suicide prevention hotline in USA suicide prevention hotline in USA
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  1. #1

    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Posts
    1

    My life is not worth living anymore

    I'm a 23-year-old medical student, who has been recently diagnosed with PTSD and serious depression. I would really appreciate if you read my story and gave me some advice regarding getting over these disturbing thoughts of killing myself. Because this is a long post, I've marked the section that has some information about my major childhood and teen-year issues with dashed lines. The more important section is the latter one, which I hope is not too long to read.

    ----
    I was born to a family, whose roots are deep in poverty and violence. My other granddad (who I've never seen, as he committed suicide by shooting himself to the head with a hunting rifle just before I was born) was a drunk and, according to everyone, very abusive and regularly beat my grandma and the kids. All this caused serious issues in my dad's side of family, which is why I never see three of my uncles (although I have 4). For example, one of those three tried to commit suicide by breaking into my grandma's house at night and torching himself and the house with grandma and me inside some 14 years ago. In court he denied knowing that we were inside, but he was still sentenced for 2 years in prison for attempted murder.

    My parents are the first ones in the family to achieve something meaningful in their lives, allowing them to get a very high standard of living. This allowed me and my little sister to be raised in a different setting and tone than they had been raised in (i.e. no poverty, no violence, no drugs and alcohol etc.).. Although I know that our parents love us and care about us, neither of them showed it much as I was a kid. Our dad was never around because he was working all the time and our mom had also a demanding job, which required her to fly abroad frequently. Thus I grew very close with my little sister, since we spent plenty of time with just the two of us. We were also raised under very strict rules, which resulted in lacking communication between us kids and our parents. We also moved numerous times due to our dad's growing business and its needs, which didn't allow the creation of very good relationships with other kids. Thus I didn't really have any close friends (except my sister) until high school.
    ----

    The past two years have been especially difficult for me. It all started when my dad was admitted to a hospital for an extended period of time due to hallucinations and paranoia. He was diagnosed with a mental illness, whose likely trigger had been overworking. Two months later my other grandma was diagnosed with advanced bone cancer and she was given a maximum of 3 years to live, and today her condition is fading fast. Around half a year later my little sister was sexually assaulted just before Christmas and the persons in responsible were never caught.

    On Christmas my girlfriend broke up with me, since she needed time to "figure herself out." According to her closest friends, I was the perfect boyfriend to her and they couldn't understand where her sudden decision came from. Even she herself admitted to me just days before the break up that she is very afraid of the fact that I'm too perfect for her. Of course I was devastated with her decision.

    In February my granddad passed away unexpectedly. During the next month my mom had a standard, low-risk operation for a tumor removal. Whilst I was visiting her afterwards in the hospital, she experienced sudden seizures and an acute heart failure. After minutes of resuscitation the heart began beating again but my mom was comatose. She woke up later during the week, but had suffered damage to her brain, and thus she e.g. didn't recognize me or my sister anymore. She spent three months in the hospital, because her heart kept failing on a regular basis and her doctors couldn't find the cause.

    In the meantime I fell hard on a bike due to epileptic seizures. If I hadn't worn a helmet, I probably wouldn't be here today. Finally, around one month ago one of my closest friends died from methanol poisoning. This was followed last week by my ex gf, who I still love very much, openly boasting at me with her new boy-toy (who also happens to be one of my to-be-colleagues) after giving me months of mixed signals.

    I started seeing a psychiatrist in January due to the stress I was feeling in my life due to these major changes. There I was diagnosed with serious depression (and later PTSD). I feel that don't have any control over my life or happiness in my life anymore. I don't have anyone to talk about my issues to except my psychiatrist, my sister (who currently lives abroad, and although we speak on the phone regularly, she rarely visits home these days), and my three closest friends. Each day for the last 6 months I've been considering more and more if I should commit suicide just to put the end to these bad feelings once and for all. My life feels like hell and is not worth living.

    Please give me advice on how to get over these disturbing thoughts about suicide. I'm afraid of committing one in the near future if my life continues like this.

  2. #2
    Silver Member symbiot's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    Newfoundland
    Age
    40
    Posts
    324
    Gender
    Male
    I was highly suicidal for about two years. I almost did it a few times. I don't believe in a Christian god so that didn't stop me. I guess I just kept dreaming of the life that was possible and that was enough to keep me going. The possibility of what could be kept the gun outta my mouth. It was the hardest thing I had ever been through until I caught the love of my life with another guy 8 mos ago.you just have to keep going. You can't come back. Life dosent last that long.just keep going. My father blew his head off 7 yrs ago on Christmas day.
    I want something good to die for to make it beautiful to live-QOTSA

    In a life of little significance something insignificant can seem very significant

  3. #3
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Posts
    17
    I have been in a similar mode of thought, so I sort of know how you feel.

    short version: only real girlfriend I've ever had broke up with me shortly before I found out that I would be going to prison, due to the incredibly just and socially beneficial drug laws that are in place in the USA (do I really need to tell you that was sarcasm?). That was a rough few years.

    And let's be honest here: no one on the internet is going to be able to type anything, or wave a magic wand, that will suddenly make the feeling go away. You need to find support from friends and family in the real world. Keep talking to a therapist.

    That said, I like to say this for what it's worth: the universe we live in is an inconceivably complex and incredible place. Regardless of your religious views (I'm not a religious person myself) the fact that we are alive to experience it is pretty amazing in itself. I think that it's worth any amount of emotional pain to experience as much of it as one can. Life doesn't always feel good, but it's always worth living.

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