so confused

[pearlylove]

I wrote before, but I was hoping I could try again for more responses, because I really am lost. My ex broke up with me 2 weeks ago and started dating a girl he didnt even know but was introduced to by his best friend a week later. He's already talking about marriage with her but he is still trying to be friends with me and hang out because he says he doesn't want to lose the one person who knows more about him than anyone else. But, will I just get dumped off the side of the earth when this girl begins to know him more than I do? Or is it possible that he's being sincere and doesn't want to lose touch with me because he really does think I'm a good person. He keeps saying he doesn't want to lose touch because he thinks we really did have something and the future is a possibility, as I can't help but believe, but all this is hurting me beyond belief right now. He says this but talks about marriage with another girl? SO CONFUSED!!

 

I tried to do the no contact for three days, but then he ended up coming up to visit me like...6 times in one day on that last day. (He lives RIGHT downstairs in my dorm...) I don't know what I could do "please stay away from me?" I dunno...seems harsh to me. But should I just deal with it and hope that when we are both truly out of each others lives that if it IS meant to be that we will get back? But then again I worry that if we do lose contact that we never will want to get back in touch.

 

Oh, and another thing, this new girlfriend of his is coming to visit him this weekend because his parents wont give him his car to go visit her because they thought i was the one and they want him to think about things. they know it's his decision but they also think he's doing this as a rebound even though she is a really nice girl. SO, problem is, it's gonna be VERY DIFFICULT to avoid her since the bathroom is on HIS floor and i have to pass his floor to get inside and outside. So do I just deal with meeting her for a few minutes and then leave to get it over with? Or do I go home and let him control that aspect of my life? Or do ...I don't know!!!

 

PLEASE HELP ME OUT!!!

[wolfleg]

You are very confused and hurt by your ex's behaviors. He wants you in his life but also wants his new girl friend. You think he might want to get back with you some day, but who can know the future. You will feel more empowered if you make decisions about what you want. How long are you willing to be in extreme pain while waiting on your ex? You can decide to cut off any future possibilities with your ex. This would give you some sense of power. You can decide to not let him come over and see you and talk about his new girlfriend, this would also give you some sense of power. As long as you wait and hope that the decisions he makes about you and him are in your favor, you have very little power and control over this aspect of your life. My advice; don't let him have his cake and pie too.

 

wolfleg

link removed

[nadine_3110]

Right when I started reading your post, I found a flaw. You're keeping in contact with an ex very soon after a break up. That's a mistake right there. I know that you don't want to seem harsh but if you're not over this guy, if you still think about him all the time, then it's not good to see him as much as you do. I understand that he lives really close to you but that's no excuse. The next time he comes over alone, try to sit and talk to him, tell him that it really hurts you to see him move on so quickly and you still want to be friends, but you can't so soon after the break up. Tell him you need some time to heal before being friends with him again. If you're so important to him, he'll be able to wait.

 

As for him going out with this new girl and saying he wants to marry her, it's so odd. Either she is a rebound and it won't last very long, or he was never really that into you and he does really like this girl. But it sounds to me like it's a rebound and saying you wanna marry someone when you just met them is kinda crazy.

 

Good luck!"

[pearlylove]

wow, both of you, thank you so much. yeah, so far I've asked him not to talk about this new girl. I guess you're right about the fact that I kinda am letting him have power over me by keeping in touch with him so soon after the break up. I guess I will give it some time, some time alone, to do stuff for ME. Is it wrong of me to hope that we can be in touch eventually even if it doesn't lead to something bigger in the future? I'll write more when I get back from volunteering--right now i'm keeping myself busy so I don't dwell on things too much. I'll give more of a response cuz there IS more i'd like to say/ask/inquire

[pearlylove]

You know what? What you said about "don't let him have his cake AND PIE TOO" really struck a note in me. I see what you're getting at, and I'm glad you brought it too my attention now. You are SO right. And what else...i don't have any control over his decision no matter what...so why should I spend my time worrying about it?

 

how bout this...do you have any advice BESIDES TIME about how the hell to get myself to stop thinking these suicidal and hurtful thoughts?? I keep thinking if I wasnt good enough for the one person i thought was the best in this world...how am i gonna be good enough for someone else? and qualities that i thought were good were apparently annoying and bad in his opinion. I've never bashed myself so bad. I mean i know i'm harsh about myself TO ME...but this was from someone ELSE!!! = (

 

Okay, and nadine, i'll start taking your advice. I've already started. I deleted him from my contacts list on AIM and my email, and i took him off my cell, that way if i get the urge to call him, i cant. Just...right now he owes me a lot of money and he's also wanting to use the money to see this new girlfriend. I'm afraid if i dont go to him every now and then to MAKE HIM GIVE ME MONEY, he'll use it to go to her. I know he'll pay me back eventually, but i dont want my money going to her, and i also want the money NOW instead of LATER. I really dont know what to do. I don't want to keep much contact with him /any at all...but i dont want to lose that money. HELP PLEASE. It helps to see that it does indeed seem okay to be friends IN TIME, just not NOW. cuz NOW is when i can't take it. NOW is when it's tearing me apart.

 

And another question: (it's ALL I HAVE right now = ( ) part of me wonders if him talking about marrying this other girl really is odd, don't they say when you know, you know?? I mean...maybe you're right. maybe he didn't love me as much as i thought he did...which just made me cry again. GRRR

 

 

okay i think i'm good for venting now. sorry i didn't have time to reply earlier. please be with me guys.

[annalise23]

Pearlylove

 

Throwing yourself in the gutter because of a guy is not the way to go! Guys come and go, and just becasue this guy didnt appreciate all your good qualitites, thats his lost. Some guy out there will think the world of you, love you for all your qualties. It just takes time.

Heatbreak hurts like hell, but it makes you stronger and you will be ok!!

 

Keep busy! Do things you enjoy and keep your mind occupied.

Talk on here too, everyone is here to help.

[melrich]

Do I have this right? He broke up with you 2 weeks ago, met a girl a week later (1 week ago) and is talking about marrying her?

 

I think you should just stand clear of this trainwreck and concentrate on looking after yourself.

[annalise23]

Do I have this right? He broke up with you 2 weeks ago, met a girl a week later (1 week ago) and is talking about marrying her?

 

I think you should just stand clear of this trainwreck and concentrate on looking after yourself.

 

DITTO!!!!!!

[pearlylove]

Yeah...you have the facts right. And you know what? I've been laughing at it ever since I read it. TRAINWRECK. you are AMAZING!!! damn. thanks. first laugh i've had in a while. And you know what ELSE??? I FINALLY (2 weeks...) gave in--No Contact it is. I let him know that it is not against him, that's it's for the best for me and (most likely) him, that I need my space for ME right now instead of all the time I spend thinking about when I am going to see him next and such, and that I'm not intending it to be permanent (if it is...then it's a message, but I still see him as far too good a guy to lose completely, he just SUCCCKKKSSS with breakups. I mean, momentous JERK about it sometimes!!!) and that maybe someday when all the pieces are put together, my confusion is gone, and I can think/LOOK at him without my heart breaking inside, THEN maybe we can try the friends deal.

 

Kinda sucks, but I really have a feeling it's gonna be okay. He's just really mad b/c he feels like i'm taking the easy way out. I just tried to explain as best i could that this isnt going to be easy...it's gonna be HARD...but he still thinks trying to be friends would be better. I just think it'll work out better in the future days (IF THAT HAPPENS) if we can try it after all is settled and hard feelings are ..settled...put to rest? i dunno the word.

 

So my best friend and I are going HOME this weekend. Mad that he's controlling this part of me and that i'm leaving b/c of him, but it'll be far better off than knowing he's downstairs kissing this other girl. FAHK. ouh that still makes me angry.

 

 

Anyways, he wants to write me one last letter before we start the NC for good. I have a quiz on friday 9am, I'm LEAVING friday at 2pm...my problem? he wants me to read it in front of him...or should I say NO...or should I decide the time before the quiz or before driving home? HELP HELP HELP He read my letter in front of me and he thinks it's only fair for the same to be done to him. What do you think? I HONESTLY CANT DECIDE = (

 

 

and "Some guy out there will think the world of you, love you for all your qualties"...i HOPE YOU'RE RIGHT, but i still wonder if that' even possible. depression? how the hell can you like that?? i've been on medz and seeing a psych for it but still.....

[kiama]

oh my god, im hurting too.... this forum is all that keeping me sane

 

my advice, tell him you will read the letter when you get back... end of story. yes you are going to read it like he wants u to, but u dont do it how he tells u to, (in front of him) and when.... u tell him u appreciate the letter and u will read it when u get back.

 

good luck.

hope we get through this together

xx

[pearlylove]

thats wonderful, i dont know what to say but thank you.

[kiama]

i hope i did not mean to sound harsh there... i just want you to get happy again. ive just been out for the first time since break up, looked my prettiest, but ive come home.... too stressed bout it all. didnt see him..... gave in to n.c. and stuff,sent a message to him

 

no reply.

 

all i meant to say is that you should show him ur willing to read the letter, but that he has no control over you, by you saying 'ok, ill read the letter when i get back.....' so he knows you have atleast some oomph... that youre not entirely directed and ordered by him....

 

thats all... too sad to wright more, u can get in touch with me personally if u want..........................

 

just let me know. i need you all too.

 

x

x

x