just looking for advice

[rich84]

this is all so tough, i talked with my ex for about 20 minutes late thursday night. she has made it clear that the guy she cheated on me with and her are in a relationship (by the way of seeing eachother... so dating would be the proper term, but not a ful on couple) as for her and i, we are obviously not together. the other guy is in the service and is out of town for the 4 to 5 weeks. then he will be back in town and then he goes away for another 6 months, and he is planning on going to active duty. she is the type of girl who needs to see and needs to be close to the person she is with. i'm having a hard time understanding what she is thinking. I know that she cheated on me, but the situation she has gotten herself into... doesn't fit who she is. i've also gotten the matter of her "wanting time to think" figured out. she still has feelings for me. there are days when she can't stop thinking about me and wants to be with me, and there are some days that she doesn't think that she can be with me anymore. she's expressed her interest in taking the time that she now has (with him out of town and our relationship at an end) to figure out who she wants to be, and what she is looking for.

 

through the breakup (a 2 week period before i found out she cheated) there was limited contact, and she made the advances to get ahold of me and she wanted to work on us and rebuild our relationship. then i found out what had been going on, and how she is torn within herself as to what she wants. she cheated on me... and as many people have already told me... i need to forget her and i need to move on. though there have also been those who have said that if the time would come and she figured out that i am the one she truly wants to be with i should think hard and carefully as to the move i would make. she has hurt me badly, but i can't help but feel that the other guy took advantage of the bumpy road that she and i were on and worked his way in on her. i wish that she could have come to me then, and made a clean break...

 

now don't get me wrong.... i'm not saying that i would take her back... but if the time came down the road that she did want to be with me... should i consider it or shut her out completely, which leads to this question. has there been a time when someone has been cheated on, and a second chance was granted... that it worked out in the end? AGAIN... don't get me wrong, i miss her and i will always love her, but she has hurt me very badly. I can't help but think that i would be crazy enough to give her another shot. as much as i have tried to stay busy and to talk to friends and family, it's just so hard to not see her, for 2 and a 1/2 years we were together every day, i miss her... i miss her piercing blue eyes, and the way that no matter what was going on, she would wrap me up in her little arms and just hold me...

[Rabican]

Tell her to get out of your life, and stay out. She sounds like a whole boatload of drama, trouble, cheating... problems that no sane man would want. How much do you want to bet shes telling you she cant stop thinking about you... and shes telling the army guy that shes completely over you and you were a total jerk. 100 bucks... want to take the bet?

 

Avoid her like the plague man. You will be better off.

[rich84]

Tell her to get out of your life, and stay out. She sounds like a whole boatload of drama, trouble, cheating... problems that no sane man would want. How much do you want to bet shes telling you she cant stop thinking about you... and shes telling the army guy that shes completely over you and you were a total jerk. 100 bucks... want to take the bet?

 

Avoid her like the plague man. You will be better off.

 

deep down i know that not seeing her and no contact will be the best. it's just everything on the surface that's hard to get past. and it's the times like right now that make it even harder. most everyone i know is working or unavailable, so i am alone. left to think no matter how much i shouldnt or how much it hurts, or how much i need to get away from it... the down time is hard. the last 2 days i got out of town, and spent time with family. i've also gotten some food in my stomach and finally got some quality rest. currently though the negatives still outweigh the positives

[rich84]

this all still sucks so much. honestly, what does it take to do this to people? i'll never understand it... it's so horrible.

[treefrogkate]

this all still sucks so much. honestly, what does it take to do this to people? i'll never understand it... it's so horrible.

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this. As someone said above, sometimes someone will cheat and then be overcome with remorse and guilt immediately afterward. Then there's your now ex. Her cheating obviously wasn't a spur of the moment thing, it was premeditated (why else would she be in a "relationship" with him if it wasn't?).

 

If she had any sort of decency, she would have broken it off clean with you before she got together with the other guy. But she didn't. She's basically stringing you along, "just in case" it doesn't work out with the other guy.

 

If I were in your shoes, I would do my best to forget about her, not only now, but when she comes running back to you when it doesn't work out with her military guy.

 

Don't ever settle for being runner-up. You deserve better, and there are girls out there that will give you better, so you shouldn't waste your time on this one.

 

Good luck, it's going to be a rough ride, but you'll make it.

[Not just any guy]

I don't give a s>&% about ANY of the circumstances in a cheating situation... cheating is an instant dump for me. Absolutely instant. Even if it hurts. I don't tolerate cheating at all.

[rich84]

well, it's been a little over 2 weeks since i found out that she cheated on me. i've managed to not contact her or see her for 9 days now, but i've still got some of her stuff and she still has a few things of mine. don't know how to swap stuff... any thoughts?

 

i'm still keeping close with friends and family, tuesday night i watched a couple of movies with my sister and that was about 4 hours that i didn't even spend a single thought on my ex or the situation... that was pretty nice, no worries. however, that came after a very rough sunday night and all day monday, two very bad days. And though it's not a solutions merely a quick fix for a few hours... i turned to booze for a few days... nothing to knock me out or get into trouble. but it really didn't help much... when i get buzzed or drunk i just tend to think about things more. i had two of my buddies with me though and they let me talk when i needed to and let me be when i need that. keeping busy is really the only thing keeping me sane, and a third buddy of mine, who is willing to literally show up when i need him to.. i don't always give him the credit that he has proven he deserves. I'm thankful to have him as a friend though. this weekend i'm supposed to catch a movie and hang out with my dad... something i don't get to do much, so i know that will help a lot.

 

there are still a million thoughts and feeling flowing through me.... and i know time will only make things better, but i'm impatient... i don't like not knowing how long or when it will all be settled but i'm taking it all in stride.

 

i want to thank everyone again. i know that there are people out there with much more severe problems than i have, but i truly appreciate everyones comments and suggestions. it all helps so much, thanks

[thlst3]

rich, you're doing a great job by keeping busy. it's hard not to think of her and you'll have alot of 'bad' days. just try to keep things in perspective and take everything one step at a time.

 

another thing that helped me was going to the gym. i know it sounds cliche but it does help. lifting weights relieve the stress and you'll look great.

 

also try reading a book or two. i'm not much of a book reader but i started reading and it helps.

 

i picked up golf with my buddies last summer and it's great.

 

you don't have to do all the stuff above but try some of it...

 

last, keep NC... you don't need answers right now or need to understand why she did it, etc. you still need time to process what happen and sort out your feelings. continue to use ena and your friends for support.

 

good luck and keep posting...