Anthony2007

I don't really know where to start, but... It's now May and I've still not emotionally, physically or mentally recovered from these events. My life, and our life as a couple, has been so busy and stressful that I've not even become upset about what happened, each week bring with it its own new set of hurdles. Her parents have not caused any trouble for 3 or 4 months now, but she doesn't speak to them very often anyway and I'm sure that in due course something new will upset them and they will cause trouble again. But I guess I should be positive and assume they won't. They don't have anything to do with me i.e. they don't call me or ask her how I am, when they speak to her, but they don't seem bothered about me attending Jehovah's Witness meetings and they're not trying to actively break us up as a couple. My fiance never really talks about anything or shows any emotion, but last night in bed she sounded like she was crying, so I gently asked her what's wrong. She didn't want to tell me at first but then said I've changed and she feels sick. She feels I'm always irritable, not the same person she got with 3 years ago, she says my constant complaints about my day at work are getting her down, she hates the fact we don't have fun anymore and she hates Witnesses, wishing I had never rekindled my interest in religion or the bible and said she would never become one and will show no interest in my potential faith, but won't stop me attending. We had a long talk and she said things like "perhaps we're not meant for each other any more then" and "oh go off with someone else then", but she said she knows I've never been unfaithful, she recognizes the fact I'm still with her despite the pain she put me through by not standing up to her parents, and she still loves me, although she admits she's not "in love" with me as much as at first. I told her I was still shocked and saddened by the trouble her parents caused and her not standing up to them, I'm embarrassed and ashamed that I've let my firm suffer and become less profitable recently, I apologised for having rekindled my interest in faith and the Witnesses, and I told her that I didn't think we should break up, and we should try week by week to accrue more money, find some stability and happiness and do more things together as a couple. She agreed and said we should never discuss religion, politics, science or any other controversial subjects, ever again, then we will get along fine. I just don't know what to do. The reason I'm negative each day after work is because each day IS difficult and depressing with not much going right, we don't have any disposable income for fun things just now, and I'm not convinced her parents have fully changed. I've ended up with a bladder problem, stress, nerves, chest pains and all kinds of stuff after last year's events, but I'm still with her, hoping for happier times. I feel kind of helpless as my friends and family say I look like a collapsed man, although I try and put on a brave face. I don't see my friends very often, trying to see my fiancee as much as possible in our busy routine, but I still feel like I'm juggling and balancing so many things and negleting her from time to time. I feel like a different person in that I have lots of anger trapped inside me after last year, but I never become violent or aggressive. I guess I just show it by being tense and stressed. And I've started to notice other women. Not anyone particular, but just other women. Until the problems with her folks and the postponement of our wedding, I never once (really, honestly) even dreamed of looking at other women. Whenever I look at them, it's almost like I'm yearning for a happier time, not particular the women themselves. You may recall my fiance gaining weight and not looking after her health eating lots of junk food since her parents caused trouble. Well she's still the same. She says I must buy her new clothes if I want her to look nice. Everything's just oh so difficult and obviously I wish they weren't, as we were happy. It's almost like decay and different ideals set in since her folks caused the problems, but she now even denies they caused any problems, saying it was all my fault. I wish she would confide in her friends and family instead of bottling her own feelings up. I just wanted to express myself on ENA again to give you all an update. Anthony

My prospective future in-laws do seem to have calmed down recently though, since we agreed to postpone our original wedding to give them more time to mentally adjust to us getting married and to contribute financially. During your 2+ years of marriage with toxic in-laws (which I agree must be hell if they're still toxic) were there ever times when they calmed down and were nice to you? I guess in the back of my mind is always the question, will my future in-laws go back to their nasty ways at some moment in the future, even though they're being nice now. Thanks for your post! Anthony

Hey everyone, I just wanted to thank you all again for the recent support you gave me on here. It was the right decision to cancel our take 2 wedding to give us time to settle, and even though things mike become bitter between my fiance and I again once we start talking about weddings and other important issues again, things for the moment are more relaxed and happier between us. She still denies a lot of the things her parents (provenly) did and said, but we've not argued for a few weeks now. She's going on vacation with her parents next week, to visit her grandmother in Europe and unexpectedly I'm feeling a preemptive feeling of missing her already and she's not even gone yet. This is more like my feelings of the old days when things were better between us, before the war with her folks started. So I guess it shows I still love her deep down, even though a few weeks ago I wanted out due to her attitude and disloyalty. Take care everyone and I hope you're all good. Anthony

Since we cancelled our take 2 wedding we have been getting on much better as a couple. I reckon it's partly because my fiance is scared to lose me now there are no definite wedding plans between us. But originally she was very reluctant to get engaged/married. I'm just concerned that due to our previous communication problems and all the other problems between us, which we haven't really addressed yet, we will go back to arguing when we return to considering a wedding at some point in the future, despite getting on better now. I don't know what's happening to me, as I've ended up with minor panic attacks and a minor bladder problem, which is probably a result of the stress I'm under at work, and as a delayed reaction to the problems her parents caused last year and with our weddings. I'm feeling really happy about going back to Witness meetings but whenever I go there, I feel like I'm living a secret life as my fiance is not part of it and doesn't really want to be. But despite my regular church attendance now, she seems very comfortable with me having a different faith to her, and her parents seem cool about it too, which is weired 'cos they were so opposed to it before. And on an intimate level, our relationship is stil pretty active despite the immense stress we're both under and how tired we feel, but I feel awful as ever since she sided with her parents and cancelled our original wedding without even asking me, I've started to notice other women. Nobody in particular, just other women in general. The first year and a half of our relationship, I didn't even notice other women, so I guess I might be doing so now subliminally as a result of her "having an affair with her parents", which is how it felt. I guess it might also be adefense mechanism, me almost thinking about happier times where the proverbial grass is greener, despite things being ok between us at the moment. Hhhhmmmm, sigh.... Anthony

Thanks YokeyDokey, I agree with what you say. Quite a lot of people say to me that if her parents didn't like me at first, I should have given them time to adjust to me and become civil towards me, but at the end of the day, people don't change that much from where they started, so I agree with you about discountinuing a relationship being the best option if the parents are very difficult people or even if you yourself don't like them, unless your significant other is on your side and doesn't see their parents very often. But of course in my situation my fiance, who used to really dislike her parents, suddenly sided with them and now does nearly everything they say, not really standing up for anything we believe in. Anthony PS - to everyone else, thanks so much once again for your support. Now that we've cancelled our take 2 wedding, I still don't feel like myself, like my head's in a spin, which I guess is natural? I used to get emotional years ago, but it's not sunk in or hit me yet. I've resigned myself to the accepting the cancellation as the best move, as we do argue quite a bit, our lives are very stressful anyway and we need to sort out a whole load of things before being sure we're suited to get married. It's hard lately as even though we row a lot, my fiance still seems to think we have a great relationship. I wonder if it's because her parents, despite staying together all their married lives, have never got on together and always argue, so maybe my fiance thinks that's normal. She's made it clear on the religious/spiritual front that she's not interested in finding a faith or exploring spirituality. She's got a carpe diem (sieze the day) philosophy to life, which is fine as everyone needs to have some fun, but I just feel that our combined mentality as a couple will drift more and more, the further I continue attending church and studying spirituality. I feel really tired, heavy-headed, miserable and all that stuff lately. I hope it's natural for somebody who's been through what I have, to be a bit depressed after all this? Anthony

Hey everyone, Just checking in to give you an update, especially Caro, Redboots and Herenow. My fiance and I have been getting along a bit better since I last posted on here, but I think it's because we're both so exhausted as a result of our busy routine and life, and we're both resigned to the fact that postponing is the best option, primarily financially and then also emotionally, spiritually and logically/practically. Because her parents created so many problems (which you all know about very well by now!) by us not getting engaged "their way" and planning our wedding to suit them, I have asked my fiance to speak to them first, about our decision to postpone. If we just went ahead and postponed, they would probably erupt as we had not "properly consulted them first." We will then take the following months to take stock of our life and relationship, find a more comfortable routine, perhaps my fiance getting a new job without a long drive to work, me sorting my career out too, spending some money on improving our house, having some fun and relaxing together, to try and fall in love again, and to explore things spiritually - all of these things without the pressure of a wedding this summer, which we can't really afford financially and which we're too tired to devote time to. I just wish I didn't feel so guilty though. I've one nothing wrong. A man can't really "propose too early" and her parents did far more to cause trouble than I did. I've not cheated on her despite her disloyalty and also her recent disgregard of her appearance. Yet I feel torn, like I want to find a new situation, but at the same time I can't imagine life without her. I guess this is natural for all couples whose relationship is in the balance and could go either way? So I guess it's a case of seeing where things go from here. I will keep you all updated! Anthony

IN REPLY TO REDBOOTS You touched upon the same thing as herenow, that maybe my fiance just wants to get married more than marry ME. I really am grateful for you bringing that up. As I xaid to herehow, though, my fiance never seemed keen on marriage in the first place and has only recently adjusted to the idea with any passion. Considering she said no at first, then yes only if her parents were happy with it, then our wedding was cancelled because her parents said so, and her sibling cohabited for 10 years before getting married, I'm wondering why she is now so keen on marrying me. It's almost like her enthusiasm is directly linked to her parents'. If they like me one month, she wants to marry me, but if they start slagging me off, she wants to hold back a bit. Thanks so much for the advice not to feel ambivalent and that I'm not suffering cold feet but am justified in the concerns I have. You're right - she hasn't learnt to stand up to her parents at all. The rest of her family are all scared of her mom. I wish I knew why. Exactly - I'm concerned what will happen if and when her parents suddenly change their attitude again. They hate me, then suddenly like me, then what? It worries me. And also how they are fine with things they previously hated about me/us. I'm steering towards postponement now, as you also support what others have said, that the only way to see if my fiance is sincere and her family are genuine is to wait. Perhaps whilst we are waiting, they will change their mood again. If my fiance loves me, she will understand my concerns and she should have concerns myself. The hard fact is, she doesn't have any concerns. Only about the money aspect. And about the Spanish thing, it was good to hear your thoughts. Sometimes I feel totally out of the loop, in the dark. Sure, I understand some Spanish, but her dad is English. The whole family seem to think they have the God-given right to speak Spanish at all times, to English-speakers. Answering your questions, I do know some people who are happily married but I don't know them well enough to talk to. I admire their unison, apparent happiness and the lives they've got. But behind closed doors, their relationships may be disasters too. This is what my fiance keeps saying when I look at others' marriages. You're right, I do feel terrible as a person, for having doubts, but thanks for reassuring me I'm right to have these concerns, and they're out of love and wanting to do the right thing. I'm not getting totally what I deserve, no. I deserve better in important ways. But in domestic and general routinal ways, I get a lot. But as my mom says "If the only good thing about your fiance is that she cooks you nice meals, then employ a cook" Thanks again for your thoughts too! Just a quick final question to everyone, in this post. If we did break up, should I be overly worried about her trying to sabotage my friends, career and so on, or is that a worry all people go through but not much I could do about it?

Wow, herenow and redboots have really hit the proverbial nail on the head. IN REPLY TO HERENOW: It's interesting to know that you and your now-husband went through a bleak time, both of you comin from dysfunctional families which meant you didn't know how to show love in all ways. Just for the record, my family are absolutely wonderful, loving and expressive. You're very right about my fiance finding it hard to know how to show love through more ways than just physical affection, as a result of how her family is. My fiance and I have thought about counselling but our finances are quite restrictive at the moment and we did try it in the past, resulting in me talking non-stop to the counsellor and my fiance hardly saying anything. I wish she would be happy to go to a pre-marrieds class at church. I'm glad it helped you and your husband. My fiance has very little understanding of the relationship between the man and the woman in the relationship, and how we as a couple relate to our respective parents, families and friends. I guess any suggestion by me of going to a premarrieds class ourselves would be rejected as she has her own strong views and I have views increasingly oriented towards Jehovah's Witnesses' teachings, which do seem very closely based on the bible. I felt very much strenghtened when I read about how the class helped you break off your engagement, get therapy and then feel confident enough to announce yout engagement again. Can I ask why you went back to fighting and being miserable after than, resulting in you breaking off the engagement a 2nd time, and did you lose any friends or wedding suppliers as a result of cancelling it twice? I understand it will be embarrassing for us too but you're right about it being better to suffer laughter now than to marry the wrong person and not be able to get out of it easily in the future. I wouldn't want to marry and hope it works out afterwards, very true. I do realise I need to make some changes too but a lot of the communication problems come from her and her family. It's so difficult to know what to do, as she seems reluctant to change. She also still denies the things she has clearly told many people, such as what her parents have said about me, and so on. And she doesn't want to face up to her mom or me nagging her about her recent weight-gain and other health negatives, diet, etc. I was really interested and warmed to read what you said about the difference between her marrying just to be married, and marrying ME because of ME. Well the strange thing is, she turned me down the first time I proposed (saying her parents wouldn't approve, and she wanted to wait until they were ready to accept me) and she's never really been overly keen on marriage until the last month or so. In some ways, I'm more the kind of person who would marry to be married, but I don't want to marry the wrong person. But even though I disagree that my fiance wants marriage in general more than to marry ME, I would totally agree that she doesn't really, REALLY care about me to the point where she puts me first before her family, and I agree that she doesn't want to lose me or our situation/reasonably comfortable life, house, etc. She needs to cut the apron strings, I totally agree. I wish she would! I'm pleased for you that your spiritual beliefs pulled you together helping you change and appreciate what makes a relationship work. I think it's important that a couple share a spiritual belief, even if not the same denomination as such. I'm a little worried though, as my fiance doesn't believe in creation, believes in abortion, doesn't totaly believe in God despite being raised a Roman Catholic and has other views which are the opposite of mine. I feel real guilty about my recent desire to get to know Witnesses' teachings again, but I know I shouldn't feel guilty? She knew some of my family are Witnesses and at the time we started dating, it was true that I'd not been to their meetings for years and had no desire to. But things change. Meeting such nasty people as her parents is one of the reasons I started taking an interest in spiritual things again. Praying is important and it's great that you do it each day. I don't want her to blame my faith and spirituality for our break-up (if that happens), when it's really her communication problems and family to blame. Where you say near the end of your post "find a partner who will be a good partner in that", would you thereforeeee agree that as well as financially, it would be a good idea for us to postpone our take 2 wedding later this year, in order to see how my fiance finds faith, religion and spirituality? I've seen couples who are different denominations, and they often argue and don't share the same values. But this makes me feel guilty, as I wasn't spiritual or religious when we started dating, so it make me feel like I'm dumping her because I've changed, which is unfair to her. I just wonder how the 'living together before marriage' thing will fit in with me trying to be a Christian following slightly more strict values and teachings. Also, my fiance doesn't agree that the husband is, to a degree, head of the house. It's not a chauvinistic view, I don't feel - I think it's a good principle. But she doesn't seen it that way. Thanks again for your post, herenow.

Hey everyone, Firstly, Caro, thanks so much for all the thoughts you've given me and sorry I thought you were slightly moving to her parents' side. Thanks for getting in touch, Redboots. I'm glad you're happy with your new fiance after the band experience you had with your first. Your situation sounds similar to what Caro went through, and what I've been through last year. The main dilemma I'm struggling with at the moment is that since they forced us to postpone our first wedding, her parents have been really nice to both of us and to my parents. When they speak to my fiance, they ask her how I am, and show more of an interest in our life/lives. My fiance TELLS me that they have even readily accepted my interest in a faith which her mom told me last October that she hated. It seems like now, since we agreed to postpone, her parents are happy for us to decide what we want in all areas of our lives/life. This creates a few dilemmas/questions in my head. Firstly, maybe they have changed and maybe, despite having said and written lots of awful things about my family and I, their issue was just with the timing (i.e. them contributing) of our first wedding. Secondly, if I'm trying to be a Christian (although not obsessive or "over the top") then maybe I should forgive them, even though they still actively refuse to verbally apologise for what they've done and said last year. Maybe their changed attitude towards us is their way of showing they're sorry? Whenever I think this, I feel kind of happy-sad, like I want to forgive them, but something in side of me won't let me do that (probably because they refused, to my face, to apologise, and refused to thank my parents and apologise for the inconvenience (they, her parents) put mine through. Basically, maybe I've got so many feelings bottled up because they wouldn't and still won't talk about what's happened. Maybe if these feelings came out, I would feel refreshed and better about the whole thing. But maybe I'm just being a baby and should forget and forgive. Perhaps the fact I've not done so says that I'm not ready for marriage either. Although in my heart and head, I know I am ready - more than ready. I suppose one of the main things that scares me is that she denies things she's told me about her family. Sure, she may have said them in the "heat of the moment" when things were really bad, but she actually denies saying them or writing them, even though I have emails/text messages proving it. But again, maybe I shouldn't be so hung up on what went on last year and should be happy about the fact her parents AMAZINGLY seem to be happy and supportive now. But that begs the question that maybe they're being overly nice, hoping we postpone due to financial reasons, and then they can start turning her against me as we're not legally bound? Is divorce really that hard to procedurally process, if we don't have kids? I guess I'm struggling as I still love her quite a lot and am still in love with her to a degree, although not fully. Maybe the fact there's ANY SLIGHT doubt should make us postpone, but then I feel that would be a fault on my part, me having doubt and her having none? But then is it strange she has no doubts about marrying me, even though we argued a lot in January? Maybe she's made a deal with her parents, which has happened before. They still talk in Spanish, not English, which partly shuts my parents and I out of their conversations. But I think they're just unintentionally rude perhaps. Northalius - I totally agree with what you say about communication. Perhaps I'm TOO communicative and expressive though? Is it important for both in a couple to have the same level of communication and expression? I know many happy couples where one is more expressive and one is more insular, but they get along fine. The "strong, silent type - like Gary Cooper"? Maybe she's the Gary Cooper, although she's only silent, not particularly strong. But I do still love her. Perhaps I feel like going ahead with our take 2 wedding this year because I'm misinterpreting sadness over out probably imminent breakup with the feeling that I still love her?! Is there something I can do to test to see if her parents are now genuine or not, or does that even matter now? I keep picturing myself, if we break up, seeing her in the street in the future, and it makes me kinda wanna cry if I think about it for too long. Grrh it's so difficult. I guess this is one last email of thoughts from me, so please excuse me and thanks so much to you all for your time so far. Anthony

I totally agree that I don't need to wait for ALL my love to have gone before I think it's time to call this relationship a day. It's hard to know what to feel (or what I'm feeling) emotionally at the moment as my personal, emotional, spiritual, financial and romantic lives have all been thrown up in the air since the original postponement. Her parents are now saying that everything to do with our "take 2" wedding is our decision, such as who, what, where, when, and so on. They say the decision to postpone for financial or emotional reasons is ours too and they will not interfere. They also say they're perfectly happy for me to follow whatever faith I choose. This is great at face value, but if you think about my original posts on here, all that they are saying now is 100% the opposite of what they said about me through the first years of our relationship. It's kinda scaring me how her parents have made a complete u-turn. Do you people out there think I should accept their scarily perfect u-turn as their way of apologising (as they're refused to do so verbally) or should I be a bit worried that they're Jeckel and Hyde kind of people who change their minds drastically, quite often? The thought has crossed my mind that maybe they're happy we might postpone, as it will leave the door open for them to start turning their daughter against me again? So maybe us choosing to postpone this time is the best decision all round. Funny thing is, last night she was accepting of the fact we will probably postpone - and when I woke up this morning I felt sad in a "missing her" kind of way. One potential problem in postponing is that if I do pursue the faith path I'm currently going down, it will mean living together unmarried is something I should be avoiding. Grrh, it's all so difficult. And it's odd how whenever I read Caro's later posts, it seems you're gunning for her parents slightly more than at first, and I feel the bad guy like it's my fault that I don't quite feel the same about her any more. But if someone's SO does something to hurt them, it's not the victim's fault surely, so I hate beating myself up this way. I'm glad to have enotalone to be able to express myself on. I can talk to my parents too, very closely indeed, but it's nice to have others to discuss feelings with. Anthony

Hi Kelbell, Thanks so much for your reply and your support. The actual wedding itself is the least of our worries right now, I agree with what you say. The ironic thing is, when her parents forced us to postpone, some of her friends lost money on pre-booked accommodation and flights, but she seems to forget that, implying to me that MY postponement will inconveience so many people, when "her" postponement did but she's forgotten about all that. She has tried to put the shoe on the other foot but she just says it's in the past and I should stop getting obsessed about it all. The thing is, her parents literaly refused to apologise and due to their other weird actions in the past, I can't consider their recent pleasant actions as being a physical apology, as opposed to a verbal one, if you get what I mean. You're right - she avoids confrontation. But I guess I do too in some ways, which is partly why I blame myself for some of this. By the way, she says most of what happened over the last year is my fault, for proposing too early, for giving her the impression I wanted marriage or nothing, for not ignoring her parents' awful comments and actions, and so on. A lot of couples experience stress leading up to their wedding don't they? So I think the financial stress is more acceptable, but the emotional stress is abnormal. Ever since I was a kid I dreampt of getting married and never thought it would be like this leading up to it! I agree that the actual one wedding day itself is not worth all this stress and misery over. I think we should just elope somewhere nice and get married, cheaply. After all, we live together and have a house and other priorities now. But she wants a big white wedding to please her mom. My parents say we can do whatever we want, and have whatever kind of wedding we want, as long as we're happy. My parents are so brilliant. I guess the reasons why I'm still undecided on leaving her right now are: 1) Deep down, I do still love her, although a little less than before, and I'm not IN love with her half as much. But it's not like all my love has gone. 2) Maybe she has a point and I shouldn't be such a baby, being offended by the hurtful comments her parents said about me and what they did. 3) Maybe I did unintentionally give her the impression I wanted marriage or nothing. But we had been together more than a year by the time I proposed, so her rejection the 1st time round hurt me. I didn't give her any ultimatums though. I just obviously told her I was expecting a yes and couldn't totally udnerstand her reasons for saying no. 4) I feel guilty for returning to attending religious meetings. When we first started dating, I told her my parents were religious but that I had been raised in the faith but then decided not to attend any more. At that time, I had no intention of going back, but I guess things change. I still feel quilty though. Would it make any difference if I told you that my parents are Jehovah's Witnesses? However thay have never, ever, pressured me into going back to their meetings. They say the decision is entirely mine, and they have supported me whilst living with my fiance. They are excellent parents. 5) We have a house together and we would need to spend quite a lot of money on the garden before we could sell it. 6) I'm kinda emotional deep down and don't think I could cope with seeing all the places we used to go to, and thinking of her and what was. Even though she hurt me, the memories of the good times we had will hurt me a lot. 7) She's said to me (which I've mentioned on enotalone before) that she would unlikely find anyone else if we split up. I kind of feel quilty and sad about that, even though she's hurt me. 8) I know that if we split up, she would either blame me, my parents, Witnesses or my job/work, and take no responsibility herself. I feel like crying when I think of how she might turn nasty about all these things. I can't stop feeling like the bad guy for half of the time. Yet I've not held back on telling you guys anything on Enotalone. Maybe it's just my personality. For example, if one of my clients doesn't pay, I sometimes feel sorry for them, even if they're horrible people and obviously lying. My dad's a bit like that too - someone wrongs him yet HE feels bad about it, almost like we take on both sides' emotions. Last year she sent me many text messages and emails saying how she couldn't stand her parents and hated how they were treating us/me and how she would stand up to them. Since we postponed our first wedding (her decision, to please them) she has turned sharply the other way, even denying that she said any of these things to me, even though I have the text messages and emails to prove it! It's almost like last year didn't happen and I dreampt (nightmared?) it, and it's kind of playing with my brain like I'm going a bit senile. Any of your seen The Pledge with Jack Nicholson? I kind of feel like him, at the end, where he's rocking backwards and forwards in a mental stupour, as he didn't intentionally do what the lady said he did, but he couldn't prove otherwise. I hope you get what I'm saying. I guess it makes me feel very confused. Justifiably? 9) I sometimes think that if this literal physical heavy feeling in my head (depression?) would disappear, then I would love her and be in love with her again. Is this feeling deep resentment or something? 10) Maybe I'm wrong in expecting her to put me/us first. I love my parents a lot and wouldn't want to hurt them, so maybe I should be able to see that she's sided with them all the time as she doesn't want to hurt them. 11) I feel real bad about occasionally looking at other women, but then I never (honestly, I didn't) looked at anyone else until she and her family started creating so many problems. 12) She relocated (ok, only 150 miles) to live with me. At the time, she said she hated her parents and couldn't want to build a life with me. But obviously if we split, she'll be stuck here on her own. Though I guess she can move back to where her family live. 13) I feel quilty about not being quite as attracted to her since she put on quite a lot of weight. But I'm under immense stress both at home and at work, yet I've kept slim, go to the gym and am in good shape. Whenever I mention that she needs to lose weight to look good on our wedding day, she kinda just laughs at me. 14) Maybe I should forgive and forget instantly. But I find it so hard to, especially knowing they don't think they've done any wrong and they think they've no need to be sorry. 15) Perhaps I should have understood and respected that her family do things differently to most other people. Maybe I should have been more understanding. 16) I hate regrets and really could do without any right now. Sure, I will probably regret marrying her this year, but maybe next year things will improve and be good? So maybe I should stick it out, but we postpone the wedding. Or, how about this - maybe I give her a chance and suggest we elope and marry overseas on vacation, keeping it cheap (not spending lots of money on food and drinks for guests) and see if she will really stand up to her parents on this one? As I still kinda feel the current take 2 wedding is going their way... I guess some of this can be repaired but not with the wedding day "take 2" fast approaching on the horizon. I kinda believe that if my job improves back to where it was (which was very good), she gets a new job (as she hates her current job), we go on vacation, spend time together and fall in love again (maybe - if we can), then we might both want to get married again. But maybe the damage she and her family have done should be enough for me not to want to repair our relationship, even though I'm not the one who broke it? I don't think her parents will understand my emotions and reasons if we did postpone again, as she never talks to them, after promising me she will. And when her mom found out I was going back to Witness meetings, my fiance suddenly started going back to Catholic Mass, almost like to spite me. Then again, it could be genuine, but is it good if an engaged couple start pursuing 2 different faiths? The reduced sex life is partly her fault, partly mine. We're both so stressed and tired these days. But I guess my resentment towards her, which I think is justified, is causing me to be attracted to her less, plus her weight gain, plus she never wears mayeup any more but she used to, plus she dresses lazy and never used to. But my main worry is emotionally. Anthony

Hi all - Thought I would give you an update.... 1) We still have a date planned for our wedding "take 2" but have not ordered or paid for anything other than the ceremony. 2) My fiance and I still argue quite a lot, due to the mutual resentment between us as a result of what her parents did to us last year. She thinks I should take the chip off my shoulder (get rid of the grudge) and we can all be one big happy family (even though they still refuse to say sorry or change their ways). 3) Our finances aren't any better. We have sat down together a number of times recently to look at the numbers and we can afford the wedding if we use half of her savings, but otherwise it wil be very difficult right now. There's still a lot of uncertainty with my job, which was as much a shock to me as it was to everyone else, as last year my job and income were great. It's certainly not something I had planned and hoped would happen! 4) I've been feeling more and more what you might say "depressed" recently, to the point where my head feels like a train's hit it. I feel bruised, aching, tired and my confidence in social settings has nearly gone. My fiance is gaining weight each week and her health is also getting a bit worse like she is always very tired and she says she is depressed too. 5) She has been to visit her folks for the last 3 weekends in a row. Each time, she promises me she will talk to them properly about our finances, about our arguments and about my attending religious meetings since December. Each time, she returns home to me and says she didn't talk to her parents 'cos she didn't want to upset her mother. 6) My dad very nicely and politely phoned her dad last week to discuss our finances and our "other problems", as my parents are worried about me/us. Her dad hid his conversation with my dad from her mom, just like he's deleted emails in the past that I have sent to her mom, or trashed letters I've sent to her mom in the past (when she refused to talk to me on the phone). 7) Her folks are generally being much nicer these days, as long as everything is on their terms. Talk about what they want, do what they approve of, and everything is fine. Take an opinion, express a feeling or do something they're not keen on, and the tension breaks loose again. 8) I'm still attending religious meetings. My fiance has decided to attend church, but a totally different church. She seems to enjoy the fact she's chosen the opposite to me, and fails to realise how our 2 different directions might affect us in the future. 9) But despite all the above, and our fading sex life, she seems very keen to get married later this year still, despite all our problems which just don't get any better. I just still don't know what to do. Part of me says the logical thing is to break up, even if it's painful. But another part of me knows I still love her, although I'm not in love with her as much these days (can you blame me, after siding with her parents time and time again, and so on?). It's all just one big disaster but time is ticking. I think the best compromise would be to postpone the wedding, but she seems against that. Anthony

Hi Caro, Thanks so much as always for your thoughts and comments. In answer to your question as to why I think her parents should know about our fraying relationship, about my recent re-attending church and about our current financial difficulties, I think they should know because: - Her mom specifically used my folks' religion and any non-Catholic religions in general as a key argument against why we shouldn't be together. It was one of the main amunitions she used to try and convince my fiance I'm a bad person and my parents are bad because they're not Roman Catholic. - Her mom also used my job as another way to attack me in the beginning (as it's a job where the salary is variable, depending on a number of factors). - Her mom has always said that if a guy causes her daughter any problems, he's no good for her. So basically, her parents are ignorant and don't think they've caused any stress to our relationship at all, so if they hear our relationship is under stress, they will put all the blame on me. I just want everything to be "out in the open" as I don't want them to say that we've hidden anything from them or lied to them. If her mom finds out I've been back to church and even that her daughter has been once, she would go mental, and I feel it's better she goes mental now that once we're married, when she will cause more problems. Also, if my fiance had an accident and broke her leg, for example, she would get a lower salary, which would mean that our finances are in an even worse position that currently, which would mean we have to ask her folks for more money for the wedding. Hopefully you can understand my reasonings, to a degree. Just like someone enters into a relationship hoonestly (for example, by making it known that they have a child frm a previous relationship, or they have an illness), I think it's right her parents know now, to save any trouble happening AFTER or during the wedding. We've still got time to talk it all through, as our wedding is planned for the fall in 2007. Your point about her self esteem is very good. She hasn't got any self esteem at all, now. She blames most things on me, but she blames her lack of self esteem on her parents. She's a totally different person these days and I'm also a bit different as I'm under a lot of stress and have lost some self esteem too, so maybe we should wait until we're back to our usual personalities before definitely going ahead with the wedding, I don't know. Anthony

Thanks for keeping in touch, Caro. How are you? Over the last few weeks I've felt all kinds of emotions. I'm fighting a lot of fires (proverbially) at work at the moment and I'm worried about the wedding (which is this fall) financially. My fiancee says that she and her folks will pay for most of it. But then it gives her mom even more control. My folks, although they're not sulking babies, are understandably (I hope) a bit disillusioned with my fiancee's folks, as they have offered no apology or explanation to my folks about why they forced us to postpone the wedding. It's as if all the inconvenience was on their site. Last week my fiancee and I went to the church I was interested in attending. She didn't agree to come at first, but I said that as we're getting married, I wanted her to know what kind of place I might be going to more often, so that she doesn't worry or have any unfounded worries. The thing is, she refuses to tell her mom that we went to church last week, or even that I'm showing an interest in religion and having a faith. She said she doesn't want to tell her mom, ever, as it might upset her (the mom). I asked her to discretely tell her folks about the problems I'm having at work, and the fact that, as one of the partners in a busy firm, I've had to drop my salary lately. But again she won't tell her parents as it would give them amunition to start disliking me again, seeing as they like me now that we postponed the wedding and I've kept relatively quiet about the whole thing. So it's all a mess still. But whenever I think about leaving her, I kind of feel emancipated on the one hand, but on the other hand I feel tearful, like I would hate myself if I hurt her (despite all the pain she's caused me, siding with her folks, etc). She always says to me that if we split up, she wouldn't find somebody else as nobody's interested in her, and so on, and so on, and I feel a lot of sadness when I think of stuff like that. Maybe I should just tell her to tell her folks about my financial difficulties and about my newfound interest in a faith, or else *I* will say we have to postpone our wedding this time? Anthony

An update;- Yesterday my folks, my fiancee and I were formally invited to my fiancee's folks' house for a meal. It was the first time they had been invited to their house (this is the way my fiancee's folks do things). As you will know if you've read my posts, my fiancee and I have been together years, but her folks didn't want to know my folks for various reasons (which you'll have read about) and because they always thought it was "too soon" to meet my folks. Any way, the day at my fiancee's folks' house yesterday went ok. Her folks were hospitable and gave us all plenty to eat. However my folks and I noticed that conversation was kept strictly to what my fiancee's folks wanted to talk about. We were all there at their house for about 8 hours and during the last hour by dad brought up the topic of our postponed wedding. He just mentioned it in a soft, gentle way. We immediately noticed the change in her mom's expression and attitude. Her folks eventually talked about our plans for our wedding "take 2", but they never once asked my folks for their opinion. It was as if my folks didn't exist, even though we were all sitting at the same table. Whenever my dad said something, my fiancee stared at him like she was thinking "shut up!". Her folks showed my folks no apologies or appreciation about them (my folks) being "ok" about postponing our wedding due to her folks' demands. And remember this was the 1st time in history when both sets of parents had met together, since the postponement of our 1st wedding, which was forced upon us by my fiancee's folks. So it kinda left me feeling bitter still. I really wanted yesterday to be the opportunity for us all to talk about our feelings and to make peace, but her parents just block out any guilt of feelings. Sure, things were civil and nobody got into a fight, but deep down, below the surface, my folks wanted some kind of apology or at least an appreciation from her folks, regarding the postponement which my folks just had to accept, just like that, no questions. We kinda can't afford our "take 2" wedding any more, so I don't know where it leaves us. But things between my fiancee and I have been kinda ok for the last week or 2, except when I mention the religious thoughts I've been having, or her parents. If I mention those subjects, she goes in a mood still. Anthony

Hey Caro, I can kind of understand why my fiancee was upset by my idea of postponing until we find happiness as a couple again, because for the last 6 weeks I have kept quiet and not created any friction between her and her parents, so I guess they all assumed I was happy. But at least her parents should have realised I'm not happy still, as I was quite cold with them at Christmas and didn't say much about the wedding when they mentioned it. My fiancee herself knew all along that I wasn't happy as I kept telling her. I guess our feelings are so dynamic at the moment, as our situation is so unusual! In answer to your questions, I was super sensitive when I broached the idea of us postponing of our own acccord. I'm always sensitive when I speak to her, whether it be about a minor thing or a major thing like this. Scout was wrong in that regard, as I'm not a critical person in general. I'm kinda justified though, criticising her and her parents' handling of the situation, her letting herself go when our wedding day is fast approaching and her not addressing my unhappiness but ignoring it. I'm glad you take my side with the religion thing, as I wasn't sure that many people would see my perspective. My fiancee says I'm a liar as I told her when we first started dating that I wasn't religious. Well it's hardly a lie, as I wasn't, but over the years my feelings have changed. Her parents would hit the roof if they find out I've started attending the occasional church to try and find some kind of faith. But I think they should know now, before we get married. I'm worried that it will create major friction in the future between us as a couple, if we follow separate faith paths and develop greater differences, whilst she still thinks divorce is never an option, because of her own upbringing. But it's hardly my fault or a sin for me to have developed an interest in finding a faith, is it? On the subject of whether there's someone more suitable out there, I guess you could say that about almost all relationships. Nobody's perfect, which is why I disagreed with the person who said it sounds like I'm looking for perfection. I'm not a shallow person at all. But if you find that you no longer have life aims, goals, mutual affection for each others' personalities and you're less attracted to someone, then it's hardly an ideal situation. There is someone better out there for me and for her and for you too, Caro, but I guess that's what life's about - making a choice and choosing someone to be your life partner? Before all this trouble started with her parents, I had no doubt I wanted to spend my life with HER even though there might be somebody better out there in the world for me. I believe there's no point losing something that could be good for you, in the hope of finding someone or something better, as I may end up finding someone with different problems which are equally damaging to our relationship and to me as a person. But it's the type of problems we're experiencing which are my main concern. My fiancee doesn't at all agree that trust has been somewhat damaged, and so has loyalty. She totally doesn't see it. If she has become really sick, I would stand by her forever. If we were broke, I would do the same. But it's the kind of problems involving trust, respect, communication and loyalty that have developed since her parents'trouble-causing. The hard thing is, when we don't talk about her parents, we're fine and our relationship is pretty good. So maybe I should just continue on and hope that we only see her parents twice a year or something? Other couples have problems with their in-laws huh. Maybe if I left her now, I would regret it and look back on this time in my life thinking 'Darn, I did the wrong thing, as my fiancee was trying to do something amazingly diplomatic, by pleasing her parents but still staying with me and marrying me, and by pleasing her parents at the same time, it means that as a couple we can enjoy their friendship in our future too, whereas if things had stayed bitter between her parents and us, it would have made our future difficult and miserable"?? What do you all reckon about the accusation I proposed too soon? I mean, we had known each other 5 years, dated for long enough and had a house together, so... Also, her mother's first language is not English. My fiancee used to exaggerate her parents' hurtful comments about me/us, but now she uses her mom's language situation to excuse her mom's actions/words. But her mom is a very educated woman and speaks almost perfect English. I'm pretty sure she knew what she was saying... Finally, I just wanted to respond to your last thought about the 'gall' Kim's parents had in telling her about the hurtful things her parents had said about her. I strongly believe Kim and I have a right to know, via our fiancees, what their parents think of us, as knowledge can help improve a situation. It's no good to see that someone (our in-law's) hates you, but you don't know why, so I think it's not a bad thing how our fiancee's told us how their parents thought about us. Anthony

Thanks for your further thoughts Caro. The way her parents handled the situation was appauling but the difficulty is that I admit we could have handled it better ourselves as a couple, although no way as badly as they did. I apologised to them for any things we could have done better, yet they refused to apologise for any of their more obviously negative actions. But the funny thing is, I don't think they are suddenly being happy in order to buy time. I think that because they have got their own way and are in control of things, they are happy for us to be together. They are taking an active part in planning the 2nd wedding. So in some ways I should be happy, and hey, we're taught to forgive. But it's their unrepentent attitude that really concerns me. That is to say, even though they're not taking an involvement in the wedding, they still refuse to see what damage they initially did. All they had to say was congratulations but can't you wait? But then I see your point, Caro, that maybe they were having a bad day. Every day in their relationship seems bad. I did talk to her about postponing, last night. She just exited the room saying our wedding was a joke and how dare I suggest we postpone it. I politely pointed out that her parents and her postponed it, and wouldn't it be wise for us to do so also, seeing as we're hardly happy at he moment. She said she disagrees and that most of the friction has been caused by me, as I proposed to her too early (she has an unspoken rule that a guy must wait a certain length of time before proposing), and she didn't really want to marry so soon. She also told me that if I started looking into religion, it would really put her off, and we would have a miserable marriage after that. But it's fair enough for someone to encounter and desire new things, isn't it? Just because I wasn't interested in religion and faith at the start of our relationship years ago shouldn't matter right? Anyway I will keep you all updated. Anthony

Hey Scout. I understand and respect your thoughts about the makeup thing, but maybe I shouldn't have mentioned it as I'm not a critical perfectionist. Her lack of are and attention regarding her appearance and health since the problems with her parents started is just a minor effect of the situation, but if you add this to her choosing to compromise our relationship to please her parents (which most people seem to think was wrong), her lack of ability to communicate to me despite me being loving, warm and open to her and all the other things I've talked about, it just goes to show that our relationship and each of us personally are getting worse and suffering as a result of all these problems. That's all I was saying. A lot of people I meet often comment on how mature I am. When I mentioned other women, I was trying to articulate the fact that my fiancee's handling of the situation hasn't exactly filled me with confidence and I keep feeling deep inside me that I could find someone more loyal to me and more able to communicate with me. It's not a temptation thing really. It's more of a "This isn't right. Maybe we're not compatible after all and maybe there is someone out there who would love me better", although there is nobody specific on the scene. But I do know what you're saying and see your point

Hey Caro, Happy New Year and thanks for your message. After reading your comments, I would probably respond by admitting that my fiancee doesn't seem all that great at relationships in the family or romantic relationships. She acts and speaks like she is a confident, focused person but then when any pressure comes along like her parents blackmailing her into postponing our wedding, she gives in. She also fails to see the importance of open communication and having common goals and hopes in a relationship. I just don't know what to think or feel right now. Like any human being, I feel really angry towards her parents and don't feel confident in them improving and changing for good. But at the same time, part of me is pleased that they've changed, although I'm suspicious of how they can change their views so quickly. Do you think her parents blunt rejection of and outward unhappiness towards our initial announcement of our engagement could be justified by us not waiting until they were "ready and had accepted us as a couple", by us not fully consulting them about which date they would like us to marry on and the other reasons they came up with? I guess this is the biggest factor behind my suspicion and mistrust - the fact they could have said "Congratulations. We're happy for you. But couldn't you get married next year when we will be able to afford to put some money towards it?". But no, they reacted like babies. My fiancee does keep reassuring me over and over that she won't let me down again, and all decisions in the future will be OUR decisions not her parents', but I'm not so sure, as she promised me we would have the wedding our way, then she sides with her family to keep them on side. Because I just don't know what to think or feel right now and because I don't want to burn any bridges or shoot myself in the foot and end up with regrets, I'm kinda tempted to suggest to her that we postpone it indefinitely for now, until we find ourselves again as a happy couple again. The sad truth is, we could have afforded the original kind of wedding we had planned and organised, but since her parents' intervention, we can't really afford this "take 2" wedding. But if we postpone, I know we'll stir up all kinds of comments by her parents. Which I guess will show their true colours once again. I'm just a bit concerned about causing all this trouble to the wedding "suppliers" as we have already postponed once before! But I know life's way more important than upsetting venues, caterers and people like that. I read your own posts with interest, about your own very similar situation. I'm really glad that you're happy now and have found someone who loves you and will stand up for you. Anthony

Thanks for your advice. You can now all see why I'm confused and don't know what I feel any more, as my head is quite messed up after what has happened. Maybe the best thing would be to postpone the wedding a 2nd time, but through our choice not her parents, so give us more time to work things out. But I hate inconveniencing and creating bad relations with the venue, the person who will be marrying us, our guests and friends and so on. Anthony

I've just been reading Veneratio's post here: This is another issue affecting our relationship. As I've mentioned, my girlfriend/fiancee was brought up Roman Catholic but stopped going to church when she was 16. I was brought up in a different religion and also stopped going to church at the same age. My parents accepted that I didn't want to follow any religion from that age. However my fiancee's parents, who derailed our wedding initially, still TELL my fiancee that she IS a Catholic, even though she tells them to their faces that she is not. Anyway, recently I've been considering going to various churches and I've found one that I like. However my fiancee is sceptical and negative about god and all kinds of other beliefs. She says my newfound interest in religion doesn't bother her, but surely it's just yet another potential problem that could affect us later in life? Problem is, I couldn't suggest we don't get married until we're religiously aligned, as I don't even know myself what I want to do. Literally every area of my life and hers seems up in the air at the moment, but her parents and her are still real keen to plan our wedding "take 2". Anthony

Thanks for your replies, everybody. I really appreciate your time and your advice. In answer to the very pertinent questions you raised regarding if I love her and if she loves me enough to overcome these problems, I would answer that I still love her but my "in love" feelings have become mangled and I'm holding back on them. I would say that she loves me and is in love with me, but perhaps she has spoiled her true love for me by listening to her parents? I personally believe that if she truly loved me, she would at least understand that I'm still hurt, but she can't comprehend it to maybe she doesn't understand me fully. I agree that the things we have in common are superficial, but I keep thinking that she's the only person I've found with whom I have SO MUCH in common, so I would be stupid to let her go, even though I'm hurt. Can you kinda see where I'm coming from? When we're spending time with friends and family, we say and do the same things automatically, like we're the same person. We're so, SO alike. But does that happen to other couples, even if their actual love and foundation are a little rocky like ours? I guess what's really confusing me is that her parents have very quickly changed their feelings and their attitude, and maybe they are genuinely more interested in us now. I just really don't want to look back on my life and wish that I had stayed with her because her parents actually were being newly genuine, after their initial hatred. But have you ever had feelings that are hard to change? I mean, even if they are slowly changing, what they have done makes it very hard for me to like them again. When I was asking you all if you knew any other couples who had had similar problems before getting married, I kinda thought that others had problems with ex's who reappear on the scene causing problems, or others had parents who disapproved so strongly about their son or daughter's choice of marriage partner, but it seems that my situation's kinda unusual. I wish I could either muster the strength to tell her it's me or them, or the strengh to remove the chip (grudge) from my shoulder. But you all seem to believe that my grudge is justified, which I believe too. The main thing that makes me think twice before acting is that maybe her parents are right and we should have waited til afer her brother's wedding before announcing our engagement and maybe we should have planned our wedding for 2008 or 2009 to give her parents time to save up some money to pay for part of the wedding?? But we had already paid for our originally planned wedding and everything was organised. So maybe her dad just made us postpone because he wanted to retain power over the situation? But now they're being all nice to me... Grrrh, it could be mind games, I just don't know. I'm so sorry for not just telling her it's over. I do appreciate your advice and agree with it, I just don't want to do the wrong thing as, hey, I'm, biased. Anthony

I forgot to say in my reply that I guess because of what has happened, I love her but I'm not in love with her as much as I used to be. I've even told her stuff like this, as I believe strong couples should share their feelings, but she just said that's fine and she seems to want to go ahead with the wedding. It kinds of feels like even though we're 26 and 29, we're like a couple in their 40s, having a mid life crisis or something. Anthony

Responding to DN: I agree that it's not wise to go through with marriage if one has some quite strong doubts like me. I'm 26 and when I was a kid I often dreamed of a happy engagement and marriage, my girlfriend being really happy about my proposal and then a nice happy wedding. But this is the opposite to what's actually happened in my life recently. Even though I do love my fiance in many ways, my mind keeps telling me I could probably find truer happiness with someone else. I think my fiance is NOW, after much time, commited to the idea of marrying me, and her parents are also warmer to the idea, but it all feels a bit "too little, too late" for me, as their negative feelings and actions have already shot me, if you get what I'm saying. I understand why you feel her parents insisted on postponing the wedding to buy them more time to dissuade her from marrying me, but the big question is why are they now acting all nice and really enthusiastic about it, when only a few months ago, her dad said he would rather die than see her marry me? This is one of the other things that worries me for my future, how if her parents can change their emotions so quickly like that, will their emotions suddenly change again in the future about all kinds of other things? They still criticise our jobs, our food choice, our car choice and so on. Yes, I certainly won't go to war with her parents but I feel like I will also harbour bitterness and resentment and not trust them, because of what they have done and their personalities. When I was a kid I was bullied at school and didn't stand up for myself, and I feel like the same is happening again, kinda like I'm being bullied and not standing for what I want and feel, suffering in silence. If I speak up, her parents just drown me out and my fiance doesn't really want to hear my deepest thoughts. The biggest problem right now is that we had already organised our previous wedding and postponed it, and now that her parents are suddenly happy about us, we have already organised various things for our fall 2007 wedding such as the church and the party venue, hotel rooms and so on. I feel kinda trapped as I feel the air needs to be cleared with talking, before the marriage still goes ahead. In response to SYRIX: Yeah, I wish I knew the reason why my girlfriend isn't very good at relationships. She's my 2nd serious girlfriend (although I didn't live with my first and didn't see a future with her) and I'm her 2nd serious boyfriend. I think it must be her strange family upbringing that has affected her judgement on relationships. She thinks it's normal for a husband and wife to eat their meals in silence and occasionally say something nice, then have little arguments constantly, then occasionally be nice for a few seconds. But for me, right at the start of our marriage life together, it doesn't feel right or normal to be like this. In response to KELLBELL: It's true, she was never thrilled about the idea of getting married. Her brother ran away from home when he was 20, to live with his girlfriend. They didn't speak to his parents for many years and they waited 12 years before getting married. I think my girlfriend wanted us to do the same kind of thing. You use the word disaster and you're right, it's one huge mess. But my girlfriend doesn't see it. She thinks and acts like everything's cool now, even though there it still tension, she has lost a lot of my trust as she chose her parents wishes over ours and she has lost a couple of friends over this situation (they thought she should have chosen me not her parents). This is a view that everyone I know shares, that my girlfriend tried to be the noble mediator and get a compromise deal to please her parents and me, but she has failed, only pleasing them. I did what you suggested and made a list of qualities I would want in my potential wife. In the smaller things (like the same tastes in music, food and leisure time) my girlfriend is perfect, but in the large issues like trust and generally being on my wavelength when it comes to feelings, she scores quite low. I guess a good summary would be to say that our relationship is great until I think about her turning down my first proposal or until her parents derailed our first wedding, then we start to argue and I want out. In response to ASSUMELOVE: I have thought about counselling and my girlfriend lukewarmly agreed to go, but she doesn't think it will do any good and she admitted she would still bottle her feelings up inside. Plus there's the time factor. Her parents are now already paying for things and making arrangements, so it's almost too late to stop the wedding plans. Her parents are so careless that they believe I'm 100% happy with them/the situation, even after what they've done. Her dad planned his birthday party for 2 weeks after his actual birthday, so the party was on the day we were getting married, and I didn't go. They didn't even understand why I didn't go, they're that naive. Some questions for everyone: 1) Have you or do you know of any couples who have experienced internal problems like this, so early on in their relationship or married life? 2) How can I figure out if my trapped, depressed feelings are because of this awful mess with our marriage plans, or partly also because of problems at my work/job and/or partly because I'm going through a soul searching passage in my life where I want a hope for the future, through either family or religion or friends? 3) Is a relationship which is 65% fine based on the same interests and tastes, which then turns bad quite often whenever her parents or emotions are mentioned, worth continuing with? 4) Am I really justified in feeling so bitter towards her parents and kind of losing some trust and respect in my girlfriend because of her choices? After all, she acted with good intentions, trying to please both parties. 5) Might my feelings be ironic? I regularly start crying when I'm alone, and it might be some kind of ironic happiness I'm experiencing, where deep inside I'm actually happy but I'm wrestling with some bitter feelings too. I just dont know. 6) Isn't it fair to say that many couples have problems with their in-laws too, and these couples all manage, so why shouldn't I just shut up and get on with things? Personally, I wanted a loving extended family to marry into. My folks wanted this too, so that I could look forward to staying with the in-law family on holidays. But instead, I dread it. Her mum speaks to me like I'm a 12 year old boy. She even says I act like one because I say thankyou too much! But the week previously, she complained I didn't say thank you enough. 7) How much truth is in what some shrinks say about marrying your father? I ask this because recently I've become moody as a result of the problems with her parents and her inability to addres or deal with them, and she seems to like it better when I'm moody, maybe because I'm like her father? 8) For the first time in 2.something years, we had a pregnancy worry. Because of our relationship between quite messy and strained, I kindly asked her if we could hold back on the sex for a while as the last thing we want right now is kids. She agreed and is intending to see a doctor to go on the pill. Do you think I made the right decision? I mean, abortion is not something I would want, but nor is a kid at this stage, when we're not exactly ecstatically happy together. 9) Maybe her parents were justified in being angry about us announcing our engagement (and it was a very quiet, discrete announcement) before her brother had gotten married - maybe we should have waited until after? Grrr, I'm just so confused about everything. I do love her mostly, but my feelings have definitely changed and she doesn't understand why. I don't want a future alone, yet I don't want a future with unresolved feelings of bitterness towards my in-law family. I don't want to regret me breaking us up, but at the same time I don't want to regret marrying the wrong woman who choses her family over me at the end of the day. But perhaps I'm being hopelessly romantic expecting a fairlytale commitment of love from her, which doesn't happen in the modern day? Thank you all for listening. I'll keep you posted. Anthony

My story is very similar to RockChickKim's: showthread.php?t=159414 I've been dating my fiance for 2 years and we've been living together for 1 of those years. When we started dating and I met her parents, they generally liked me. Then my fiance told her parents that mine are of a non-mainstream religion, but that I haven't attended church since 16 and am not a follower myself. Her parents' attitude towards me and us changed instantly. She (her mom) started to say, over a course of many months, lots of nasty things about me and us, about the way I look, my education, background, my parents, my job, our relationship and about their own daughter (my girlfriend). A few months into our relatinship, my girlfriend suddenly told me she thought we should break up as she didn't know what she wanted from her life. She wanted to travel and be free and find out who she is. We talked all night and decided to stay together, mainly as a result of what I had said, not what she had said. She seemed a very weak person you see. Things between us got better and we had some really good times. She had a miserable life at home, as her parents constantly row and argue about all kinds of things and generally made her life quite miserable. We decided to move in together towards the end of the 1st year of our relationship and things got even worse. Her parents tried everything to stop her moving in to live with me (3 hours away by car). I tried to respectfully communicate with her parents but they refused to listen or talk. Her mother kept saying that if I contacted them again, she would hate me. Obviously I told her that I wanted things to be good between everyone involved, but she just kept repeating the same things. In the Fall, her ex contacted her and she turned really strange. She used to cry all the time but wouldn't talk to me about why. It wasn't until a few weeks later that she told me her ex had been contacting her. She seemed to still have feelings for him even though they broke up 2 years ago after he cheated on her repeatedly. Then things got bettwe between us again for a while, when she told him about me and he stopped contacting her. Christmas last year was utterly miserable, everyone eating in silence, with false pleasantries. Her dad refused to shake my hand. All that kinda stuff. I proposed to my girlfriend in Spring 2006 and initially she said no. I asked her why and she told me that she saw a bright future with me (whereas she had always seen a dark future with her ex) but didn't want to tell her parents about it as they hate me, so she would rather we don't get engaged for a while longer. She asked me if I could propose again in at least 6 months. I lovingly agreed to propose again later. I proposed 3 months later as things seemed really good between us. She said maybe, thought about it for a few days and then said yes. When she told her parents the news, they hung up the phone. Then her mom emailed her with abusive comments about us, me, my parents, marriage, men (her mom hates men) and all kinds of other stuff. Things between us and her parents have been very tense since she told them that we're engaged. Her parents constantly try to convince her not to marry me. Her brother got married in September and her parents suddenly wanted to talk to us about our own marriage plans. Despite having sent many emails stating their views and abusive comments in black and white, they told me that the only reason why they weren't happy about our engagement was because we didn't want until after her brother's wedding before we announced it. Is this a good enough reason? I mean, we set our wedding date for spring 2007 and only announced our engagement, we were not stealing any of the attention away from her brother or anything. When her parents finally talked to her and I, they still didn't answer any of the questions I wanted to ask them and they refused several times to apologise for any of the upsetting things they've said to/about me and my family. Her dad told her that he would not speak to her again and he would diswon her if we got married in spring 2007. He wanted our wedding to be some time fall 2007 or after. Why couldn't he have told us this at the time she accounced our enagagement? Instead, the refused to even acknowledge that we were together or engaged for many months. They even refused to speak to her until a week before her brother's wedding. Her parents finally agreed to meet my parents recently, after much persuasion. They still refused to compromise or to properly talk, though - her parents just made demands, expressed their opinions and expected my parents to accept them. We spent some time over Christmas with her family. Her dad is always in a bad mood, doesn't say anything, occasionally shouts, doesn't like small talk, spends most of his time in his room, antisocial. Her mom is a devout Roman Catholic and has very strict opinions about men, life, marriage and other stuff. She wears the pants in their relationship. She accused him of having affairs years ago. Because of their mother's influence, my girlfriend and her brother didn't speak to their dad for a few years despite living in the same house as him. This is one messed-up family. Problem is, my girlfriend thinks it's normal for a man and woman to be married but to argue constantly, because her parents do this. Very similar to Kim's situation, my girlfriend made a deal with her parents. She agreed to postpone our wedding to a date that suited her parents, so that they would still speak to her and come to the wedding. She agreed that they could have major influence in the location, style, guests and all the other stuff. We lost money on the original wedding plans we had made. Anyway, the point is, we're getting married in October 2007 and I just don't know how I feel any more. I feel like a chess pawn, used by her and her family. I don't feel like a human with feelings. She expected me to agree to postpone our wedding to please her parents, even though they acted like babies and became very nasty, refusing to talk about it for months. No, her parents are suddenly acting all nice, and, like Kim, I don't know if it's because they're smug because they've gotten their way, or because they are actually happier for us now. But even if they're genuinely happier about us now, her mom is still trying to dictate things, from the dress to the invites to the guests and so on. My fiance acts as if everything is great now, but there is still so much tension because of the unsaid things. My girlfriend and I have never really talked about how we feel, because she refuses to talk. I'm a very communicative person and she's not. She bottles her feelings up. I tried to tell her the other day how unhappy I feel and she walked away! Sure, I've got some troubles at work at the moment and these problems must influence our relationship in some ways, but the main reason I'm unhappy is that 65% of the time, I don't feel connected to my girlfriend any more. I feel she let me down when she kinda chose her folks over me. And before that, I felt let down when she almost ended it when her ex contacted her. It seems that in our relationship it's always me who is the one conceding and giving in to others' feelings. We have always enjoyed the same interests such as swimming, hip hop music and the same kind of foods, but in the big things in life, we just don't agree any more. I've started to attend various different churces recently as I feel I need some faith in my life. When I ask her how she feels about this, she just laughs at it and says she doesn't mind what I do or choose. I asked her how her staunch Roman Catholic mom will react if I decide, for example, to become a Buddhist. She said I was stupid for even asking this question. But because of all the awful problems her family have created for us so far, I see so many additional problems in our future, so it's important to talk about things like religion, kids and other big issues now, before we get married. But she just doesn't see it at all. And I doube divorce would ever be a last-resort option as her parents would die of shame. Throughout my life I've met various parents who have told me they wished I was their daughter's boyfriend as I'm such a nice guy. But I've ended up with horrible people for in-laws. It would be fine if my fiance appreciated how I feel, but she thinks her parents are great now. It's just so difficult. Why did I get the short straw, and do I really want a future full of tension? My fiance has also put on a lot of weight since the problems with her parents started. She doesn't wear any make-up any more even though she knows that when we go to the movies or something, I'd like her to wear some. It just feels like she's complacent in our relationship and would be too scared to lose me. Maybe she's just scared of being alone. I am too, but I would prefer to end it now or at least not get married this year after all, compared to being trapped in a marriage of silience, tension and misery, every time we even talk about her parents in a conversation. I just don't want to do anything stupid. I don't know how I'm feeling, if I 100% love her any more after what her and her family have done, and what I truly want. I guess I want a future full of more happy and nice people than horrible, negative people. A couple of other women have asked me our recently and I do like them, but said no because Im a faithful guy. But it was tempting, because my girlfriend just want talk about things. I can honestly feel us turning into her parents and becoming like them. I wanted to express my thoughts on Enotalone and see what you think. Anthony.