Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

[dumpster]

I posted earlier about my pregnant ex. And although I want to blame the split on her, I'm really thinking about my role in the whole mess. We dated long distance on'n'off for 18 years. Main reason for long distance was that she moved to another city to go to university. Over the course of these 18 years, she would tend to meet other guys where she was at (in her classes, at her jobs, etc.). This happened several times and she ended up dating a few guys seriously. She told me that she was sorry, but just was too tired of the long distance thing and didn't feel like we were on the same page. Whenever her relationships ended, we would always seem to rekindle until the next interest developed. As I said earlier, it would have been very easy for me to find work where she was and she could'nt find work where I live. My friends tell me that despite her dating other guys, if I really loved her, I should've taken a risk and moved to her city to work and be nearer to her. That way we could've gotten more of a sense of whether or not our relationship really worked in the same town. I just didn't want to go there if she was seeing someone else. But it seemed that the longer we spent apart, even when we were "on" and dating each other....she would ultimately get tired of it and say she met someone again. Some of the guys wanted to marry her but she never made it to the alter with any of these guys because she said she still had strong feelings for me. Also as I indicated earlier...she did have all sorts of concerns about my free spirit lifestyle.

 

I guess what I'm wanting to know is if I should've moved to her town, even if she was dating someone else, and waited for her....been there when it ended? Would any of you done that? Now it's too late because she's pregnant....and she doesn't even think it will work out between her and the father...but even if it didn't I have no interest in ever being with her again because I can't stand the idea of her child or the father. I just wonder if I should've made an effort to go to her? I'm having such a hard time letting this go and I feel so betrayed by her.

[blender]

Well, sometimes we just get these "emotional lessons" in life so we are forced at some point to "look at ourselves" and in doing so we can make a choice to do the "self work" involved to grow, learn, and try a new attitude towards life and love. This may be the big reason that fate put this relationship and all it's complications into your life.. now it's your choice to value this gift of a "lesson" and grow from all this.. no more looking in the rearview mirror, it only causes us to crash emotionally, so remember the road you've been down and use it to guide you to a better, more mature, more emotionallly evovled, self respecting, YOU.

 

For now it's important to "forgive yourself" and to let go of what "might have been" and to be in "acceptance" of what is now and why it's all happened and to learn from it, and now take that "self realization" forward into your life.. and new loves..

 

And as far as she is concerned, the fact that you express that "I have no interest in ever being with her again because I can't stand the idea of her child or the father." Well, yikes, then you don't want to be in contact with her at all, unless you can truly be an honest, loving, kind, reassuring friend to her..

 

because if you love someone you would be willing to "accept" them as they are, (of course this starts with loving yourself and accepting who YOU are) and if this were meant to be with her, then you would joyfully embrace her and her new baby with love, acceptance, respect and gratitude, and if you are not able to do so emotionally then that is your choice, so live by this choice and let go of her with love and respect...

 

Because right now you can be honest with yourself, and for this part of her life, she needs love, understanding, and patience from someone who can give this without resentments....

[Scotcha]

You've already spent 18 years of your life on this woman who wouldn't, couldn't, and didn't want to commit. Don't ever settle for being the fall back guy again.

 

Go out there and find someone you can have a real relationship with. A tangible one.. And one that doesn't end every time your partner gets interested in somebody else.

 

I think it's good you never put forth the effort to move to her area because she obviously didn't respect the relationship. I think once you move on you'll find yourself to be much happier.

[Ash]

Not really sure why you feel betrayed by her. Your relationship was off and on many times from the sounds of it and you never seemed to think it was a betrayal before. This sounds like it has a lot to do with there being a child on the horizon. Perhaps one of the reasons you never got together was because you were disjoint in what you wanted out of life, and kids are a huge thing to a lot of people one way or another.

 

Honestly speaking, this sounds more like a situation in which you were close friends who were a couple of conveneince whenever there was nobody else on the scene. In all those years, while she was off dating another, what did you do?

 

Love can be a funny thing, but in this case I'd honestly have to think that if love was a driving force you would have moved to be with her to at least give things an honest chance. You said there was no real reason you couldn't have. Was there tredidation of what might happen on your part?

 

I'm not so sure if you were the fall back guy as much as the guy who was never quite the 100% guy. Sometimes you just have to be there to sign up and make the commitment. That didn't happen in this case and even though 18 years passed it really doesn't sound like you were ever quite ready.

 

But again, betrayal? No. There doesn't sound to have been any guidelines setup determining who she had relationships with. This one just got more serious and if anything I'm more concerned for her and the other guy who don't seem to want to give it a chance either. From that point of view it sounds as though she scared of committment, so that could be your answer too. It wouldn't have worked.

 

If you want something at some point you have to reach out and grab hold.

[dumpster]

Thanks for your reply. I did feel betrayed when she decided to move on to see other people in the past. I felt sad, but I still felt like I loved her. I never did get into anything too serious with anyone else during those periods.

 

I was scared of what I would be losing if I moved to where she was. I LOVE where I live and I have a lifestyle that I find hard to pass up. If I had moved and it didn't work out, I'd end up having to move back to where I came from. It would still be easy for me to find some sort of work. She would've had way more to lose my moving to me - a career, a home and financial security. This is one of the reasons she kept meeting other men....she was scared of my financial situation and my reluctance to plan for the future (no savings, no downpayment for a home, and I chose not to work for a few years). It was during this time that she had her most serious relationship apart from ours (when I wasn't working). She would repeatedly try and talk to me about her concerns about this, and I'd just say that maybe it really was time for us to break up. She loved me, but loved her career and money and her home more I guess. You can read more about this in my earlier post. So...I'd just be really upset if I moved to her to have it not work out. During our last conversation about this, she told me that she had worked so hard to get to where she is in life, homeowner, good career, stable with savings and a long term plan. She said that she was rooted where she was at and couldn't give it all up easily for me to come to a town where she couldn't work in her profession and would have to sell her house and come to a small rental guesthouse. I was upset because she doesn't think I've worked hard at all. I think that I have.

 

As far as guidelines as to who she had relationships with....we had an unspoken agreement that we were exclusive and monogamous - until I'd get a phone call saying that she was sorry, and she met someone more in line with her life and that she needed to explore the possibility. Just when we were close, she'd pull away. She always said she loved me so much, but just didn't know if we were compatible in many major important areas of life. Too much concern about money, saving, home owning and travel. We are both 35 - so I really think I have lots of time ahead of me to worry about that.

[blender]

If you stay with someone because you choose to, even knowing that the "facts" about the relationship are in contrast to your "feelings". then you can only "betray yourself".. with "hope" that it might change.. but in "accepting" the person as who they revealed themselves to be through thier "pattern". well there is nothing you can do but choose to stay, or let go with love..

[heloladies21]

Moving to where she was wouldn't have made a difference. She would've done the same things, breaking up with you, going to other guys, then coming back. The same cycle.

 

The reason why she did it wasn't because of where you lived, it's because you weren't able to show her your true emotions. You have a typical problem of many guys of bottling up your true emotions and not being able to fully stick up for yourself at all times. This is a problem which you're going to have to solve if you ever wanna have a successful relationship with any women because they will always react the same way by dumping you and finding someone else if you don't change.