Hootz Posted March 2, 2007 Author Share Posted March 2, 2007 Day 3 of being apart from my family, and it's not getting any easier. I am trying my hardest to stay positive, and get rid of any negative thoughts in my head, but it's hard. I miss them all so very very much, I just want to hold them, and tell them how much I love them all. She mentioned she needed a few days, which I feel is just about up, but I don't want to contact her prematurley, in case she sees it as "pressure". I want to portray that I am confident, and strong, without appearing that I don't care. AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!! I wish I could wind back the clock, and start again!! Link to comment
Hootz Posted March 2, 2007 Author Share Posted March 2, 2007 Have just had the below as part of a post on another forum, and has really confused me, is this what my wife is wanting also? When I left I was hoping my partner would show some signs of missing me, of really wanting me back - but he didn't/hasn't. He hasn't put himself out in anyway or done anything unexpected - the sort of thing that turns your stomach and makes you thing 'WOW this person really loves me!' I don't knowif I should take this course, or stay with the little contact thing?? I talked to her on the phone after I said goodnight to the kids last night, and she said that she was going to her mum and dads, so I could move back in to the house to look after the cat and dog, and then they will be home on Sunday, and then I could see the kids, and we could have a talk. So I asked if she was ready, and she said, well we've got to talk about it sometime.... I don't know if this is positive, or negative, probably elaning towards the negative.... I'm so sad, all I want to do, is express all of the love I have for my wife and kids, and then have them return it..... is that too much to ask? Link to comment
bacci Posted March 2, 2007 Share Posted March 2, 2007 Stay with the little contact thing. Not one gesture at this point will make a difference and it could be too much drama. Avoid the drama at all costs. Do not precipitate anything, don't ask what she has decided, do not have this conversation by yourselves, have a counseling session to discuss your options, it might increase the chances that she makes the decision to reinvest in the marriage. It seems like she has been getting her affection needs fulfilled outside of the marriage for a while now, that would need to change, but only she can make that decision and open up to you. I am worried that you say you'd rather disappear form the children's life than to be a part time dad. If this is just an emotional reaction try to think again, it would be more than just unfair to abandon them, it would be devastating and frankly, if you truly love them you'll find the strength in yourself to be there for them and love them and help them grow up. They need you and when you love the needs of those we love, especially children, come first. Don't do this to them nor to yourself, you'll regret it at some point and the damage on them would be tremendous. Please think again. If you are saying this unconsciously trying to manipulate her into not leaving, I'm afraid it won't work. If she decides to leave, she will, nothing will stop her and this abandonment is something that she'll interpret as a threat, she'll get angry and resentful, in any case she'll blame it on you, it will backfire. Believe me, you can't use the children as leverage. Yes, her going to her parents translates as her gathering support, perhaps she has made a decision. How young was your wife when you got married? Having two small children can be exhausting and demanding and doesn't leave much time for yourself, perhaps she feels overwhelmed and like she's missing out in life, that her youth is being spent doing tedious chores...is she a stay at home mom? I've been there and it gets really tough and lonely...but that can be adressed... the only thing you can do at this point that will make a difference is to stay quiet, do not push for a decision, tell her nothing needs to be decided just yet, that perhaps you haven't exhausted all your options and that maybe another counselor could help you explore what those are, but be calm, you can be honest and tell her your marriage and your family mean a lot to you and that its been hard to be apart but that you're willing to do what it takes and that you're willing to give her all the time it takes, and remind her nothing needs to be resolved just now, that you need professional help to sort things out so that you don't rush into anything ok? and do not rush into anything. Perhaps you could move out of the room but go back to the house, it would be better if you find a way to be back in the family home, give her the room but try to position yourself back in the house, but do this gently, good luck. Bacci Link to comment
bacci Posted March 3, 2007 Share Posted March 3, 2007 Perhaps I overlooked something here. sorry about that. She told you to come back to the house, and that then you would talk. So perhaps it is good. No use speculating, go back home and perhaps have fresh flowers waiting for her, something nice but don't go overboard. And since she wants to talk, listen to her but if you see that its leading nowhere call for a stop of action and suggest you discuss things with a counselor and not to rush anything, remain positive, calm and firendly. Good luck, and I'm sorry if I am insisting on the children's behalf but believ me that i ahve everyone's best interest in mind, but feel strongly that they are the most vulnerable and need to be protected and loved above all. All the best, Bacci Link to comment
Hootz Posted March 3, 2007 Author Share Posted March 3, 2007 Thanks for everything. They are about 3 hours from comng home (I guess), and I'm getting a little anxious. I have played out as many scenarios in my head as to what could happen, and have prepared myself to deal with these in a calm relaxed manner. However, I am scared that when it comes to that point in time, that I may not be as calm and relaxed as I had planned.... Can't wait to see them...... ALL!! Link to comment
bacci Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 Hootz, how are you? How was the encounter? What happened? Please give an update when you have a chance. Link to comment
Hootz Posted March 4, 2007 Author Share Posted March 4, 2007 Well..... I'm back in the house, back in the same bed (but if we had a spare room, I would be in there). We have decided to give it another try!! We have talked through our issues, and sorted just about all of them..... The only issue I still have, that I expressed last night, but she got wound up about, wasoutside influences in our relationship! Namely her best friend! I asked if we could keep our relationship issues between ourselves, and not involve anybody else, but she said tat she still needs er support. Her best friend has been divorced before, and is currently on medication for depression, and she is giving my wife advice on marriage???!!!! My wife refuses to choose between us (not that I have asked her to). When we decided to give us another try, I could sense that she was uneasy about it, and after a little questioning, worked out that she was worried about what er friend was going to think!! So my plan is...... to be as nice asI possibly can, without suffocating her, and show her friend that she was wrong!!!! Hardest part will be keeping negative thoughts out of my head... wish me luck (again).... Will also post this in getting back together, and start a fresh thread Link to comment
bacci Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 Hootz that's wonderful! Don't worry too much about the friend, her friend will basically support her in any decision she makes, or she would end up not being her friend for much longer. My advise is to not fight her friend, try to be nice to her, don't give her any reason to be antagonistic, just be friendly ,polite, period. Do not feel threatened by her friend , if you wife gets happier in the relationship her friend will support that and if not then your wife will put distance in their friendship, trust me on this one. What about the counselor? you do need one... Yeah, move to the getting back together forum. I'm very happy with your good news. B Link to comment
Hootz Posted March 4, 2007 Author Share Posted March 4, 2007 Thanks mate! Your support and advice has helped me immensly!!!!! Link to comment
Iceman26 Posted March 5, 2007 Share Posted March 5, 2007 My wife refuses to choose between us (not that I have asked her to). When we decided to give us another try, I could sense that she was uneasy about it, and after a little questioning, worked out that she was worried about what er friend was going to think!! This is a big problem, and I hope you are going to be able to work through this one. Good luck to you Hootz. Link to comment
Hootz Posted March 5, 2007 Author Share Posted March 5, 2007 I don't know, but the feeling I am getting is that either she doesn't care what her friend thinks now, or her friend doesn't care, or I had it completely wrong, because we seem to be getting along good, with no mention, of how things will affect her friend..... Link to comment
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