I'm not shy. I've had girlfriends, but I have a problem.

[Vinny]

I suppose the title sums it up. I'm a 23 year old male. I have had two, and only two relationships in my life, and both have been serious. Both ended due to the girls wanting to be single in college. I've dealt with that. However, I still have a problem meeting new women! It doesn't have to do with criteria. I've met plenty of girls that have become good friends. I have no trouble talking to new people, and becoming friendly with them. I started a new job in August of '06 which actually gave me a whole new pool of people to meet, and I've made tons of friends, both male and female. I'm a very open and talkative person, and am well liked by just about everyone. These are the good things that I recognize about myself. If it sounds arrogant, I'm sorry, I just feel like I should acknowledge my strong points.

 

I suppose I should give a little background as I feel this has a lot to do with my current attitude. I never had a girlfriend, or any semblance of one, until after I had graduated high school. In high school, I was extremely introverted and shy, barely talked to anyone, and had few good friends. I did not even go to my proms because I was too nervous to ask anyone. So, you can see how my innate personality was in the past. I finally met someone who was interested in me, and she changed me. After that, I was much more open, not just to women, but to everyone. I feel like I am me now, rather than the scared child I was in high school.

 

Unfortunately, I recognize that some of this trait is still left in me, and I cannot overcome it. Sure, I've had two girlfriends, but both have expressed visible interest in me, and I didn't have the guts to say or do anything until I realized this for sure. I will admit I have a fear of rejection. This is the problem I cannot get over. I've been interested in other women, but if I don't see an obvious reciprocation, I'm afraid to do anything about it. Sometimes I feel like just waiting around forever until someone comes to me, until I realize how stupid that is. I have a good friend at work that is very interested in me as of right now. She's gorgeous, and I love being with her, but unfortunately, I could not bear to actually *date* her because of her personality and troubles with ex-boyfriends. I guess that's beside the point. What this made me realize, though, is that I am not unattractive to women. I'm no perfect specimen, physically or personality wise, but I know I have at least something to offer a person.

 

Even though I realize all of this, I am still deathly afraid to pursue anything with a girl unless I absolutely know she is going to approve. It's causing me huge problems, because, while being single is fine, I would love to have a special person in my life. It's my fault and no one else's, but I do NOT know how to get over this problem. I've been trying for a long time now, and even though I can clearly see what is wrong, I don't have the willpower to overcome it.

 

I guess what I would like to know is, has anyone else been in this situation, and what did you do? Even if you haven't, some friendly advice is always appreciated. I'm sorry for my long-winded post, I just needed to get a lot of this out to unbiased individuals. My friends just keep trying to hook me up with people, which does not solve the innate problem.

 

Thanks

[Suesser Tod]

Everybody is afraid of rejection. That is a fact.

 

 

You have to understand that the more times you try it, and the more times you get rejected, you increase your chances of not getting rejected.

 

As for how to handle the actual rejection, well, I gess you get over it after you crash and burn several times. You learn that if she rejected you, then likely she was not the right person for you, and saved you from a lot of trouble.

 

 

What got me to that point, where I rather be rejected than wait forever, was a girl that got tired of waiting, and found someone else. That girl wanted to be with me, she was honest about that back then, and now after her divorce, but I screwed up because I was afraid of being rejected.

 

So I didn't missed that oportunity because she rejected me, I rejected myself from that relationship by not doing anything.

 

That is in the past, now I think it wouldn't have worked, and as of now, I do not want to be with her (even after she asked me), but back then... Oh God, I would have given my life for her.

 

I can tell you that hurt MUCH MORE than being rejected, took me several months to get over that (maybe years).

[spunkmaster]

First off...beauty IS in the eye of the beholder, no matter what you think! I've had this drilled into my head by many people, and I've finally come to believe it. Even if you think you aren't overly attractive (which I'm sure you are!) that's not the only thing that attracts women. I personally love a guy who is witty and can make me laugh. Sense of humor is definitely in my top 3 criteria when looking for a guy.

 

Another problem it sounds like you may have: getting "friend zoned." If that is the case, you need to pinpoint what it is you do that lands you there. Maybe that can be traced back to your shy trait! So...you need to learn to be a bit more aggressive. Go after what you want. Yeah, rejection sucks, not gonna lie. Sometimes, you gotta lose some to win some.

 

Don't you think it'd be worth it in the end?

 

 

PS-From one shy person to another, blind dates can be rather awkward, so that's obviously not the best route to go! But be sure to thank your friends for their efforts!

[Vinny]

I definitely have the "friend zone" problem. I can almost laugh about it.. it's not such a bad thing, I've made a lot of close friends, but I'm glad you pointed that out. I do have trouble making that leap.

 

I am a 50/50 person when it comes to confidence. I know that I have a clever and unique sense of humor, and I know that I'm attractive from a personality standpoint. I'm happy, at least, that I can say this about myself. My problem, though is, physical. I don't think I'm ugly, nor do I think I'm attractive. I know beauty is in the eye of the beholder and everyone sees things differently, but since physical attraction is a part of starting off a possible relationship (Regardless of what some may say), I like to know where I stand. I've really never had anyone tell me what they think of me in that regard. I've heard, "you're a sweetheart", "you're so funny" and every manner of other thing that just makes me feel more in that "friend zone" you mention. Am I unattractive? link removed Anyone! Men, women, be completely honest. You're not hurting my feelings if you say I am, because, like I said, I haven't been able to sway my mind to think either way.

[friscodj]

Hey Vinny-

 

I would venture to say that everyone has some fear of rejection my friend. This is normal and actually helpful in a few aspects I think.

 

First, it can certainly keep you out of trouble. It often leads to an excuse to rationalize and in some (many?) cases in light of your hormonally-driven romantic desires might save you from a lot of pain and heartbreak down the road. It's creating a somewhat healthy filtering mechanism for you, and as an ancillary benefit raising your standards in some respect in your desire to see some reciprocation. That's what you want! And most guys would jump head-first into a relationship with your baggage-laden co-worker there...including yours truly...

 

At any rate, man, if I could go back and not approach one or two women I dated before I would certainly do so...

 

Secondly, I think it exudes a level of genuine character and maybe even flattery to some women, that you are a little nervous talking to them, a little shy, a lot of women dig that, the ones you would be interested in dating perhaps.

 

Forget high school. To me, once you graduate high school, you're a different person anyway. So much change happens during those years anyway.

 

I think you have a good perspective on this. You seem to be wise beyond your years. You also have the basics down in that you are comfortable talking to people, meeting and befriending them, and people like you. With this basis, it is only a matter of time before something amazing happens for you. Without a doubt.

 

The way to taking that last baby step towards the direction of love and connectedness you seek is by just doing it. I know how you feel I think because I feel the same way. Do you feel like you are overstepping some boundaries by asking her out? Feel like you might be intruding on her business if she is with someone already? Feel like she might be like, "What? I don't like you that way, I was just trying to be friendly...sheesh."

 

Whatever you mental barrier is, the only way to get over it is to get over it. You just have to do it. Expect it will be difficult, expect your heart to beat out of your chest, expect the words to come stammering out. I think as long as you do it with a smile and laugh about it later, you'll be fine.

 

And when I am in situations like this, I think to myself something like this:

 

"This woman is crazy if she is not super-excited I am talking to her and putting myself out there for her. If she doesn't see this, appreciate it, and jump at this chance, she's really a moron wrapped inside the body of a beautiful woman. Too bad for her, I'm a hell of a guy and a rare find."

 

While this is an obviously cocky and harsh mindset, no one knows you're thinking this so what's the harm? And I think tough times call for tough measures and you gotta do what you gotta do sometimes to punch through difficult situations like this, even if the statement has some partial truth to it.

 

And I guarantee once things get rolling, once the proverbial ice gets broken, it gets so much easier no matter her reaction.

 

So in short, you just have to get over yourself and do it. Sometimes she will approach you too, don't count that option out either but don't bank on that happening. If you really want it, you'll do it...

[Suesser Tod]

Another problem it sounds like you may have: getting "friend zoned." If that is the case, you need to pinpoint what it is you do that lands you there. Maybe that can be traced back to your shy trait! So...you need to learn to be a bit more aggressive. Go after what you want. Yeah, rejection sucks, not gonna lie. Sometimes, you gotta lose some to win some.

 

 

Being friendzoned is the least of his problems now. The only time being friendzoned turns into a problem is when you actually manage to get the courage needed to ask the girl.

 

If he is not getting to that point, there is no case in worrying about the frienzone, at this point the important step is to learn to deal with that fear.

 

 

By the way, the best way to avoid getting friendzoned, or getting to know early (before wasting your time) that you were, is to make your intentions quite clear from the start.

[Vinny]

Well, "wow" is about all I can say. You seem to genuinely understand where I'm coming from, and I appreciate this advice. I'm actually going to give that thought of yours a shot, and see if it exudes confidence. I realize without a doubt that I have to get beyond the fear of rejection in some cases, and I have definitely considered the fact that it keeps me a bit safer in certain respects. It's one of the reasons I don't "hook up" with people, along with the fact that I just don't think it's for me, but that's beside the point.

 

I really appreciate this outlook on my situation. Thank you

[Suesser Tod]

It's one of the reasons I don't "hook up" with people, along with the fact that I just don't think it's for me, but that's beside the point.

 

 

Humans are social animals, so get that belief out of your mind, because it is not true, and stop using it as an excuse to reinforce why you haven't done it. Everybody is capable of hooking up to a certain extent, by design.

[Vinny]

Humans are social animals, so get that belief out of your mind, because it is not true, and stop using it as an excuse to reinforce why you haven't done it. Everybody is capable of hooking up to a certain extent, by design.

 

If you say so. I have to disagree, though. Sure, I'm a social animal. I like to meet people and make new friends, but that doesn't mean I want to have sex with every girl I meet while I'm drunk at a bar. Maybe it's for you, and a lot of others, but there are several personal reasons why I do not want to be involved in that type of thing. If you think I'm socially inept because of this, then I'm sorry, and I apologize if this comes off as an attack, but hooking up is just really not my cup of tea.

[mikeca]

I read the title and was like...hey wait a minute...

 

I'm coming up to 22 in a few weeks and have had only 1 relationship. And i'm ok with that, I'm not the kind of person to bounce around from girl to girl, it takes alot of what I'm looking for to get me interested. I'm told I'm a bit of anomoly, a young male who doesnt sleep around and who wants serious committed relationships, that doesnt mean I'm not fun or anything like that when it comes to going out on the town but I've enjoyed loving and I'm not gonna care what anyone else thinks about it, but for me its does become quality over quantity

[Siriana]

Well there is a huge chance that the girl you like likes you back but is affraid to show it to you because she's affraid of rejection too.

A lot of girls are not confident enough to flirt in a very,very, very, over the top, explicit way with a guy.

Most of the girls will give you small hints like looking you in the eyes or being shy to look you in the eyes, smiling to your jokes even if they're bad, playing with their hair......

So in case you are both waiting that the other one makes a first step...hm, you'll both miss your train.

Next time you see a girl you like have a small talk with her and immediately ask her for a coffie or something like that - before you become friends.

In that case if she turns you down you woan't be dissappointed too much because you woan't be attached yet, and she woan't be in a position to question your intentions (is he just a friend or likes me more).

 

So if you call her on a date right away thats great because it means you want to get to know her better and to see would you be interested in dating her and vice versa.

If you are friends with her for too long she doesn't get that idea and things get messy.

 

Oh and don't worry if you look little bit shy when you are asking her that - it's cute in a way. The most important thing is to ask her out.

Even when a girl is not interested she is still flattered with your attention and she woan't find your efforts embarrassing as long as your polite and decent guy.

 

I liked that advice what to think when approaching to a girl Frisco dj gave you.