Not sure what to feel, what to do..

[johnnynz]

I have a feeling in time you will see and understand that martyrdom and equating your love to your pain is a fruitlessly painful endeavor.

 

Another hugely important lesson I've learned by going through situations like these is that if she asks for the door, show it to her, and say goodbye...any type of "fighting" or "proving" at this point is equally fruitless and will suck the life out of you.

 

How do you mean 'equating my love to my pain'? Do you mean I'm equating the pain I'm feeling to the love I say I feel? That somehow I think that the more pain I feel the more love I'm supposed to give? That I'm putting myself through all this crap in the hope things will return to normal?

 

I get the feeling I should just do that, show her the door, if she comes back knocking then it was meant to be. Thanks for your continuing input dude, it's been really helpful.

[friscodj]

Hey JZ-

 

I know when I have been in situations like this, I somehow thought that my profession of love to her meant an open expression of such no matter the level of reciprocation. This to me was what unconditional love was about, the kind I desperately (and I was desperate) wanted to share with her.

 

I also thought this painful situation was a just a "bump in the road" and by staying in it, I was validating such love and showing to her my commitment to loving her. I thought this would make our love stronger and prove to her it was real and I was worthy of her love and "win" her heart like this.

 

After the emotional smoke cleared, I came to realize I was stubbornly refusing to accept "defeat" with this to avoid feeling like a failure and the resulting guilt I built a propensity towards based on my upbringing. This became my sole focus in light of the very apparent truth of the situation that she really didn't love me and as such I was chasing an illusion of love.

 

This grandiose effort also proved to be confusing her more, enticing her to stay in a situation she didn't really want to be in, one that she was trying to get out of but was hesitant because I was giving it so much effort that this effort stroked her ego, i.e., she loved being loved and being chased, so much that she was torn between staying or going even though she really wanted out.

 

And then when I got tired and frustrated with this silliness, finally saw it as such for what it was, made some distance, sure enough, she came back with the emails telling me how much she "missed me" and that she was "rethinking things", perhaps we "she a mistake", and equally as sure enough I went running (actually speeding in my car) over to her house back into her arms and back into this misguided situation that ultimately lead to the same outcome and in doing so really messed me up for a long time. It took me reaching the true breaking point with anger with a few cycles of this and it lead to a big falling out and I'll be damned if I ever speak to her again. I haven't felt passion that intense before and I know if I ever see her again I'd fold like a bad poker hand.

 

I think you can love someone who is not reciprocating such love and love yourself at the same time by keeping that love to yourself, in the privacy and protection of your own heart, a heart that is continually showing you it is more deserving of your love than her.

 

I thought I'd share that with you my friend. Maybe you can take something out of that which speaks to you and your situation.

[johnnynz]

Man. Sounds almost identical to my situation, except we got 'back together' mostly due to my insistence. I showed her I'd changed, perhaps not in some of the ways she wants however. I can tell you now if she called me and said things were all good I'd be there speeding over too!! Maybe not after reading your words though!

 

I somewhat feel these events are messing me up too, making me expect less in my next relationship, or just settling for not much affection at all. Something to think about. Still haven't talked to her since yesterday.

[friscodj]

I somewhat feel these events are messing me up too, making me expect less in my next relationship, or just settling for not much affection at all.

 

You are very wise to see this my man. This is a very real possible side effect of continuing to fight this battle.

 

Something like this can make you emotionally exhausted, shut down, and not present for someone who you'll meet in the future who really loves you as much as you love her...

 

At any rate, in my case, I didn't listen to anyone. My situation was different because it was my situation. She was my girl, I loved her more than I loved myself, and I wasn't just going to let this go...

 

So I had to learn these lessons the hard way...

[frida123]

Hello,

I am not sure if I am the one to say this to you, but anyway: what do you think that youre worth in terms of love and relationships? And is that what she is offering you?

[deelove2010]

It's been 6weeks since my ex gf of 11mths broke it off with me! she has made no effort to find out whats going on in my life even tough she said she like to be friends! I have emailed a few times but only saying Hi and if she is ok! I just can't seem to get her out of my mind, she always the first thought when i wake up and the last thought when I go to bed, even tough I can't sleep a wink!!! I just need to know is it silly of me to feel like this about a girl who I only been dating 11mths? we did spend most of our days together and I feel I truly loved her! I just can't see how a girl can just swicth off her emotions towards me so quickly! one month we were making plans for the future next month she leaves me! I just get this feeling she MUST be seeing someone else! I just need help in trying to get over her cos its so hard for me to do at this moment I've been in strict NC for about 2.5 weeks but I just tempted to ask her if she is seeing anyone so it can help me move forward! I just feel so down and depressed cos I did love the girl, I just can't help to think she used me! Am I being a loser thinking about a girl so much who I was only with for 11mths! pls your thoughts pls anyone

[johnnynz]

Just thought I'd give you guys an update on what's happened. She more or less decided for both of us that it's better we're apart. Which, to be perfectly honest, is probably the truth. I spoke to her a few weeks ago but since then I've messaged her and she hasn't replied. I'm guessing she's either hooked up with some guy or wants to just be on her own. Either way I don't really want to talk to her right now either so I'm just going to leave it. Hopefully we can be friends at some point.

 

I now realise that my longing to be friends with her is somewhat misguided - I don't want to be friends with her, I want to be in a relationship with her, and somehow I thought friends was the next best thing. Well, it really isn't.

 

Disappointing, yes. Over for good now? Yes. For the best, maybe.

[papalazarou]

deelove...nope you are not a loser mate.

 

However would knowing if she was with some other guy really help you?? Sometimes it is better to not know. If it was a yes you may freak out...

 

Deal in facts. The fact is she dumped you and paid the friends thing lip service just to make it easier - for her.

 

I truly feel your pain mate but the best thing you can do is try and forget about her. Easier said than done I know.

[papalazarou]

 

I now realise that my longing to be friends with her is somewhat misguided - I don't want to be friends with her, I want to be in a relationship with her, and somehow I thought friends was the next best thing. Well, it really isn't.

 

 

 

Amen to that.