Calling, everyday or every other day?

[Yates33]

Just curious...when you meet a person online and get them on the phone and they live a good distance away (about an hour) do you contact them everyday over the phone until you meet up for the first time? I am talking to someone and it I always end the conversation first and never go past half an hour, its only been a few days....in 4 days I;'ve called 3 our of the 4 and even though she seems distracted when I call, she doesnt want to let me go when I tell her "well, I gotta run now" even though I do leave anyway. Twice a day will bwe too much no? Is once a day okay or should I keep it once a day here, dont call one day call the next, etc until we meet?

[Batya33]

I met over 100 men in person when I did on line dating. Mostly I liked it best when we spoke once or twice before meeting - in order to confirm the plan and any other phone contact was just if the plan was changing. I didn't like getting attached to a voice or having anyone have raised expecations that we would click in person.

 

I wavered from this a few times and always with bad results, except once. In one case, he accused me of leading him on because I had spoken to him every night for a week before meeting (he called me and I enjoyed talking to him but when we met he seemed needy, insecure and negative - but gave great phone). Another guy I got attached to ended up being uncommunicative and hunched over in person (I always suspected he was married).

 

Also if you talk every day or every other day and you meet and one of you doesn't click - what then? Then you might feel obligated to call and tell her because you established this "connection" and routine of speaking regularly. Otherwise, since it's only a first meet, there is no olbigation to call if you don't want to go on a real date.

[melrich]

Do you have any plans to meet?

 

I would agree with Batya. Don't get into a long drawn out "phone/chat" relationship. Best to keep that low key and try and meet in person sooner rather than later.

[friscodj]

Hey Yates-

 

I'd like to address a deeper issue here. Why do you want to call her twice a day? That sounds a bit needy, maybe a bit desperate, and if not exhibited through the frequency of your phone calls, might show up at least on your first date through non-verbal communication.

 

Remember, at this point, you don't really know her. You think you know an idea of her exhibited by her online profile and and your one-dimensional communication to date, but you neither know her or the chemistry you two will or won't have.

 

At this point (and at any point really), focus on your life, what you have going for you, what makes you happy, hobbies, job, etc. Questioning calling someone in this situation twice a day tells me you are making this too big of a deal at this point and this enthusiasm can easily be perceived by her as neediness, clinginess, etc. especially seeing as she does not know you from the 5-10 other guys she is likely talking to online as well and hasn't met.

 

Keep this in perspective my friend. Don't get too attached or excited about an idea at this point.

[Yates33]

Thanks for the response. I completely agree, hence I really try to limit the time on the phone with her. The problem is, she lives over an hour away, so i am trying to set something up....so do you guys suggest work on setting something up while keeping phone contact minimal?

[Batya33]

Yes exactly - I met several men who lived over an hour away - we met during the day for lunch usually on a weekend. Not sure why it has to be complicated? And Frisco made a GREAT point.

[Yates33]

Completely agree bro. COMPLETELY. Thats the problem with people and me sometimes...getting too attached too quickly.

[melrich]

so do you guys suggest work on setting something up while keeping phone contact minimal?

 

I think set up a meeting. I mean keep talking on the phone but, yeah, don't overdo it. Without shared experiences and (I presume) social circles, fodder for conversation can dry up pretty quickly and then it just becomes awkward.

[Yates33]

I am going to continue on my mild phone calling, as she herself has told me "I am surprised you called" and never wants to let me get off the phone. What I will do, is text her tomorrow asking her to come down to the city I live i this weekend, she lives over an hour away, but she knows my city very well as she visits it alot, and I dont know her city at all...hence why I am asking her to come down.

 

Now I know most of you disagree with texting...but I disagree with you disagreeing. It is a very quick way to get a message accross without intruding. Its convenient and girls love texting back and forth. Plus you'll never be stuck without something to say and you respond at your leisure with no pressure.

[Batya33]

Texting is impersonal and will give you a false sense of knowing and connecting with this person and will make it seem easy to communicate because you can wait to respond - don't be surprised if it's not that easy in person, in part because of this texting habit.

 

Leave her wanting more - she says she wants to keep talking but why not save some for when you meet, like Melrich so wisely said.

[friscodj]

Thats the problem with people and me sometimes...getting too attached too quickly.

 

I know how you feel, I've done the same thing, and it has helped me get stuck in some bad relationships let me tell you...

 

There are two solutions I see here.

 

First, keep reminding yourself of this tendency and really focus on your life away from this situation; keep your mind busy with something else, don't obsess with these ideas.

 

The second solution sort of comes naturally. You just need to get bittered by life and relationships a bit more...like me...

[bigthings46]

what if your seeing a girl and she tells you that she doesnt want to get serious and wants to take things slow, but she calls you 3+ times a day??? I try not to answer all of the calls but I do feel obligated to call back. Should I put a few days in between calling back?

[Batya33]

Call her back and say "I am fine with wanting to take things slow but if that is really what you want, I don't have the time to talk to you every day. How about I call you once a week to set up a date and if you want to get serious, let me know and we can see/talk to each other more often."

 

I assume if she wants to take things slow you are allowed to date others too, right?

[Yates33]

Texting is impersonal and will give you a false sense of knowing and connecting with this person and will make it seem easy to communicate because you can wait to respond - don't be surprised if it's not that easy in person, in part because of this texting habit.

 

Leave her wanting more - she says she wants to keep talking but why not save some for when you meet, like Melrich so wisely said.

 

I agree that texting is not the way to connect with the person, but that's not the point of texting. If you make everything in a relationship (serious or not) deep and personal, it gets boring quick. When you want to get something light and flirty accross, texting is very useful. I agree with you in that its definetely not the way to go to connect to a person, but right now its a very light stage which should all be about light fun....hopefully setting up for something more serious later on, if that happens.

[Batya33]

I disagree - in this case you are not in a relationship - you are texting to someone you've never met - a stranger. Absolutely a relationship need not always be serious - indeed, it probably shouldn't be - I believe in connecting through banter - but that's not my point - when I say impersonal I don't mean it needs to be "personal" as in "serious" I mean it can't be lighthearted either when you are texting often particularly when the person is a stranger or you don't know them very well - it's a way of hiding behind a screen and it can come off as detached -- detached is not the same as light fun - it's just - detached and particularly when the person is a stranger.

 

Getting to know each other - lightheartedly and otherwise requires consistent in person time and then some phone conversations - texting can be for those little inside jokes when you're too busy to call - and to have those before you meet raises expectations that there will be more than a first date. also, the more you're "in her face" with emails, texts, phone, you might come accross as clingy.

 

I was always turned off by the men who wanted to IM a lot before we even met or even before we made plans to meet - raised a red flag to me that perhaps they had issues with getting to know each other and needed to hide behind a computer screen.

 

Is there a reason why you need to be in touch that often and in all those different ways before meeting in person? Do you think it will increase the chance of the two of you clicking when you meet in person? Does it make you less nervous to meet?

[omayra]

thats good that they actually dont want to let u go when u call her. well i think u should try calling her at least once a day, that will maybe show her that uu r still interested i dont know maybe who knows.

[ghost69]

she controlling