Batya33

I'm so sorry to hear this and I have heard often the flaring up can be out of nowhere -not related to what you've eaten or not eaten. I hope it gets better!!

What he wrote was similar to what I wrote -you seem to be focused on needing a "group" that does things together -specific things and fairly specific routine (except when you feel like changing it up like you did with choosing to get your laundry done and show up later) - and to me that's different from wanting friendship. That's wanting to feel like you're part of a group of friends -more like acquaintances or activity partners - rather than truly wanting to connect. That might be why that person didn't tell you he was an expectant father -he gets the sense from you that your focus is far more on hanging out as a group than caring about his individual life when he's not at the game/the pub.

Onwards and upwards and it is great to hear how supportive your family is.

Why - that's so extreme! Totally fine to feel what you feel -strong attraction is fun and exciting and thrilling! But your actions and reactions should be realistic. You don't know this person and you won't really know relevant stuff until you get to know him over a longer period of time -like, months. So being so hopeful and choosing to get that intensely carried away-is not based on reality -it's based on an initially strong attraction and then of course you see the person through that perspective. Maybe he is a good person who is also a good fit for you -time will tell. But sure -have fun with those yummy feelings! No need to be "cold". Realistic shouldn't be cold. There's nothing to get over - you and he flirted and spoke some and you found out early on he is not a person of character and integrity. It's safer to dwell on how hot he is and pine away, "stuck" than to put in the effort to interact socially with people - it's normal. You can shift from reacting to this sort of strong attraction by choosing to pine away to dusting yourself up and returning to the front lines.

What it looked like. First time - I ended things but it was also mutual. 6-7 weeks before the wedding. I just had too many doubts, I was in panic mode. A month later I wanted him back. We met for dinner. He said no - it would be really romantic of course but then I know we'd be in the same situation again. No cheating or lying or betrayal. No abuse in the least. For the next 7 plus years we emailed a few times a year -mostly impersonal stuff. No phone calls. We had one fast dinner after 5 years or so when he was in town (he moved away about a year after we broke up). Platonic. Then after almost 8 years he emailed me that he'd be in my city (where we both grew up) over the summer -did I want to meet for dinner. We'd emailed a bit more in the past year because my dear friend and relative tragically passed away. I'd told him as he had known her. We emailed about her. I ended a long term on and off again 7 year relationship about 4 months before he emailed me asking about dinner and we met over a month later. I assumed it would be another platonic catch up dinner -I was single. Didn't know if he was -didn't ask. Sparks flew. And they weren't mentioned but it was obvious. He'd recently ended a one year serious relationship -he had to tell me that as I saw a dress in his apartment she hadn't yet picked up. (I walked him back to his apartment and stopped in for about an hour -totally platonic). The next week he called and asked me to dinner and theater and I figured it was with a group -I literally had no clue he was interested. We had a lovely -platonic -evening. Then almost two weeks passed and I started dating someone. We emailed a few times and he was going to be leaving town in about a month. He then called to see me again - platonic I assumed. Another lovely evening - and that night he asked me to get back together. I hesitated-for about 60 seconds? -it was -amazing but also overwhelming -we'd failed so colossally years ago. I said yes and we have a brief discussion about what we wanted -marriage and family- that we would likely be long distance, that I likely would have to relocate if we got married for his career. I idd tell him I was a a little scared! - I think he was too! - but we went for it. We got married 3 years and 4 months later. Same engagement ring! The wedding that did happen was 11 years and one month after the first cancelled one. We've been married 15 years and we're happy. We both had changed in ways that complemented each other. I didn't settle. We were 39 and 38 when we got back together. That's what it looked like!

Please don't let her little girl get attached to you while you're uncertain about the future -it's so unfair to her.

I agree with Boltnrun and Catfeeder and I would not delve far at all into "oh he's a commitmentphobe" -if that were the case that's on him to be motivated to seek professional help or some outside resource -friend, book, religious counselor -to stop letting his fear impede his future with you. He's not. You're not a therapist nor should you nag him into marrying you as I wrote. I'm a fan of information -relevant information -in your situation getting more information or getting him to say "yes I guess I'm afraid of commitment" -isn't going to really help in any practical way. Maybe an ego way -whew, it's not me it's him. Here's another thing that stands out to me -you've said much about your career goals -when it will be your turn to pursue them if you move with him (please don't!) - but you're soooo passive about this -oh well I won't know if he really means it till he's done with this project, oh I'm "hoping" he'll change his mind." I bet you're quite different when you pursue work, your career, your professional goals -yes? So why not here -is it possible you're not so keen on making this official so you're using his reluctance as an excuse to be safe from making such a big decision?

How does living together progress anything? I didn't see it that way personally and didn't need to test compatibility by sharing living space -especially since shortly after we married we shared 550 feet of living space (my apartment)with a newborn! No way to test how that's gonna be lol. I would give no head space or heart space to what ideas you imagine he is fighting. Back to basics. Right now he doesn't want to marry you. The best he can tell you is that it will take at least 5 years of dating and then he will see if he wants to marry you -he didn't say he'd propose after 5 years. Getting engaged isn't an "idea" -as you said it's a commitment to marry. It's not abstract. Interestingly he doesn't need any time to decide that he's fine with you following him to another city - soon. No time line concerns there despite knowing it's a huge commitment for you. Also please know he is telling you living together did not progress anything because now suddenly he has this 5 year plan.

What's his time line and yours for "eventually?" Did you know about his 5 year plan from the beginning and if not why? And if not whose to say when you think it's "your turn" he'll come up with some other time line like he only wants to move after X years in one place? Seems like you're making huge emotional and financial sacrifices for a boyfriend. Do you want kids? Does he?

LOL do you really think tall, good looking and $ is a strong attraction for a reasonably healthy and secure person looking for a long term partner? So if he had had these attributes you would have "understood" and not found yourself being all judgey about her past choice? You must have a fairly low opinion of her -or maybe women generally -you really think she would have fallen for those attributes to that extent if he also was not a good person? I would not move in with her unless you see yourself as a future stepparent, you have respect and admiration for her as a person no matter what choices she made in the past, You're making it unique and layered. It's pretty simple- she got involved with a person who lacked character and integrity, she married him for the wrong reasons and they share a child. Nothing much to process- either you're ok with her past choices or you're not, either you're ok with her being a mother or you're not. I personally would not be - as a prospect for marriage -because I wanted to marry a never married man who didn't have children and wanted to marry me and start a family with me- that was my strong preference. I stuck to that with rare exception - dated a single dad for a few months -child was born while we were dating -then quickly realized it wasn't for me- but I didn't date people where I was that troubled by their past choices that I looked down on them/was turned off etc. I'm also concerned your feelings on this could affect your feelings about her child. Her child deserves an environment where the adults are in a healthy, stable relationship. And make choices in her best interests always.

LOLLL! Thanks for the chuckle. I think you mostly want to argue. Good luck to you and I hope some of my input helped.

Do you think it is equal to marriage? How so? And your turn meaning what -you have a city you want him to move to with you because you feel like it?

Please don't nag or push someone into marrying you. Or a halfhearted proposal. To me anyway an engagement is not official without a ring and a wedding date -at least a wedding month.

Friendship is voluntary. Nothing to refuse - simply decide that the way this group interacts is not a good fit for you. No need to criticize or judge. Or make this into right or wrong. Ask yourself- for future friendships -would you rather be right or close? I agree with Jaunty's input.

Same and I would not relocate anywhere. What was the purpose in moving in together? Did you each have the same purpose? To me his 5 year time line sounds arbitrary.