Still as confused & lost as before

Dear all,

Some of you may have read and may remember my previous post last year regarding the problems I had with my in-laws to-be and how they derailed my fiancee and I's wedding plans:

I don't really know where to start, but... It's now May and I've still not emotionally, physically or mentally recovered from these events. My life, and our life as a couple, has been so busy and stressful that I've not even become upset about what happened, each week bring with it its own new set of hurdles. Her parents have not caused any trouble for 3 or 4 months now, but she doesn't speak to them very often anyway and I'm sure that in due course something new will upset them and they will cause trouble again. But I guess I should be positive and assume they won't. They don't have anything to do with me i.e. they don't call me or ask her how I am, when they speak to her, but they don't seem bothered about me attending Jehovah's Witness meetings and they're not trying to actively break us up as a couple.

My fiance never really talks about anything or shows any emotion, but last night in bed she sounded like she was crying, so I gently asked her what's wrong. She didn't want to tell me at first but then said I've changed and she feels sick. She feels I'm always irritable, not the same person she got with 3 years ago, she says my constant complaints about my day at work are getting her down, she hates the fact we don't have fun anymore and she hates Witnesses, wishing I had never rekindled my interest in religion or the bible and said she would never become one and will show no interest in my potential faith, but won't stop me attending.

We had a long talk and she said things like "perhaps we're not meant for each other any more then" and "oh go off with someone else then", but she said she knows I've never been unfaithful, she recognizes the fact I'm still with her despite the pain she put me through by not standing up to her parents, and she still loves me, although she admits she's not "in love" with me as much as at first.

I told her I was still shocked and saddened by the trouble her parents caused and her not standing up to them, I'm embarrassed and ashamed that I've let my firm suffer and become less profitable recently, I apologised for having rekindled my interest in faith and the Witnesses, and I told her that I didn't think we should break up, and we should try week by week to accrue more money, find some stability and happiness and do more things together as a couple. She agreed and said we should never discuss religion, politics, science or any other controversial subjects, ever again, then we will get along fine.

I just don't know what to do. The reason I'm negative each day after work is because each day IS difficult and depressing with not much going right, we don't have any disposable income for fun things just now, and I'm not convinced her parents have fully changed. I've ended up with a bladder problem, stress, nerves, chest pains and all kinds of stuff after last year's events, but I'm still with her, hoping for happier times.

I feel kind of helpless as my friends and family say I look like a collapsed man, although I try and put on a brave face. I don't see my friends very often, trying to see my fiancee as much as possible in our busy routine, but I still feel like I'm juggling and balancing so many things and negleting her from time to time. I feel like a different person in that I have lots of anger trapped inside me after last year, but I never become violent or aggressive. I guess I just show it by being tense and stressed. And I've started to notice other women. Not anyone particular, but just other women. Until the problems with her folks and the postponement of our wedding, I never once (really, honestly) even dreamed of looking at other women. Whenever I look at them, it's almost like I'm yearning for a happier time, not particular the women themselves. You may recall my fiance gaining weight and not looking after her health eating lots of junk food since her parents caused trouble. Well she's still the same. She says I must buy her new clothes if I want her to look nice. Everything's just oh so difficult and obviously I wish they weren't, as we were happy. It's almost like decay and different ideals set in since her folks caused the problems, but she now even denies they caused any problems, saying it was all my fault. I wish she would confide in her friends and family instead of bottling her own feelings up.

I just wanted to express myself on ENA again to give you all an update.

Anthony