I'm starting to think he's commitment phobic...

[ladeedah]

So this guy has been playing the shy guy game with me for a while and I have been very patient with his looking for excuses to talk to me and be near me but when I begin to let my guard down and respond he out of the blue does something to spoil everything and stop all progress like running away from an opportunity to be alone with me.Than, I back off and he feels it and again starts "sucking up" to me to try to endear himself to me. his .What do you guys think? What is this guys story?Ireally don't think he'splaying games,like he wouldn't want to intentionally hurt me but this behavior os so confusing!!! Is it normal behavior for a guy to pull away from a girl he likes when he feels like he is getting too close to her?

[CrazyKing]

Very inexperienced, I guess... It takes a lot of time until he's finally ready 'enough' to talk alone - I used to be the same... To me, it seemed to be some kind of sickness that I had to fight - I was really willing to be intimate with a girl, but when I felt that something like that is going to happen, I turned red and behaved like trying to run away...

 

If there is something where you both can participate, there has to be some activity, dunno what, depends on you, then it should be easier to break the ice...

[ladeedah]

Thanks for your response.The doing things together is a tactic he always uses,like asking me to do stuff at work with him and I've been going along with it for a while now but I'm losing patience and wondering about his intentions. Like,will he ever get past his fears and move up a notch?

[arwen]

I think that the term commitment phobic does not apply to a situation in which there is no actual relationship (yet! ). He may just be clumsy and shy because he fancies you. In addition, I think that game-playing and using 'tactics' is not what you want to do in the end. If you'd get together, I think that it's much better to know that it was out of a genuine sense of affection, rather than 'winning' a game. It is just a thought. I think if one party (him in this case) is giving mixed signals, it's best to be straightforward and simply ask him out for coffee

 

Good luck and I hope things will work out!

 

Arwen

[ladeedah]

So does his behavior now during the pursuit,indicative of future even more confusing behavior if a relationship ever came out of it?

[Batya33]

You think he is fearful - he might be or he simply might be ambivalent about whether he wants to take it beyond fun flirting since he gets his ego stroked when it is obvious you respond and are interested. Or, perhaps he is pursuing someone else (but not yet dating her) and you are the person he likes to flirt with. And, people have moods - some days he may be very interested, others not so much.

 

I find it best not to analyze these so called signs. Either he's asking you out on a proper date, or he is not. If he is not then it could be a matter of time or it could be that he is not sincerely interested or available (emotionally or otherwise) to date you.

 

A friend of mine spent months obsessing over signs - constant flirting, talking, grabbing her hans, no mention of another woman, agreeing to go to dinner with her for his birthday a month from then, agreeing that he felt the same way when she gave him a letter about how much she enjoyed his company. She hated my input even though she asked for it.

 

Every one of her dozen friends and her therapist strongly believed he would ask her out soon, he was just shy or uncomfortable because they worked together. I was of the view that he was attracted to her, liked flirting but otherwise wasn't interested in dating, perhaps because he was with someone else. He was - living with a long term girlfriend. He told her he hadn't mentioned it because his personal life was none of her business.

 

I didn't like being right - it wasn't about that - just an example of where you can obsess over and overanalyze "signals" that you want to see as "interest in dating" when it could be just good old fashioned flirting. If you simplify it to "if he is sincerely interested he will ask me out" then you can enjoy the flirting but keep it off your "overanalyzing" radar.

 

And, yes, even very shy guys (well, adults, not referring to teenagers here) will step up to the plate if they are interested enough, particularly if you are behaving in a friendly, interested way.. I'm living proof, many times over. This guy is not shy - he talks to you - he might be afraid - that's normal, so are we all when it comes to asking people out - but most men get over that fear to get an hour or three alone with a woman they are sincerely interested in. But that's just me. (And while I'm not a fan of asking men out - if he liked you, he would - no harm in asking him to lunch, is there? I did that once with a man I worked with who flirted aggressively with me - he came to lunch and made it very clear by his body language that he wasnt' interested in dating me, he just liked being the office flirt - but at least I knew where I stood - and I didn't regret asking him to lunch one bit).

[ghost69]

well, you said this was at work right? i'm not sure if your business frowns on dating within the company, but maybe he is scared of that.