Not sure what this means...

[House]

Hey everyone,

 

I'm in a bit of a rut right now... To put the story into context: I was really good friends with this girl for a while, a couple of years. We started to become a little more than friends, and while at a New Years party we spent the night together and messed around a bit while slightly drunk. We both kidna regretted it afterwards, and from there everything went downhill. I felt like she used me because she knew how I felt about her and she had just come out of a relationship that ended sourly, she needed to feel loved and I was there at the time and offering it.

 

Anyhow, point is she told me that although I was a great guy, she didn't see anything happening between us, and I found out later that she was getting close to one of my friends (her current b/f). I was happy for them, I don't hold anything against my mate, but I guess I still have some remorse for having such a good friendship with the girl ruined over something stupid like what happened... Something so strong was just smashed.

 

She knows that she wronged me and she understands if I don't ever want to talk to her again... I do, but at the same time I can't. What we had was really special, we would talk to each other every day for hours, we knew each other inside out. But then that night had to come along and ruin everything... then the following weeks of her confusing messages and, for example, the 3AM call saying that she just 'needed to talk' to me.

 

Then we had a bit of a falling out and we didn't talk for a few weeks, until...

 

The other night at a party I got a message from her out of the blue saying that she misses me and she's sorry and she wants to know if I still want to be friends.

 

I don't know what to do... she seems to be genuine with what she's been saying, 'I miss everything to do with you' and 'I'm sorry that things ended up how they were', and 'I don't know whether it's going to work, but I really want it to'. Everytime I see her at school I can't face her though... Everytime she is around or in the other guy's arms I just go away to somewhere else or plainly ignore her. It's like I know it's her job to mend what she broke, but I'm purposefully making it difficult for her to do that...

 

Is it just that I'm not ready to be friends with her again? What she did and said to me left scars on me that probably still haven't left... is there any way I can make them go? Before she talked to me the other night I was feeling good, I'd gotten over it. But then as soon as she broke the silence it was like old memories suddenly became fresh again...

 

I honestly don't know if trying to be friends with her is worth the pain that she might cause again...

 

Thanks for reading...

 

Any comments or ideas are greaty appreciated.

[friscodj]

Hey House-

 

I guess I am not seeing here how she "wronged" you? You guys mutually fell into bed together, after that, she just didn't feel it for you and she told you. She was vulnerable just having got out of a sour relationship and you had feelings for her.

 

I don't see anything wrong with that, it sounds like the truth that you are upset about here, upset that you can't have what you want. And because of the rejection you feel used and remorseful which is normal.

 

Now, it does sound like you are not ready to be friends yet. She's with another guy. You still have some deeper residual feelings for her and negative feelings regarding what happened on New Year's. That is the bottom line. I think if you attempt to pursue a friendship under these conditions, these feelings will build tension and confusion that will cause another falling out which will ultimately push you further apart. My experience overwhelmingly tells me this outcome is only a matter of time when you try to force a friendship under these circumstances and rush into it like this.

 

I think the way to go here is manage some distance versus jumping right back in and risking a ton of uncontrolled distance based on different feelings and intentions. If you can truly (be honest with yourself) accept her current situation with her boyfriend, accept that she will likely look to you for support and friendship and not romance, I think you should talk to her. See what she has to say and given the description of the friendship you guys have together, I'd address some of the feelings I think you are harboring in some senses about New Years. Otherwise, stay away until you reach this point.

 

If you want to make those scars go away, you have to make sure you talk about the situation fully to clean them out, then everything some time to sink in. That's OK and I think it is for the best here. Make sure you let her know what's going on and that you just need some time to yourself to sort things out and that you have every intention of becoming great friends again after this all blows over.

[House]

Thanks alot for that... good to see someone else's point of view.

 

 

Hey House-

 

I guess I am not seeing here how she "wronged" you? You guys mutually fell into bed together, after that, she just didn't feel it for you and she told you. She was vulnerable just having got out of a sour relationship and you had feelings for her.

 

I don't see anything wrong with that, it sounds like the truth that you are upset about here, upset that you can't have what you want. And because of the rejection you feel used and remorseful which is normal.

 

At the time we hooked up she was a bit emotionally unstable and we were both a bit drunk, but she knew that I had feelings for her and she'd told me previously that she had some for me too. It's hard to show it from my point of view I guess because you don't know her...

 

Basically, she looked to me for comfort from her other breakup and used my feelings to her advantage when she needed them the most. She did it once before, telling me she had feelings for me when she was with her previous ex, but from the way that things just magically happened I thought that this time it was for real... apparently not.

 

Now she tells me that she's changed and that she hated the way she was treating people and that she's sorry for that... I really hate to make her feel bad, but I can't help but feel aprehensive that if I do become friends with her again, it opens it up to a third chance at breaking my heart... I've been trying to decide whether the good and fun times that we had together outweighed the pain that I went through because of her actions.

 

I do accept the current situation with her boyfriend, but also her previous ex and I don't want to see the same thing happen to this guy as what happened to the both of us. Via her actions she managed to ruin the relationships with both of us, and I am scared that if she starts doing that with her new guy, i'll be looked at as a second resort to try and fix things again... That's one thing I don't want to happen again. If there's one thing I know about this girl, it's that she tends to make the same mistakes more than once and never quite learns from it...

 

I think this time she's realised that she really hurt someone who truly cared for her, and now she wants to fix thing. I just don't know if I can do my part in it... maybe it's just time I need...

[friscodj]

I really hate to make her feel bad, but I can't help but feel aprehensive that if I do become friends with her again, it opens it up to a third chance at breaking my heart.

 

Can you have a real friendship amongst this apprehension? This fear? Why not wait until these feelings blow over and then start getting closer to her?

 

The way I see it, you can have a veneer of a true friendship now and put yourself through a wringer in doing so or take a walk around the block, away from the situation, and come back later to a real friendship and one that is easier to experience.

 

On paper it looks like an easy decision, but you seem to have this fixation to fix something here. That appears to be the "noble" path but experience has told me when you start living your life trying to fix other people and situations, you get wrapped up in their issues, their problems, and you break down.

 

You can't live her life for her. If she's going to really change and grow she really needs to live some life and figure it out for herself through her own experiences. Again, when you are in a more stable and solid emotional place, you can be there to support her but right now your support is only going to get in the way (at your expense) of the life experiences she should experience for herself I think.

[House]

Can you have a real friendship amongst this apprehension? This fear? Why not wait until these feelings blow over and then start getting closer to her?

 

No, I guess I can't... it won't be the same as it was if there is always this doubt looming over me

 

 

 

You can't live her life for her. If she's going to really change and grow she really needs to live some life and figure it out for herself through her own experiences. Again, when you are in a more stable and solid emotional place, you can be there to support her but right now your support is only going to get in the way (at your expense) of the life experiences she should experience for herself I think.

 

That's a good point... I suppose the best thing I can do for now is just tell her that I'm not ready yet, that I still need more time. You're right, I can't live her life for her or fix her problems, only she can do that... and until she does, I don't need to be an extra problem because of the way I feel, so I might as well remove myself from the equation while I still can... it'll hurt her mostly to hear it, but if it's gotta be done then I spose it's gotta be done... I can't 'pretend' to be her friend and go on like everything is alright when it's not, so for now I suppose I need to bow out and let things settle down.

[friscodj]

That sounds like a good plan to me House.

 

I know it seems cold and mean right now, like it is you causing her pain, but in time and with some distance, and then when you guys come back together as better friends later, you will see how good of a decision this was I think; you will see it was the truth behind the situation that dictated this necessary action.

 

I've been in enough similar situations to tell you this with near certainty. The last thing you want to do is force this, rush into it and start suppressing and harboring misdirected feelings, confusion, frustration, inevitably having a big falling out, and end up never talking to each other again. That has happened enough times to me as well.

[House]

That sounds like a good plan to me House.

 

I know it seems cold and mean right now, like it is you causing her pain, but in time and with some distance, and then when you guys come back together as better friends later, you will see how good of a decision this was I think; you will see it was the truth behind the situation that dictated this necessary action.

 

I've been in enough similar situations to tell you this with near certainty. The last thing you want to do is force this, rush into it and start suppressing and harboring misdirected feelings, confusion, frustration, inevitably having a big falling out, and end up never talking to each other again. That has happened enough times to me as well.

 

Thanks, I definitely see what you mean. All I can do for now is just ride whatever waves come in my direction and see where things take me.

[friscodj]

All I can do for now is just ride whatever waves come in my direction and see where things take me.

 

No, that's a cop out too many people use because they are afraid of taking responsibility for the situation, are afraid of the discomfort of disconnection (albeit ultimately temporary) and uncertainty of change and what they as see as pain accompanying this change. It's not "all" you can do.

 

You need to take charge with this or you're going to get tossed around. If it takes some tossing to provide some motivation for you to take charge of your life and ultimate happiness here, there's no shame in that either. That's how you really learn in situations like this.

[House]

No, that's a cop out too many people use because they are afraid of taking responsibility for the situation and are afraid of change and what they as see as pain accompanying this change. It's not "all" you can do.

 

You need to take charge with this or you're going to get tossed around. If it takes some tossing to provide some motivation for you to take charge of your life and ultimate happiness here, there's no shame in that either. That's how you really learn in situations like this.

 

It's not that I'm afraid of taking responsibility, I just want to lie low for a while I guess. For once I don't wanna be chasing after something, just for a while, let things calm down and just let the breeze blow. If and when it comes to a time when I need to take control, then I will, but I guess I just want to relax for a bit.

 

 

Hi there,

You've already received a lot of great advice so if I may, I would like to point out one thing: from what I've bolded above, it STILL sounds like you are prioritizing her needs over your own. Also it appears as though you are selling yourself short: you are decidedly NOT *her* problem; you are NOT a problem, period. You HAVE a problem and it is to put your emotional needs first.

 

Yes, she is capable of dealing with her own life issues and she *should* deal with her own issues.

 

Should she reach out to you, please remember to first look out for number one: YOU! You should NOT put your emotional stability at risk in order to sort out *her* issues.

 

Good luck!

 

Thanks, that's helpful. The whole reason I was so broken when everything happened was because I cared too much for her, and not enough about my own interests... I really wanted to see her happy before I did myself, but now I guess I've paid the price for that.

 

Not that I still won't care for people and put them before myself... but for her, I guess I've found out it's wasted effort. For once I'm more important.

[friscodj]

It's not that I'm afraid of taking responsibility, I just want to lie low for a while I guess. For once I don't wanna be chasing after something, just for a while, let things calm down and just let the breeze blow. If and when it comes to a time when I need to take control, then I will, but I guess I just want to relax for a bit.

 

Oh, OK, I read it as "whatever happens, happens" as in going with your feelings on the matter as they come. Your feelings and natural tendencies don't always know the best emotional path and won't here I can tell you that. In situations like this you have to think too.

 

Take your time to yourself and let this situation calm down from a distance. I definitely concur with that.

 

Easier said than done perhaps if she starts raining on your sunny day at the beach with her phone calls at 3 AM "needing" you. Don't dismiss the possible reality here that she will try to take charge of this and get what she wants in the way of having you in her life on her terms. I can see this coming...

[House]

Easier said than done perhaps if she starts raining on your sunny day at the beach with her phone calls at 3 AM "needing" you. Don't dismiss the possible reality here that she will try to take charge of this and get what she wants in the way of having you in her life on her terms. I can see this coming...

 

And what am I supposed to do if that happens?

[House]

Update time I guess.

 

Last night we were both at a party, we spent alot of time together talking, crying and working stuff out. We realised we've both been thinking the same things, but we both want to make this friendship work pretty badly... At least we've started talking again and we got out what we both really needed to get out. And we both realise that there was a line that was crossed, and that line can't be crossed again. We can't be anything more than best of friends, we just have to appreciate each other for what we can offer each other as friends.

 

It just feels good to have both of us having let everything we needed to say out and to feel connected to each other again, it's something we both missed sorely. Things will be alrite, I told her that too, it'll just take a bit of time for things to get back to normal. At least we've taken the first step.