When you were "running", what were you feeling?

[anonymit]

I'm desperately trying to understand the mindset of a commitment phobe. For three years, my SO seemed happy with me. Even encouraged me to move close by. The minute I did, he did the one thing he had always told me he hated...cheating. I don't think he'd ever done it before. And now there's no going back.

 

I just don't get how you stop feeling/caring for your SO enough to commit such an act or run so far so fast. I doubt I'll ever have the answers from him, but thought actual CPs could offer some insight.

[Slypknot]

I'm not sure if I'm a CP or not (never been diagnosed..hehe) but I have cheated before and have also been scared to commit to someone - though not proud of it by any means.

 

My experience is - there's much more to cheating than just being afraid to commit to someone. Usually there's a time when things are not going very well with a couple. That's when it can happen, someone else steps in and starts providing one of the SO's with something their relationship stopped giving them. Usually a woman who is not being 'appreciated' is approached by a guy who gives her all the attention she could want - and she falls into it. Same thing can happen for a guy....

 

The question now is - will they repeat it again? Relationships are hard - meaning they take work when things are down. Personally, when I was cheated on, I could not continue in the same relationship because I knew that when things got tough, if I made mistakes or got caught up in my own life - she would repeat it again. It's a toughy.

[sayer7]

I've experienced the same....

 

For some reason the month right before I moved from NC to MI to live with my SO, he cheated. I found out AFTER I left everything (family, job, everything familiar) and moved up there. Another woman he propositioned emailed him and I opened the email thinking it was a reply to a job application I'd sent out the day earlier. I confronted him and he admitted to cheating on me and propositioning several other women with the line "I only have a day left before my gf moves in so lets get together...."

 

After 3 months of trying to rebuild after the initial cheating, I found out he'd cheated on me 2 more times while I was away visiting my parents for Thanksgiving. After Christmas I left him for good after I found out he'd cheated again while I was out of town for the Holidays. What hurt the most was that both times I was away he called every night telling me how much he missed me and wished I'd come home right away. But when I did come back I'd always find out he'd cheated on me. Talk about a feeling of betrayal and distrust.

 

Once trust is broken it takes a huge committment to try to rebuild trust... if one or the other isn't willing then it's pointless to try to continue the relationship.

 

If he's cheated on you... definitely give him a second try. But don't give him a third try if he cheats again. It's NOT your responsibility or within your ability to save him from himself. It's not worth the pain or drama, and you have better things to do than be a sucker for him. There's a lot of other guys out there that CAN be trusted and won't take advantage of you.

 

Sorry to be harsh but these are the lessons I learned the hard way and lessons like these aren't sweet and easy. Hope this helps though.

[anonymit]

With my recent breakup with a CP, I wish so much that I could have helped him see where he was, what he was doing. Even now, I wish to help him.

 

Is there anything your SO could have done or was it a path you had to walk?

[Neverhurtagain]

Men will always cheat haven't we learned that by now? It's their nature.

[jamin]

anonymit

 

I am sorry that your so cheated on you. I hope you find someone better.

 

To Neverhurtagain - please do not make generalized statements. Some men and some women cheat.

Stereotyping an entire sex is not true. People are individuals and make their own decisions.

[Neverhurtagain]

Most men, and some women cheat, is that better? Keep it real.

[sayer7]

After been cheated on 3 times I felt leaving him was a path I had to walk- no matter how many times he protested and told me I was the woman of his dreams, yaddayaddayadda.

 

The only thing he could've changed was not to cheat on me after the first time and shown me he had changed through actions. Except he did it 2 more times whenever I left town.

 

Tell your SO Actions speak louder than words. If your SO fails the second time- cheats on you a second time... then you must decide if leaving your SO is something you need to do.

 

If it happens again, ask yourself these questions:

 

1. Am I only staying in hopes to change them or try to save them from themselves in order to restore or preserve the harmony of our relationship?

 

2. Do you believe your SO needs to seek professional help, do you feel you need to talk to an unbiased person about how to cope with your SO's behavior?

 

3. How do you feel about yourself? Are you benefiting from the relationship? Do you feel hurt, distrust, betrayed all or most of the time?

 

4. Do you ever wish you could get out of the relationship because your SO cheateds on you often?

 

If you say yes to these things... seriously consider 1. Finding a counselor to talk to, and/or 2. Leaving your SO (as scary as it may seem).

 

Your self-esteem is precious... don't throw it away to someone who doesn't respect or treasure you. You deserve more than that and you deserve to be happy and not have so much drama in your life.

 

Try to see things from your SO's perspective, think compassionately, and think fairly-- but don't rationalize or justify his behavior. What he did is what he did, he needs to be held accountable for his actions.

 

Hope this helps again..... Take care for now!

[anonymit]

When I caught him cheating, that was the end of us. He's actually "with" her now. I saw her car at his house the next weekend. Basically, I've been ostensibly replaced. Harsh....

 

How she could stay knowing the truth, I'll never understand. (I mean, when I caught them it was early Sunday a.m., I banged on his front door, asked if there's anyway I could be misinterpreting this, and got my answer. She heard everything I had to say. He must have convinced her otherwise).

 

During the confrontation I asked him how he thought it was okay and he just lied saying we hadn't been out in months, when in actuality, he had been "busy" with "work" the past few weeks, but we hadn't broken up. Heck, I didn't know anything was going on until he started to blow things off right and left and I got suspicious.

 

Anyway, I won't tolerate cheating. It simply says I don't love you, I love what I want more. So, I'm coming to terms with 10 years of my life in an on/off relationship with him for 5 years of that...wasted.

 

I actually really loved him, but he's just incapable of an adult relationship. And the cheating, well, the timing (my move to his hometown) shows me how much he feared commitment, and the choice of how to push me away succeeded in doing it permanently.

 

I believe once a cheater, always a cheater. Trust is nearly impossible to restore. And if he did this before marriage, heck, imagine what issues would come up after marriage. I have no choice but to move on. Hardest thing to do. I want his love and I want it fully, but he can't give it.

[Scotty]

I'm a CP and I have been in a relationship with a CP!! In answer to your question 'how do you stop feeling/caring so fast' in my experiance you don't. It's a bit off the wall and it doesn't make sense and I wouldn't try and work it out for your own sanity!

For a CP they live entirly for the momment. They mean everything they say at that momment in time but nothing they say can be relied apon further than the time it took to say it!

They also compartmentalise their life in such a precise way you could never have been aware of what your partner was going to do. He simply can't commit to any one situation or person. Equaly he can't commit to letting any one person or situation go! You cought him out. He panicked. Even though this other woman heard everything you had to say she to is probably 'brainwashed' by your ex partner and he will tell her anything it takes to maintain control of the situation.

I'm not proud to say that I have always ended my relationships by cheating (before I reolised that I had a commitment problem) although I felt guilty and totaly torn I just panicked and found I had to get away from whomever it was that wanted me to commit to them. Rest assured that the feelings your ex partner had/has for you havent gone away he has just buried them. He will repeat this pattern with all of his relationships until he takes responsibility for his problems.

My advise is don't even bother trying to understand. It's way too complicated and hurtful. Just know that it's nothing about you or anything you may have done or not done. Its all in his head. You would need to be an increadably strong person to take on someone with CP. It would be a constant battle and is it really worth it? There are too many guys out there that would be willing to give you what you need. Your ex partners life will continue to be a nightmare situation of one failed relationship after another and as I say until he reolises the part he plays in it he will always believe it is his partners fault not his own. If you take him back I would put money on him repeating the situation with you. It's one thing being a cheat it's entirly another when it's driven from fear of commitment.

Run for the hills concentrate on mourning the relationship and moving on however difficult it may be it will be worth it.