A better day?

I feel more strong today.

I still feel bad, but strong...this is definitely a new feeling.

I can understand the feelings of pain and shock

Those are completely horrible feelings.

It feels like there is something in my chest generating those feelings. Then my head starts to bother me and it spreads through my body.

For the first time ever, I feel like I can identify with the words "rape survivor".

I have no idea how I'll be feeling a couple of hours from now, or a day from now.......but right now, I feel that way.

My friend never called me back yesterday, so I've come to my own conclusion.

I really feel that she is still his friend.

It's like, from the beginning she never seemed shocked by what the rapist did.

It's like she wasn't surprised or upset by what he did do me.

It's like she had pity on me, like it was some kind of misunderstanding.

And I haven't told her that he admitted to doing it.

I don't think i should have to, she'll probably just tell me, "that's not what he said".

But I am getting stronger.

I told another friend that I was raped yesterday.

It's like, I feel like I have to do it.

It's hard to get it out. It's like everything I say about the rape....it's so hard to get it out.

But I keep pushing, and pushing it out of me, because I feel like it's the only way I can fight.

And it soooo hard.

But I'd rather expose my vunerability than feel like that rapist is smothering the life out of me.

And these days, that's how I feel.

I tried keeping it a secret, I tried forgetting, but this is the only thing that seems to be working.

I feel like I'm taking steps, they are such little steps, but they are steps.

And maybe one day, I'll be able to look that person dead in their eyes, and tell them that they couldn't take the best of me.

I know that day will come, even it's years from now, and I have to hop on a plane and track him down myself.

I'm going to do it.

He's not going to step all over me and walk away, I won't let it happen.

I'm sorry.

I guess I just had to get that off of my chest.

A memory is what I would like the rape to be, a complete memory, then it will be finished with.

But you know, part of me wants it to become more real.

I feel like I've been assulted by a ghost.

Maybe that's why I don't feel enraged. I don't feel like my attacker is real.

I can't wait for the shock to wear off.

I just want to feel strong again.

And I am feeling that way.

Can you believe, I woke up this morning feeling less concerned with how others may view me?

Maybe that's why I feel like a survivor.

Because I shouldn't really care what others think.

And for the first time ever, I realize that it doesn't mean I can't still be caring, or considerate, or thoughtful.

It just means that I won't let the negativity of others define who I am.

I never realized this before.....so the day is turning out better than I expected.

Life hurts sometimes.

I don't know. It's weird how you can feel empowered and then feel like you're about to fall apart at the same tme.

But I can't be ashamed anymore. I'm a mess, and I'm tired of hiding it.

I'm not perfect. I'm not perfect.

I will never be perfect. I'm just me.

And somehow that has to be okay.

I read something in a heal trauma workbook. It says that "the body remembers what the mind forgets."

That helped me to understand why I felt the ways I did.

It feels like there is something in my chest generating those feelings. Then my head starts to bother me and it spreads through my body.

Grace, I totally understand your words. The only way to get rid of that is to get it out, to face that pain full-on. You are a smart girl, and you seem to understand that. Keep venting! Keep talking to us! And keep talking to your friends.