I broke up with him, support needed

Continuing from my thread earlier....

He came home from work. I asked him if he had made an appointment to speak to a counselor. He said no, he hadn't even thought about it.

I was done.

He doesn't want to help himself. He doesn't want to get over whatever issues he may or may not even have.

But it doesn't matter. The fact is...he does not love me.

It doesn't matter why, or when he stopped or anything...it's just a cold hard fact. And I can sit here and think about all the good times we had, and all the plans we made, but it won't change anything.

Instead I'm going to go for a walk. Then I'm going to come back and hopefully read some supportive responses on here (please!!!), and then I'm going to look at apartments online.

Just climb through the vent, Bent!

If he's really that depressed it's not that he doesn't love you but the chemicals in his brain don't really allow him to process things right. Like looking through a special pair of glasses that make everything look miserable.

I'm sorry. You can't help someone who's unwilling to help themselves. And as much as you want to help it doesn't do either of you any good to let him drag you down too.

I posted on your thread earlier! And I'm glad to see that you've had the courage to make the right decision!

PROUD of you!!! Now please just stick with it and dont let him sweet-talk you or anything (which I'm sure he won't anyway). Focus on You, You, You.

May I ask how long you guys were together?

And how did he take the breakup.. what did he say?

I think you know in your heart this is the only choice you have. Now there will be room for someone who DOES want to be with you, always and forever, and won't ever even question that.

I keep feeling like I am making a mistake.

What if he really is depressed? He said he would get help...even after I told him I was leaving him he said he would still get help. He recognizes that he has some issues.

We have been together 3 and a half years. He's never been very open with me about his emotions. It's always been a point of contention with us. I can't tell you how many times I've cried myself to sleep laying next to him because he feels so cold towards me. But it wasn't all the time, not even most of the time.

We have had a lot of fun. We enjoy the same things, and have our own interests too. I think he genuinely loves me and cares about me but something is blocking him from being open and wanting to move forward.

He feels nothing. Even as we were breaking up and I was sobbing, he said he felt nothing. He kept saying "What the F is wrong with me? I should feel something."

Even right now I've been laying in the room next to his office crying...and he's playing video games. I guess that's how he escapes though.

I don't know...everything is so confusing right now.

I posted on your thread earlier! And I'm glad to see that you've had the courage to make the right decision!

 

PROUD of you!!! Now please just stick with it and dont let him sweet-talk you or anything (which I'm sure he won't anyway). Focus on You, You, You.

 

May I ask how long you guys were together?

 

And how did he take the breakup.. what did he say?

 

I think you know in your heart this is the only choice you have. Now there will be room for someone who DOES want to be with you, always and forever, and won't ever even question that.

IF he has a full blown depression, that does not mean it is your job to stay with him no matter what he does and says. It is HIS responsibility to get help, and put an effort into his relationship.

The fact that he does neither, tells me that he is fine being the way he is, and that he sees no need to change anything.

Yes he probably does genuinely care about you. But I also think he was telling you the truth when he told you that he does not see a future with you, and no longer has feelings.

And if it really is *just* his alleged depression talking, then see it this way - breaking up is still the right decision then. It will give you both time and energy to focus on yourselves, improve, change, etc.

It might be the push he needs in order to see a professional, get some medication, and work on his issues, and IF he manages to 'fix' himself, you two can still give it a shot later down the line.

But the way things are right now, it is NOT working. Its not fair to you. You say he's never been very open and it's always been an issue - even 3 and a half years later. He won't change. And dont think that 'having fun together' and 'sharing the same interests' makes up for that, even in the slightest. Not being open is a MAJOR issue, it is what will always be the one thing preventing from a relationship to reach its true potential, to be truly close to eachother, to connect on a deep level.

There are tons of guys out there that you'll have things in common with, be able to laugh with, who WON'T be emotionally unavailable. That's what I think your bf/ex bf is anyway - some signs of emotional disconnect/unavailability are identical to some signs of depression. I suggest you read up on both of them and then determine which one is most similar to him.

This is what catfeeder just posted now on your earlier thread. I'll quote her here because maybe you aren't checking that thread anymore.

If you'll buck up and leave the guy, you get to start healing and he gets to show you whether he can do the work and get the feelings back. If he does, then he'll have no trouble contacting you to let you know this. Meanwhile, you've bailed yourself out of limbo and can get a handle on your own life.

 

You'd have nothing to lose that you haven't lost already, and you'll have everything to gain--including a stronger sense of self respect.

 

Head high.

She is absolutely right and it's exactly the point I was trying to make above.

You are all so right.

I'm miserable living with him. I dread him coming home every day because I know I'm going to feel sad again.

It's not my fault he is depressed. It's not my fault he's not doing something about it.

Exactly!! And no relationship should ever be like that - where you dread them coming home. Thats no way to live. Good for you getting yourself out of that situation, just stay strong now!!

I think once the initial sadness wears off, you will start to feel a really refreshing, liberating sense of relief. You will meet the right guy eventually, the one who makes you feel loved and safe and secure every single day. And when you've met him you will once again be reminded of how glad you were that you ended this relationship.

Well now comes the hard part. Moving out!

And right now I don't care about the right guy. I just want to be left alone for awhile at least.

I meant left alone from men.....not from y'all lol

This sucks.

I made it through the night, but I hardly was able to fall asleep, so I'm not feeling rested at all.

At one point I had a nightmare...I don't remember what about...but I woke up and realized right away that I am alone. I get nightmares a lot and can usually fall back asleep pretty easily because I know he's next to me. Not this time.

I'm not crying. I just feel sort of numb, like this isn't real. Like we are going to snap out of it any moment and realize that we are madly in love with one another, and run towards one another in slow motion, like in the movies. I think that could be a source of a lot of problems for many people...we have these idolized versions of love and relationships that we get from Hollywood. They always work it out and get back together in the movies!

My friend is taking me to look at apartments this morning. This is all starting to feel very final.

Originally Posted by catfeeder

If you'll buck up and leave the guy, you get to start healing and he gets to show you whether he can do the work and get the feelings back. If he does, then he'll have no trouble contacting you to let you know this. Meanwhile, you've bailed yourself out of limbo and can get a handle on your own life.

 

You'd have nothing to lose that you haven't lost already, and you'll have everything to gain--including a stronger sense of self respect.

 

Head high.

Unless he reads this forum which tells dumpees to never, ever contact the dumper...

I know the surreal feeling too well. Come here and write to us whenever you feel, and keep us updated. You seem like a strong person, I have no doubt you'll be fine.

It is quite surreal!

I thought it would be awkward when he got home from work today. But it's just...normal. We even cracked some of our normal jokes with each other. Not sure how I am feeling this evening, honestly!