Girlfriend just broke up with me 3 hours ago :(

[Nate]

I am so numb right now. My girlfriend of 1 year 7 months just called and broke up with me giving me the "I dont have time for a relationship / I need space routine"

 

Im 24 and she is 19 we met working at a resturant together, she was very needy and clinging when we first met, due to being raped in a previous relationship. She was almost annoying with some of her jokes and slightly nerdy. But I loved the fact that someone NEEDED me so much.

 

She ended up telling me she loved me after 3 weeks of going out, I told her I needed more time to be able to say it and actually mean it. About a month later I was able to say it and mean it. - Now shoot to the present and she is no longer needy and clingy but a strong young woman and Im the one whos all "clingy" and emotional. I cant help but feel used slightly.

However being in this relationship has taught me several things and I wouldn't even be in school right now if it wasn't for her, so Im thankful for that.

 

What upsets me so much is she never attempted to talk to me about any of this - I saw her a couple days ago. After I got out of class I would usually go over to her house at night where she'd 'make' me watch girlie movies on lifetime, the whole time we'd be playing around, wrestling etc, and now she calls me up and says this?

 

Prior to this breakup she had broken up with me about 4 months prior - but promptly called me back the next day telling me she made the biggest mistake of her life. I took her back because honestly she is my only friend, and my best friend which makes it so much harder and because I still love her.

 

Im not counting on her calling me back this time as she told me that shes "not afraid to be alone" which I guess was why she called me after the previous breakup - basically she was just using me I guess.

 

One good thing about this though, is that since that first time she broke up with me I kind of learned what breaking up with someone you truly love felt like, so maybe when the numbness wears off and I come to grasp with the fact that I am no longer with this girl I wont hurt as much, god I hope so.

 

Anyways I told myself after the first breakup that if it ever happened again I would do something for ME - and Im going to stick to it, Im going to join the military even though Im already 24, you only live once, right?

So thats it I need something to fill this emptyness and make the pain go away, I guess I'll make myself a better person in the long run.

 

I am going to send her one letter stating that I still care about her and respect her need for space and that will be it.

 

Im not counting on getting out of the military 4 years from now and having her there waiting for me, but that wouldnt be bad at all

 

 

Nate

[crookster_man]

Hey, sorry to hear about your situation. We all go through similar experiences when we lose the one's we love. I have found through my own experiences and through others, that when we commit ourselves to someone who is needy and dependent we are setting ourselves up for a big downfall.

 

No matter what happens we will suffer. Either she will remain needy and dependent all her life, which will eventually drain you and suck the love out of the relationship. Or she will grow into the "strong woman" that you helped her become. When this happens they usually view the relationship as having served its purpose. They no longer NEED you to prop them up and help them grow. Understand?

 

It is about time you set out on your own path and do stuff for yourself. When you do find another person make sure your love for each other is greater then your need for each other.

 

One last thing, don't join the military right away. I'd say wait a month. Don't rush into something that will completely alter your life. You will deny yourself the ability to grieve, and experience the pain that you need to experience in order to grow. Once you are sure that this choice is one based on your dreams and ambitions and not an attempt to run away from the pain, then I say go for it.

 

Good luck, we will be here for you.

[Jacob-love]

Well Nate, Stay strong. If there is a great common bond and ground for you two, then you will have a chance in the future, unfortunately I can tell you that the School routine is not the truth, is never has been and never will be. When someone says I don't ahve time for you anymore, that means they want out for a reason other than that, but they still care for you very much. You will become angry and depressed through the week and so on, but the time you spent with her will soon bring you to see what it is she loved about you and you her. But do not forget the bad times as well, those may tell you why she left, they may not. The human mind will block bad thoughts in order to protect you from going too far.. suicidal for example.. You may see her with someone, you may not - Hopefully not. If so, then that is your reason. if she Really did need time, then great! there's a hell of a lot of hope! but we can't make and conclusions just yet, Post again and let us know what's happening. The millitary may not be the best thing right now.. Htought a good idea, and if that's your dream fine.. but at this time, no, not yet.. See what happens because if you leave, that may give her just what she needs to get over you, if you love her, you won't let her get over you. everytime she see's, everytime something reminds her of you, she will definatley reflect on the good! I also need to know why she broke up the first time, that will give me insight to the situation and future. Well Good luck Nate! - Jacob

[jacobs]

well....from my experience,my opinion is that when a woman (especially a young woman)says that she needs space,means that they want to see other guys,or a new guy...my guess is that there was somebody 4 months ago that she broke up with you over,and he most likely rejected her,prompting her to call you back and tell you what a mistake that she made.and now she has another shot at him etc.remember thats my opinion.im a former combat decorated marine from desert storm.and believe me,i would take a heartbreak from a woman over my wartime heartbreakes and wounds emotional as well as physical without giving it a second thought.as hard as this is for you right now,you need to face this right now.im not saying that the military is a bad choice...but not for the reasons that you have.the problem is with her not you....stand your ground and give her nothing!!!especially letting her see you down and emotional......stand tough bro.....

[Nate]

Well the reason she broke up with me the first time, according to her was because she had been talking to her cousin who I guess is pretty slutty.

Her cousin was telling her how much fun it was to be dating all the time and that kind of made her crave it I guess.

 

But the next day she called me crying telling me she made the biggest mistake of her life and that she wanted to be with me and never lose me again. And how she was up all night thinking about everything we had done/planned for and how she didnt want to lose all that.

 

That was it for the first time.

 

Now the second time (which is the current) is the Not enough time thing. I called up a girl that works with her, apparently after breaking up with me she called this girl up crying. I don't know exactly what my gf said to her but I guess she told this girl that she "thinks Im mad at her now" I just told her to let her know that Im not mad just hurt. My gf also told this girl that I always want to be with her and that I get mad when she has to work late - which from my point of view is totally not true, but maybe shes seeing something different. Honestly though - SHES usually the one calling me - SHES the one coming over to my house on Mon/Wed before tennis practice and then I'd go over for a couple hours after class on Tues and Thurs and we'd go out Fri OR Sat. So I don't see how I could be smoothering her. As far as Im concerned we spent a normal amount of time together and I dont think Im wrong.

 

Im thinking shes just very confused and maybe has the grass is always greener thing going on. I can accept the fact that she might want to expirience new things and meet/date new people, but what I don't want to accept is that we may not get married and spend the rest of our lives together like we had planned - thats what hurts so much. She was my first true love and its so damn painful

 

As far as the military goes I wont be joining until I finish up this semester that will have given me plenty of time to make sure Im doing it for the right reasons.

 

I want to thank you all for your responses, I usually read them over twice as they make me feel so much better, thanks guys.

 

Nate

[Cynical Rants]

Nate,

 

I'm very sorry to hear about your situation, and I must say you and I are in very similar situations. I know how you feel, almost empty inside, but I've helped others through it before, it does get better. I'm hurting right now as well due to a very recent breakup, but I know I'll be okay eventually, as will you.

 

If the Military is your true dream, then follow it, and the best of luck to you my friend.

[Jacob-love]

Nate, good to see you are on the right track.. For breaking up so recently you have advanced pretty well. It sounds to me (after crying to her friend) that she has feelings for you, strong or weak, and she still cares. This may be the actual case of "I don't have time at this point in my life" situation, though rare. If she experiences other ( I hate to say it, and it's very very VERY painful I know (going through same thing right now, thats why i want to help)) people, and she realizes you made her the happiest, then chances are she will return! Don't lose faith, she will tell you move on but.. How can you move on and find someone else when you stil love her? She won't understand that right now, but you do I'm sure. Time.. give it time. don't tell her "I'm giving you space" because that will imply to her that expect to get back together. You may not like it but you have to minipulate her in the slightest way, this being one way. If she realizes wow.. every was ok. time was permisable, yadda yadda.. then you may be back together next week! who knows.. but still keep the faith, what doens't kill us only makes us stronger, heard it before? Well it's true....Also at 18 she hears commitment? Omg! Yes girls want that but unfortuantely you and i are not to far apart.. We like commitment and we get the girls who are not compelled to find someone to commit, but eventually they will, jus tnot now. In other girls they may love it, but you dont want to commit to them, figures hu.. well lets see what happens, Good luck - Jacob