Life didn't prepare me for this....

[JEZAUS]

Hi everyone, i've just discovered this site, and it's a great feeling to know that i'm not the first to feel absolutely crap over a break up.

Okay, a bit of background, i'm 23 and she's 22. We both finished university last year, whilst i got a job straight away, knowing what i wanted to do, she had no idea what to do with her life and is still stuck in a dead end job as a bartender. This was my first real serious relationship and it lasted about three and a half years. When we were good, we were the best. We saw each other every day and night. Not because i was ' * * * * * whipped', but because i wanted to be with her always. There was a lot of love. I wanted to marry this girl, and i'm not the type to give my love away easily. I didn't need to have anyone else to compare. This however was never brought up between us.

She had been in an 18 month relationship before me, in which we started going out straight after she ended that previous one. I'm sure from talking and knowing her that she was completely over it 6 months before she actually ended it.

Since the start of the year, things were not as peachy as they were usually. Less affection from her, more distant and overall not as much communication. She seemed unhappy. One night i finally bit the bullet and asked her when we were lying in bed 'are you happy', and she replied 'i don't know, i feel lost'. Subsequently we went on a bit of a break that lasted about a week to give her time to give her some alone time. She sent me a message saying she still loved me and she would call soon. We met up and she said that she had been miserable without me. I thought this was a good time to bring up how i really felt about our future together so i asked her where she saw us further down the track. She said she would have liked to have seen us travel more, etc. , and i replied, i see us getting married with kids when the time is right further down the track. She turned around and said 'how can you say that when you have nothing to compare to?' I told her i loved her and i didn't need anyone else. I loved her and that was the end of story, i wanted to be with her always. After hearing this response, i was shattered. I was in shock. I told her i didn't know how we could keep going on. But she convinced me that we had too much potential to give up now and we needed to put in more effort to make the relationship work. So, we got back together. Things were good for a bit, she told me that she DID love me and i believed her. About 2 weeks later, she ended it. She started crying one day at home together and said she didn't love me like she used to and she wanted to break up even thought the thought of it made her sick. She said she felt so vulnerable without me. That was about two months ago. I still love her, she was my first and i will always care about her. I guess she's a major contributor to who i am today.

Sorry for this being so long winded, i just thought it would be good to have background before i ask the question.

My question is;

1) Did she break up with me because she needs time alone to figure herself out and what she wants?

2) Plain and simple doesn't love me anymore?

3) Doesn't know what she wants, and thereforeeee doesn't want what she has?

4) What should i do?

I can't believe something so good in life can end so suddenly. It's cruel. But i have no resentment, she can't help the way she feels. Alls i want is a better understanding to learn from this experience...Can anyone help?

[Jason1080]

Heres my insight:

1) Looks like space is what she wants right now, give it to her. Let her clear her head before you two do anything to each other.

2) I dont believe anybody falls out of love, they just dont want to try anymore and are afraid of commitment. I dont think this is the situation in your case.

3)I dont really get what your question is, but i DO think she doesnt know what she wants. But I dont see how that leads to her not wanting what she has.

4) Give her space, as much of it as she needs. Let her clear the fog first, go NC. Be prepared for sudden surprises in the future. Focus on yourself right now, reflect on our flaws during the relationship and try fix it.

 

This is just my input on this situation, so dont take it all from me, wait for other members to post as well.

 

Wish you all the best

[Boughs]

Best thing to do is reflect.

 

You COULD go date other girls... and show her that you are interested in her.

 

My best friend married the first girl he ever dated. They have now been married 3 years and still seem to be going strong. They only dated for 1.5 years.

 

Camparison is silly... she might have used it to guilt trip herself, and also a means to break-up easier. She may have been afraid of commitment.

[Twilight_Dreams]

hi, im sorry about the breakup. here's my advice:

 

1) Did she break up with me because she needs time alone to figure herself out and what she wants?

 

it certainly seems like it. she mentioned that she felt lost; it doesn't appear to be a result of anything you did.

 

2) Plain and simple doesn't love me anymore?

 

no-one knows for sure but herself. she told you only two weeks ago, and people don't fall out of true love that easily. in my opinion, she still cares about you but is very confused about her feelings at the moment. do you think she meant it when she told you before?

 

3) Doesn't know what she wants, and thereforeeee doesn't want what she has?

 

yep. she seems to be going through a mentally tough stage in her life, and especially at this age young adults are often hassled about what they want from the rest of their life. is she facing a crisis at the moment?

 

4) What should i do?

 

you should give it time and be patient with her. let her know that she can call and hang out with you any time, just as friends. are you two still talking?

 

i don't know if this will work out or not, but i hope you get your first love back. =)

[JEZAUS]

Thanks guys, much appreciated for the reply. And good replies at that.

Twilight, I believed her when she told me she loved me, but then again i'm still going through this stuff, so i 'm not sure if it's my head that wants to hear it or heart that believes it. Also i guess she is facing a crisis. When i put myself in her shoes, i would feel overwhelmed that i did a degree that doesn't get me a job straight away and i really don't know what to do with my life, whilst the closest person to me has got a job straight away and knows the direction he's going in.

Also, we're not talking. I thought the best thing for BOTH of us was not to contact each other....do you think in my situation it's the right thing to do? I would love to talk to her, and not even about us, just how she's doing....but at the moment there is no doubt feelings will surface again and i may take a step backward....i hope she's doing ok....i really do.

Do you think there's hope? And if so, i'm not sure if i can put my life on hold...

[Twilight_Dreams]

i dont know whether my opinion will be empty or real in the long run, but i always think theres hope. to me, the breakup was caused by her own personal issues.

 

if theres no contact, or if she's still feeling upset about the breakup you should wait...or get a friend to check up on how she's doing.

[tomtommyboy]

Alls i want is a better understanding to learn from this experience...Can anyone help?

 

Hi Jezaus - really sorry to hear your story, breakups are incredibly tough and it sounds like you're handling it well so far.

 

I have to be blunt here though and say I don't think all you want IS the understanding from this experience; it's clear from this and your subsequent post that you're really hoping she might come back. That's completely understandable but I honestly think the best thing you can try and do is move on from this situation. The questions you're asking suggest wishful thinking rather than facing up to the reality which is that she's told you she doesn't feel the same way and, despite clearly missing you and grieving the relationship herself, made the huge decision to actually end the relationship. I know this probably isn't what you want to hear and it's only my opinion, but I think it's for the best if you face up to the reality here and try and let go (much much easier said than done I know...)

 

If despite this you really do want to hold onto hoping for a while, I would still advise remaining NC. She needs to know what life's like without you if she's going to make the (equally huge) decision to come back to you. And if you're anything like me, that sort of NC will eventually become NC for yourself to heal (which is the best reason anyway). In any event it sounds like you've had a sensible attitude to this so far.

 

Either way, you've found an excellent support network here at ENA. Keep us informed! And good luck...

[JEZAUS]

Ahh yes, the good old bite of reality. Thanks for that last post, you're right in saying that is definitely not what i want to hear. But of course that's what i wanted out of my original post, objective and rational replies.

Once again, thanks for your post and bite of reality. Ahh life never prepared me for this...

[LBP]

She's a wuss. You can do better. The fact that you had to drag it out of her tells you all you need to know. Maybe she'll shape up and mature later down the road, but I expect you'll be quite over this person at that time.

 

It's a tough thing to deal with, so best of luck to you.

 

And a final word... If you want my honest opinion... Quite likely she felt attraction for another man and very much wants to act on it... There are a lot of people in the world who feel that what they're experiencing in the moment is the most real, true thing to have ever happened to them. There's nothing you can do about that - they want what they want and there's nothing you can do about it.

 

You sound like a pretty together guy who's going places so my advice is don't sweat it... I know things are tough, but they will get better. Be the bigger man, in life as well asin your actions. Don't give into the anger that's coming - you'll forgive yourself for it if you do, but there's just no reason behind it...

 

Everyone on this board believes in you - again, best of luck.

[JEZAUS]

Thanks for the advice, do you think it's a factor that she really does need time by herself as she's never had time to be single because she's always been in a relationship since she was 17? (now 23), coupled with the fact that she doesn't know where she's going in life? Also do you think it's possible that she could end it to 'find herself' even though she still loves me? I realize that love isn't black and white, but what do you think the bottom line is? Finally, do you think it's necessary to be single and by yourself to really 'find yourself' and figure out what you really want?

Thanks for the responses, giving me different perspectives...

[EricAK]

I think it depends on the person. Some people can "find themselves" while with anopther, some people can't do it unless they are a step shy away from cloistered monk. Some people never find themselves. It is a variable.

[tomtommyboy]

I think all these things are factors in her decision but I do honestly believe that if somebody loves somebody else they will try and be with them (other than in an actively abusive relationship which yours clearly wasn't). Notions of "finding herself", "being single for a while", these are all symptoms of the person being unhappy in the relationship. Why hasn't she "found herself" through the loving relationship with you?

 

My ex was going to be single "for ages" the day we broke up, she was in floods of tears and couldn't imagine being with anyone else etc. I think she really believed this. 10 days later and she's starting a new relationship.

 

She was ready to because in reality, the fact she wanted to end our relationship was because she'd fallen out of love; when it actually ended she felt enormous loss and grief (hence the tears and protestations of a single life) but fairly quickly she was emotionally ready to move on because she'd been detaching herself for a long time before the split. That detachment upset her so she hadn't admitted it even to herself; hence the things she said as we split up which were so quickly contradicted.

 

I'm not saying your ex is going to behave like this necessarily, it's still possible she might come back to you etc. But there are strong parallels with my situation; and you really need to be aware that in the state you're in at the moment you're going to cling to anything you can to prove to yourself the relationship isn't over.

 

It's tough and I'm sorry for you...I'm saying these things you don't want to hear to help you, I hope you understand that. People were quite tough on me on these boards when I first came on, bulldozing through my wishful thinking. I look back now and am grateful, it was all part of me waking up to the reality of the situation...which was painful but necessary.

[Sweet Buttabean Jellayroll]

............................

[rascal84]

Jezaus, you sound in a very similar situation to me.

 

My boyfriend split up with me after 2 1/2 generally very good years. I too had our future planned out.

 

He also ended it saying he didnt know how he felt anymore. Said he knew we got on really well, but didnt think that was enough.

 

To start with i thought it was become the commitment idea scared the hell out of him (he's buying his first house, i was talking of moving in, the night it happened we were at an engagement party, where id hinted that it could be us), but to be honest who knows whats really going on in thier minds.

 

The idea of marriage, kids etc for some people is scary.its not for you and not for me, but mybe for them it is.

 

I really think that maybe she does just need time to figure things out. If you gave her everything she wanted, she never had to work for it. My boyfriend is selfish and lazy (his words aswell as mine) and i made our relationship easy for him...he never had to try. I think its then that feelings can seem to go, because you find yourself not having to try and maybe eventually not wanting to. The only way she is going to realise how she feels and whether she wants to try, is to be away from you.

 

There is a chance she just isnt in love with you anymore, but she has told you she loves you and im sure she does. Its very hard to totally stop loving someone who you dont hate. Again, she needs to work out whether the love she feels for you is as a friend or if its more. Whilst you are with her, her thoughts on this are heightened. The more you kiss, touch her, and the less she feels she wants to do it back, the more scared she will be-ive been there and believe me its a horrid thing to feel.

Its not stupid of you to have hope, i still do. Ive been the dumper of a long relationship, and i knew that when it was over it was over. I certainly didnt tell him i still loved him, i told him i cared. I didnt want any physical contact with him, and once i hd made my decision, i didnt want to see him. He made it easy by begging and pleading for months afterwards...so if you take anything from this...take the advice that going after her will only push her away. Im sure if they were sure about their decisions they would have acted similarly, maybe because they dont know, they cant.

 

Some people have told me that he went about things the way he did, because he didnt want to hurt me...maybe thats true, maybe he really is sure and maybe my hope is stupid, but it gets me through the day so 'so what'. Hang onto that hope if it helps. As time goes on and you dont get back together, you will feel differently anyway, its about accepting it which is the hardest thing.

 

I can understand why you are confused about not wanting what she has. my ex said that he could make things easy on himself and stay with me, but if its not right its not right. I cant understand, like you, why on earth he would throw away something so good, but again, she will not know how good it was until she doesnt have it anymore. You might actually start seeing the things about the realtionship that actually weren't that good, which will help you to accept that although it hurts like hell, maybe it was for the best.

I suppose you have to put yourself in their shoes. Imagine you loved this girl, enjoyed spending time with her, but for a while you've been unsure how you felt. She on the other hand is talking of moving in together, marriage, kids etc......wouldn't your heart ache to see her get so excited about stuff that you couldn't. What would you do....keep going with the relationship because it was easy and nice, marry her and then one day meet someone you do feel the missing things for and leave her....no .if you are half a decent human being you would walk away from it before it got too deep. She didnt want to hurt you, but thank her for doing now, before she does meet someone else.

Maybe it will take her a new relationship to realise what you had was good...but if she does, you have to decide what you want. Think about how much she has hurt you....could you ever really forgive her for that?

 

What should you do? Dont like me do any chasing at all. As soon as i did the pleading, the calls stopped. Luckly i only attempeted it once, and him warming me i was pushing him away was enough to make me back off. She wants her space, let her have it. You have to admit you would not want her to be with you if you knew her heart wasnt really in it.

Set yourself the no contact challenge-30days. its quite rewarding every day that goes by and if she gets in touch, seriously consider replying. If she is thinking anything like my ex, she might not get in touch in those 30 days, im on day 23 and have heard nothing.

 

The fact that she is not seeing anyone else is comforting. Maybe another guy has got her thinking about the greener pastures, but im pretty sure she wont want a relationship, ther is the thought thatshe generally does want time alone, time with friends and its guna be a good few weeks before she gets bored of that. Expect to be apart for a while.

 

You cant sit around waiting for her...again this will allow her to feel she has all the time in the world to make a decision. Neither of you have fallen off the face of the earth, so see it like i do.......whats some time apart, if you end up back in a realtionship that is so much stronger. Get on with things....you probably think about her an awful lot...well im pretty sure shes thinking about you aswell. Let her see that you can live without her and then mabe she'll realise that she wants to again be a part of that. Maybe she wont, but at least you havent sat moping about it until then...you'll already be alot further down the line.

 

Who knows why people make the decisions they do? Its hard not to try and work out what she is thinking....but dont. The only person who has any idea is her, and maybe she doesnt even know. If she's looking for greener grass, she'll soon find there isnt any...if shes been in relationships for that many yrs, its bound to have crossed her mind-no matter how much you tell her what you had was great, you wont change her mind....she'll have to realise what a big mistake she's made herslef. What hurts to hear is people saying it might take a couple of yrs......how can i live without her for that long.......i suppose you do because you have to.....what doesnt kill you...balh blah blah!

 

Anyway, i hope its helped. Everyone has different ideas of whats going on, but only you know how you feel and only she knows how she does.people keep telling me it will work out for the best in the end and i guess they must be right.

 

Your life doesnt end because a relationship does.......you will be happy again one day...maybe with her..maybe without. Who knows.

 

Take care mate. sorry for long post.

[JEZAUS]

Thanks for that post rascal, and i liked it that it was long, helps get your point accross i guess...

well, it's been almost two months of no contact, and neither of us have broken it. Of course i find my mind trying to rationalize reasons for calling her and 'see how she is', but once i figure out that it would be only for 'another chance to convince her to come back' i don't. I guess yes, what was posted here before, it was a huge decision breaking up with me, and it's going to be a huge decision coming back. And IF she does want to come back, then i don't want to initiate that. She has to be the one to do that. Geeze i still miss her though. I really wonder how she's doing, and how she can keep going on without me and what we had. Oh well, i've heard that time makes everything heal, so i guess i'll just wade it out. Keep maintaining no contact, hoping she'll give me a call and want to come back...however i must say that feeling it dissolving more and more each day. Ahhh....i keep thinking of her sweet face and.....AHH you see!?? this whole thing is BS.

[rascal84]

You have to look at it that way, otherwise it will eat you up forever. One hopeful story is of my friend. Her bf broke up with her, and they had very little contact......she said she started by thinking they would end up back together, but as the months went on, this faded. However 7 months later he turned up on her doorstep.

 

Not necessarily guna happen to us.....but theres hope!

[JEZAUS]

Yeah, i guess part of the break up was an identity issue though. So i don't think she will come back as people don't 'find themselves' in 7 months.....Still wondering when i will be able to call her and see how she's doing though...i wonder what she's doing now....

Also, do you think anger is a necessary part of moving on? because i don't have any....

[rascal84]

Me neither.

 

Its hard to be angry when they havent done much wrong....how can you hate someone for being honest about their feelings...i wouldn't expect them to hate me if it was the other way round.

 

Saying that, the anger may come once the feelings you have for her fade. She's broken your heart, made you feel a way you probably never thought possible, so will you hate her for this one day...maybe.

It depends how it all pans out i suppose, you may move on quicker than her and never have hate for her, infact it might be thankfullness, if you find life is better, but only time will tell on that one.

 

Have you heard anything from her? Any contact at all?

 

I cant help thinking my ex hasnt been in touch because he really is confused. When i made a break from someone after 4 yrs, i found contact easy because i knew what i wanted......but then i think im kidding myself??

 

how do you feel?

[JEZAUS]

I agree, i don't think i could hate her if i tried. The bottom line is after 3 and a half years, i got a pretty good idea about her, and i always supported her for what ever she wanted to do, and i guess i can only support her for ending our relationship because that's what she wants. Good luck to her.

It will be interesting to see once i move further on if i find myself with some kind of resentment or anger though...but at the moment i don't think i could ever hate her.

I haven't heard anything from her, we once bumped into each other in the local car park but she was in a friends car driving away. She sent a message soon after saying sorry it was weird and hope you're doing good and have a good weekend. I didn't message back because it was a pretty closed message and i didn't have anything to say back.

I was online on msn messenger and i saw her come online, then went offline straight after. Hmmmm not sure why she did that....Any ideas? Like i wasn't going to message her or anything if she did stay online.

It's been almost 2 months with no contact, but was thinking of calling her to see what she's up to. Should i give her more time?

At the moment i feel a bit sad and thinking about her still almost all the time. Pitiful as it is, i know. I feel i was doing much better a few weeks ago, but nowadays, i don't feel as good. I really wonder if she's going ok, and if there's anything i can do to make it easier for both of us.....

[tomtommyboy]

It's been almost 2 months with no contact, but was thinking of calling her to see what she's up to. Should i give her more time?

At the moment i feel a bit sad and thinking about her still almost all the time. Pitiful as it is, i know. I feel i was doing much better a few weeks ago, but nowadays, i don't feel as good. I really wonder if she's going ok, and if there's anything i can do to make it easier for both of us.....

 

Don't break NC, you're really not ready. All it'll do is hurt you, then you won't be in a position to help anybody. The fact you feel less good than before is simply the rollercoaster. You'll probably feel OK again next week then hugely regret any contact you might have now while you're vulnerable.

 

As for your not hating her; I am genuinely in awe of this. But a little sneaking part of me suspects you may be not allowing yourself to be angry as a way of holding onto hope. Whatever, it doesn't matter; if that is the case, you'll go through that phase when you're ready to. If not - I repeat, I am in awe. You have my every respect!

[JEZAUS]

I've tried many things to make myself feel better in an an effort to keep moving on. One of these things is seeing if i have ill feelings. But when i do, i can't find any reason. Maybe i'm not fully letting go at the moment, but it's not in my control...Or maybe i just won't have any anger and move on...well who knows what's after this turn on the roller coaster ride? i don't know.

[p_fred]

Jezaus, you sound in a very similar situation to me.

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( lots of good stuff here )

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Take care mate. sorry for long post.

 

 

\\ GREAT POST RASCAL84 !!!

[FreedomRing]

Don't break NC, you're really not ready. All it'll do is hurt you, then you won't be in a position to help anybody. The fact you feel less good than before is simply the rollercoaster. You'll probably feel OK again next week then hugely regret any contact you might have now while you're vulnerable.

 

You know what....I hate to go against the grain, but I'll advise that you do what you would want her to do to you....be true to yourself...if you could honestly say that you would appreciate a call from her to see how you're doing..or check on you...then why not give her a buzz, or some form of contact? Sometimes I believe NC is a big game.....I listened to the advice of others and did NC for a week, before I realized hey...I miss my ex...I wonder how he is doing....I love him dearly, and although we are not on the same page at the moment, I can still express my care for him, by checking in on him...why not...why pretend like I don't want to contact....who is that really helping??? I say contact her...keep your intentions clear, and feel your way throught the convo...you seem like a smart guy...if she is giving limited feedback, seems a little closed off...keep it short and sweet, state your purpose and end it....but at least you remained true to yourself.....up to you man....I look at it this way....God Forbid something happens to her, and you were hemming and hawing over contacting her or not to...and you went against your gut...for what??? Life is too short, and tommmorrow is not promised!!!!!

[friscodj]

Hey JEZAUS-

 

My friend, this one is pretty clear to me. I have been "you" before in this situation and I have analyzed the hell out of my situation for a very long time. The similarities are absolutely scary. I could have practically made this post 5 years ago almost to the day.

 

At any rate, here's my take, which I will give you in free form vs. explicitly answering your numbered questions above.

 

First, let me summarize the situation here:

 

1) She is 22 and just finished college. This marks a big milestone in one's life and more times than not, brings a lot of confusion, uncertainty, a need to redefine one's self in light of having to "grow up" now.

 

2) She started dating you immediately after her last long-term relationship ended of 1.5 years. This is big too. Sure, she prepared for the split 6 months prior, but my experience tells me even the best preparations do not preclude grieving from the actual separation process. Situations like this are very, very common and confuse a lot of people. They think they should not hurt as they do because they had so much preparation and mistake this pain with an equation to "we must be right for each other since I hurt this bad and didn't think I would". Maybe not the case with her but something to ponder.

 

My belief is that one needs some amount of complete time and distance away from relationships to separate from the pattern of the old relationship, to decondition, to take breathing room, find themselves again and their happiness outside of a relationship with anyone. She got so used to relying on her relationship for fulfillment that she became accustomed to relying on a relationship for fulfillment. In other words, being in a relationship became habitual and she didn't take the proper time to "break" her old "habit" and went straight into another relationship with you. Again, at the time, not such a big deal, but you are seeing the effects now.

 

3) With that said, I believe she is now forced to take that time she did not take when her last relationship ended now. I believe strongly that she genuinely tried to love you and she wants to love you, but she doesn't. Whether or not she can love anyone right now the way people share love in an intimate relationship is a matter of speculation, but I tend to believe the answer is "No". I don't think you screwed up here or did wrong. I believe she is going through a transitional period in her life and a relationship is not her highest priority. Hell, she probably doesn't even know what her priorities are.

 

I have dated dozens of women just like this and the story is always the same. Word-for-word what you wrote of what she told you, I have heard myself, word for word. And you know what? I still keep in touch and even hang out with a select few of those women and 5, 7, 10 years later, they haven't changed. They've gone through a ton of guys and are still lost and confused. The guy is just a variable in their equation and the same patterns repeat, over and over and over again.

 

She also may feel guilty or pressured in light of your surety. You feel so sure and she doesn't. That is fueling her indecisiveness and belief that this isn't right. She feels like she should be as sure as you but since she's not, the relationship is wrong. Been there and done that.

 

Also, if you guys reconcile, I believe it will be based on her dependence upon the relationship, her "vulnerability" without you. She pretty much told you right there that she "needs" you and the relationship, equating to a selfish desire to avoid pain and grief from the separation essentially using you for her comfort, whether she sees this or not (probably not).

 

In short, I believe her. She is young, she just finished school marking a big phase change in her life, she doesn't know what she wants to do, is stuck in a dead end job, she "doesn't know" if she is happy and "feels lost". She said she wants to travel more which punctuates the point she wants to get out and explore. She also seems to desire a comparison to the love she feels for you which is so common.

 

It all makes sense: she is too young, too confused, and in this case, I really do believe she does need to "find herself". Experience has told me as well not to wait around for this process to happen and expect her to come back to you and live happily ever, roll credits. My experience tells me there is an association built between you, the relationship, and this lost time in her life. And when she gets past this phase, everything associated with it and attached to it will follow and be gotten past as well.

 

She is gone. 100%. I am sorry. The "Why?" behind it is pretty clear to me but still largely speculative, but the indisputable fact is that she is emotionally gone from you and the relationship. It is just not in her heart anymore. There is nothing you can do about that. Nothing. I strongly suggest you work on being "gone" too. Everything you say here makes 100% sense to me.