Help please, falling in love with friend's ex.

[pi_anochik]

Oy...I like my best friends ex-boyfriend. She's cool with it, in fact, she supports my feelings because she wants him to get over her. The thing is, he's still pretty hung up on her! It hurts so bad when he comes up and hugs her and looks so sad that she just doesn't FEEL that way about him anymore. I can't stand it because I like him so much, but he still likes her. I'd love to be his shoulder to cry on, and so many people ask me if we're dating because we spend time together and he hugs me (And not just loose little hugs, he hugs pretty close) He's told several people that he thinks I'm cool, yet still, around her he's acts like her puppy and she can't stand it and has told him that there is NO chance of them getting back together. So basically, when I'm with him alone he acts like he likes me, but if you mix her in he gets lovesick for her. I don't know how to read his signals, and I don't know what to do about my feelings. They've been broken up for months, it's time for him to get over her, and I like him so much! Even if he doesn't want to go out with me, I just want him to get over HER so that he'll be HAPPY! (though him going out with me would make me one of the happiest and LUCKIEST girls on the planet) I don't know what to do about the situation. If anyone would like to offer advice, I'd be happy to hear what you have to say.[/i]

[Gilgamesh]

that is a difficult situation, even though you say anything is ok, what you really want is for him to see what a great gal you are. and of course you really want him to be with you because he really wants you, and not because he wants to get close to his ex.

 

there are two things you really need to be careful with,

 

1) The rebound, he starts being with you because he is hurt, but because he didnt heal after his breakup has issues that really prevent him from making a solid connection with you.

 

2) Dont be his therapist, by being the shoulder to cry on, he will associate you with her, (I think its to late for this one) in that it will be hard for him to get over her, because you remind him of her all the time.

 

The really best thing that could happen is that your girlfriend finds another guy, then her ex might give up.

 

Once he finally realizes its over he will hurt real bad, do be tempted to be that shoulder, keep away, you can talk and stuff, but keep it simple. after time has passed and you feel he is completely over her, then maybe you can become more a part of his life. this could take months you know.

 

Right now he doesnt see you, your just a connection to his Ex . thats all he sees, he is blind, his heart is shut off to the world, his Ex is all that matters, dont even try now or you will probably ruin any chance later on of having something lasting with him. You may not care if he uses you, to get back to her, but wouldnt you prefer to have him actually want you?

[pi_anochik]

Thanks for replying. Also, I just found out yesterday evening that now she IS going out with someone new.

 

The thing that does give me hope about me not just being his connection to his ex is that when I'm hanging out with him, he doesn't start talking about her and he doesn't ask me questions about her.

 

You're right, I DO want him to want to be with me because he truly likes me, but I'm really one of those people who is very insecure and always wonders if people truly like me...that affects my relationships with people a lot.

[Gilgamesh]

Well the good thing is that you see those areas that need improving, and thats a good thing.

 

good luck, I hope he wakes up and sees what a great gal you are. and by the way, you are a very special person, dont forget that.