Help -- Need advice about conflict

There's a situation at my workplace that has gotten me a bit emotional, and I'm not sure if I'm handling it right. Can you guys give me feedback and advice?

I work collaboratively on a team. A co-worker (Joe) and I needed to come up with a solution to a problem. So last week, we came up with an idea, but he said, "I don't think anyone could make that work." I said, "Well, we don't know if we don't try, so I'll ask Fred for help."

Joe wasn't satisfied with that, so he came up with his own solution. I'm okay with trying out multiple solutions, so I let him do his own thing.

On Friday, I overheard Joe talking with Fred, and I am not entirely sure, but I suspect that Joe was telling Fred NOT to work on the first idea. If Joe did this, then he completely went behind my back AND he lied to Fred. This is completely unacceptable to me.

I want to be prepared if the sh*t does hit the fan. I am planning to ask Fred either Monday or Tuesday about the status of the project. If Fred says, "Oh, Joe told me not to work on it" then I will confront Joe.

This is what I would say: "Joe, I'm really disappointed to hear you went behind my back and told Fred to stop working on the idea. I think that's really disrespectful of you. I want to work as a team, but on my team, members talk directly with one another if there's a disagreement. I'd appreciate it if you would do so in the future."

I'm really not big on conflict (basically, I usually avoid it), but I need to mark out my boundaries at work, or else Joe and everyone else will walk all over me.

Does what I plan to say sound like it would be effective? Would you change it at all? I really want to be prepared because if I'm not, I'm probably going to end up shouting obscenities at him. Thanks!

Conflict sucks, first of all. But regrettably, humanity seems to thrive on it. It's a necessary evil.

If "Joe" did go behind your back and told "Fred" not to follow your suggestion, then he's holding back the project, and THAT is unacceptable. You're gonna suffer in the long run for this, even if the project is a success despite "Joe's" hinderances. You have to step up and do/say something, or you're gonna be stepped on. I remember being bullied in elementary school. Believe me, you'll regret it if you don't step up. (Boy, do I ever regret not popping that guy right in the shnoz. Huh? Sorry, got sidetracked there).

What you wrote sounds fine. I'd probably be a little more angry about it myself, but that's just me. Yeah. But hey, whatever works for you. But remember, this whole thing is hanging on that "if". IF this is just a misunderstanding, then... Uh... Just keep doing what you're doing.... I guess....

I can't help but feel there might be some existing underlying friction between you and "Joe?"

The antidote to dealing with back stabbers is to avoid the drama and going down to their level...

Joe is making a struggle for power. Instead of getting rattled by this be excellent and focus on the task at hand...you still don't know if he said something to Fred or not...you are playing his game...reacting to him...you must play your game...Joe will reveal himself to others soon...by you staying above the fray long term you will get respect and Joe will not be trusted...trust me if he pissed you off like that eventually he will piss off others...as far as you marking your territory if you feel you must then do so...but better to allow those you mistrust to not feel as if they are being attacked by you...they will let their guard down and may need you and then at that pivotal moment is when you unsheath your blade...

Ummmm... That seems a little devious. I can't really tell if you're being sarcastic here or not,, JJ?

Not sarcastic at all. Devious? How? By telling her to focus and be excellent? By tellilng her to stay above the fray?By allowing Joe to implode?...no you meant the part at the end of course...well its not for everyone...but he is a snake in the grass...how's Disneyland?

Thanks, you guys. It's really helpful to get your feedback. Yeah, Mac, as I read back what I wrote earlier, I'm like ... dang, I should sound way more p.o.'ed!! It's certainly how I feel. I just don't want to say something I'd regret later, since I have to work with this guy, and everyone else, after this project is over. But yeah, I am tempted to put some choice words in there!!!

I hear what you're saying too, JJ. I totally don't want to stoop to his level. That's one thing I've been trying to learn in life -- how to NOT react to others, but rather learn what my own game is and play it. (It's a hard habit to break.)

I liked what you said about holding back the project, instead of holding back "me." If I make this personal, it gets personal, and then I'm open to gossip and politics. But if I make this about the project, then I don't cause an all-out war by yelling at him for what he did, which he'd hold against me. I don't want to burn bridges. I DO want it clear that he shouldn't mess with me, though. [-X

About the underlying friction, Mac, well ... "Joe" hasn't been the easiest person to work. He's basically high-maintenance, and I don't always have the time or desire to pay attention to him. ...He's not someone I'd voluntarily hang out with after work, let's put it that way. But he's someone I HAVE to work with. So I need to figure out how to handle him.

So I guess we'll see what happens when I get to work tomorrow... Thanks again!

Okay, working with people is difficult. They can become unruly. When people chain up like that, a neutral position is sometyimes the best. Remember that ideas cannot be implemented until people agree. Was it a reasonable idea? why did the fellow workers reject it?

Hi Chinooka. I think it was a reasonable idea. Joe said he thought no one can do it, but Fred thought it would work just fine. I actually think Joe wants credit for the solution -- he doesn't want anyone else involved. As far as I can tell, it's an ego thing for him. I'd rather explore ideas rather than eliminate them before even trying them.

So this is what happened. I talked to Fred, and as I suspected, he was no longer working on the project. What happened was that Joe showed him his solution, and Fred thought "oh, okay." (Fred is very easy going.) Of course, no one told me. Rather than make a big stink out of it, I simply asked Fred to continue working on the project anyway; we may be able to use both ideas. He said he would.

As I have thought about this more, I've decided it doesn't benefit me at this point to make a big deal out of Joe's actions. However, I'm still pretty mad about it, because I feel boxed in. Only thing is, I'm afraid if were to say something now, it would backfire. at the same time, I don't want him to think he can pull this again -- getting people to rally to his side so that he "wins."

I do believe completely that Joe has been devious, mostly out of self-interest. If you have any suggestions of how I can act from here on out with Joe, I'd appreciate it. I'm mostly going to try to not work with him again. This week, I have pretty much limited my contact with him. Still, it feels awkward.