mustache Posted April 12, 2007 Share Posted April 12, 2007 We are together since 1988 My wife had an emotional affair in 1995 She used to talk to a guy on the phone I was working outside our city and I only was home at weekends I asked her to stop several times, but she told he was only a friend Over the phone she referred him as Mr. Bill (never Bill) On a sunday when I was home, she went me on the bedroom and went downstairs to the bathroom Minutes later, I went downstairs too and found her inside the bathroom talking to Bill over the phone That hurt me a lot Faithfulness was very important issue for me and I've been faithful up to that time But since then I was feeding revenge thoughts In 2004 I finally started to cheat on her and I was so glad in my revenge In 2006 I quit cheating on her and became very remorseful, and so am I up to now I looked two therapists but they can not set me free of my guilty feelings The problem is: 1- Her emotional affair hurt me so much, maybe because I thought she migh have had sex with him 2 -Then I went in revenge 3- Now her emotional affair seems not to be important and remorse and guilty feelings are greater Maybe because now it's clear it was only an emotional affair and no physical meeting Please advice me Link to comment
CarnelianButterfly Posted April 12, 2007 Share Posted April 12, 2007 Was she really having an emotional affair or was he really a friend? Link to comment
EvaGina Posted April 12, 2007 Share Posted April 12, 2007 wow she was obviously having an "affair" becuase of bad communication... you carried on a real affair for 2 years becuase she was talking to some guy on the phone? Link to comment
mustache Posted April 13, 2007 Author Share Posted April 13, 2007 wow she was obviously having an "affair" becuase of bad communication... you carried on a real affair for 2 years becuase she was talking to some guy on the phone? Eva I suffered because of that How could I be sure there was nothing going on ? And about my suffering ? Mustache Link to comment
mustache Posted April 13, 2007 Author Share Posted April 13, 2007 Was she really having an emotional affair or was he really a friend? Carnelian It was an emotion affair because it affected me a lot Link to comment
EvaGina Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 Eva I suffered because of that How could I be sure there was nothing going on ? And about my suffering ? Mustache okay, for the most part, a person doesnt cheat if they are happy in the realtionship. Especially when it comes to an "emotional" affair, it seems to me that she was confiding in this other man becuase she couldnt come to you. Instead of fixing the communication gap, you slept with another woman for two years. Im sorry, but having a friend does NOT compare to rooting some other lady. Does your wife know that you were unfaithfull? Link to comment
CarnelianButterfly Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 And its all about you isn't it? That seems to be the trouble you've had. Look at have self centric your explanation of your situation is. She talked to a man on the phone, you had a two year affair, now you only care about the guilt you feel, you don't say any thing of how horrible this was to her. You don't mention that you seriously betrayed your wife. A lot of women have male friends they talk to and they talk to them about the trouble they're having in their relationship. Are you so sure it was an affair or was it really a guy she talked to that wasn't you. Link to comment
EvaGina Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 And its all about you isn't it? That seems to be the trouble you've had. Look at have self centric your explanation of your situation is. She talked to a man on the phone, you had a two year affair, now you only care about the guilt you feel, you don't say any thing of how horrible this was to her. You don't mention that you seriously betrayed your wife. A lot of women have male friends they talk to and they talk to them about the trouble they're having in their relationship. Are you so sure it was an affair or was it really a guy she talked to that wasn't you. Very, very well said CB!! OP, you need to take some responsibility for this. Link to comment
mustache Posted April 13, 2007 Author Share Posted April 13, 2007 Very, very well said CB!! OP, you need to take some responsibility for this. Later, I read that an emotional affair can affect one a lot But now I have double suffering For felt cheated on, and by being the cheater I think I will not find a person that can comprehend how is the suffering a spouse who feels replaced by someone else even in a phone affair Link to comment
CarnelianButterfly Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 Have you even told your wife? Link to comment
EvaGina Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 Later, I read that an emotional affair can affect one a lot But now I have double suffering For felt cheated on, and by being the cheater I think I will not find a person that can comprehend how is the suffering a spouse who feels replaced by someone else even in a phone affair You think we dont know what it feels like ot be cheated on? an EMOTIONAL affair is a reaction to a bad situation, she was seeking solaice in another man becuase you were not fulfilling her emotional needs (as is the case with most physical affairs as well). You HAVE to take some of the responsibility for the failing relationship. What are you willing to do to fix the relationship? does your wife know you spent 2 years shagging another woman? Are you willing to own up to the fact that you made a bad situaiton FAR worse becuase you screwed another woman to get revenge on your wife? To fix your marriage you are going to have to do whatever it takes to gain trust from your wife. Link to comment
mustache Posted April 13, 2007 Author Share Posted April 13, 2007 Have you even told your wife? I have not told her because I will cause her so much pain I only told her that I revenged what she did in 1995 Mustache Link to comment
EvaGina Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 So, what do you want? Do you want to fix your marriage? Link to comment
mustache Posted April 13, 2007 Author Share Posted April 13, 2007 So, what do you want? Do you want to fix your marriage? I wish I could not not feel so guilty and comprehend tha pain I had went through. But that pain seem so silly now, that it can not compensate my revenge. So I feel very miserable Link to comment
EvaGina Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 yes, we understand this. what do you want tho? Do you still want to be married to your wife? Link to comment
CarnelianButterfly Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 And do you even care how much pain your wife would feel if she knew? Maybe you should stop throwing yourself a pity party and start cleaning up the mess of your marriage. Tell your wife and give her the chance to decide if she still wants you around. Link to comment
mustache Posted April 13, 2007 Author Share Posted April 13, 2007 And do you even care how much pain your wife would feel if she knew? Maybe you should stop throwing yourself a pity party and start cleaning up the mess of your marriage. Tell your wife and give her the chance to decide if she still wants you around. Yes I want to continue the marriage Now I know how valuable woman she is I am feeling a jerk But I have no courage to tell her Mustache Link to comment
CarnelianButterfly Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 If a man does not give his wife emotional support what is she supposed to do then? Are women not allowed to talk to men in a manner that might involve emotions? Being married does not negate their support system, some of which can be male. Having a person to talk to is not having sex, its trying to find understanding and connection that obviously was not in the marriage. His actions are not justified even if she had slept with the other man. Revenge is a worthless way to act in a long term relationship, it accomplishes nothing except some sick satisfaction on the part of the person committing it. If it really was revenge he would have been proud to tell her what he had done, but instead he sneaks around and hides it for 2 years. Blaming her for his affair sounds like he was just looking for an excuse to cheat. Link to comment
RebeccaChow Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 Well, both of you need to quit hurting each other if you still want this marriage to work. I don't think revenge helps, even though you may feel gleeful for awhile. Agree that you both stop cheating and start afresh in the marriage. Or go for counselling sessions to help mend the marriage back. Take good care! Link to comment
mustache Posted April 13, 2007 Author Share Posted April 13, 2007 It can seem a lie but, I still love my wife very much However when she is angry she doest not mind about hurting my with jealousy I told her about how much she hurt me talking to that guy, but she does not apologize I need she to understand how much I suffered, before confess her the things I did Mustache Link to comment
CarnelianButterfly Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 During the time she was talking to this guy, what kind of husband were you? Did you listen to her needs, did you care for her emotional health? If you didn't act like a husband and were emotionaly lacking, she may feel very much that talking to a person other than you was not wrong. Was it really an affair or was it a friend on the phone she complained to about you? Link to comment
Commando Posted April 14, 2007 Share Posted April 14, 2007 Since my other post was deleted because it hurt somebody's feelings, I'll be nicer this time. Basically, don't blame it all on him. For one of you to honestly blame it on him for her going to somebody else for emotional needs is pathetic and hypocritical. I could then say...well he went to somebody else for physical needs. It would be the same thing. Yes, it would. Emotional cheating is just as bad as physical. Stop making excuses for his girlfriend. Link to comment
CarnelianButterfly Posted April 14, 2007 Share Posted April 14, 2007 So intentionally hurting her should be allowed? Link to comment
doomedman Posted April 14, 2007 Share Posted April 14, 2007 CarnelianButterfly's right here I'm afraid commando.. even though you have a perfectly valid point. Emotional cheating IS just as bad a physical cheating, you are correct, however this would only apply if he NEEDED to physically cheat. But he didn't.. he did it to take revenge, which is NO excuse. Of course his wife is in the wrong for doing this in the first place.. I guess if she wasn't doing that then all of this would never have happened. He just comepletely messed up in trying to solve it by thinking that doing the same thing would fix things. Link to comment
Mavis VDSande Posted April 15, 2007 Share Posted April 15, 2007 I think there is a great gap in what is understood as "cheating" or not between the OP and his wife. In a big way they do not see "eye to eye". For e.g He states that at the time he was very upset seeing his wife chat to another man on the phone, hidden from his view. On confronting his wife over this, she denies intentionally hurting or "cheating" on him and is not sorry for what she did. Furthermore he's told us that he told her he had already avenged what she did during that year. She obviously understood this as something, but she's not aware that his "revenge" was in fact having a "physical affair". To the OP, you cannot, and I mean cannot aviod telling your wife the truth. I also agree with everyone in that you must take responsibility for your actions. I know you feel bad but you know, it's not always about you. Rels are a partnership, teamwork and you cannot resolve conflicts by standing on opposite sides of the fence. If you want to resolve things you have to throw your pride away and admit that your act of revenge got out of hand (it being a 2 year fling) and that you may lose your wife to what you did. You have to stop putting the blame on "one of you". Both of you were not communicating, so the rels broke down in a series of actions that were misunderstood and negative to the rels. Being upfront and honest to each other won't be easy, but if you want to give your rels a chance and hold no grudges against each other, pandora's box will probably have to be open. Link to comment
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