Need guy's advice--confusing ex-b/f

[Dal]

Hey guys,

 

I need you males out there to tell me what my ex-boyfriend is thinking. I posted a little while ago regarding the break-up in general--check it out at link removed . Basically, my boyfriend of 9 months broke up with me out of the blue by saying he didn't think he could be in a relationship right now, not sure if he could commit, needed space, etc. He had also previously commented that we needed to both me vulnerable in order to move into the 'next phase of our relationship' and didn't think I was in love with him. This was 3.5 weeks ago. So here's the deal:

 

Since the break-up, he has been the one to consistently e-mail me, text message me, call me, and make requests to get together. I have not made the initiative *at all* and have only responded whenever e-mailed, etc. Not more than 2 days goes by without receiving some kind of contact from him, usually in the form of an e-mail or text asking me how I'm doing and updating me on his daily activities, etc. 2 weeks after the break-up he layed out his schedule in an e-mail and asked if I wanted to get together for an activity or two the following week. We had dinner, and during dinner he was making future plans, i.e. shopping trips, museum outtings, coming over to fix my computer. So my question is, what are his intentions and how should I deal with an ex that wanted his space but is not taking it? Is he still interested? I need guys' opinions!

 

~Dal

[dizzydance]

It sounds to me as if he loves you. Whatever space you gave him was enough and he realizes he wants you back. Sometimes guys ask for space just to see if he will get it, never fully intending on taking it. I hope this helps. Contact me if you'd like. Good luck - DizzyDance

[MartyMan]

I agree. I know that I fought for my space, and when I got it, it wasn't as great as I had thought it would be.

 

He wants you back.

[Dal]

Hi MartyMan, dizzydance,

 

Thanks for your comments. So you both think he wants me back? I've just been trying to make sense of all his consistent communication. I've been playing it cool, giving him his space, and have the attitude that if he wants something more, he'll take action, but is that the right move?

 

Tell me what you think: I'm thinking of asking to get together with him for coffee or dinner at the end of this week or next week and telling him how much I miss him and am in love with him. I would make it clear that I don't need a response from him and that I just wanted to make that clear to him (because I don't think I've done a good enough job of it). Do you think that will scare him away and add pressure, or make him happy? Please be honest, because I need to decide what to do.

 

Thanks,

Dal

[Nifty_Swifty1]

I think you need to go after him. Me being the kind of guy that likes the woman I love to throw her self at me would like to be able to sujest that, but I can't tell you to do that. That would scare most guys, but go as quickly as you can and give him as much as you can, but watch his body language and and pay atention to what he says (and more importiantly what he dosn't say). He'll show you if he thinks its too much, you just have to know what to look for. I don't know your guy that much but watch his posture. Most guys will keep your direction if its what they want and will start to move or leen away from you when they are indifrent. If you go too overbord you might scare him, or make him think that you are makeing a half hearted desishion based only on the moment. I think he's wanting this to last forever if you get back to gether. If he ever thinks he sees you moveing away again things are going to get really messey really fast. He won't make the right choice if he gets nervice so if he does something stupid give him a break..... I guess thats kinda me talking about my curent situation.... sorry

 

Keep me posted on how you two are doing. I kinda have a persional intrest in what happenes.

[chedchase]

Dal,

 

Let me start off my advice and thoughts with a rhetorical question for you.

 

What normally happens when two people break up? Well, depending on the situation and how the breakup was taken by one or both people, it's hard to think of one exact way. However, normally when people break up with one another there is sadness, feeling of being alone, etc. and usually if it was the intent to move on to better things, contact with that person would be limited...or in a very aquintance style.

 

This guy has not limited his contact with you at all. Which should tell you all you need to know in reference to where his feelings are.

 

It's a pretty common thing, I think, for a guy to ask for space. As a 23 year old and a Senior in College, I can tell you that it's hard being in a relationship that escalates to a serious level. We like to be free and without anything holding us back. But, then, we meet someone and fall in love with them and then we question if this is what we want and if the timing is right for it. (don't take offense to guys that do this, it's just a thought process)

 

You'll never hear your guy confess to that, but as a person that is in his exact shoes, I can tell you this is exactly what's going on in my opinion.

 

Puts you in a tough spot, really, because what are you supposed to do? Go out with him have fun but you're always wondering what he is thinking: Is this a friendship building or does he want me back?

 

This can't be a lot of fun. I know it isn't.

 

When you give guys space, we think a lot. I think women have the power to think on their feet, multi-tasked...maybe it's a question of maturity, I really don't know, but it's different than men. You've given him space to do his thing and where is he now? Calling you and trying to make contact with you any way he can. Dal, does this sound like he has moved on? If he has, he's not right in the head to be playing games like this and you're better off without him.

 

But, I don't think that's the situation here. He loves you. He took time to figure that out and now he's ready to prove that to you. I would suggest bringing up why he needed space and now he wants to see you and talk all the time..but, I will caution you, although he is acting like this and although I know he's trying to get back in your life, he might not fully be ready to accept it yet. So, bringing it up might catch him off guard and he might act strange.

 

If it kills you to know what he is thinking, then ask. Otherwise, take our advice here that this guy wants you back and let things fall where they may. Let him do the contacting until his feelings become more obvious to you (he says something referring to his feelings, I mean).

 

Another idea is to not contact him for a day, see how he reacts. If he calls you, don't pick up and don't call him back. It seems immature, but hey, this guy wanted space and you have that as an excuse. If he asks you why you didn't answer or respond, this would be the perfect time to bring up the question of "hey you wanted space so I am trying to give it to you...but you are confusing me because you call, e-mail all the time. What am I supposed to think?" It's a big risk to take, but if you would feel better knowing-it's a risk worth taking.

 

I don't think you have anything to worry about. He wants you back. He wanted to have time away, so I think you should let him take control of getting you back...don't make it seem like you are ready to fall in his lap though...make him work and his feelings will be more obvious to him as well as you and the chances of this "I need space" thing happening again would be less.

 

Ched. [/b]

[dizzydance]

Sweetheart, do yourself a favor and take him back. You want to and it looks like he wants you to. If he doesn't want you to, he will make it clear, but it is clear to me right now that he does. If it turns out that he is playing around with you. You will know the truth if you tell him how you feel.

 

Did you complain to him and ask him to do a thing or two differently, that he could've fixed while you were away? Just a thought, I would never walk away from someone I loved without NEEDING to fix things or look things over.

 

BTW, thanks for the PM. I'll be happy to check back more.

[dizzydance]

If you go with him (I'd go with coffee, its less formal and is easier to talk over) don't tell him how much you need / love him. Ask him if he's happy with his space, because you feel as if he loves you. That way, you're not trapped and neither is he. Ask him if there's anything you can do to make him feel more comfortable in the relationship. Kind of dance around it but give him the opportunity to spill the beans about how he feels (that's the only way you'll find out, because it sounds to me as if this guy is a feelings-balled-up-inside type). THEN you can lay yourself on the line.

[Dal]

Hi Ched,

 

Thanks for your reply, I really appreciate it. I want to respond to all your points. Firstly, with regards to your rhetorical question, yes, you're right, when you want to move on to better things, you don't keep on contacting the person you broke up with. So that, of course, makes me feel better.

 

My guy is 23 as well, so I think that's why you have such a good insight into all of this. Like you said, he definitely feels like he doesn't want anything to hold him back and is doubting whether the timing is right for the two of us. He mentioned how he didn't want to have doubts, and thus needed space away from the relationship to think about things. Now I've given him his space but he's not taking it, so you're right, he hasn't moved on, but is that because he's confused or because he just wants to keep me close until something better comes along? I'm afraid of that.

 

But I can tell you this: since both you and DizzyDance posted, he has already suggested getting together on two occasions. Yesterday it was one activity (a group activity with his friends...weird) and today it was a one-on-one activity. All via e-mail. I know you want me to play it cool and have him come back to me, but knowing him like I do, I'm concerned that he might think I don't miss him as much, due to my lack of initiative with regards to communication, making plans to get together, etc. I'm really not sure how I want to handle it, but my guess is that I'll see him this weekend, after which I will surely update you. Thanks for the advice.

 

~Dal

[Dal]

Hey DizzyDance,

 

Thanks for taking the time to comment on my situation again. I think my guy's latest actions with regards to consistent communication should maybe be attributed to him simply missing me as opposed to wanting to get back together, but you may be right in thinking it's the latter. I can't lie though--it obviously makes me feel good. After all, it shows he's thinking about me. Like I mentioned in my previous post (response to ChedChase), since I last posted, he has contacted me twice via e-mail with regards to getting together. Both have been casual, but if he really wanted time apart and didn't have feelings for me any more, I guess he wouldn't do that. I hope he's doing these things because he's realizing how much he misses "us" and not because there's nothing better around at the moment.

 

With regards to your question, no, I didn't complain to him and ask him to do a few things differently. He was the one who broke up with me, so he was the one with the complaints. But he obviously knew that he needed to fix a few things about himself (mostly in his head!) before continuing with this relationship.

 

With regards to our next encounter, I'm not sure what we'll do or where we'll go, but I think I'm going to stay clear of any questions directed toward him about how he's enjoying his "space." I think that would corner him too much and create awkwardness. But I'm going to take the rest of your advice and take cues from him and then see if it's time to lay myself on the line. It will probably be a game-time decision, but I think I pretty much have to do it soon, because the more I wait, the more he'll probably think, 'hey, since she's not mentioning anything about missing me/wanting me, then I guess she didn't care that much after all and I was right all along.' In case I haven't made it clear, I think he really thought I wasn't as into this relationship as he was. That's why telling him my true feelings has been an obsession of mine as of late.

 

I think I'll see him this weekend (since he has suggested getting together again), so I'll keep you posted. Thanks so much again for the support.

 

~Dal