What to do about my friend?

[Chinadoll]

Okay this is a long story, but I'll make it as simple as possible...

 

There was this girl "Caty" that I had been very close friends with from the age of about 8 or 9. We are both 22 now. About a few years ago, I was working at a local general store in our small town, and we needed another cashier. Since Caty was looking for a job, I got her an interview with the manager, and basically convinced the manager to hire her. Everything was great for about a month or so- I was so happy to be working with one of my best friends...

 

then Caty started to act a little strangely. She would make cutting remarks towards me, laugh hysterically when other's did so too, mess up at work then let me take the fall for it, and give very personal information about me and my fiancee to the other coworker's when she knew better. When I would confront her about it, she would immediately crumble, beg for forgivness and profess that she didn't know why she was acting in such a way. Each time, I would forgive her.

 

Then came a very big problem: this older, married gentleman decided that he liked me, and began to stalk me during work hours, leaving unwanted notes and presents. Eventually the police had to get involved and things got scary for a while. Come to find out Caty had been supplying my stalker with my work schedual, enabling him to stalk me. I was shocked and the manager was furious with her. Caty was somehow able to convince us that she didn't know about the situation, and was very very sorry. Again, I took this to heart, and forgave my oldest friend.

 

Then came time when Caty decided to move to the east coast with her mother. I was sad, but threw her a going away party, and saw her off. We would email, write, send gifts, and talk on the phone about 2 or 3 times a week. She began to talk about how she wanted to come back to our small Iowa town, because her mother and her were living in a tiny house, with no furniture and barely any food. Her grandparents offered many times to come get her and put her up in their house again. Each time, she refused.

 

I didn't hear from her for weeks, then one evening (1:00 AM to be exact) I get a phone call, that woke my entire household up, (boy my parents were pissed) and it was a man. He began to hit me up for money, telling me that it was for a friend that we had in common, and that he knew I had enough.) I somehow managed to coax his name, address and more personal information from him, and then went to the police that afternoon.

 

They ran a criminal backround check and told me to basically carry mace and be very afraid- the man who had my home phone number and first and last name was very dangerous. I was to only go out in public with my fiancee, not alone.

 

I was shocked, and scared. We couldn't figure out who the hell this guy was, and how he would have gotten my number and knew so much about me.

 

About a week later, Caty called and confessed to sending him after me for money. He was just someone she had known when she still lived around town. She apologized and apologized, and swore that she never thought he'd even call me. That didn't make sense to me. I told her I needed time to think, and hung up. I wrote her a long letter, explaining why we could no longer be friends (mainly for the protection of myself and my family) and told her to never contact me again. I was so shocked and hurt- I never knew she had it in her to do this to me and I never knew she even consorted with people like that man.

 

I haven't heard from her since, so she followed my instructions. My problem is, is that I'm not over Caty. Even through all the bad things she did, I still love her. We were little girls together. We grew up together. We told eachother secrets and shared our deepest desires. It hurts so bad, that I feel like I have this big, empty hole in my heart. It's been about a year and a half now, since I sent her that letter, and I still think of her every day...

 

Was I too rash? Did I do the right thing? Why the hell does it hurt so much. If she was so bad for me WHY can't I feel better about it? Please give advice, cause I can't stop thinking of her,

 

Love,

Chinadoll

[Fisch]

You did not act too rashly. The way that you should probably look at this is almost as if Caty had a disease. Does she really care about you? Im sure she does. But she does not know how to treat people properly and those in her life are hurt because of her actions, and she doesnt seem to be able to stop. Maybe she harbored some bad feelings or maybe she is just reckless, either way there has to be a limit. Friends are supposed to be there at troubled times, but perhaps this friend actually creates more troubled times. Your story is really sad, and why shouldnt you miss her? Maybe you should just have limited your relationship with her instead of cutting it off completely as tricky as it may have been.

[Chinadoll]

Thanks for your advice Fisch. Yeah, that makes sense about Caty having a "disease"...She never really had much in the way of emotional or social intelligence...that was something I adressed in the letter I sent her. She just didn't understand the things one should or should not do to people. She seemed to have no boundaries at times. I don't wonder if she didn't have some emontional issues of some sort; she would develope very quick attatchments to people she didn't know very well. For example, if a friend of hers would introduce her to one of thier own friends or aqquaintances, she would kind of wind up intruding on their space...the day after she'd meet them, she'd find out where this person worked or hung out and haunt that person sometimes everyday, or find out thier phone number and call at all hours, ignoring this aqquaintances request to just "leave me alone- I don't even know you."

 

Another example would be there was this guy who went to both her high school and church...ONE, I'm telling ONE day, he decided to be nice to her (alot of people weren't). He talked to her or something, just casual shooting the breeze. And she attatched herself to him like a leach. She somehow got his number and called him everyday. or she would follow him to his favorite hangouts. He was polite at first, but told her that he didn't intend to be buddies, that he was just being nice that day. She didn't listen and pushed herself on him, and swore to me that they were going to wind up "together." This boy had a serious girlfriend, but Caty told me that she wanted him to break up with her and was going to try to "see that it happened, so that we can be together."

 

She began to scare me at times, with these...well, I guess the word would be stalkings...I hated to admit it, but she seemed to have a problem, already, before she was doing what she did to me.

 

But sometimes I just get the urge to pick up the phone, or email her and say "I wanna start over, I forgive you." There were some great things about her, she was always trying to take care of me, or look out for me in some way- and I think you're right, Fisch- she really did care about me. I was her closest friend. Of all the people that she clung to, she clung to me the hardest. She'd break down at even the suggestion of the end of our friendship. Every night at the end of our telephone conversations she'd say "You're my best friend, you know that right? I need you, I don't know what I'd do without you." That's what kept me with her so long, I guess.

 

But as for being able to only limit her contanct with me, instead of cutting her off completely...I don't think that would've worked. I mean, she was halfway accross the country, and she still managed to screw with my life and put me and my family in danger. I mean how much more limited could we have been?

 

That's what I'm afraid of: Me breaking down, and calling her, forgiving her, becoming friends again, and then I wind up in some kind of trouble again. I just don't think a limited friendship with Caty is possible. She gets too involved. I just don't know how to stop thinking about her, and missing her. I feel like I've lost a sister.

[Fisch]

I guess that is just the type of stuff life feels like it has to throw at us sometimes. I think you are right about limiting contact, I dont really see some shallow halfhearted relationship working. Ive known some toxic people in my life, some of them knew what they were doing but a lot have intentions that are not malicious. I consider myself to be very emotionally strong and able to accept and deal with people despite their faults. However, there is no reason that you should stay in a relationship of any sort when in order to help or be friends with someone you have to sacrifice your own well being and I have known people that although I really like them despite their faults I have accepted the fact that I need to eject them from my life for my own good.