Struggling with depression

[Gracelove]

This depression is getting to be really hard to manage.

I feel so down right now.

I'm up and down a lot, mood wise.

I'm still trying to understand how rape can change your brain. I'm not a psychologist but does anyone know???

I mean, how does rape give you depression? How does that make you need to be on medicine to make it through days.

Or, the post traumatic stress disorder....how does rape give you that.

If one thing is good, it's that I don't really have any bad thoughts towards the rapist and my ex-friend (his accomplice).

But I'm aware that I still have anger and pain living within me. I don't see it being directed towards anyone anymore, so does that mean I'm directing it towards myself.

Oh, wait, a thought....my therapist said depression is anger turned inward.

But how can medicine help you manage anger???

The worst part is feeling slow. I hate that feeling. It's like everything is slowed down and my mind isn't as sharp as normal.

What's that I wonder..........

Anyways, I'm at work and am having such a hard time focusing.

But this is the "real world", so I can't say I feel ill and just go home.

I feel trapped, any suggestions???

[mintblossom]

Hi Gracelove,

I can see you are having a hard time today. Take several deep breaths. I have experienced everything you describe above including depression, anxiety, and feeling sexually violated. I do not have any real anger towards the people who hurt me.....I do not know why, they are not worth it and I think they are just sick people in general. I cannot see how sick people would ever be able to build a good life for themselves or to really attract genuine good people to be around. I think everyone who is decent eventually flees. I know I flee from people like that.

 

I only wish I had known these types of people existed and made different choices. I think depression is the body's response to very unpleasant or extreme circumstances. I think of it as either the body's way of healing or withdrawing and protecting itself from harm. It's normal to have emotional, mental and bodily changes to shocking circumstances. I have felt my own body and mind go into shock, numbness, depression, anger, sadness and a variety of feelings.

 

I think the ups and downs are normal...I think after experiencing a variety of ups and downs, it will smooth out and you will feel more even and consistent and stable. However, at times it seems very much one step forward, two steps back. I think it's crucial for anyone helping to heal another to realize this.

 

There have been days where I have woken up and not wanted to go to work. But I will literally drag myself out of bed, foggy headed, wearing sweats and go sit in my office. Once there I feel trapped and I feel like I can't do anything so I just sit.....I sit and surf the internet until it's time to go home because that is all I can manage for the day.

 

I would suggest getting something nice and soothing to drink, take some deep breaths and if you can get away with it.....just sit at your desk until you can go home.

 

I want so much to rush through my issues and just be done. healed! totally fine! everything forgotten! But it doesn't work that way.

[Gracelove]

Aww!!! Thanks so much teardrops. You're post means a lot to me.

And to hear how you just throw on your sweats and go, that's encouraging.

It's good that you try so hard as opposed to giving up.

I'm really proud of you.

Today I searched the internet for the most part. I guess that's life sometimes.

I'm on my way to bed right now, I'm hoping things will be better tomorrow.

Sweet dreams!!!

Thanks for the support.

~Grace