What is this??

[amy99roo]

The more input the better!!

 

Dated guy from April until September of last year. Casual at first, got more serious in July. I fell in love. End of August I had precancerous cells on cervix...expressed to him my fears, from here things pretty much fell apart. We broke up mid-September. He pushed me away and I said the words.

I had my surgery start of October and let him know everything was ok. From here he agrees to 'talk'. Ends up not calling me back when the time comes - he doesn't want to give me the 'wrong idea'. I force him to talk and give me some closure. No straight answers, just loving, kissing, etc. I get upset next day, he tells me breakup might not be permanent. I tell him I'd like to be friends but need some time to heal. He calls 2 weeks later, wants to get together but not 'give me the wrong idea'. Same story, kissing, loving, etc. I get confused again and get upset. No contact for a month.

I call him over Thanksgiving because I was missing him. We get together. I tell him I miss him. We go out to eat, he talks about marriage with me, his parents always ask about me, etc. I ask if we can be friends and see what happens. He agrees. I call him a few days later and he has decided he is '99%' sure we will never date again. Huh?

I decide I can try to be friends and we go out to eat a week later. He talks about other women with me, etc. I realize this isn't going to work, too fresh. I basically had an emotional meltdown. He doesn't understand and gets irritated with me. We leave on bad terms.

We see each other over Xmas, spend the weekend together. I thought we had a great time. Next day am on my way to shop, pass by adjacent street and surprise, he's got a girl over. I am a mess, don't understand.

I flip out and don't talk until end of January. I ask him how he's doing, if he's dating, etc. He says he's not, he says he's missing me, etc. I find out he is dating someone, same girl from Xmas. I flip out mid February. I do the whole begging, what does she have that I don't thing, am mean, cry, etc. I had been like a time bomb for months over this guy. We don't talk again until Friday.

 

I have been extremely emotional and upset over this. He made lots of promises to me and I feel like he kept a carrot in front of my nose. He sees it as he cares about me and wanted to make sure I was okay. That is very nice, but if that were true would he have been kissing and affectionate when I was obviously getting more and more confused and upset? He told me that he didn't want me to be alone on Xmas (I was with family). And wanted me to be happy. However, he initiated loving, affection, kissing, when I told him not to do that because it confused me and messed my emotions up. It seems to me that HE didn't want to be alone on Xmas; he said he didn't want to spend Xmas with new girlfriend because he didn't want to get someone a gift when they just met. (He tells me this in January).

So fast forward to now, he calls on Friday, he knows how I feel about him. My feelings haven't gone away because every time they begin to subside I see him or talk to him and they come right back. I feel like I lost a ton of self-respect over this and am now so thoroughly confused with what he had been doing that I have no idea what to believe.

 

On Friday he tells me we broke up because he started looking at other women; he has a wandering eye. Also, apparently, I made him do things he didn't want to do and he is selfish. He tells me he will get confused about his feelings if he talks to me and dates her. He refers to conversations he and I had over the summer, talks about ex-fiance and his feelings. He likes that I care about him. I ask him if he still has feelings for me, he says he does but that they are now feelings that he wants me to be okay. I tell him I am exhausted from chasing him and he tells me he liked when 'I played hard to get' when we first met; that the chasing hasn't been attractive (no kidding). I never played hard to get, I just didn't know whether or not I liked him and wanted to continue dating him. He tells me I haven't been laid back lately...(That HAS to be some kind of JOKE). He tells me he'll call me April 1st. (This time frame has been a theme, as he needs 2 weeks to decide to date, be friends, talk, take a break, etc).

 

Men: please interpret!!

 

Also, I still have very big feelings for this guy. Not sure if after all of this I could trust a thing he says or ever really be secure with how he feels. I have not behaved like a saint, and probably WANTED to believe what he had said; however, I felt I had no reason not to trust him. We didn't fight and I communicated, he wasn't so great at it.

 

He is non-confrontational, only child, a bit immature (30 years old), and doesn't have much in terms of goals.

 

He still maintains he does not play games; he didn't lead me on because we weren't having sex. He's not good at relationships, etc. It sure seems like games to me and I have called him on it and he gets angry with me and accuses me of not 'letting it go'. He doesn't understand how what he did was misleading. Am I crazy or is the kissing and affection misleading??

I think he gets an ego boost that I'm out here thinking about him. That he's got 2 women who want his affection. For example, when we talked he says he saw me drive by his house a couple of days ago...which I did and do not. I told him he was mistaken and that I don't care to know what he's doing. He actually seemed DISAPPOINTED. Is that normal???

 

The problem I'm having is that he kept hinting that there would be more if I just took the pressure off. Still thoroughly confused and reading into everything he said. Still don't know what to believe. I feel like I am the one who messed up!?

 

Am I missing something here? Please help!!

[JoeWho]

This guy is stringing you along. What you have to do is go NC (no contact) with him. You deserve so much more then the crumbs that he is giving you.

 

He clearly is not capable of being in a serious relationship and only wants to have you around when it suits him. He is confusing you and giving you mixed signals all so he can have you around when he needs you to be there.

 

It is really up to you as to how much longer you have to be in pain. Once you establish no contact, you will begin to feel much better.

[karvala]

This guy is the original flake. He's like a walking advert for NC. Please, do yourself a favour, go NC as JoeWho says. As you've said, your feelings begin to subside, then you talk to him, and right back they come, and you feel worse. So don't talk to him anymore. You're not going to get the carrott (if he really wanted to be with you, he would have done so by now), and trust me, it doesn't taste half as nice as you think it does anyway. Find someone who won't waste your time.

[sweetharmony]

Please initiate NC, as it appears this guy is having his cake and eating it too. it sounds as though he wants to be with you at his convenience and also plays games with the other girl, as well. from the sound of it, this man sounds very immature and selfish, you say he has no goals, He pulls away when you are having surgery, he lies to you about having a gf, he spends x-mas with you.. because he does not want to get a gift for his new girlfriend? it doesn't sounds like man who knows what he wants, or how to treat people. you deserve much better. good luck, i hope that you are able to heal and move past this and find someone who truly cares about you and wants to treat you well.