I'm just too tired to go on
I'm writing this because I guess I'm just tired of keeping it to myself and I want to see what people think of it, and what better audience is there than the internet? If you haven't figured it out yet, I'm talking about killing myself. I'm not some melodramatic kid who's pissed off at the world, I just don't see the point in going on anymore. Everyday I wake up tired and have to pull myself out of bed to start a pointless day that always ends with me wondering why I haven't grown the balls to finally pull the trigger on myself. I have no friends anymore and I live with my parents who I know love me, but frankly expect me to be this prodigal son who's great at everything. I'm going to a community college and I'm failing two of the four classes I'm taking, I don't have a job, the only girl I ever really liked as an adult treats me like I'm an object for her amusement, and I'm finding it harder and harder to even pretend like I'm normal for the sake of the people around me. Some prodigal son right? I'm not sure when I started feeling like this, but I know that I just don't feel anything anymore except for depression and rage. It's like everything that made me happy just doesn't anymore, I don't have anything to live for. I tried killing myself once before, but due to a weird computer glitch my suicide note didn't go out and I didn't want to just vanish on my family. Divine intervention? Or maybe satan just wants to screw with me for a while longer. Or maybe it was really just a glitch. I used to cry when I thought about killing myself, but now the idea of it energizes me because at least I'm taking a step in a direction, even if many think it's the wrong way. I would have tried again sooner, but awhile ago my dad's best friend killed himself and I couldn't have gone through with it so close to that. I sincerely hope there is not a god, because if there is and it tried to teach me something about suicide by making my dad's friend kill himself or at the very least allowing it, then that's not a god I would want to be a part of, I'd rather burn. Even though I have plenty of problems with my folks, I love them and I don't want to hurt them, but I'm just hurting them by staying around here and I can't take their demands of me anymore. I'm a loser, and it would just be better if I went away forever. If anyone has any suggestions on how to leave them without it killing them, please post away. If you somehow feel compeled to try and save me by telling me that I'm worth something and that it'll get better soon, don't bother posting.
What you're asking for is not something the people on this site can offer. We can offer support and guidance, at the very least an ear to vent to and a shoulder to cry on.
I think, if you're a religious person, I'd take the intervention as a sign from God, and I'd remind you it's a sin to take your own life. If you believe these terrible things are related to Satan then why would you put yourself forward for an eternity with him?
So tell us...
What's wrong and how can we help?
"You act as though you haven't seen trees bow to an unborn child before?"
I appreciate what you are asking of us but - really you have signalled yourself that there is no such answer, otherwise you wouldnt have been bothered about killing yourself so close to your Dad's friend's death. If you really want us to say that waiting a certain amount of time will mean it's bearable, as though bereavement in measured doses is ok, I'm afraid I can't reassure you on that, having been in a position where I dealt with lots of bereaved people.
Your first choice is therefore, who matters more to you, yourself or them? And which matters more, your death or their broken hearts?
Only you can answer that. I don't know where you're at (though I will gladly hear you out) so I can't make those calls.
btw do you mean 'prodigal' (someone who's done terrible things and returned home) or do you mean 'prodigy' and that you feel you've failed everyone's expectations including your own?
It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare, It is because we do not dare that they are difficult. (Seneca)
Oh, sweetie...I read this and my heart went out to you. First of all, I am a professor and there is absolutely no shame in community college, and no shame in failing a couple of classes...it happens to the best students sometimes if they are struggling with depression. I have 27 students, and two are in that position now. You have no idea how common your situation is, because you can't see all the students and because people obviously keep these things private.
Originally Posted by Main Offender
You say that you have to pretend like you are normal--you sound quite normal to me, just going through a tough time and feeling down.
I know right now all of this seems like your whole world, but do trust me--if you keep on, in five years you will barely remember the things that seem overwhelming now. As to the girl, all of us have faced mistreatment by someone who liked us; you aren't alone there either. Check out the rest of the forums here.
Talk to them about your feelings. Do you genuinely believe they would be less hurt if you killed yourself? You know in your heart the answer is no. They are flawed, because all people are flawed. But they are loving you and trying to motivate you the best way they know how. Forgive them if they are not perfect.
Even though I have plenty of problems with my folks, I love them and I don't want to hurt them, but I'm just hurting them by staying around here and I can't take their demands of me anymore.
No; you are intelligent and thoughtful, and sensitive. A loser does not write this coherently.
I'm a loser, and it would just be better if I went away forever.
You can't. Most likely there would never be a moment in the rest of their lives that they did not remember you, and miss you, and ache, and blame themselves. If you take your own life, you have face the reality that you are going to tear other peoples' lives apart, that they will likely never recover, and there is no way around it.
If anyone has any suggestions on how to leave them without it killing them, please post away.
And that is a large part of what keeps people around when sometimes it would be easier to end it all. What keeps us around dealing with loser ex'es, financial problems, troubles in school, sucky jobs, etc. when it would be so much easier to pull the trigger? It is that we owe something to, and have some responsibility, to the people who love us.
I am going to disrespect your wishes, because I am compelled to speak the truth. You are worth something, because every human being is worth something. I won't promise you it will get better soon. It will be a tough road.
If you somehow feel compeled to try and save me by telling me that I'm worth something and that it'll get better soon, don't bother posting.
But I will say that depression is treatable. And I promise you that if you keep at it, and get help, and work on the things that are getting you down, eventually you will be past them and you will be stronger. And that one day when you have regained your strength, things like failing a couple of classes, or some dumb girl, will seem like blips, and you will shudder and think to yourself "thank God I didn't end it back then."
I know my boyfriend thinks that. He was where you are once; tired and down. His father abandoned him, his mother died after a stint in a mental hospital, he had heart trouble, he spent years living in a house without electricity or running water, and was flunking out of college. Somehow--and with the help of antidepressants--the man clawed his way back up to the light. Fast forward ten years. He is in his dream job, owns a house, has a not-too-shabby girlfriend (me!) who adores him, and I do believe he is happy. What an awful thing if he had offed himself back then; if nothing else, I would not have had him in my life.
Anyway, at the end of the day, your life is your life, and we here can only support you, not tell you what to do with it. The problem with pulling the trigger, as you know, is that it is irreversible.
Whatever you decide, all my love and good wishes.
Look, I want you to read what I am typing right now.
Man, at least you can acknowledge it. That is the first step to ending your problems. I understand, I can feel your pain as I read what you type. I'm 18 years old and I have been through what you have 5 times over since my parents divorced.
You only have 1 life to live. Do not let people get the better of you. Take a look at what you typed. Don't you notice that your problems are all with other people? Going from here, you should realize that it is in your power to deal with it in the correct way, or the wrong way.
You say you are living with your parents. Well, that is a chance to save up money and fix your base up before you get on your own. All the people who are wronging you whatsoever, including the girl you were referring to, cut them off immediately. Life is too short for people like that.
You say you are failing two classes. Well, I was failing all four classes until I got a tutor and things turned around for me. You should do the same man.
Do not let the world win. You chose to type this topic up, you can choose to take your life BACK. The power is in your hands to save up money, successfully pass school, <> all the people who are emotionally wronging you and move on with your life. Everything is temporary, and it's time you understand that, take charge and boot those people out who are emotionally stressing you.
As for your parents, when they want you to be a prodigal son, and they say things like that, ignore them. You decide what you will be, not your parents.
Good luck man. I hope you can keep us updated from time to time.
Last edited by avman; 05-10-2010 at 08:23 AM.
Sorry for the profanity, I just wanted to help make my point.
No matter how,why,when you do it,
It will hurt the ones around you, your parents are going to feel like there was something they should have seen or done to help you. They will blame theirselves because thats what parents do. They love you with everything they have.
When you have people around you that love and respect you, why not reach out to them and let them into whats going on with you. You may be suprised at what you can feel and do when you stop trying to die and start living again.
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