Advice

[annalise23]

I am going through a break up and doing well.

 

But yesterday I found out my dad is having an affair. He has been married to my mum for 26 years and this will just crush her.

Its so complicated. My dad and me live in the usa, my mum and younger sis live in UK. This is because my dad has a business here and wanted to retire. My sister is still in college.

My mum comes over every 4 weeks or so. She would be crushed if she knew.

And she does suspect something is wrong.

 

Last night she thought she saw him emailing someone, and he clicked off and denied it. It caused a huge row and he called her paranoid. He has become very friendly with another woman. And when they were fighting, I managed to get into his account (he writes his passwords down, pretty stupid!!) and read all the emails.

 

As my mum is always around it is hard for me to speak to my dad about it. I confronted him and told him I knew and he quickly got scared and said dont say anything.

 

But how can I not?? My mum has been over for 1 week and has been upset daily. They are always arguing and she is really struggling with it all.

 

They have gone out now, but I really dont know what to do. The last email he sent this ***** was 'she knows its all going wrong. time for a few home truths'

 

My mum goes home on friday. I am so upset. I just dont know what to do.

 

And as a result, its making me want to turn back to my ex for comfort becasue i feel so alone right now

[Locke2121]

How old are you?

[annalise23]

just turned 24

[AwdreeHpburn]

Hey annalise -

 

1st off - don't turn back to the ex. I'm glad you posted here instead.

 

So...next, now that your dad knows you know, he really won't be able to get away with it for much longer. MY suggestion to you is to let him handle it. Its really between your mum and dad. I know it affects you, obviously, but you really have to let them go thru it and deal with it.

 

You are going to have to deal with the relationship YOU with your dad after all of this. But he and your mum have a completely different relationship. They WILL sort thru it...somehow. Not saying everything will be OK - cos I don't know that, just saying let them figure it out.

[annalise23]

Should i not tell my dad to tell my mum? I am being deceitful to her

[ButterflyWrists]

Ok, don't be offended...

 

Have you ever considered it may be because he missus your mum not being there, he doesn't see her much... and doesn't get a chance to go out i suppose?

 

How long have u lived in the USA? and how long as far as u know the affair been going on for?

 

My advise, would be to talk to your dad about it... if he shuts off, just say you dont judge him, u just want to understand, when he's ready he may confind in you..

 

How my advise helps __X

[Locke2121]

Yeah, it is your mum and dad's problem. But like it or not, your now involved. I can see the argument going on in your mind, "Mum needs to know, but it will hurt her and Dad, but will Dad tell her or will I have to?" Over and over again. *sigh* If it were me I'd both confront my dad and if that didn't get anywhere, I'd let your mum know that a search of your dad's emails are a good idea...but I've always been the blunt type!

 

In the end, your mom suspects...sooner or later she'll find the emails on her own, if he doesn't delete them. So if I were you, I would do my best to distance myself from both of them for the remainder of your mum's stay. Don't take sides no matter how much you want to. This is their business and they have to sort it out themselves.

 

Good luck.

[annalise23]

I totally think its because he misses my mum, they have never been apart. Recently I have had my suspicions as he has been friendly with this woman, but never in a million years thought he would go further.

 

 

Been here since July last year. And even that is another story.

 

For the past month my mum and dad have been apart and this is when it started going wrong. He has told many lies, and I have known about it. Mum has been vaguely talking to me saying she knows he is being distant, that she feels he doesnt want her here.

 

I even took my dad one side (before I discovered the emails) and said I would go home to look after my sis so my mum can come out as she cant handle being away. He dismissed the idea. Now I know why.

 

My mum keeps asking me questions about my dad, and i am having to cover things up. I am now feelings so guilty. I do not want my mum to know as it will destroy her. But at the same time, it cant carry on.

[annalise23]

He has deleted all emails and history on the comp. I wish I had forwarded them to me. I was in shock last night when I read them.

My parents have always had a loving relationship. So i was in disbelief when I read them,

 

I think I will try and talk to my dad when he gets back.

[Locke2121]

Ok, you need to stop covering things up. You need to tell her that she needs to talk to her husband, not you. She is forcing you to make a choice, thats not good. Here, try it like this....

 

 

"Mum, please don't force me into a position of being your spy on Dad....this is your problem, and its up to you to fix it. Every time you ask me questions, I'm hurt because you won't face your husband. Please don't ask me again."

[ButterflyWrists]

do you know if it has gone further? It isn't for you to tell your mum, but deffinatly talk to dad, maybe they just need a holiday together, i suppose they've been under stress... is ur dad having a hard time at all? or is it just him missing ur mum.. if he hasn't acted this way before. I'm sure (dont quote me please) it'll be ok... it must be hard for you being stuck in the middle.. but do talk to ur dad when u have time.. in the mean time, are u able to cook, or offer them somewhere to go, so they can just be together, like a date?

 

It may help them calm down, and chill out a bit (damn i have the sayin "chill out")

[annalise23]

I want to say that, and she has been confronting my dad. But he denies everything, says she is paranoid. Then they row. And because I know my mum is right to suspect, it is hard for me. She knows deep down something is wrong, but has no proof. And then he turns it on her calling her paranoid and says she is trying to cause problems

[annalise23]

From the emails it is pretty clear it has gone further.

 

They do need to 'chill out' but I think once the **** hits the fan, its going to be a nightmare.

The stress of moving here, not being together has not helped. I can see why dad did this, not that it is right or anything, and im annoyed and angry at him. But I know he is under stress.

 

I will talk with dad and hopefully see how it goes. I really dont know what to do. I think he will say 'leave it with me'. mum will go home friday leaving dad with this woman and no wife. Disaster waiting to happen

[ButterflyWrists]

maybe your dads scared of ur mum finding out... he must know what will happen to her if she finds out.. maybe thats why he deleted the emails? maybe if ur dad goes to UK for a holiday with ur mum, away from work, and this other woman... if he says leave it with me, then let him, but do try and talk to him, dont blame him for it, although he has done wrong, its not going to help matters.. he needs to have support as well as ur mum and u and ur sister..

 

 

((hugs))

[annalise23]

Thank you.

 

I will talk to him. Try and remain calm and see what he has to say. It is my dad so I can't hate him. But I am thinking of my mum and how she is going through hell knowing something is wrong and being told she is paranoid.

I wil talk with my dad and see what happens.

 

Just when I thought everything was starting to work out..! I have to keep telling myself my feelings for my ex are clouded by my need for some comfort of some sort. And it is not fair to him or me to use him like that.

 

Thanks for your advice.

[Locke2121]

Of course you can hate your father....and you can love him at the same time. Don't bottle up your emotions, it will only cause your problems down the road!

 

Your father has done a terrible thing! He has broken a trust, one between himself, your mum and his children. The thing he has done could very well rip your family apart! So you can hate him for this all you want, its perfectly healthy.

 

Your mum and dad may be able to work this out...I don't know. But as I always say, everyone in this life should be allowed to make up for one horrible, life-changing mistake. Well, his made his mistake and maybe he can make up for it.

 

So hate your father all you want. But love him too, he and you will need that love in the days and weeks to come.

[Beyondthesea]

Oh my, I am so sorry to hear this.

 

Do talk to your dad, and see what happens. What does he think is going to come of him lying about it forever? Better tell her now rather than later I think.

 

Definitely don't run back to your ex for comfort. This is hard to go through, but it will be alright. My father cheated on my mother years back, but they worked through it and are still together. It will work out as it's supposed to...