Should I have changed?

[Marilou26]

Hello dear people,

 

My s/o and I broke up recently. We were 800 kms apart.

I sometimes think I just do not understand men, and there were some communication issues. He started withdrawing after several wonderful weeks. That was really hard. But well, sometimes I think that if I would have understood his "guy" way of thinking, it might have worked.

I tried everything, I tried to give him space ( I could not do it), tried to talk, but he became more and more distant. He said he wanted to try, but needed space ( and this is LDR!). I thought he was breaking up, he said he was busy all the time. When I wanted to talk about our relationship he said he was busy, and kind of freaked out. It left me hurt, because I really needed to talk about it, because it made me so worried he was withdrawing. I know that guys need more space perhaps, I tried to rationalize it, but I needed more affection emotionally, and he stopped being sweet... I broke up with him, telling him to reconsider our relationship and think about whether he was ready or not for this. Then he broke up, saying it was too much, it stressed him out, and that he could not give me what I needed..

 

I am just thinking: what if I was a girl who could actually understand men? I am an emotional creature, and I am sure there was much misunderstanding over the phone. I am sure that he saw me as needy, while I am not that needy, I was just honest about my feelings, direct. All I asked is to discuss them as adults, our relationship. It is LDR, it takes effort and open commmunication. Now I think I might have been too hard on him, sometimes. I mean, he is a guy, perhaps he did not understand my issues and need for more affection? I tried understanding him better, reading books on men and women..( I am sure he did not do the same). We both talked about how we communicate differently. Perhaps he just did not understand my need for affection? Perhaps he was really not thinking about breaking up, but was really busy, and as a woman I interpreted that as a lack of interest?

Or should I just trust my gut feeling?

What if I just don't understand men...? I have not dated that many men before. And misread his behaviour? He said he likes me and wanted to give it a try, but only when we take things slowly and lightly ( this is LDR!). I said it was hard for me, because I would like some certainty, especially in a LDR. He said before he loved me, I met his family..and suddenly everything changed. He suddenly withdrew.

Do any men recognise this behaviour? I am worried that I am just not able to understand men, and that if I did we would be together. He is an honest guy, and perhaps I should believe him when he was so busy, and that it was nothing more. I have not heard from him at all, after he broke up. No word, nothing, not even as a response to my apology..

 

Thanks.

[daveygravey]

That doesn't sound like a "male" thing. I'm a guy and I don't act like that. I've met women who do.

 

I think it's just a lack of communication, nothing to do with being able to get in guys' heads.

[Marilou26]

So you think it is just a personality thing?

[daveygravey]

Yeah a personality thing maybe. It's a conflict of some sort. I couldn't honestly say.

 

But I don't think you should beat yourself up over the male/female thing. Relationships would be so much easier if we knew how the opposite sex thought. It's not that easy though, which is why we're all on this website looking for answers!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

This behaviour is not a "guy thing" it is the "wrong guy thing"...it is the thing that emotionally unavailable guys (and women) do. It is the emotional unavailability, inability to communicate and push pull syndrome that causes the partner to feel insecure and needy. This is HIS problem, not yours. Don't beat yourself up over it. He is not worth it. There are other men out there who will make sure you feel wanted and respected.

[Marilou26]

Sometimes I thought he was like that too..but he has done nice things for me.

Some days I think I am over this, but then I end up obsessing about it.

I mean: he tried, no? Why can I not just let it go? It is not that I am crazy about him anymore...

Perhaps I should just learn that there will be a guy who likes me for ME, even thoughI am not perfect. I am just so disappointed, we were so close..

I do not understand how intelligent people can suddenly change their behaviour this way.

[Marilou26]

I was so strong before, when we met :sad:

Now I feel all is my fault. I have given myself for a 100%. He said he could not give me what I need, and that it is over. Do I ask for too much?

Now I am wondering if I asked for too much...And even when I "let him go", I did the right thing at the time. It seems he took it as a chance to leave.

And I have no idea what I did wrong...really..I am a nice woman..:sad:

 

I do not want to feel this down. I just want to make sure I have done the right thing. I know I do not want him back, but I also want to udnerstand his point of view.

 

Is saying: "I cannot give you what you need", "perhaps I am not the right guy for you", genuinely meant, or an easy way out, trying not to hurt me?

[RayKay]

You know, just because someone does not want to continue a relationship it does not mean it is because there is something wrong with you automatically; stop beating yourself up over it.

 

Many of us will go through many breakups before we meet someone with whom both of us are in it together, and committed to it together.

 

 

How long were you dating for?