Relationship of over 2 yrs was a sham, cheated the whole time

I just found out this weekend that my boyfriend of over 2 yrs got a girl pregnant 6 mos ago. I ended it and kicked him out, demanded my keys back and closed the door behind him.

The next day I magically recalled his email password and looked at his mailbox. I discovered that the infidelity had been going on at the earliest, at least, 4 months into this 2 yr and 2 month relationship. He had an expired acct with an online dating service and I found an email from a woman he had dated for 4 months and was even trying to move to CA with her when she finishes school and moves back home.

Now this man is out of my life and I am shocked, horrified, betrayed, and full of fear. I had a blood test this morning for HIV and Hepititis and I have an appt with the gynecoligist tomorrow. Not only are there phyisical implications to the infidelity, but also, the emotions are a roller coaster ride. My friends are rallying around me and everyone keeps calling to check on me and I have a lot of support, but I really need to hear from people who have been through similar situations. There is something about the shared problem that lightens the load.

Please help me.

My ex fiance cheated on me, she swares up and down it was right before she broke up with me, but I have no reason to trust that explanation. It sucks, but when you do get over it, your better for it. I suggest not holding any emotions in, don't bottle it up. Try to be positive and go out and have some fun, your single again.

Oh hun- I'm so sorry this happened to you! You must be furious to say the least.

Although I've never had that happen to me- I've had friends that have been in the situation. Thank goodness you were able to find out, and also strong enough not to take any lies. I'm glad you kicked him out.

You can be thankful that he will never waste another second of your time, and that you got him out of your life before marriage or children. At least now you can make a clean break and never have to have anything to do with him again.

I hope all of your tests come out well. Once the medical scare aspect is over with, you can at least start to put your life back together.

I agree with becallamjr, do not try to bottle up your emotions. You will likely have a lot of anger and trust issues to contend with. Let yourself feel....because it is an important part of the healing process.

BellaDonna

I appreciate the suggestions. I have been baring every emotion I have. I am fearful of tonight though. We are both in AA and the bastard my show his face at the meeting. I am torn between anger and depression, and neither is deserved by him. I want to hold my head high, but I want to be true to myself too. Ya know?

Well no contact with him is definitely necessary for you to heal. I know AA is important to you- but do you really think you can get the most out of it if he shows up?

Maybe you should look for another program to help you- one that he has no attachment to. Because he presense there will undermine the effectivenss of AA for you.

BellaDonna

Unfortunately, the most important thing right now is AA. If I slack on meetings I could end up drunk, and for an alcoholic like me, to drink is to die. The closest I can get to NC is to be surrounded with people. If he shows up I'm going to flip. Well, at least now I am angry. I would much rather be angry then depressed.

Oh honey, I am so sorry, and I wish you the very best in your tests. I am really glad you kicked him out, and I am also happy it was not YOU that was pregnant or already had children with him. It's tough to see, but it is good you found this out before marriage/children.

I have not been in your spot either, but my mother and a few friends have been, and I know how devastating it is to find out there were so many lies and abuses of trust and commitment.

Is there another local AA chapter you can attend? It is very important you continue to go if they are beneficial to you, and I assume they are if you have an addiction, however him being there may not be to the best benefit.

I would also suggest forums, as they have a lot of people in similar situations, including many where the mistresses got pregnant etc.

I too am so sorry to hear of this ultimate betrayel. I have been cheated on in the past but not to this extent and I can imagine it must be so devestating.

I'm so glad that you are keeping with your focus on staying sober because you know at a time when you are especially vulnerable like this it's easy to slip into old habits again.

What a total scumbag, ugh!

I went through a time when I found out an ex of mine had very risky sex before me and our condom broke and I had to be screened for every STD under the sun and I was so nervous! Everything for me turned out Ok and I hope it will for you too.

Glad to hear your friends are rallying around you, you will need them so much right now.

You know we are here for you whenever you need to vent or share your feelings.

((HUGS))

I know how you feel, i was dating my ex for 8 months, then i found out i was the other women. We were friends first for 20 years, then started dating in April 2005. He has two boys that were with me all the time. I found out when i cared for his boys he was with the other women. I helped him out financial, bought him and his boys food and clothing. The money i gave him for bills, he was using on the other women. It's been two months with nc, but it still hurts to be used by him. The love i felt for him is turning into hate. He is still with her, i found out a week ago she is going to have his baby. I ask god to take the pain and the anger away and help me heal, you will be in my prayers.

I am on an emotional roller coaster ride. I just passed through anger and into some weird chipper personality thing. I feel like myself for a moment. This is nice, but I know, this too shall pass. I have already reached a point of acceptance regarding the medical aspect, but I think it will be a bit longer to accept the infidelity and the situation. Its one heck of a shock to the system. I am however, happy to report that this is the 4th day that I have been the better person. Its tough to stay good when bad things happen. But I am a good person, and must remain so through this.

Stay strong, we will get through this, and god has something good for us.

Comet, I am so sorry. Part of this range of emotions is also pain for the other women because he was hurting so many of us simultaneously. Part of me wants to contact the ones I know about to warn them of the risk factor, but being the other woman can be devastating too. I presume I will wait for result before I seek any contact.

I'm so glad someone finally said God! He has been carrying me in the palm of his hand for so long, and I have always believed it, but now, I KNOW it.

The other women know about me, she called me. She found my number on his cell phone. He's been with her for 1 1/2 year, and me 8 months. I believe if you love someone you dont't hurt them. Love don't hurt. I don't want him back in my life. God showed me a way out, even if it hurts.

I can certainly feel for you. I am so very sorry you have gone through such an ordeal. It can be devastating to find out about the ongoing betrayals, lies, deceit and cheating.

You are right its can be a constant roller coaster of emotions, with the highs and lows. You are definitely not alone in what you are going through. There are so many of us here that have gone through the same type thing. I too went for the medical testing after breaking up with my cheating boyfriend.

Its great that you have friends that are supporting you. That will be a great help to you. Hopefull we here on the site can lend an ear or shoulder when ever you need to vent. Stay strong and concentrate on you now. There will be some one out there that is much more deserving of you.

This first link is the story of a similar situation that I went through with my boyfriend.

This link below is about when I found out about a prior positive Hepatitis C that he had and with held the info from me.

Click on either of those and you can read a story of much similarity to yours.

Just know that it does get better with time and great support.

The idea of medical testing is very wise on your part. I hope the best for you on your tests. Just keep thinking positively and rely on your support sources to get you through. This site has been phenomenal in helping me recover and move on. Everyone is always willing to listen and help.

Well, the next chapter really sucked. His sponsor, learning of the lies, deception, and manipulation fired him today. He called me and left me a nasty message blaming me for his sponsor firing him. Its so sad that he is so sick that he cannot see that he has made this bed and now he must lie in it. After he retaliated with a nasty voicemail (one in which he blocked his number so I would end up listening to it) he texted the sponsor that he was coming to the meeting and that he was going to bring Paula. She is CA girl who knows nothing of me. In retrospect I recall him asking if I would mind his visiting his friend "Paul" for a week or two during Christmas break and if I would care for his fishtanks while he was away. It was gutwrenching and I lost it. No tears, just preparing for battle. I pulled my hair in a bun, put on my sneakers, took of my rings and my dangly earrings and got ready for a fight. It was sick. But I also called a lot of people, many of whom talked me out of that insanity. He didn't show up. Allegedly, he went to an SLAA meeting instead, thats Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. I don't buy this Sex Addict business. I know its real, but I don't think he is one. Trying to move away to CA and run from the pregnant one and leave me are not sex addict actions, are they? It seems to clear and thought out, the deception and manipulation of this poor woman Paula. I should think if he was truly a sex addict he wouldn't be interested in her for more than one or two trystes and then he would move onto another bed and another woman.

Clarifying moment about what a sociopath he is: I have HPV and he knew it and knowingly infected potentially dozens of women with a virus that will cause cervical cancer, yet do him no damage. These poor women. I bet they all have no idea why they have cervical dysplacia now.

Eowyn,

He sounds truly horrible...I don't know if he is a sex addict or not but he is definitely selfish and narcisstic and you are right.....it is a blessing you are finally seeing him for what he is.

As for the women - what I worry about more is those not going for regular pap smears whom might not have the dysplasia caught in it's early stages when it is highly treatable, before it becomes advanced cancer. Unfortunately there are a lot of women whom don't go for regular check ups, so I hope that they all do.

That was certainly a terrible, vile, selfish, ignorant thing for him to knowingly do.

The mornings are th hardest. It takes me a long walk into my day before I realize that I did nothing to deserve any of this. I have to relearn every day that he is sick and if it wasn't me it would've just been someone else. But my first thought in the morning is "Oh my God! Why me? Why does someone want to hurt me? What did I do to him?"

Its insane. It takes a while to clarify that I am 0% responsible and that he is a full blown psycho who victimizes women knowingly and willfully and just be some unfortunate twist of fate, I happened to be one of his victims.

The mornings are the hardest.

I think mornings are often the hardest...sometimes it feels like you are "reliving it all" after you were able to escape it for a night. I think it's also because your mind is fresh, you are alone and have time to think.

I don't know why he did it to you - perhaps he took advantage of your kind nature and good heart, or why you ended up in this mess, but I do know that it is important to not change whom YOU are. Because then he would win in all of this, and you would deprive a future partner of that kind nature and good heart....and you would miss out on having the same from them...

As days go by, things will get better. Some days will feel worse then others, but eventually one day you will feel a burden gone, you will feel lighter, free, and happy within yourself...and you will get there.

I have been forcing myself to eat. My whole body aches like I have the flu. It hurts. It just hurts.

I agree that mornings can be bad. Before I got over my breakup, my mornings were difficult, waking up , and knowing I had to face another day, with all that had happened in my mind.

It does get you to a point where you dont feel like eating and that you physically ache from all the pain you are enduring.

I agree with RayKay, there will come a day when you feel like a ton has been lifted from yourself. Its just going to take that time to heal. I hope the best for you. I truly know the heartache that you are going through.

Outlook on the tests is good. The docs office said bad news comes immediately and good news takes a few days. About the gyno, everything looks good there and we will know for sure on Monday.

He emailed me. The attempted manipulation continues. He is still denying pretty much any women that aren't pregant with his baby. Its insanity. He blamed me for his sponsor firing him yet again and then waxed on for one heck of a long paragraph about how he's going to SLAA and the road he must travel will be long and hard "and unfortunately he will be doing it alone". He also mentioned how bad he felt for doing this to "the one person who ever believed in him". What a sumbag! He is still trying to get me to forgive him and be in his life. He is such a sicko!!!!!!

Wow, wut a manipulator, a user!!!!! Good thing ur not falling for it. How about telling him not to ever contact you or u may have to report him.

I've considered the restraining order but he has caused and threatened no physical harm. I thought it better to not reply to the email and let him go nuts trying to figure out if I immediately deleted it without reading it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, my motives weren't the purest, but its the least I can do, nothing. Considering the retaliation fantasie I was having this is kindergarten stuff. So I didn't reply. Silence is deafening.