LootieTootie

Hi HeartFeltDesire, When I read your post I initially thought "well this is normal" when you're dating around and hoping something sticks. Then you go into these negative thoughts you can't shake off. This sounds more like some anxiety disorder. Please talk to a health professional so they can assess you.

It sounds like you're torn about your gf's martial art skills. One side of you, you're proud of her. But the other side of you, you feel unmasculine. I would suggest you do some self-reflection because this is a 'you' problem. What makes you feel insecure about her martial art accomplishments and skills? Do these insecure feelings tie in to your mood, your confidence, your anxieties with friends, and your self-being? Do you love your girlfriend enough to work thru these insecurities?

Kudos to you for giving the guy a second chance. Seldom do we get second chances on first impressions 🙂 Just to add, I didn't think you did anything wrong or you overreacted. I think you were being true to yourself. This also, giving it another shot, is just another expression of who you are. You're forgiving and a believer of second chances. I don't think you should look at it any other way or try to. The best Mexican food I've had were near the border and in Ensenada. MMMMmm... I haven't gone back to Ensenada in so long... but I miss it. Just wished it wasn't so dangerous for tourists.

No, I wouldn't waste my time because time is very precious to me. But that doesn't mean its because I needed something and he didnt give it to me. It's because we were no longer a match. Again I wouldn't say it's needs. To me it's compatibilities. I'm sure this may all be semantics we are arguing about, but if you say "you need this from your partner/lover" thats totally fine. And if you're like me and my husband where we don't associate wants/desires/values as needs - thats fine too. It's kind of like Each to their own. Nothing wrong or right.

Happily married here and I know my husband and I would never say we need each other. We express needs as in something you can't live without. It doesn't mean we are not in love, don't support each other, don't do things for each other, aren't intimate, etc. I think if you're expressing your "needs" in a lover/partner, its the same as expressing your preferences in a partner. Both my husband and I have always been independent and introverted - loners, you can say. We enjoy each other's company but we like our own company. We both have big families so it's not like we have no one - we sometimes say we have too many people in our lives, too many functions every weekend! Our life wouldn't be full without the other but that just means we have to find a way to fill that void. He's gone on long work trips and I make the most of my time with hobbies and with family. I also echo catfeeder here. We all have our likes and dislikes... and I can tell you as much as my husband and I are different (think conservative Southern Gentleman meets liberal Cali girl who never liked getting flowers or getting doors opened for her), we do share the same values and desires. If you need a man to take care of you, theres a man out there who wants to take care of his woman. If you want a woman who is docile, there's a woman out there for you. If you want a man who can protect you, theres a guy out there. There's no wrongs or rights.

Pretty sure that is a standard 8 hour shift

Clearly you arent happy and your friends validate your feelings. However, I think you need to not be influenced by your friends' opinions. You need to think for yourself. If this relationship isn't working for you, speak up. If he isn't listening or dismissing you and not working towards a mutual resolution, then don't waste another minute of your life on someone who isn't filling your cup.

Funny, not long ago I posted how my husband and I finally met in person at a bar after gaming for a couple of months. We both were not dressed up but I think we both were presentable. If it had been a "date" I definitely would have actually done my hair. But it wasn't, it was called a meet. I had it in topknot (like Mulan) and I just remembered thinking "I should have done my hair" the whole time we were together at the bar because I was thinking this man was hot (and he still is!) He did tell me he always liked my hair up and its what he saw when we were gaming online so I guess you can say, it worked out for me. I think people can connect easily online - Ive done it many times where I meet a lot of gamers and we just clicked ONLINE, and then I actually hang out with them in real life, and they are just different. Its the same... I have staff under me who can write the most wittiest and funniest email and respond to me on Teams with the funniest messages in a split second, and when I go to lunch with them, they're just.... quiet....awkward. I'm like "hey where's that funny or smart arse side?" So when you meet in real life, it can be so different. I think thats what happened and it comes down to compatibility. First impression is important to you, no question ask. This guy... not so much. I am also a firm believer that when you meet someone, you just know. I think when you saw him, you just knew this isn't the guy for you.

I think I'm with Batya because we seemed to have the same experience with "bad boys." I was an angst teenager (I started the emo look before it was a thing) and I dated the bad boys who ditched class regularly and smoke weed under the bleachers. One of them created his own gang and I remembered thinking "cool" and it turned to be just him and his friend in the gang LOL. But I was into the guys who weren't afraid of getting into fights and didnt care about anything except being stupid and philosophical all at the same time SMH... I did end up realizing that these bad boys were just... boys. Then after that, I was into manly man 😁 That wasn't such a smooth journey too but luckily I found one who isnt afraid of wearing his heart on his sleeves.

That video might leave someone who is having a hard time with dating even more discouraged. But then I see Catfeeder mentioned this, and I'm definitely in agreement with everything she said. So maybe I'll check his other videos 🙂

I agree with everything you said ShySoul. However I think a grown woman talking to a teenage boy for this long and finally confessing her age, is a big red flag. It sounds like they haven't met but just been talking, and she talks a lot about her ex. Yikes and yikes

I realized that the older I get, life gets more in the way. I used to wake up early and go to the gym at 5am and have a shower at the gym, blow-dry my hair, put on make-up, get dressed and go work. That was my self-care for many years and I love the feeling - having that drive every morning. As I got older, I got in to this sedentary life and theres really no internal drive - just wanting the weekend to come. And even when the weekend comes, theres functions all the time. So what I do now is I think ahead of time. If I know for certain that theres going to be a weekend where 1) I don't have any functions to attend, 2) not have any visitors, and 3) my husband and the dogs are out camping - I put on my calendar that's my me-time weekend. I plan what I am going to do all weekend. I also make sure that means no TV, no responding to texts unless needed and no responding to work calls and emails. I also get lucky if I get to be on here and post sometimes. It's hard when I see a thread I want to respond to, but can't for days. Sighs...

So she was talking to you when you were just 15 and she was 26? Isn't that weird to you?

Good. This is not the guy for you. Too many flags.

I finally watched the video - had to come back and watch it. I think for the most part, he really made a convincing argument. We brought this up about men's low testosterone levels. He touched on this and went into a bit further, even calling men nowadays "unhealthy." There are also truths to females loving bad boys, and truth in what he said about the modern landscape impact on courting/dating - as in why men don't or can't really court/woo a woman as much as they used to back in the "good old days" I do like the video, but I don't think I would recommend it to anyone single and is out there dating with intention.