What I Did Wrong- What We Can Do to Change/Improve.

[macgyver4ever]

I'm trying to transition to the "Healing After Break Up" Forum.

 

 

I spent the past several days with family, and had a lot of time to reflect on what went wrong in my relationship. We all know that my ex cheating on me 2 times is really what ended things, but people only cheat when there is something wrong with the relationship. So what did I do to contribute to the demise of my relationship?

 

I did some soul searching and saw somethings that made me very sad. I NEED to improve myself in these areas if I ever want to have a successful relationship and to be happy.

 

1) I can be Controlling

- I was never controlling in the beginning. When we were in college together, we had two separate lives, but once we graduated, she did not find a job, and moved home, and I moved to the suburbs and was working full-time. My life turned into hers, and we both started living only for the weekends when we saw each other. She always came over to stay with me, and my friends became hers. She abandoned her friends, and became extremely dependent on me. She could not make decisions on her own, and was always coming to me for help. I took on the role as "decision maker" for her, even though I did not want to, it made both of our lives easier (it seemed.)

When she finally got a job and started making friends, she became less reliant on me. Now when I helped her make decisions, she began to resent it, but did not tell me. All of the things I did not want her to do made her seek freedom. To her, I had turned into her parent, and that was the last thing she wanted, or I wanted.

 

2) I am Too Uptight

- I used to be the kind of person that had everything planned out. The weekends were planned out way in advance. I have my driving planned out so that I know which lane to be in at which time, and when things go wrong, I get upset. I get very frazzled, and stop having fun. When my ex cheated on me with my best friend the night before I was taking her to pick out her engagement ring (she didn't know) I was a mess. I had planned this HUGE engagement at the rim of the Grand Canyon and knew it would be the most romantic thing ever. Suddenly the engagement was off, our plans for the future were off, and I had lost my best friend and home.

 

3) I am Insecure- Lack of Confidence

- I was extremely confident and comfortable in our relationship until she broke up with me in September. After that, I was a shell of myself. I became a doormatt, and let her do whatever she wanted just so she wouldn't be anger. I would call, and if she wouldn't answer, I would keep calling. My imagination would get the best of me and I would be a mess until I heard from her. When she finally left me for the other guy, all I can think about is how much better than me he is, or better looking, and all of these other things. Why else would she be with him if he wasn't better than me? My confidence is low, and I really don't feel that attractive anymore.

 

4) I Lost Myself in the Relationship

- The person I used to be 3 years ago does not compare to the person I am now. I used to be fun, unique, and energetic. I am now an old man. I was living with roommates to save money for a ring, and thought the only way out of that situation was to get married. That was my solution to my problems. I grew up very fast, and as I said earlier, became more of a parent than a friend/boyfriend. I used to dress like no one had seen; fun, flashy, and trend forward. My ex turned me into a preppy, suburban dude. It seemed ok, because now I could wear the same clothes to the bar as I did to work, but I now realize that's not me.

 

5) I Loved Her Unconditionally

- Normally this is a good thing. Everyone wants to be loved unconditionally, and many of us never find someone who will do that. I know this is my ex's lost, because chances are she may never find it again. But here's the problem, when you love someone without conditions, it means there are "no boundaries". When she cheated on me with my roommate, last April, I took her back, and way too easily. When I found out she had feelings for another guy, I was so love struck and happy to have her back in my life, that I acted like I didn't care. When she started staying out with her "friends" 2-3 nights a week, and only seeing me for a few hours, I just tried to enjoy the time I had with her. What did she learn from this? That no matter what she does, I will always love her. This goes back to be being a doormat. She lost respect, it was too easy.

 

 

The purpose of the thread is to share our problems, and hopefully get some feedback on what we can do to improve our problems. If anyone has any books they could recommend, or websites, etc, I need the help.

 

I know many of the problems I have were actually my ex's problems. It is not my job to maintain her individuality, and the fact that she took advantage of my love is a huge flaw of hers, but the problem is I let it effect me, and our relationship. This was too good of a relationship to chalk up to experience, so I need to learn a lot from this or it will be a waste.

 

Please share your flaws, mistakes, and what you have learned. This will be a good reference for everyone.

[teagirl]

I feel like I'm going through something similar. I knew there was a big problem in the relationship when I no longer recognized myself.

 

I also became controlling, uptight, lacked confidence, loved him unconditionally and lost myself in the relationship. The thing is with friends and famiy I'm none of those things. That's when I knew something was very wrong.

 

After I broke up with him and decided to stop speaking to him, I started to read the book Codependent No More. It helped me a lot. I realized those characteristics that I exhibited in that relationship where a result of him being a sex addict. My response was a normal response to a situation that I felt was out of control. I learned I can only control my reaction, not him.

 

I've also learned no matter what happens or what relationship I'm in, I still have to make myself the priority. I can't use someone else's issues to avoid dealing with my own problems. That creates bigger problems. Sometimes it can be really easy to get wraped up in someone else's life instead of dealing with my own life and my own feelings about myself. I realize now the danger or that. I want better for myself and reading that book really helped me.

[macgyver4ever]

Thank you for the suggestion for the book. I will have to get it very soon!!

 

I don't think I was codependent until she cheated on me with my roommate. It was then where I had to make a decision, him or her, or in other words, me or us. When I picked her, I made an unknowing decision to stick with her no matter what. That made my life dependent on hers.

 

I can't wait to her other people's suggestions and examples.

[baddasslegend92]

How did u find out about her cheating with your best friend?

[macgyver4ever]

How did u find out about her cheating with your best friend?

 

My best friend/roommate and my ex had the same birthdate. They had a party, and unfortunately I was sick, and went to bed early. I woke up to her getting all snuggly with me, but she was all wet from crying. I confronted her about it and she said nothing was wrong and went to sleep. I tried to get her to go with me to the mall the next day (to pick out a ring) but she didn't want to go anywhere. The next week she kept telling me I was too good for her and she didn't deserve me, and then eventually broke down and told me that they were drunk and they "kissed". It was more like made out, and was probably more than that.

 

It was great that she was honest with me, but they were planning to hide it from me. The worst part of this is that a few days before this happened, I told my best friend/roommate I was going to propose, so HE KNEW!!!

 

She showed pure remorse. Lots of crying, begging, and promising. It seemed completely out of character, but if you look at her past, she had done this before. She uses alcohol as an excuse.

[This is Horrible]

the key is loving yourself first and foremost.

 

if you dont love yourself then there is no way you can possibly give your love to anyone else.

 

amcgyver- hang in there. it is still a fairly short time since your breakup and it is normal to feel all kinds of emotions. i still have my good days and bad days, but i will promise you that as long as you work on yourself and keep NC implemented the bad days will be fewer and further in between and your thoughts will be less consumed about your ex.

 

the two keys foe me have been strict NC and working on myself and my life has improved so much in the last 100 days. And to be honest, when the breakup first occurred, i thought life would never get better.

 

Use this time for you. Dont worry about jumping into another relationship. You are young and the relationship will be there when you are ready. Just use this time to work on you and everything else will fall into place.

 

Good Luck!

[pacopaco]

hey mac! long time i don't write you, or you me. man, you've a long way. I have always felt that when you know what it up with YOU, that's when you have the power to fix or keep it. Nice to see, you've developed your own tools, and means to fix things. Nothing like a little self realization, eh?

[pacopaco]

i'm in the same boat as you as far as #5 goes. Poeple do need lines in relationships that should not be crossed. I will not put up with a person calling me stupid, for example. I think unconditional love should be applied to children and self. Every other adult needs to know what limits are.

[teagirl]

Hey Mac!

 

I often think when I read people's posts on here that they are having some codependent issues going on. The basic definition of being codependent is allowing someone else behavior to impact and influence you and then seeking to control the other person's behavior. I have learned it can be a really normal reaction to a situation that I'm involved in that I feel is out of control.

 

I learned that I seek to gain control by trying to control someone else instead of myself. That's why NC is such a good thing. It allows the space to gain detach from the other person and gain control over yourself and your actions.

 

The biggest thing I have learned is I can never control another person or what they do, only myself.

 

It was a good book, but a bit painful to read.

[baddasslegend92]

Hey Mac!

 

I often think when I read people's posts on here that they are having some codependent issues going on. The basic definition of being codependent is allowing someone else behavior to impact and influence you and then seeking to control the other person's behavior. I have learned it can be a really normal reaction to a situation that I'm involved in that I feel is out of control.

 

I learned that I seek to gain control by trying to control someone else instead of myself. That's why NC is such a good thing. It allows the space to gain detach from the other person and gain control over yourself and your actions.

 

The biggest thing I have learned is I can never control another person or what they do, only myself.

 

It was a good book, but a bit painful to read.

 

so true!!!

[macgyver4ever]

Thanks for the advice and support everyone!!

 

As I have looked over this list and thought about it, I realized that a lot of MY problems were actually caused by her losing her independence, and it is not my job to maintain that. After graduating from college, my life moved fast, and she moved home. Her only escape was to stay with me on the weekends and she began living my life, and abandoned her own.

 

After cheating on me last April, she began to feel trapped in my life, and the guilty web she had woven. She began to seek her independence through drinking with her friends, and finding flaws in our relationship.

 

She took advantage of my unconditional love, and exploited me for being a forgiving person. She took my kindness as a weakness, and abused it. Her selfish actions will hopefully come back to haunt her as she will have to wonder the rest of her life how much better things would have been if she would have stayed with me.

 

I still need to work on these other things. I am uptight, and need to be more easy-going. I'm working on it, and it is going pretty well. I'm trying to do things outside my comfort zone and letting things slide more. My confidence will come with time.

[thelonelydoll]

I was on the other side of the "control" issue with this ex. I suppose my own part in it was that I was out of work for a good spell while we were together, and while it's not like he fully supported me financially, he did pay for most of the splurges - though in his case, there weren't many. He said from the first day I met him that he saw "no point in being the richest man in the graveyard" - but that was a smokescreen for one truly tightfisted Yorkshireman. And when I'm working, I earn far more then he does. So I guess what I would do to improve is 1) never be out of work, even for a little while and 2) never let them see you having any fun if you're temporarily not working.