Ricinus communis beans or hypothermia or Potassium chloride

Hello,

I want to know what do you think about these three acts as suicide methods:

1) Eating ricinus communis beans.

2) Hypothermia in cold weather.

3) Injecting potassium chloride.

Thanks in advance.

Awwwh noooooooooo. I HATE this kind of posts.

You know why?

Because having been where you seem to be / sounds like you are / are now, I know

THERE IS A WAY OUT !!!!!!!

I really don`t want to do such a thing like killing myself. This is only an option. I spend 4 months in one psychoanalyst. She (the doctor) really helps me to understating myself and to find the real root of my problems. But the source of the problem already stays.

Since my last birth day I began to have incredible life. But this was for 6 months only. The above mentioned acts are my backup plan. Last 4 month I tried to help myself, but the suffering and the pain are incredible.

If this was a torture I will know that there is an end of the pain...

If I am alone in my birthday - there is a very big possibility to do something wrong. I don`t want to take any pills (antidepressants). I am 26 old, and if I start now with pills... this is really stupid.

I think all three sound like horrible and painful ways to die. I really hope you decide that these are not good back up plans.

May I ask why you are against taking the pills? I took antidepressants and I was able to get my depression and suicidal feelings under control enough to stop taking them. It's really okay to use a crutch while you get better.

Give yourself a little more time to meet with the doctor. Depression is a very difficult thing to deal with, and it can take years to get it under control. I still have bad days myself.

I am against antidepressants, because a person can become dependent of them or addicted. I think I am intelligent enough and I can image what should be my life from now over. I have made a promise to my friend, that I will make one more try.

I am asking about the three methods, because if I make something, I want to be like a natural death or accident and no one to be shame of me. And of course I don`t want to survive and to live like a vegetable.

If you are worried about the shame on you for it then you shouldn't do it. Just hiding the shame doesn't make it go away and the people that would feel "shame" about your death will feel more sorrow, and guilt for not helping you. It is better to just get through this rough part in your life. I think at some point in life everyone feels the same way but you can get through it. The pills will help and yes you can become addicted to them but only if you use them more then you should. Take them for a little and start getting better then stop. Talk to someone and really don't do something that doesn't just hurt you but everyone that cares about you. Trust me when I tell you this people care about you. Why don't you tell us your problems and we can try and help you. You are only 26. My sister is 26 and is changing everything in her life so it is not to late to change to something better. She was an alcoholic and is now going to AA meetings twice a week and making friends and has a support group to fall back on when there are problems. It is never to late to be reborn again to something new. Rise up and meet this challenge instead of running away from it and killing yourself.

I am happy for your sister. I believe everything will be ok

Recently I watched the movie "Seven pounds". It begins with the words "In seven days, God created the world. And in seven seconds, I shattered mine.". In my case the words are "And in seven minutes, I shattered mine". Seven seconds, when I blow up and yelled to the person I love, my and her friends. I can not take any more the guilty and the pain.

I thought I am a good person, kind and humble. I apologized to them... but they thinks I am a nervous freak. One of the person is my good friend and room-mate. He is also a very good friend to the person I love. She hates me. Now in her eyes I am a monster and mollusk (in my country this is really big insult).

No body asked me why I did such a thing, why I blow up so hard. Even my room-mate did not support me. I have helped him a lot, and for me he is a very good friend.

I really don`t know what to do. I love her very much. I feel tremendous guilt. She missed me a lot. Four months after this, I can not forget her.

She don`t want to see me. Now she has a boyfriend. She tells so many ugly things about me...

This guilt and pain fills me completely. I became absent-minded. I am afraid to driving my car. Yesterday I almost ran into one guy. This is not good.

If some one can tell me what can I do to return their good opinion about me...

PS: I`m sorry for my English.

First talk with someone who is a professional no matter how embarrassing it may seem as I know plenty who refuse because they think it is wrong but it isn't. Second get away from her and find someone else. Sometimes it isn't meant to be and it is time to move on. Just when you think the night is at its darkest the sun begins to rise. That means right now things are bad and at this point are at the getting worse stage but it is going to get better. Once you decide it is time for you to live and live your life no matter what has happened then the others will not see you are nervous. Once you regain your confidence then others will notice it and great things will happen to you. Just keep with a positive mind set. The best thing you can do is to just stop caring about her and start caring about yourself. By opening yourself to life and freeing yourself from old wrongs you may just see the prize for this bad patch in life. Maybe it is your destiny to meet someone new and better that can bring you to the closest we can ever get to last happiness.

If some one can tell me what can I do to return their good opinion about me...

This is your problem. Your problem is not these people and their opinion of you, it's that you need for people to think such-and-such about you, and have a good opinion of you, for you to feel your life is worth living.

You can't base your desire to live or your will to live on what other people think of you. You know why? Because there will ALWAYS be someone to dislike you. To stab you in the back. To make you feel as small as a breadcrumb, whether intentionally or unintentionally. No matter how good of a person you are, there will always be someone who needs, for whatever reason, to call you a "mollusk."

And often, it is much more to do with them and the state their own mind is in than anything wrong with you. In fact, there may be nothing "wrong" with you -- except that you're human like everyone else, and sometimes will make mistakes. Should a person end their lives because the people around them have all kinds of issues? Pretty crazy, isn't it? You find people who will appreciate you for who you are instead of relying on the people who don't. And even then -- don't rely on anyone's opinion of you because unless you're really lucky to have one or two real friends (and true friends are rare), everything else is just a combination of luck and timing and people coming and going.

When you are here on this earth, you have only one choice of what to be: flawed and human. That's what everyone else is doing, and everyone has their own unique lessons to learn in the process.

Your lesson here might well be that whoever originally told you that you're not good unless you're pleasing someone else, and how you don't amount to much unless you can prove yourself worthy in their eyes is a bunch of garbage you have to throw out and instead build a picture of yourself that you carry around at all times in your mind that is not destroyed by other people. Work on this picture...paint it slowly. Add colors that you like. Don't worry about how it's going to look. Just treat it as a work of art that you are slowly creating. And it'll be YOUR picture, whether or not someone else appreciates how it looks.

And if you don't like it either? Toss it out and start on a new fresh white canvas. It's always a fresh experiment.

Every day is a chance to start a new one.

You said that for 6 months, you had an incredible life. That is just a sample of the life you can have. It's an appetizer. There is NO REASON at all that you can't experience another 6 months that are great, and add on another 6 to make a year. And then more months to that. Of course nothing will be completely a smooth ride, and it's not like "happily ever after" even when things are better -- there will always be challenges. But 6 months of feeling great is the hint of this Universe whispering in your ear that you'd be throwing away many more chances for that if you committed suicide.

You don't have long to be here. Life seems long to us because we're stuck in the small scheme of our lives. But in the larger scheme...what we have here is like a match struck and then blown out. So it's an amazing challenge to try to fit all these paintings you will paint of yourself into that short period. To take on the things you need to learn most, such as the project of not caring if someone thinks you're a mollusk or a tiger or a peacock. That's your job and no one can fire you, so don't fire yourself.

As for antidepressants, it doesn't make much sense to worry about addiction and dependency when the alternative is death. Does that make logical sense to you? If you can live a decent life, either long-term or short-term (and stop the medications), by having to use an aid, then that is a huge benefit with little cost. It doesn't sound like a smart deal to say you care about your body and whatnot, to protect it from medications and then go and take a lethal dose of some poison. So if you feel very close to your "back up plan" do the only sensible thing: take a "poison" that won't kill you but will help ease your depression so that you can think about your life more clearly, and maybe wean yourself off when you're having steady good streaks of living.

Thanks a lot for the support. I really don`t want to die. I want to have happy with good people, like everyone else. But I am afraid, that one day I will be in the same position like now. I don`t want to regret for these seven minutes whole my life. And if one day I get married, I don`t want to be mean to my wife or children, because I had bad life.

The next two months will look again at everything that happened to me, and I will make some decision.

About antidepressants - I am not sure I feel depressed. I feel small and alone. I feel very guilty and big grief...

Greetings to everyone

Greetings, jdoe. Good to see you again.

It's good for you to keep coming here when you feel low and want to talk about how you're feeling.

Do you have access to a mental health professional where you live? Because that would be another very good thing for you. Sometimes another person asking the right questions, and making you think the things through helps you to see more clearly where you are hurting yourself and where the problems came from in the first place. And then you can start to challenge or reject the messages you got that still make you feel bad.

You have a lot of emotions to sort through, but you know, emotions are only that: a set of feelings we have based on often faulty beliefs about ourselves, how life is "supposed" to be, and other people. You can feel them and accept that you feel them for the time being, but like clouds, they will shift and change and come and go. You are an ocean of emotion (ha, that rhymes! and each day the ocean is never the same. It changes day to day, hour to hour, wave by wave. And you just have to get acquainted with what causes some of the choppy waves, or the calm waves, and what brings waves that feel like you're going to drown. In therapy, you can start to piece out what beliefs and thoughts are BEHIND the grief.

Usually we have unresolved feelings that hurt us because we have come to believe some things are true and can't let go of them, even though they are untrue or you are magnifying them to a proportion that doesn't reflect the whole of your life. But you are blaming yourself and making those beliefs the center of your universe when in fact you are not the reason everything bad happens. Bad situations arise, you meet bad people, bad luck occurs, and sometimes you do something you regret too, but as I said, that comes with the province of being human.

I don't know what is behind those feelings of grief and guilt, but this is something you owe it to yourself to investigate. These are soul challenges. They are not a call to end your life.

I'm glad to hear you don't want to die! Because that's the beginning of wanting life! You have EVERY chance of finding people you can be happy with and get to know. It's okay to have some things you regret, everyone does. But you don't have to think about what you will regret someday today. Don't live in the future -- it does not exist.

Only the present. And in the present, you feel small and alone, guilty and greiving, and all of these things are very fluid in the mind once you start to believe differently about yourself and the things that caused you to feel like that. Your views can and will change, and you need to stick around for that. I feel and think very differently at 42 from how I did when I was 26. It didn't seem that would be the case at the time, but that's because I was 26, not 42. Haha. It HAS to change, that's the natural law of things. But you have a lot of emotions that are changeable and workable!

So at very least, find someone to process through all that with, someone who is professional. And I suggest medications because it's certainly better than a last resort of death. So put death on hold indefinitely and start looking for the lost and broken pieces of your life with some guidance. You can put this back together. But it will take patience and an open-ended decision to just keep coming to "work" everyday. Your life is the work.

This is a very over-used line, but I love it and especially recently I've felt it to be true more than before: "when one door closes, another opens."

I am trying to view my life that way, and it's helping. Every time you lose a thing, a person, a dream, a hope, a wish that doesn't come true, a plan...there is something that grows out of it the way dead leaves become fertilizer for a new plant that grows.

So start to view the things you've lost along the way as doors that had to close so that you would go down different roads leading you along the course of your life. It's a journey and you don't have to map this all out now and start making decisions and calculating and gambling what the outcomes will be. That will drive you insane and make you think about dying. You just have to keep working on building your inner self so that it's able to withstand what comes along, and along the way decide what it is you need to be happier than you are. What thoughts and images make you feel happy and like living?

Think of those every day, and especially when you feel like giving up -- and keep your eye on them as though they were a lighthouse in the dark night. You just aim for that and keep aiming for that. See the light, don't ask how far away it is, but keep watching it and take little steps -- a tiny goal at a time -- in that direction.

Oh, and also -- anytime you feel good by doing anything (which is safe and non-destructive), keep doing that. When you feel your ocean is calmer, ask yourself what caused the waves to get calm, whether it's something you were thinking or an activity you did. And do more of that. So things that make you feel the pleasure of life. Liking taking walks and people-watching, or lying under a tree and reading, or going to a movie and eating ice cream afterwards. Keep doing little things that make you feel good every day. Like you are a little child you're trying to comfort -- and better yet, take care of.

But again, try to get help along the way, because then you have someone to listen when your own voice doesn't feel like enough. A therapist (and you might have to try a couple to get one with the right "fit" for you) can help you even though you must do the work itself.

You will be fine. I can just tell. Because you see that life offers many things, and death offers NOTHING. Keep working.

I just had to add this because I went back and re-read what you said about seeing a psychoanalyst -- since I had forgotten you wrote that you've seen one and she helped.

Therapy can be difficult in this way, that even if you understand why you feel the way you feel, the root cause is still the same. A lot of people (including myself) can get very stuck here. In this case, I suggest you see a therapist who works in a style that will help you to do practical or mental things that challenge your painful associations. For instance, I was given the message that nothing I did was good enough when I was growing up. So sometimes I give up on things before I even start and this depresses me further because it proves they were right. And in order to counteract that, I have to set my mind on doing SOMETHING I feel fairly sure I can succeed at, even if it's very small, and then do it. So, prove to myself that the defeating thought pattern is not really as true as I thought it was. The original problem is there, yes, and it's going to be a lifelong effort, but you can start to take pieces of that original problem and use antidotes for them as they rear their ugly heads each day in the thoughts you think and how your structure your life. You sometimes have to start by doing things differently, and THEN you will start thinking differently, not the other way around.

So this is a style of therapy where you aren't just analyzing everything that happened but you are putting your car into a different gear so that you won't see it (or drive it) the same way anymore.

This is called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, in case you aren't familiar. It's not psychoanalysis, which is more like talking on the sofa as much as you need to get clarity. Therapy should also involve giving you some tools to work with what you learn about yourself. If your therapist can do that, go back to her. If she does not work like that, then seek out another who will.

I think maybe instead of going for depression maybe go to anger management. It sounds like maybe you have a temper that is harder to control later in life which is very common. I for one know I have a temper if I let it loose and sometimes it is hard to keep in check. I know that certain things just drive me crazy and it sets me off so I try to avoid those things. I also try very hard to keep my escape from the world fresh. I play violent video games a lot because it helps me deal with my anger when I just need to be violent instead of going off on someone I care about I can kill people in the game. Some times I just sit down and write random stories and that lets me escape to where I can put my anger away in a place that is directed away from those I care about. So find a hobby that brings you peace so you can live without the fear of blowing up on someone. Many don't think they have an anger problem but they just store it inside till small things set them off. Just try your best to put all of your anger into positive things instead of keeping it in till small things happen to set you off.

It looks worse when the small things set you off vs when you let the big things go like nothing is wrong. Try to find something to put that negative energy into that can really help you in a positive way.

^That is a good point. About the anger management.

And that's also where doing practical things to deal with emotions comes in. You learn skills to observe emotions and do "first aid" to turn the emotion into something less toxic.

PRACTICAL TOOLS + KNOWING YOURSELF

But also I think it's important to know what thoughts, beliefs, memories, etc. lead to being angry and sometimes it's a history of loss, fear, insecurity...fear and loss lead to anger in many cases. So those emotions might be lying under the surface of the angry outburst. It would be important to discover and understand those.

Some people naturally tend to be quicker to anger as an inborn thing, but I would not just accept that as a given.

Remember that anyone who says nasty things about you, regardless of what you've done, is not that good of a person to have back in your life anyway. You need to work on some things, yes, but that doesn't mean people who love and care should become nasty and hating. That would be their problem to work on.

Always remember: even if some other person doesn't give you a second chance -- you must give yourself a second chance. If others walk away, that is the time NOT to walk away from yourself.

In the end as I said before, we only really have ourselves to rely on. When I think of that, it makes me feel more strong instead of more alone.

I am glad, that you people caring about me. I really appreciate that.

I think I have an anger problem. I thought I was patient person, but sometimes I blow up from a little things. This happens for a short time until I realize what happens.

With my therapist we talks a lot. We make so called relaxation (something like hypnosis). I am trying to change myself, to increase my self-esteem. I go to the gym, go to work.

My problem is, what other people thinks about me. I always feel alone, even if I have someone. And this all about is because low self-esteem. Now I know, that self-esteem can be increase only by myself. I don`t need an expensive car or a beautiful woman. But the damage is done. I can`t stop thinking about these people, about the girl, that I shouted to.

After one hour I will go to my therapist. I will tell her about last Saturday. My roommate has a birthday party, where were all the people who hates me, even the ex girlfriend with her new boyfriend. There was so many malice and hatred in their eyes. I tried not to bother anyone. I danced a lot with a girl (at one moment the dances was very erotic). On the next day after the party, the ex said to my roommate that her opinion about me is under zero. She has even wondered why I have come to the party. This was like a punch to me. I did not bother her. I just tried to enjoy the music. And this was wrong.

We do not talk after we broke up. She don`t want to see me, or to hear me. She was in a hospital for a week (pneumonia). I just wanted to see if she is alright. She did not wanted me there. I just worried about her.

OK, she shows me, that she is not very good person. But I missed her. I want to hug her. I want her to see that I very sorry for my actions when I shouted to her.

I have two backup plans. One I mentioned before. The other is: if one day (in the next two months) everything is alright (if I met someone, or something like that), I think I will be a better person with more self-esteem, more good looking and with a great and perspective job.

Here is a little secret that I used to actually find the girl I will eventually marry as soon as my life gets on track enough to afford it. I stopped caring about what anyone thought. It was amazing how fast I got friends where I couldn't go to a store without someone knowing me. I found friends that helped me with my shyness with girls to actually talk to my girlfriend who I have been with for almost 3 years now. People wanted to be around me because I didn't care about any of the dumb things a lot of people do care about. I had friends from all walks of life and groups that actually wanted me to be around all the time. I suddenly went from the awkward guy that had only 4 or 5 friends to the guy that everyone wanted to have around with 100 or more friends. Don't worry about your old life friends. For today you are born again as the guy that doesn't care what others think. Self-esteem is just that self as in no one else should matter on how you think of yourself.

I use to dress how others wanted me to dress, listen to music others wanted me to, and do things that others wanted to do because I thought maybe if I just went along with the crowd then I would be happy. I could not have been more wrong. I actually thought of ending my life but I decided that instead I would just give up on being happy with their ideas and way and do my own thing. I dress how I want to dress even if it isn't in style, I listen to the music I like even if most people don't like it, and I do the things I like to do because well I like to do it. It was amazing how fast I was a different person. I have a confidence that others want to be around because I don't judge others and I bring them up in a positive way. I will defend my friends if needed and every single one of them knows that. I stopped fighting with myself and who I was and just went with it. Maybe you are so worried about what others are thinking that you are no longer yourself. If you try to hard then it gives off a desperate feel that is not fun to be around trust me I know. If you don't like rock music but love classical music then listen to classical even if everyone else likes rock music. I was amazed at how many people suddenly started to like the things I liked because I could explain why I liked things and was excited about it that others gave it a chance. I use to have to listen to rap music and dress with what was in style and go stand around the mall talking bad about people because that is what the "popular people" did. I could not have been more miserable. Then I started listening to rock, classical, and foreign music that the "popular" people hated. I started dressing more like how I liked with graphic shirts that at the time where seen as stupid. I started to do the things that where fun to me like playing my games instead of just standing around. Then I met my friend Arron who liked the same games and dressed the same way and loved the same music. From there I met another guy who liked the same thing. He introduced me to Amanda who loved all the same things and she led me to the group of friends I had never thought of ever being around. That led me to another group and another group. Then out of no where I realized how happy I was. Then instead of being around people that I hated, I was with people that actually wanted me to be around and I wanted them around. Then I moved which I thought would be the end of everything.

Nope my new found confidence in myself because I was just me and not some copy of what was seen as popular, I found friends so fast it caught me by surprise. It normally takes me months to get 4 or 5 friends if not years. But suddenly before I knew it, I had 20 to 30 friends in a matter of weeks that invited me to things that I actually wanted to do. Girls suddenly seemed to actually be interested in me more then ever before and wanted to be around me and talk with me. I had my pick of girls for once, so much so that all ones I used to like I saw for what they were. I had girls from all races, religions, economic level, and into everything from gothic to preppy. I had so many people around me that if I needed help on anything or I felt down then I had 10 people to talk to about it at any given time that I felt truly loved by the world. I had people asking me how I could have so many friends and so many girls around me. The secret to being the life of the party, the leader of a group, the confident person everyone wonders what it is that makes people just want to be around is simple. It is be yourself. What are your interests? What are things that you like to do but your friends now don't like? What kind of music do you listen to that your friends hate? You will be amazed at how fast you will find more like minded people when you are yourself then trying to fit in with people that aren't really like you. Just don't worry about those friends anymore and if they don't like you then to bad for them because it is their lose not yours. I bet you anything most of them still like you but they are following the leader of the group who doesn't like you. Once you stop caring about what others think and start being truly you, then I bet half if not more of those friends you lost will be all around you because it doesn't matter any more what that one person thought. I bet she was ready to leave you before and I am guessing she wasn't the nicest of people anyway but the "popular" choice for you was to like her and put up with it. Now that you are seeing that she isn't a nice person anymore you are seeing what everyone fears so they follow her. Stop caring about people like that and find people that want to be around you and enjoy the things you do instead of trying to fit in with people like her. You are you and even though people say there is no one else like you they are wrong. There are a lot of people like you that you will be more then happy to be around. You are on the outside of the "popular" group that you think you need to be apart of but you are wrong. You need to be part of a group that doesn't care about a one time blow up because they know you didn't really mean to blow up that big. They will want to talk with you after and will want to make it work because they like you for you and because they know you are really a nice person.

Just be you and don't care if someone likes you or not. This is about being yourself and having fun even if it isn't what the "popular" group sees as fun. They will always be there but they are nothing to you anymore because you don't need to be with them because you are about to find a world filled with people more then ready to be your friend and wants to do the same things you love to do without thinking it is weird. Once you are yourself then I bet you will find a girl that actually loves you so much that even if you yell at her that she will forgive you and still want to be with you. Trust me I have yelled at friends and my girlfriend for things that were small but they understood that I bottle things up so sometimes I blow up on the wrong thing. I have actually had friends that stood there while I yelled at them and then they just started laughing because it was so unlike me. Just be you and you will have a great life. Stop caring what anyone thinks and only care about what you think about yourself.

wolfwithin, you are right.

The truth is that I lost myself for this girl. I wanted to be with her 24/7. I stopped meeting friends, stopped calling my sister. She (the ex) was the one. She was the reason for everything I do or think. Every time I was looking for her approval, and I was getting only indifference.

When our relation starts, I really was myself. Now I am trying to find myself. It will be very difficult to me to stop caring what other people thinks about me. My therapist gaves me a task - every day to do something crazy, within the normal. This is like a challenge for me, because I always was trying to fit in norms.

I really hope that someday you will laugh at what you've written so far

Thank you again guys

See there you go. I can already see a positive attitude that you are gaining. I think that soon you will start having good things happen. Keep us up to date with your progress. Maybe come in and help others who are in the same situation it helps to know that your words can help others. I know that when I am down or having a bad day then I like to come on here and help at the very least one person. I am happy that your post was one that I picked when I was down because every update you that shows that you are turning around towards living it makes me smile. So thank you for picking to live and make yourself a better person.

Hello again guys.

I want to ask for an advice. As I said, my roommate is a very good friend to my ex. They go out often (disco, coffee). The whole company goes out a lot and I feel terrible when I stay home alone. It is not an anger. I just feel sorry about myself. I have headache, my heart start to beat very fast. I really don`t know how to handle with this situation.

If everything goes that way... I just don`t know.

Well number 1 work on fixing your other problems before trying to fix things. Second keep away from your ex as it will help you out more then hanging out at the same places. Third get out alone and meet some new people. No where does it say that you need to bring anyone with you to do something. I know more stories of people meeting their husband or wife when they were alone then when they were with friends. When they go out for coffee then why don't you go to the bookstore and maybe get a book to read to just relax. Get a new hobby don't just sit around alone doing nothing. If you are always home then you can't meet anyone new. Same with going to the same places you have always gone to with your roommate and old friends. If it is all the same people how can you meet new ones.

Right now the best thing you can do is find out who you are and not what you have not done because of the group. I know once you get in those groups that no matter how much everyone says it but you change to fit with them. That is fine but when the group leader doesn't like a member then everyone will follow even if they don't agree. It is the same as in high school and you are the 215 pound short awkward kid and the main popular person doesn't like you. It is amazing how fast everyone hates you but if you ask why they have no idea. Then suddenly when you stop caring and get that good aura around you how fast the people that use to hate you suddenly are your best friends. That is why you need to just stop worrying about the old group and worry more about yourself. They will always be there and some will never come back in your circle of friends but that is ok. Some will come back but only if you don't worry about it so much.

Your old life is just that old and gone. Now it is time for your much better and cooler new life. You are no longer jdoe 1.0, no now you are the super cool jdoe 2.0 with a better attitude, more confidence, a better personality, and soon everyone will see it and want to be with the new and improved jdoe 2.0. Nothing was wrong with jdoe 1.0 but after awhile it had some hiccups that everyone sees as a problem now. But with jdoe 2.0 all of those problems are fixed and with the all new good confidence feature that just makes people want to be around you. That is how you have to see yourself. Sure some will see the same jdoe and never give the new one a chance but that is ok, they are missing out. It is their lose not yours. Heck why even care if a little yelling can make them not like you anymore then they don't deserve to be around the cool new you with your soon to be newer cooler friends that care. Ha they are going to be so jealous soon when you are having more fun then ever with all the new people you will meet when you truly take to the idea that you are not your old self but something even better. Your old life is gone and now it is time for you to rise up and take the new one by storm.

Well guys, I can`t take it any more. I think I made the decision. I just received ricinus communis beans. I think 15 beans will do the job. It will be painful, but the pain that I feel since 5 months is bigger.

I will do it in the end of December. I haven`t told anyone about this. But that is for the best...

Thank you for trying to help me.

I wish you a happy life.

jdoe (wave)

Hi jdoe...I'm sorry you're feeling so bad again.

I didn't have much to add to what wolfwithin said last time -- he did a great job of telling you what I think you need to focus on now.

But you have to remember these kinds of changes, which took MANY YEARS OF BAD SELF-ESTEEM TO GET TO, do not happen overnight. It took you years to get to feeling the way you do about yourself, to need constant approval and to feel that the world turns because of what other people do and think and say about you. And you need patience with yourself now. I sense that this is hard for you if you have a bit of a temper. But you need to be patient with yourself.

Look back at what you said here:

The truth is that I lost myself for this girl. I wanted to be with her 24/7. I stopped meeting friends, stopped calling my sister. She (the ex) was the one. She was the reason for everything I do or think. Every time I was looking for her approval, and I was getting only indifference.

When our relation starts, I really was myself. Now I am trying to find myself. It will be very difficult to me to stop caring what other people thinks about me. My therapist gaves me a task - every day to do something crazy, within the normal. This is like a challenge for me, because I always was trying to fit in norms.

So you "lost yourself." That means now you need to find yourself again.

You can see here that you have work to do! Who is going to do that work...except YOU?

You have many things that are getting in the way of your seeing yourself and your life in a truthful light.

May I ask how old you are? Because I can tell you something with certainty: when you get to an age like mine, you realize that 5 months goes by like a day or two. I know you are in pain and I'm not going to tell you it doesn't hurt -- but your life in the last 5 months, and all the people in it, are like one sandgrain in the beach of your life.

You have a task and that is what we have talked about. Your life can't spin on the axis of what others think about you and how they judge you. We all have to deal with people who reject us or don't love us as much as we thought. I've been there, and it it's VERY PAINFUL. But I have survived it and found other people, just the way wolf has. Look around at this forum at all the people whose hearts have been broken by circumstances but then new things came their way eventually. EVENTUALLY -- you cannot force life to suddenly change in order to show you. You have to consider that apples don't sudden ripen when you ask them to -- they ripen when they are done with the process of ripening. Your situation not only can change but will change. But you have to commit yourself to this and work at it.

You have to say, "My life is important, as important as theirs. I am as important as they are." And in fact the funny thing about it is that no one is more important than anyone else.

I want you to think about something. Your self-esteem is a series of thoughts. A bunch of thoughts. They are like waves in the ocean. And when someone hurts you, the waves start to thunder and crash about in a storm. When other people approve of you, the ocean gets calm again and you say, "Now I'm okay." So other people are like god to you. They have total control -- they have the control and power over you to create a storm within your mind, or a calm sea.

And because they have this power, you want to kill yourself. You are going to kill yourself over a stream of thoughts...that change as quickly as the waves. Waves come and go. Thoughts come and go. Today you feel happy that you have a girlfriend, or got some more money working. Tomorrow you feel bad because you have no girlfriend and you are looking for a job. Do you see how life is just flowing like waves in your mind and that nothing is permanent?

So then -- it is ridiculous to do something permanent due to things that are constantly changing.

Just around the corner there are more waves and ups and downs and it is YOUR JOB to be able to have a center inside yourself that does not depend on other people (or events even) to determine this outcome. This outcome is YOURS, not THEIRS. They should not have the power to call up a storm or a calm sea or to part the sea or close the sea or make it night or make it day in your world. Can you see how dying over that kind of imbalanced world is a terrible mistake?

And I used to struggle with what you do. In fact, I still do. You never stop learning new ways your mind will trick you into feeling you need a certain person or certain people, or things to go right. The fact of the matter is that everything that goes wrong is a teacher to you on the path of where you must learn and grow. Life is a teacher, this pain is teaching you what to pay attention to so that one day you will be free -- and alive.

You only need yourself, jdoe. That is the truth. And the outer waves should be able to churn around you but that center stays calm and prepared, like a lighthouse.

You need to own your mind, and not let anyone else determine your reason for living or dying. Do you not see how silly that really is? When you break it down?

Once you understand this, you have to remind yourself as often as you have to, when you feel like ending it, that this is what your goal is. That you can't just keep throwing up your hands and saying, "I give up" when you have all this work to do. And take it from someone farther down the line than you: it DOES come after a while. But it takes practice and practice and practice and practice.

And in the meantime, what are you doing for yourself that does not rely on others? Are you going out by yourself and trying hobbies or things that interest you, like wolf said? You need to find activities to occupy your mind so that these people and the pain they've caused you get smaller and smaller and more insignificant in your life. The brain is funny like that -- you need to keep giving it new stuff to play with, or else it just keeps rewinding the old stuff like a bad video. Your brain needs new input.

So you need to get out of your apartment BY YOURSELF more often. You need to perhaps find somewhere to volunteer so that you are working with people or animals or on projects to get your mind off your own misery. A lot of times, this kind of unhappiness is treated best by stepping out of that closed room without air that your mind is being polluted by. Stop suffocating in the thoughts by experimenting with other activities that stimulate you, where you don't need the approval of the people who hurt you in your personal life.

Your therapist should be able to help give you suggestions for things like this. Don't just talk about how you feel with her -- ask her how you can spend your time so that you shrink the importance of these people and last 5 months. The things that used to matter to me in a desperate way even a couple of years ago don't now. YOU NEED PERSPECTIVE, and you simply don't have it now.

Tell yourself every day, "I don't have perspective and until I have a proper perspective, I will put this 'final solution' out of my mind." It's rash, it's tunnel-vision, it's without seeing the forest, only the trees.

And how is it going with your therapist?

Have you told her that you are feeling suicidal? Because I think it's time you should if you haven't. She needs to know this. I have told therapists this, and they didn't throw me in a hospital, they just much more closely monitored me and in a few cases, I signed a pact with them not to do it.

You need to tell her this now.

I am 26. Yes maybe I am too young, and I haven`t see all from the life. But I have tears every night. I can`t spend 2-3 years to "work" on me. And after that one other girl/woman to do the same with me. Or the worst - I will get married, I will hate my life for all the things I did not do, and my family will be unhappy... I don`t want to make someone miserable...

Yes, you're very, very young. And I can tell you as someone who has been where you are (for many other reasons as well), that if you give yourself Time, you will look back on this -- as you suggested to another poster -- and think, "What was I thinking? Life is so different now. I was a fool then."

You will never be able to experience that if you are dead.

You are very afraid of "what if" all the bad things. I ask you this: "what if" the good things??

WHAT IF good things lie ahead for you?

Or the worst - I will get married, I will hate my life for all the things I did not do, and my family will be unhappy...

1. What things do you want to do? To achieve? What are your dreams jdoe?

2. Do you think your family will be unhappy if they find out you are dead? Which will make them most unhappy -- your not meeting a few hopes they have for you, or your being dead?

I haven`t any dreams. I just want to be happy. But I am sure, that one day I will be in the same position like now. I don`t feel depressed. I am realist. I'm afraid that I am going crazy anymore. I can`t wait to December. I want to do it now. But I will wait at least one week, because this weekend I will see my mother. I haven`t see her from six months. I start to take some antidepressants...

I am a little scary of the pain because of the beans. And if I survive? It is possible after that I don`t to want to die. And if I have some organ damages - this will be terrible.

I want to looks like natural death. I don`t want my family to know that I had commit suicide. Maybe a few people will know that.

It is ugly to know, that the people whom make me unhappy and whom I because of them I want to die, will not realize why I did it. And if they realize it - they will forget me very soon. I am sorry for my mother. She will be devastated. But if I don`t do it - I will be crazy after 2 months and again - I will be burden for her. That`s why I think this is for the best. I want to make it ends, before it gets harder for everyone. It is time to go where I belong.

I am glad I med so good people here.

Once again - Thanks a lot