Why do men do this

[hennypenny3288]

You pull away from them to give them space and then they take more and turn the tables on you? That's not how it supposed to happen. You pull away and give them space. They are supposed to APPRECIATE you for it, not turn around and pull away even more and curtail more of your time together. That is just not right. Don't the advice places always say, "give your guy space and they'll appreciate you for it". That's bull.

[ImThatGirl]

Oh, Henny. I'm so worried about you.

[hennypenny3288]

Why are you worried about me? I am trying to understand how men work. People on here all advocate giving a guy space, that "Men go into their caves" routine, and that the guy will be appreciative of you for doing that. That's bull. You give a guy space. They take a mile.

[TheFoglifter]

Without more context, there is nowhere near enough evidence to opine in your favor.

 

Women have the same problem -- if you do a nice thing for a woman once, she'll want it again and again and again. Surprising her with a nice dinner or doing extra chores can very quickly result in them being another obligation that a man gets crapped on for not fulfilling, yet goes expected and completely unappreciated everytime he works his butt off to do it.

 

There is absolutely no question that men LOVE low maintenance girls. It is true that if you give a man space, he'll appreciate you for it.

 

What is confusing is that you used the term "pull away". To me, pull away does not mean give space, it means withdraw in a negative light. If you pull away, he could have any number of reactions. He could think "uh oh, she's going to feel neglected" and he could cling tighter. OR, he could think "oh she's trying to cast me off, fine to hell with her".

 

I would love to hear you elaborate on HOW you gave a guy space. Lets say he wanted to have a guys night out. Would your reaction be "sounds like fun, I'll see you another day" or would it be more like "fine, go, whatever". There is a world of difference.

 

My gf is high maintenance, but does give me space -- those two things are different as well. I give a high level of care and attention, but I am also able to take space when I need it. I'm curious exactly what you want and how you are trying to accomplish it.

[elithepi]

Did he ask for space or are you just doing this out of the blue because of some advice you read?

Play it cool and be yourself.

If he asks for space, be cool and say ok and make some plans for yourself.

[hennypenny3288]

Ok. You like a guy. The guy doesn't like you like that but was ok to having a fling with you. You want more. Guy doesn't. You pull away to give guy space and do other things in your life to get busier. Guy takes the space and runs with it and turns the table on you and cuts down spending time with you. That's not cool.

[elithepi]

And everything foglifter said...

[ImThatGirl]

Why are you worried about me? I am trying to understand how men work. People on here all advocate giving a guy space, that "Men go into their caves" routine, and that the guy will be appreciative of you for doing that. That's bull. You give a guy space. They take a mile.

 

We don't necessarily advocate any one action for every situation.

 

Sure, giving a guy (or girl) space is helpful during certain situations.

 

But that certainly shouldn't be mistaken as a guarantee "If you make him miss you, he'll run your way."

 

Look at all the pieces of your experience with him, Henny. Stay strong. Self evaluate and be true to yourself and what you determine. Some things are black and white if we don't allow ourselves to have gray areas. (Don't make excuses or justify things that would be clear without the excuses and justifications. Then I think you'll understand the picture more clearly and be able to heal.)

[elithepi]

If the guy doesn't like you like that then it's futile for you to like him like that.

If you don't want to get hurt, stop seeing the guy....he just wants a fling.

You seem to know this.

You are not going to get what you want.

[TheFoglifter]

Whoa... that changes everything.

 

As soon as you said that he doesn't like you that way, and that you want more but he doesn't, you completely changed the game.

 

Now it sounds to me like the guy who has already made it clear he doesn't like you that way is thankful for the out, and doesn't want to spend too much time with you knowing that you want more than he does.

 

What would be accomplished by him spending more time with you? What if your feelings grow and his do not -- then you will say how guys are dishonest and lead a girl on and on and on when they are obviously not interested.

 

...and what if you DO "convince him" to have more. Now you have no power at all because you ignored his rejection so many times. He could get you to do anything under threat of walking away.

 

Now you have time to find someone who will like you for you.

[SeaBisquit]

i think most men are cowards and are looking for the easy way out. they can't just come out and say what it is that they really want.... they like to play games.

[TheFoglifter]

... think most men are cowards and are looking for the easy way out. they can't just come out and say what it is that they really want.... they like to play games."

 

Based on the original poster, it seems the guy has already made his feelings clear enough. She KNOWS he doesn't want the kind of relationship that she wants.

 

Let me turn the tables SeaBiscuit, how do you handle a man who keeps chasing you after you've made it clear you are not interested in a relationship? Same issue at hand, just a gender reversal.

[SeaBisquit]

foglifter, i don't play games i say it straight up... either it is or it isn't.

 

i would say i had a nice time with him but that it just wasn't going to work out. it he kept on chasing i would tell him he was waisting his time.

[elithepi]

... think most men are cowards and are looking for the easy way out. they can't just come out and say what it is that they really want.... they like to play games."

 

Based on the original poster, it seems the guy has already made his feelings clear enough. She KNOWS he doesn't want the kind of relationship that she wants.

 

Let me turn the tables SeaBiscuit, how do you handle a man who keeps chasing you after you've made it clear you are not interested in a relationship? Same issue at hand, just a gender reversal.

 

Yeah, generalizations suck.

It's not just men, it's people and their individual decisions.

And, it does seem the dude did make it clear he didn't want more than a fling if the poster is saying this.

[ImThatGirl]

i think most men are cowards and are looking for the easy way out. they can't just come out and say what it is that they really want.... they like to play games.

 

 

Do you want him to post a billboard stating what he wants or does not want?

 

Yes, it would be wonderful if everyone could just point blank state their wants and desires.

 

But sometimes, they don't. However he has told you by his actions and some of his words that he isn't interested.

 

It wasn't long ago that you posted how you felt content with taking whatever you could get from him because you wanted to be with him so badly.

 

This has been going on for months. You have accepted it - taking less than what you deserve and only what he was willing to offer. You need to take some responsibility in this.

[SeaBisquit]

i wasn't trying to make any generilizations. i'm just a girl that got played by alot of guys... there is not easy way to tell someone you are not into them and there is no reason to be mean about it.

[Lady Bugg]

If this is the same person Henny has posted on before....then I think it seems like a lost cause. Sorry Henny. You cannot WILL someone to have the same feelings as you. Have you ASKED him if he is interested in anything serious?

O r are you making assumptions based on his reactions?

[elithepi]

I think hennypenny should free herself from this person and discover what she wants and what she doesn't want.

She doesn't like this, so that's one for the ol' book of knowledge.

A red flag to remember.

 

Always remember henny, a relationship is a two way street.

One person can't do all the work.

It takes two.

[SeaBisquit]

i think this guy knew he didn't want a relationship from the beginning and should have said sooo.

[elithepi]

i wasn't trying to make any generilizations. i'm just a girl that got played by alot of guys... there is not easy way to tell someone you are not into them and there is no reason to be mean about it.

 

Sorry that a lot of guys did you wrong but don't make those twerps paint the whole picture of the male species for you.

 

I know, a lot of male have been jerks and have caused a lot of wars and death and greed.

 

Sorry...

[elithepi]

i think this guy knew he didn't want a relationship from the beginning and should have said sooo.

 

yep. I agree.

I was just in a relationship and after a year and a half, I was told she never wanted a relationship.

I was left wandering why she never stopped it any sooner before I got so much invested in it.

 

Henny,

go find you a cool, good man that wants his space WITH you.

[hennypenny3288]

The guy always said that relationship was a possibility and in the beginning, when I pulled away once, he chased me hard. This was in the beginning when I had doubts. He proved his worth to me but, with time, I sensed changes in him, like he liked someone else, wanted to leave. We talked. He said things were the same, he still cared about me and wanted to be in my life always. The subtle winds of change were there so I gave him space. Instead of him apprecating the space, he took it and ran with it and turned the tables on ME!!!!!!!

 

Heck if I am going to be nice to someone the next time around.

[SeaBisquit]

what do you mean exactly be he turned the tables on you?

[elithepi]

 

Heck if I am going to be nice to someone the next time around.

 

Let it flow the next time around.

You are suppose to be friends with you SO, not enemies.

 

But be nice to yourself right now and let this person go...Believe me, I know it's hard.

 

There will be lots of other people out there.

[hennypenny3288]

he pulled a fast one and wanted space from ME, like he just took the space I gave him, to find another person and leave me behind in the dust with just a friendship.