after break up, remaining friends...

[whitelilly]

I'll try to keep the background info short........My boyfriend broke up with me 6 weeks ago. This was both our first loves, and we were best friends. Basically he broke up with me because he didn't know what he was supposed to feel in a relationship, and that he wanted to be able to just have space, do whatever he wanted, when he wanted and not have to worry about upsetting me. Plus, he didn't think he loved me, whereas I loved him so intensely he felt as though I deserved better.

 

So things didn't end bitterly at all.

 

Anyhow, when we broke up, I said I didn't think we could remain as best friends, as it was just going to hurt me too much. He begged me to remain friends with him, even said he wouldn't break up if it meant we couldn't be. We both agreed that we wanted to be able to talk and see each other at college OK, as we had no reason to be bitter towards each other.

 

So for the first few weeks, we hung out at lunch time, and it really felt like we were still together. (Conversation wise) Everything was going good, and I'd feel good when I got home. But then I realised I was on a high from seeing him. And when I would then realise I wasn't with him, I'd just cry so much.

 

Slowly, things died down, and now we see each other and our conversations are still fine, but they are about assignments and what we did on the weekend. This just makes it hard for me, because we shared so much and this all seems so weird to just be talking about such boring things. Plus, it's so hard hearing about how great his weekends are, and how terrible mine are.

 

We are friends with the same people mostly, and we met by going to local shows. (bands) He was in a band that would play, so it worked in well. Anyhow, as much as I would love to go to see these bands, it just hurts too much now. I went a few times after we broke up, and I realised how many people I thought were my friends, are really now HIS friends. Even some that I introduced to him, are now closer to him.

 

When I go, he talks to me, but then there are also moments where he will go off and socialise, and there I am left standing there watching how much fun he is having. Everyone talks to me, but for like 5 mins before they walk off. It's like they feel awkward knowing I was the dumped one or something. So i decided I shouldn't go to shows anymore, if it makes me feel so sad afterwards. It's no use hurting myself more, right?

 

Then I sit home, and I'm so sad that I am missing out on something I enjoy doing. It's like a catch22 situation. It just hurts SO much to watch him having fun and getting along with everyone, and me to know that I am no longer a part of that anymore.

 

I am also scared that he will meet someone else, and I don't want to have to deal with hanging out with him and his new girlfriend, I couldn't do it.

 

So this leaves me here..... 6 weeks on, and hurting so much. The first few weeks I felt I was coping, but all of this social situation stuff is really hurting me, and I feel back at square one again. I have been out with some of my work friends, but it's not the same. I still wake up the next morning feeling terribly sad. Because I know what I really want to do, I can't.

 

Even though I am not ready for another relationship, all the people I get along with so well, and have the same interests as me, go to see these bands..... so I can't even see myself meeting anyone new!

 

After 6 weeks is it supposed to get easier than this? I feel like I am at the worst stage, it feels even worse than the start. I guess it's all becoming reality, as I am realising how much he's not in my life anymore.

 

I don't miss the intimate side as much as I just miss his company, his friendship. But I know if we were to be friends, I'd then long for the intimacy. (I mean I do miss it alot, it's just everything about the person he is, that i miss the most right now.)

 

I know so many people are going through this, but I feel so alone!

[dazn]

4get him and move on or else u will just end up being 2nd fiddle and his backup plan

[Finzsoftie]

Hey there Whitelilly,

 

Im really sorry to hear about what is happening! My advise to you, wake up one morning and just say, it's over! He wanted it to be over, and it doesnt matter as I am going to live this day to the fullest, if he sees me happy, being the person that he loved, then he will regret it. Start it off maybe like that, you will feel happier just concentrate on yourself.

I think that breaking all of the contact is best, if you guys do run into each other then say hi, but dont waste your time, and dont waste your feelings on somebody that doesnt want to spend their feelings on you.

A friendship is about common understanding, and if you cant see yourself hanging out with him and his new girlfriend, then you are not friends.

If you want PM me!

Keep smiling, and keep shining!

[P-Frenchie]

Listen to what I have to say, because I've been through a very similar situation. A while ago I was in a relationship with this girl... everything about her made my heart race. I was in love. Every free moment that we had we would spend together, and everything seemed magical. What most would see as a boring night, watching tv on the couch, was more than enough to make me happy so long as I was with her. Anyways, she was my first love. Being a musician, I would write songs about her even if I knew she would never hear them; she was my inspiration. Then we broke up, and much like in you're case, decided to remain friends. But everytime we were together I would start to fall in love again. I could go through so many emotions thinking about ehr: love, jealousy, anger, sorrow. I thought I'd never get over her. We also share all of the same friends so that didn't make it easy. I still would go out though, nomatter how much it hurt. Gradually I thought about her less and less and the pain went away. I've had a few other relationships since, none as serious though. Although it still sometimes hurts to think about her, its much better.

 

You may not think so, but you will pull through on this one. Time heals all wounds and you will find another person who you LOVE (just as much if not more). I know this advice is hard to take: I'm having trouble following it myself. Even though I've been through it once, I'm heartbroken over a different girl at the moment.

 

I hope things work out for you, I know they will.

[SunnyScott]

F him! If he doesn't treat you like gold, then why are you still hoping. I think that a guy either loves you or he doesn't.

 

You are still young and full of potential. Go out and enjoy your youth, and don't give him the satisfaction by being around. Maybe, you should find a new group of friends...

 

I hope that you'll feel better though.

[whitelilly]

I think perhaps my post came off a little wrong. Most people seem to think he isn't treating me nicely. He is polite to me, and he does talk to me when I am out.

 

He was very honest throughout the breakup, and although said some hurtful things (the truth) he said some very nice things to me also.

 

I guess what I meant to say, is that all of this social awkwardness is really my choice. He doesn't care if I go out with them, it's me who thinks it's maybe a bad choice, and incidentally, I am sad that I can't bring myself to do it. I guess I have to think about my feelings now though.

 

Thanks for the advice though, everyone. I think I do need to try and make some new friends, or simply take some time off and get over this pain before I try to hang out with that circle of friends again.