Hobbies, personal spending and relationships

Now this is an issue that has cropped up in both of my marriages. We all agree that in today's relationships, you both expect a bit of space to see friends, go to the gym, etc, etc.

OK, you get married and/or buy a house together. Not only is money tight but there's a lot of chores to be done. Does it then become right to restrict each other's external interests?

Then come kids. Both time and money become extremely restricted. Is it right to expect yourself and your partner to cease all activity that is expensive or time-consuming? Should you expect to give up fags, booze and weed in order to meet your financial outgoings without building up debts?

If you try to work out a budget that includes a reasonable level of personal spending before committing to mortgages and/or kids, it is almost inevitable that somehow you'll have undercalculated and things will cost much more than you imagine.

Could this issues even become dealbreakers?

Come to live in East Europe and than complain - here you have to be carefull how much you heat your own appartment, or are you going to buy the most expencive jar of marmalade or the cheapest one!

That's sacrifice - when you go in debt just to buy stuff for your kid for school - books etc

Hi

I think tolerance is the key word.

Both of you need to tolerate on spending on your own interest.

After all, both of you get into this financial trap together, so try to solve it together.

If both of you couldn't solve it, get external help like a qualified financial planner.

I'm not starting any "we're worse off than you" wars but many people in the so-called richer countries are quite heavily in debt, so the sort of things you describe are quite common. What also happens, which I find hard to understand, is that many people continue to smoke cigarettes and weed, even when they have a mountain of debt and are in danger of losing the house. Many people would say that it their right but I consider it selfish.

Truthfully, it is one of the main reasons I am hesitant to marry and haven't married as of yet.

Sharing an apartment is trouble enough. Sharing a pet and not getting down each other's throats regarding who-does-what-and-how-soon-it-has-to-be-done.

I don't think there are any easy answers. And because each couple has their own unique circumstances, expectations, styles and abilities in communicating...I just see it as a lot of work.

I've always tried to remain financially independent from a partner. I think once you pool the majority of resources communially - which often happens when people get married and buy a house together, raise kids - well, you just gotten sling it out together and comprimise.

Keeping some separate funds and personal time - always.

It makes me shudder to think how many walk into a marriage as a 'dependent' party or who put themselves in that position through choice. That just seems like poor management to me.

Choosing a marriage partner is filled with intense weight. I don't know what to say.

We don't have any separate money, as what we pool communally doesn't cover our outgoings. I'm not asking for sympathy here, as I know it's quite common.

I think you should cut costs and each have separate bank accounts! It doesn't have to be a big sum in there...just a little...

I mean, if all money is 'shared', how do you come to the decision of what you can or can not buy in a given moment?

Do you consult for a coffee, to repair the car, a big screen tv...y'know?

Wondering if yall hammered out all those details? Or is it that there is simply disputes and the lines are shifting all the time?

I've got questions but not answers. Sorry, but I think this is excellent post subject anyhow. Maybe some of the married folks will weigh in here.

Using us as an example, in order to cut our expenses so we had some pocket money, we'd actually have to give up owning our house and rent one room. We got into this mess by bad luck and bad judgement. Suffice to say, neither of our expectations regarding standard of living are anywhere near being met. The rules have had to shift along with our circumstances. For example, one stroke of bad luck is that my wife and I are both on restricted diets and have had to cut down things that fill us up for little money.

Yes, we have had rows. Once my wife decided to start smoking without any discussion as to what I thought about it. I retaliated buy saying if she spent $x on cigarettes, I was entitled to spend the same on something for myself, maybe not the wisest thing to do but at least I've returned the money to the account by income from my writing.

I'm also fairly sure that my brother and sister-in-law have used their partner's extravagances as ammunition to justify their own on several occasions.

Although it's now sometimes seen as an old cliche, there are still many people today worldwide who drink or smoke their family into poverty.

This is a situation I think a lot of couples end up having to confront at least once, if not several times. It really is VERY important to find a balance, and a workable solution you both can agree too and live with. Big disparities or resentments over the financial habits and differences tend to lead to big rifts within the relationship itself. "Money" is one of the biggest causes of divorce - not how much or little you have, but how you save and spend it, and differences in that saving and spending between partners.

My boyfriend and I both have some more expensive hobbies, in terms of not just finances, but time...mountain biking is NOT cheap

We also just bought a house in the spring, and I left my full time job and went back to school into an expensive program (which I am funding via student loans). So, needless to say money is rather tight.

While we share house expenses, we have our own separate savings. However, that does not mean that we do not discuss big expenses. For me, it is about priorities as to what I spend on, I tend to make rare large purchases, compared to frequent small ones. My boyfriend got a little upset with me when I bought a treadmill a few months ago (I also do a lot of running, and since I train early morning it is dangerous to run here in the winter on the ice and snow, in the dark at 5:00 am in -30C temperatures!). And I really should of let him know, so that was my mistake, I am used to after YEARS of living on my own spending what I want and know I can!

But, the thing is I really don't spend it on other things...I don't buy new clothes (have not in three or four years anyway!), I don't go out drinking as many of my classmates do and spend a lot, I still work part-time, I drive an old small car that is good on gas, etc. So I knew what I could afford, and I knew what I wanted to make my life a bit easier on me over the school year! I explained that and all was well

On the other hand, he has more "extra income" so will spend it on things more; but he also is the one that spends the money on repairs for the house and such too.

Neither of us smoke, or drink more than the occasional social drink, and we both tend to invest in our athletic hobbies (me on bike parts and running stuff, him on bike parts, and adventure races and gear; together we go on trips that involve those hobbies and split costs, etc). We found something that works for us, and while we remain financially independent, also know that in the end, it still affects us as a joint couple if we do not spend wisely in terms of future plans (like trips, retirement, weddings, paying off the house sooner, etc) so do now discuss with one another those major purchases beforehand, and really go without a lot of thing that would be NICE to haves, but are not NEED to haves.

As for the time thing - we work with what we have. Unfortunately I put less time into chores admittedly right now due to my hectic schedule but I contribute what I can; like doing the errands on the way home from school, the laundry while I study. I still do my training but I do it EARLY in the morning (5 am!) so as to not use up more time that I could use for things like that on top of school, studying and working. The training is important, but I also know the relationship is and all facets of it are, so I work with that to make it work. When there are kids involved, you certainly cannot expect to not work something out with your partner and go whenever you want to at whatever time - again you have to work out together an agreeable compromise that gives you both time and space.

That's a very interesting reply, RayKay.

The fact that you are (both) able to sustain your commitments and hobbies is either good planning, good luck or both. One factor that doesn't help us (and millions of people worldwide) is that where we live (SW England) the cost of living is high and salaries are relatively low. We're stuck with it for a while (at least) due to our daughter's education.

Retiring abroad (possibly Chile) could be on but if our daughter stays in England and has a family, I don't think even my wife would want to return to her home country.

Ah yes, I am lucky to live somewhere salaries are low, and so is cost of living We actually live in quite a "poor city" in the middle of an agricultural province.

That does help with the fact we could afford a house. But, tuition, and gadgets and utilities are still pricey!

I think it a combo of good time management, planning, both knowing when we met one another these were important parts of our lives, respecting one anothers need for these and so on. I do have friends whom participate in the same hobbies, and have partners whom are much less understanding, so we are blessed really!

It does not mean there are not sacrifices elsewhere....we don't go on exotic trips like some of our friends do, and don't drive fancy cars, rarely eat out...and we just do it.

I think it a combo of good time management, planning, both knowing when we met one another these were important parts of our lives, respecting one anothers need for these and so on. I do have friends whom participate in the same hobbies, and have partners whom are much less understanding, so we are blessed really!

 

It does not mean there are not sacrifices elsewhere....we don't go on exotic trips like some of our friends do, and don't drive fancy cars, rarely eat out...and we just do it.

Hi

RayKay good for you.

Today, a pastor told us that at one definining time, what ever decision you make on whether choice of partner, career, life style, family condition and etc will affect your future life. Which I totally agree.

This week I feel suffocated because I had accompany my sister, who suffer schizophrenia, to places she want to go. And fetch my grandmother to visit relatives. Now, I really need some personal time, though my sister want to go to book store later. I asked my brother to bring her there.

I believe with one of family member suffering from any illness, all of the members have to cooperate to take part to help out. If the responsibility was fully taken by one person, she or he would experience some serious burnt out.

Luckily, I am currently single and not attached to anyone anymore. I am still able to change my life. Family obligation seems so big, I think I wouldn't want to get marry so soon. I want to experience more life before get tied down. And plan my finance wisely.