She didn't cheat, but she told him she was crushing

[Pacific loansum]

My ex G and I have been "officially" broken up since the first week of March. I'll admit that she has done a way better job moving on than I. I've been wanting her back sooo much since I moved out of our apartment that same week. We agreed that we should break up at the end of January, but I kept living there for another month. She was distant and I was trying to play it cool, but I began falling for her again. Needless to say when moving day came, I broke down after packing all my things and transfering all my memories from her desktop comp to my laptop. Since I've moved I've been relying on counseling at school and the comfort of a friend who has gone through the same thing. It's been sooo freaking lonely out here. I moved out here because of her and I only have one close friend. I've been trying half-heartedly to move on, but to no avail. I've slept with one other person, but felt nothing for her, hardly even lust. I just can't get over her. I recently found out from my only friend that him and her have been hanging out behind my back. They say that they didn't want to hurt me by telling me. When I confronted her for the reasons as to why she wanted to have a secret friendship with my only friend, she replied that she had developed a crush on him. I can't believe I trusted him. While they both admit that nothing happened, and that every time the hung out they discussed the ethical dilemma that their actions had created, I can't help but feel betrayed, and lonlier than hell. I mean he was my only friend, and I still loved her. What makes it worse is that this began the first week of the break-up, at which time she told him she was crushing. She said he felt it would be wrong to act on those emotions. She told me that if he would have acted, she would have followed through. She claims vulnerability and loneliness as her reasons for doing this. While I understand that we are broken up, I just can't believe she would do this.

 

So know I'm left without a friend within 1000 miles, and a beat up soul. I can't stop thinking about their time together, and the sad part is I still want her back. I can't find enough distractions to keep me from thinking about this. I could use some support.

 

Thanks

[Ash]

The point of it all is ... you're broken up and no longer together. What she does now isn't cheating or running around behind your back or anything like that. Your lives and separate now, and although it's sometimes terribly difficult to come to terms with, anything either of you do is not really relevant to the other any more.

 

Look ahead in your own life instead of paying a lot of attention to hers. It will just make it hurt more, and make her harder to get over. It is likely best to not even talk to her about what she is doing. Try to resist the temptation.

[Pacific loansum]

Ash, I agree with you. But Doc's advice seems to help realize that we first need to take care of ourselves before others. In sum, it should be taken with a grain of salt. Thanks both.

[Ash]

"Doc" kinda made his point in a rather harsh way, but if that's what you took from what he said there is some sense in it. You certainly should be number one. If you had fallen almost immediately into a feeling of security and belonging with another right after a break up you perhaps might see where your ex's heart and head is. Perhaps it seems difficult, too fast and just plain wrong, but she too is doing perhaps what she thinks she needs to, to take care of herself.

 

Extremely tricky I know. I was in a relationship where there essentially wasn't any time between a breakup and her being with another (a couple of days) and it's terribly tough to take. Likely what you'll find is it may not work out for her. Often that's the case, but again, this is not something for you do dwell on too much.

 

You do need to take care of you. And if that means the comfort of friends, partiularly women, then that in some ways is okay too as long as they understand the situation.