Help, opinions please

[maladjusted]

In advance sorry this is so long:

 

I was hoping to get you good peoples advice on my situation. I have posted before so you can look at my previous threads if you need a little history. WEll last November my ex came to me saying she needed space (cause she had just gotten out of a divorce) so I gave it to her. She came back to me and said she wanted to work things out but has been very distant. We worked out some issues and one of hers was that she did not want to talk all the time like we used to and to take it slow. I agreed and have been letting her make most of the contact.

Jumping to Valentines Day. I am working on my masters and have a long day of class on Wednesday's which is the day valentines fell on this year. I told her I was going to school but at the last minute decided to miss and spend time with her so I picked up some food and went to her apartment and hung out, watched tv, and talked. She has a male friend who she has been friends for a while so I asked her if he had sent her anything this year. He sent her a cookie last year so I knew he probably sent her something for V-day. She hesitated, stumbled on her words and then she finally spit it out that he had sent her flowers. I actually wasn't that upset because I knew he would.

 

Side note: he is married but having problems, serving in Iraq, and I know he likes her.

 

Anyway, I was not mad at that moment so I told her so it got late and I left. On my way home I started thinking about it and really got upset cause I just feel it is wrong for a married guy to be sending some other lady flowers for any reason. So on my way home she called to say I left something but I ignored her call and basically thought about the situation.

 

The next morning she called me and asked why I had not answered my phone and I told her I was annoyed and we proceeded to get into a big fight about the flowers he had sent her. I told her I didn't have a problem with them being friends but I know he likes her and to me that is different. I have friends that are girls but don't send them anything. So she tells me that the last time they talked she had told him that we had broken up so he probably didn't want her not to get anything for V-day so he sent them. She has told him before that they are just friends but he keeps doing this stuff so I was pretty upset. Needless to say we have been fighting alot lately.

 

Sorry this is long but I am getting to the conclusion: So this past weekend I had my kids which I get once a month since they live out of town. So my ex and I had agreed earlier in the week that we would hang out on Sunday after I drop my kids off at the airport. So on Saturday my ex phones me and remember she doesn't want to talk all the time and I have been letting her initiate most of the contact so I don't feel like I am smother her. She was on her way to a friends and I told her what I had been doing with my kids and the conversation is pleasant and we hang up with me making sure we were still good for Sunday.

 

Sunday: I wake up and get my kids breakfast and hang out with them. I do laundry, try studying and do some homework in between, and by the time you know it time as flown and I have to take them to the airport. I am looking forward to hanging out with my ex since I had not seen her in a while so I drop them my kids off at the airport around 6 pm and proceed to head to my ex's since we had plans. I call her but she doesn't answer so I decide to head back to my place. I call her a few more times but still no answer. So around 9 I start to get worried and go over to her place. I can hear the tv on and know she is home so I knock on the door. She doesn't answer and her dogs are going crazy barking. I knock somemore but still nothing so I call her and again no answer. I hang up and she is now calling me. I ask her if she is okay and that I was worried about her since she has not returned my calls and she says that she is annoyed with me since I had not called her all day and only called her on my way over from the airport. I tell her that she knew I had my kids and that I was busy with them. I ask her to let me in so we could talk about it and she says no that she doesn't want to see me. She also tells me that this situation is no different than me not answering her when she called on V-day when I was upset about the flower thing. I told her it was different in that we had plans and she just outright ignored me and had me worried. Pissed off by getting the silent treatment and filled with frustration from all of our prior drama I tell her to stop acting childish, selfish, and I would do her a favor and she wouldn't have to see me again in that I was done with this junior high relationship. We are both in our mid 30's.

 

I feel there might have been something else going on and she just used me not calling as an excuse but I am not positive. Plus I sometimes have a problem reacting to situations because I get very emotional in the heat of battle so my questions to you wise people is who is more wrong? How would yall have reacted getting the silent treatment? Do you think her reason is valid? Thanks for taking the time to read!

[maladjusted]

okay after reading my post it sounds like we both have been acting pretty childish and been playing petty games. anyway, just glad i was able to post this and read what i wrote so i could see how silly we both have been acting.

[blender]

And the most important thing you expressed in so many words is that you and this woman do NOT share the same "values/standards" for defining a relationship. It's hard to respectfully embrace the idea of a woman who would willingly accept flowers from a married man, or talk to him as "a friend" when she knows that this would be hurtful to his wife, and it's not in any way respecting of "marriage'.. in good shape or in trouble, when someone is married a "respectful, values driven woman would NOT be involved in any way.... unless she was also friends with his wife, and was honest about all and any communication between him and herself.

 

So no matter how much you are hoping to repair whatever is going on between the two of you, it's probably a good time for you to instead ask yourself why you are willing to be involved wiith a woman who does not respect someone else's marriage? Is that okay for you?

 

Is this a good example of a woman's lack of values for your own children... yes I know they don't know, but they will sense your anxiety and resentment, and that is not good for them.. and I'm sure you want to put them first, right? So please take some time to ask yourself what you respect, admire, and love about his woman.. and does it fall within your own values and standards in love and life?

[maladjusted]

blender thanks for the reply and your right in all of your points. i agree with your assessment with our values being different. i even told her that maybe they should date seeing how they both didn't see anything wrong with him sending her flowers and they seem to have this great friendship. anyway, i think we both are needing time away from each other and with your help it looks like i have a lot of tough questions i need to answer. thanks for giving me a different perspective.