Rebound Victim

[waitinvain]

Hello everyone,

 

I would just like to summarise a few things and see what you think? comments.

 

My ex split up with me six weeks ago. She had previously been in a bad 3 year relationship where the guy cheated on her. Yesterday she told me that it was her fault for getting in too deep too fast, and that she freaked out when she realised this. Then she split up with me and I bombarded her with messages because I felt so rejected ( a bad mistake ). She then said this "sealed the deal" and she decided she would never get back with me. She also said I had 100% scared her off and that we could now only ever be friends. She said my bombardment changed her view towards me as a possible future partner and totally put her off. She also told me yesterday that she is seeing another guy and has met him 3 times - that she's not looking for anything serious but she will probably continue to see him. She says he has also come out of a long term relationship with problems etc.

 

She said there was nothing wrong with my looks or personality and that she valued the time she spent with me.

 

I feel like she just rejected the situation after being on the rebound with her previous boyfriend. I feel as though she turned into a commitment phobic when she realised our relationship was serious and then ran from me like a child. She had to get away.

 

Clearly she is the one with issues here, not me. However, I was wrong to bombard her after the split. That was a mistake I'll never make again, I just felt crushed, humiliated and rejected at the time and I couldn't understand why she broke it up in the way she did without even trying to reconcile.

 

I clung on for six weeks to the hope she would change her mind and reconcile.

 

She still wants friendship though. She says that she wants to go out for a drink with me in a few weeks time.

 

Do you think that she is keeping me on the backburner so if this situation fizzles out or she later wants commitment, she can pick me up if she so desires?

 

She certainly didn't want to break all contact with me. She just doesn't want me pursuing her anymore so she has drummed the word "friendship" into my head and made sure of that by mentioning this other guy.

 

I am moving on now, but what do you think her motives are for retaining me as a friend? Why hasn't she completely cut me off and why does she still want to see me in person at some point?

 

In the back of her mind is she keeping me there to pick back up if she wants in the future?

 

I feel as though I did very little wrong in the relationship. I know she thought a lot of me, and it is the situation of commitment that she rejected. She couldn't handle it. She has emotional issues that i cannot begin to understand, but what a heartless way to finalise things. She never even gave me a chance.

 

Now she's moved on, but in a way she hasn't. She's seeing another guy but she has a problem with commitment.

 

All thoughts appreciated. Thanks for reading.

[jacobs]

this is the first topic i have ever read in this forum that totally pertains to my situation.the only difference is that until recently,i hung on for 8 months asking the same questions to myself of her motives.yes,,,it is a heartless and childish way to end things.she kept me on the backburner,saying friends only,and im seeing someone else etc etc.yet during this past 8 months when i would decide ive had enough of pursuing her.she would pop back into the picture and throw me a line and reel me back in.only to be played with emotionally once again.we have had sexual relations this past 8 months on a few occasions.and its all part of her keeping me there for her ego.she gets a power trip,and or feels good about herself having a fool around like me,that she knows (loved)her and would always be there for her.but thats finally over now,and its me now rejecting her.she doesnt want a relationship,or me.but she continues to call me or e mail me,or stop by to try and run her game on me and i dont play it anymore.my point is dont waste 8 months like me only to realise that all of her reasons and you needing to know why ,doesnt matter....i wish i would have quit when she quit on us.good luck.......

[faeriechyld]

Hello there,

I understand you are having issues with your ex girlfriend as to what her motives are.

I agree that she could be very well keeping you waiting just in case things don't work out. I think it's poor judgement on her part to jump back into the dating scene when she so obviously had you as a rebound, is this new guy next?

Now I have a very important question for you. Was this girl a friend of yours before you started dating? If so, then her desire to continue on as friends is more than likely a genuine one. However, if you were not friends before this relationship, I believe it may be a line just to keep you waiting for her. To keep you around in case she needs you.

My suggestion to you is, find out what you want. Do you want to continue being friends with her, all the while wondering what her other motives are? Or do you want to let go and move on since she has told you there is no possible hope for the future? Perhaps she is offering a true friendship, and if this is the case, you have to decide whether a friendship is something you can handle.

This is your decision as much, if not more so as hers. I suggest you figure out what is best for your interests. I hope this helped and best wishes.

[waitinvain]

 

 

Thanks for the reply ( and thanks to the guy in the post above who was in more or less exactly the same situation ). In answer to the question, she was not friends with me for very long before we started going out. We spoke for a couple of weeks before we decided to give things a go initially. I agree that it is a bad judgement call on her part to begin a new relationship with someone else. She says that she is not after anything serious, but if it does become serious then I doubt she will be able to handle it unless they take things very slowly. More than likely it will fizzle out eventually, because emotionally she's not ready for that kind of thing, in my opinion.

 

I have got to ask myself some hard questions. Despite how much I cared for her and loved her, I don't think it would be right to get back with her. Certainly not at the stage she is at now. She needs to grow emotionally to be able to cope with the trials and tribulations of a relationship. The new guy will feel like he is walking on eggshells if he upsets her, because she's emotionally fragile.

 

I know the best thing to do now is totally let go, but like the chap in the post above says, she may at some point in the future try to emotionally reel me back in. I don't know how I'd cope with that, so I need to set boundaries before I entertain friendship in the real sense of the word, as oppose to the suggestion that there is something more to it, if and when she changes her mind.

 

For now, and to help me get over this, I'm not going to initiate any communication. When she contacts me, I will reply politely yet briefly with no follow ups. My intention is to move on now.

 

The only thing I am undecided about is whether I can truly handle friendship with her. I think in the future I will probably be strong enough to do that, but I can't make the mistake of hanging on. I have to view it as a closed chapter.

 

I still think, however, that when such time comes that she is lonely or after commitment, if she has not yet found it, then she may view me as a viable option. What I don't want though, is to be used twice by the same person. I would not wish to go through this torment again. She did not split with me in a way that made me understand her predicament. Instead I was led to feel like the one at fault.

 

Now she's met this new guy she's admitted that she went in too deep too fast with me, and freaked out ( obviously at the fact she'd fallen for me and realising it was a serious commitment instead of a bit of fun ), but then blamed me for the way I behaved after SHE dumped ME. What a cheek !

 

She ran away from a committed relationship. How many more times will she go around in circles freaking out. It's almost like she wants to be wanted but then when she gets somebody committed to her she runs a mile.

 

I really hope I meet someone new and that I am strong enough in the future to reject anything more than friendship, when and if it is offered the second time around. I fear it would be a mistake unless she could demonstrate to me that commitment is not something she is going to run away from.

 

But in the meantime I must try and forget about the romantic element and move on/grow/meet somebody new that will appreciate me instead of playing me for a fool when they realise they can't handle a real involvement..