What if Husband Doesn't Want counseling

[soon2be]

Does this mean that my marriage is over? We argue a lot, he's been verbally and physically abusive (more verbal), I don't like having sex with him. He said because he thinks that we need to focus more on being friends since we don't have a relationship with each other, so he doesn't want to put in the effort. He would rather see if we can build our friendship back up first.

[Sweet Buttabean Jellayroll]

Does this mean that my marriage is over? We argue a lot, he's been verbally and physically abusive (more verbal), I don't like having sex with him. He said because he thinks that we need to focus more on being friends since we don't have a relationship with each other, so he doesn't want to put in the effort. He would rather see if we can build our friendship back up first.

 

most men dont want to see a counseler.....now his abusiveness is another issue, u should talk to him about it....and exhibit self confidence and the fact that you wont tolerate it....no counsler can stop him from being abusive....it lies within you.....see what Jay is telling you is free and it works, when a man comes out to say soomething and he sees the woman has confidence and will buck him down in a minute the man backs off and is like OMG.....ok let me back off......u take zero tolerance from a dood by displayin you are someone and u wont take that from him.....ive seen my mom do it plenty of times....and it works and she is by no means going to take someone yelling at her.........but your married these things will sort itself out very quickly you all married each other cz u love each other now just love him no matter what and keep standing your ground and i can say things will end up fine

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

why not go for counseling by yourself?

 

You could really benefit ... build your confidence.. learn how to set healthy bounderies for yourself... learn better communication tools.

[soon2be]

Thank you Jay and HHW. About 3 months ago he did want to go to counseling, but now things have gotten so bad between us (the distance) that he doesn't feel like it's worth it. Within the last few days he's told me that if I think I can find better out there to go ahead and if I moved out then that's fine, because he's not holding me hostage. He said he's not gonna force this marriage to work out.

[Sweet Buttabean Jellayroll]

why not go for counseling by yourself?

 

You could really benefit ... build your confidence.. learn how to set healthy bounderies for yourself... learn better communication tools.

 

very true....dont try and talk to him too much if hes pissed off cz when a dood gets pissed off you know how it is.....just do random special thangs for him.....if it were me

 

you could come home from work with a big bowl of jello and place it on the table come and get me and tell me i made you some jello and while were eating just smile and then bring up your situation im more apt to talk to you if im high off teh jeeeellllllll-ooo

 

but do this in a way in which he is more apt to talk to you dont wake him up in the middle of the night talking about relaitionships it pisses us off.....dont wait until hes about to have sex then talk about something it pisses us off even more......thats some basic thangs to know about men, and if the television is on please dont do that......thats a killer......find a nuetral surrounding like dinner or something or when hes in the car with you yammsayin.....im sure u dont want to hear about relationship conflicts when you out on the town with your girls......but just do it subtle when u find the right moment

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

he sounds lovely.

 

I still think you should go to counseling for yourself...even if you decide to leave.

[soon2be]

Jay that's the thing, I don't have motivation anymore to do anything special for him. I don't wanna have sex with him either, I don't even like hugging him. All of this stems from about a year ago, he neglected me by being a workaholic. I mean it was to the point to where as soon as he came through the door, he was on the phone. When he got off the phone, his laptop was flipped open, then it was more business calls after that, then he fell asleep on the couch. I brought it to his attention and told him that I'm lonely, he would get his act together for two weeks max and then it was the same thing again. After a while I was like fuc this, you're not paying attention to me so I’m not gonna do the things I used to. I stopped cookin and doing a lot of things that I used to, I started spending more time in the gym. We both neglected each other. So you got this on top of his bad temper (verbal abuse and sometimes physical), I'm just about done. If he doesn't like things a certain way, he doesn't ask me nicely, he talks down on me. He told me to go to counseling by myself, he doesn't want to go because he doesn't know how much longer we'll be together.

[soon2be]

Oh yeah, we only had sex this year maybe 5 times, that's it. This year I haven't even had an "O" by him either, just with my vibrator. This sucks. When I was more into him, I would all the time, I just ain't there anymore.

[Sweet Buttabean Jellayroll]

theres nothing you can do.......just let everything fall into place or u could try one more time at trying to do something special, but when a dood tells a woman if you want to find someone else go ahead that means its just about over....and hes actually probaly looking for another girl......cz men usually get defensive but now it sounds like he threw his hands up and said i quit...

[soon2be]

theres nothing you can do.......just let everything fall into place or u could try one more time at trying to do something special, but when a dood tells a woman if you want to find someone else go ahead that means its just about over....and hes actually probaly looking for another girl......cz men usually get defensive but now it sounds like he threw his hands up and said i quit...

 

Yeah, the mf probably already got somebody...

[flower99]

In theory his plan about buiding back the friendship sounds awesome...because you two have drifted so far, and your needs aren't being met my him & possibly his aren't being met either.

So getting to know eachother again & developing the friendship is an Excellent plan. Find out why you two feel in love & got married & rekindle it all.

 

BUT...it takes time & effort & both of you have to be willing to do that. And it appears that there is some bitterness & unforgiveness due to some history. And some anger managment would be good for him. That all needs to be worked through. And counselloing would be a great spot for that. But if he's not willing....not sure what you could do.

Besides attend it yourself. Take the what you learn & apply it at home,while working on building that friendship. He may change his mind later on & be willing to join you for couselling. pray for wisdom & guidence on what the right move here is. I wish you the best.

the sex issue will get fixed when you're emotionally connected again.