Going through divorce, wife still wants to spend family time together for kids

I'm pretty new to forums, period. So, here we go. My wife and I have been separated for nearly 2 years. We had initially mutually agreed to wait until I was finished with school before filing for divorce but I just couldn't take the control she had over my time and communication with our boys. Since initially filing, it's been a roller coaster! Sometimes the communication is great and other times it is just text battles lasting for days. She's told me at times that she just wants me out of their lives and then she'll say that she's not giving up on our marriage and she's going to give it her all. Personally, I'm done. I don't trust her, I can't take the control and the emotional roller-coaster. I went through a lot of mourning while we were separated and now I'm ready to move past this. We just went through mediation and came to an agreement where we would maintain a standard visitation schedule until after I graduate this next summer, then 50/50. She had been fighting me custody issues this whole time.

My problem is that right now we are in one of the good communication periods, but she wants us to do things together for the kids. As much as I want to spend time with my kids, especially with the holidays, I don't want to spend time with her. She keeps coming up with things for us to do together and if I don't she gives me guilt trips about not spending time with them. I love my kids and I went them to see that we can be civil and communicate with each other but I also feel that I might be giving them false hope by doing all these things together as a family.

How can I let her know that I still want to spend time with my boys and not her without slipping into another bad communication cycle?

You said, "but I also feel that I might be giving them false hope by doing all these things together as a family."

- I agree.

I never divorced but think I can safely say bad communication periods are a given. Do your best to limit them.

you are spot on with your thoughts ...and as lovely as it is to break up and then continue to act as a family for the sake of the kids , it is just wrong ... and indeed fills false hope to all involved . Plus when she has a hissy fit again she will no doubt stop wanting this and then the kids have to start the grieving all over again ..this time more confused then ever .

I doubt there is a way to tell her this without her going in to one and the only thing you can do is tell her the truth ... broad shoulders for when the guilt trip starts ..you know you want your children and love them so have you to just grow several more layers of skin for when she tries to get under it to persecute you with your fathering skills . You know she will do it but you know the truth ...

Take a firm stance and just tell her how it is ...... Everything you have said is spot on , you know what you are doing and have a level head regarding it all ..use this strength ...

I know some people who are very amicable in their divorces and do spend some shared family time together, but it is usually for SHORT things like a dinner now and again, or meeting for pizza after a kid's baseball game etc. And those family times do include any new spouses/partners as well so they are more like occasional extended family gatherings than original pre-divorce family time together.

My question is why is the divorce taking so long? There are plenty of cases where the divorce itself can be issued more quickly than 2 years, while financial settlements etc. follow later. Part of the problem if she doesn't want to be divorced is that you haven't really pushed the divorce through and she thinks there is still time to change your mind. So she is stalling and you are letting her. So the primary goal now is pushing thru the divorce as quickly as possible so that she understands you really aren't coming back.

If all issues are settled and the paperwork signed such that she can't renege on any agreements, then you don't have to indulge anything she wants to do at all. My suggestion is practical.. if the final divorce decree is near, then don't do anything to antagonize her and drag it out longer, but don't do anything to encourage her either. So you might put off most of her attempts to connect, but agree to meet for ONE family/holiday thing like going ice skating with the kids or to a christmas play or something where you don't have to actually interact with your wife much at all.

Then as soon as the decree is signed, that is when you tell her that you think such gatherings are confusing for the kids, and you are divorced now, and you will be dating other women, so it is time to really accept that the marriage is over and she needs to look for a new partner to do things with. Then just stick to your own boundaries, refuse to spend time talking to her about anything other than the kids etc.

btw, no text battles. She can't fight with you if you don't play. She sends something trying to provoke you, just don't answer. Or develop a mantra that says, 'i'm not going to fight with you. we need to get along for the sake of the kids so I am not going to respond to this.' And text that to her every time she tries to provoke you.

btw, she cannot legally put you out of your children's lives. Once the custody arrangements are signed off by the court, if she tries to violate them or refuses to let you see the kids, she can and will go to jail for that. So don't listen to that nonsense at all, just ignore it. And if she tries to cut you out of their lives against court orders, then just take her to court and the judge will straighten her out quickly.