discipline and toddler

[donna4700]

I need some advice before i lose my sanity. I have a 21 month old and a new addition (2 week old), both boys. I love them both very much. I'm having trouble with my 21 month old, it started about 2 months before my new baby was born. He is always getting into things, even when I have told him NO 10 times a day he still has to touch it. I am pretty sure he understands NO because there are times, rare but he does listen. I have never wanted to spank my children but I have resorted to this measure, I feel so bad when I do have to spank him. It really hurts me to have to spank a 2 year old. I understand that they do these things out of curiosity, but its not new things its things i have told him No or don't touch day after day several times a day. even when i tell him No before he does it he still continues. I don't know if its Hormones, but about a month before i had my new son i began to feel very aggravated with my older son even enraged when he won't listen to me. Then he began to throw tantrums and he screams and throws himself on the floor. I feel like I'm to blame for this because he has seen my temper and is mimicking me. I just feel so overwhelmed could this be symptoms of Postpartum depression?... How can I work with my son to relieve his tantrums?..any advice on how to relieve my anger??](*,)

[chickidee23]

When you tell him no, do you explain to him why you are saying no? He may only be two years old but he is a lot smarter than you may realize. If you find yourself getting aggravated with him, put him in time out for a few minutes (being sure to ignore him) while you calm down and then explain to him why he is in time out and why he can not do what put him there. A lot of children act out for attention (they do not care that it is negative attention) and it seems to me that he may be feeling like he is not getting the attention he used to due to a new baby. Putting him in time outs show him that his actions are not going to get him any attention- I would also reccommend being sure to give him positive attention whenever you can (ie praising him for helping pick up toys or eating all his lunch- just small things like that) and he will soon realize what gets him attention and what doesn't. I hope this helps and GOOD LUCK!!!!!

[texami]

hi donna, sorry you're feeling this way. I can relate, at least with the anger part! my kids are two years apart and still young... 4&6. i think that maybe what you're feeling could be related to depression because i am starting to think that about myself. i also get really pissed off at the kids and way over-react sometimes with how angry i feel. this didn't happen to me post-partum, but i do have other signs of depression now that i'm just starting to realize.

 

do you have a little help dealing with your boys? any chance of some free time? sometimes the constant "togetherness" fuels my feelings... i just can't stand anything they do when i've been with them constantly for days at a time.

 

also, though, i would immediately talk to your doctor about your feelings. i'm glad you are examining them and want to relieve your anger. anger can be associated with depression... and that aspect of it is what is making me look into myself.

 

best of luck, and keep posting if what i say doesn't match with your situation... there are lots of great people here!!

[i_am_me]

First off congratulations on your new baby! Well, you could tell your two year old that if he listens good that he could have a treat? I don't know. It's hard to say because I don't know your son's personality or whether or not he can talk and so on.

 

What kind of stuff does he get into? You are supposed to put things that he can't have out of reach (even though most kids would probably just climb stuff to get to it). I know it's tough to watch him all of the time because of the new baby.

 

He might just be looking for attention because of your new addition to the family. Or maybe because he's just two and that's how kids that age are. Curious.

 

I've also been told that you are not supposed to show any of your anger towards anyone in front of your child because it makes him think it's okay to throw fits and be angry at everyone else. You could try calmly explaining to him why it's not okay to do what he's doing and refuse to talk to him until he's done throwing his fit by saying "I can't understand you when you are whining at me so when you want to talk calmly I will talk with you." (If he can talk).

 

I'm sorry I can't help that much. I know it's frustrating to handle kids that age but it will end soon hopefully.

[i_am_me]

Also that is a very cute picture of your boys.

[texami]

i didn't really touch on the discipline part, did i??!!

 

well, chickadee mentioned some good things... 2 is just a hard age because they don't have a good grasp on being punished yet, but they do have lots of power to push your buttons! he is looking for attention... but unfortunately his life has changed with the baby. my girl was older, and i think she handled it ok, but she was never one of those "push the envelope" kids. my boy, on the other hand, would be just like your oldest!! unfortunately they are a handful. i think if you felt better inside... worked out the anger or possible depression issues... you would be able to deal with him so that it wouldn't send you over the edge each time. i know that for me lots of things depend on my mood... i am better with them and they act better when i am in a good place.

 

best of luck!

[Ash]

We're going to be in the same situation ourselves soon when our newest arrives. My son is 16 months and already throws himself on the floor the odd time when he gets frustrated. It's generally when he's very tired and his toys won't cooperate or something like that. I was also there more than a decade ago with my ex wife and our kids at the time.

 

A big part of it is definitely attention. He will certainly be noticing that your day no longer centers on him and he darned well doesn't like that. He will learn to adjust in time, and he will also figure out he's the "big brother" and gets privileges and things his younger sibling doesn't. Until that time though you may very well have your hands full.

 

One common thing is to try and distract him from an activity he shouldn't be doing rather than immediately punish him for it. Perhaps it's time to move him on to the next level of development which may engage his mind more than now. This may be slightly more advanced books, puzzles, rudimentary building toys, toys that require more motor skills or higher level of reasoning. Something that will be a lightly bigger mental and/or physical challenge.

 

If possibly, you could try to set aside some time just for him and you. Time that you hand the baby off to somebody else. It becomes a special time for just him and you and the baby isn't anywhere in the picture. That way he'll learn that mom still loves and spends time with him. If you can try and do that at about the same time every day then if may be something you can remind him throughout the day that is coming. Think of special things to do with him that are not baby things, but rather are things that big boys do.

 

During the course of your day, see if you can get him to help you with the baby. This may be fetching or holding diapers, shaking a rattle for the baby, telling anybody else that is either in the house or visiting to be quite because the baby is asleep, helping you put the groceries away, or fold the wash. He doesn't actually have to really do anything terribly useful, but just be there and in his mind at least he'll be helping mom. That will hopefully give him a deeper sense of usefulness, belonging and achievement.

[donna4700]

Thanks so much for replying so quickly!! Thank you for the compliments I do have 2 handsome little guys!! A few things he he cannot quit touching are the t.v. the other day i went to the bathroom i was in there about 2 mins and i came out and he pulled all the keys off of my laptop,( we have told him time and time again not to touch the computer). I try my hardest to give him attention, i don't really have anyone to give me a break, and my husband is the same way but he thinks spanking is alright,( i tried to tell him not if your mad, cause people over-react when their mad)he is stubborn, I don't feel i would ever hurt my son, I just want to get this under control now before I possibly get worse.I know to put things up that I don't want him to touch but he has to know limits too, Just like GOD put the tree in the middle of the garden. not to tempt Adam and Eve but to set limits. Thanks for your advice

[melrich]

He might just be looking for attention because of your new addition to the family.

 

I agree. He is definitely looking for your attention and even a spanking is better than nothing to him at the moment.

 

First I'd ask are the things you are saying "No" to dangerous for him or just messes that are inconvenient to you? He will definitely understand what "no" means but it has become a game to him. You are constantly saying "no" and he is seeing this as a reaction from you to him.

 

So if his activities are not dangerous I'd advise you stop saying "no" all the time. He will very soon get sick of opening that drawer or whatever.

 

If you are not already doing so, try and give in a couple of hours a day just you and him time, complete attention.

 

PS. It is the parents choice to spank or not but either way it is not really appropriate for a 21 month old. He won't understand it at all as he has no concept of action vs consequences yet. If you are going to spank as a discipline really it should not be used until around 4 years of age.

 

His little world has been turned upsaide down and he is just not old enough to process why that has happened. The idea of getting him involved with the baby is a good one too. Ask him to help (pass you the nappies or some such). The more involved he is the less resentment he will feel about no longer being the centre of attention.

 

It's a fine line but one of the best bits of advice we got was only fight the battles you have to.

[Scout]

Donna, congratulations for not having quite lost your sanity yet. Boy, I feel for you, because toddlers and a new baby are a handful, no doubt about it.

 

I think it's important to understand that even if you do find an ideal method of discipline for a toddler, it may take a while for it to actually start working. As toddlers' don't have the cognitive abilities yet to catch on as fast as older children do. SO - just as important will be for you to practice some stress-reducing techniques, because let's face it, there isn't an overnight solution to this so you might as well at least feel calmer and less stressed in the interim.

 

Some possible ideas...

 

1. Have you heard of a book series called Love and Logic? According to their website, it's "a philosophy of raising and teaching children which allows adults to be happier, empowered, and more skilled in the interactions with children. Love allows children to grow through their mistakes. Logic allows children to live with the consequences of their choices. Love and Logic is a way of working with children that puts parents and teachers back in control, teaches children to be responsible, and prepares young people to live in the real world, with its many choices and consequences." You can learn more about them and order some of their books at their website (or off of Amazon) at: link removed

 

2. When's the last time you spent some time with...Donna? You absolutely cannot be a mom 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 52 weeks a year, without some personal downtime for yourself. Is it possible you can take at least an hour a day all to yourself, and a couple times a week, get out of the house on your own? I think this will really help you keep your perspective more balanced. Because the more you start to feel your sole purpose is to be a parent, the more stress you are heaping on yourself everytime something goes wrong, or at least doesn't go the way it does on Leave it to Beaver.

 

So if you can take some extra time for yourself for breakfast, or an evening walk...that would be a good start.

 

Also, remember to laugh. Check out some of Erman Bombeck's books about parenting. There is no funnier humorist in America on the subject of parenting than Erma!

[Scout]

Thanks so much for replying so quickly!! Thank you for the compliments I do have 2 handsome little guys!! A few things he he cannot quit touching are the t.v. the other day i went to the bathroom i was in there about 2 mins and i came out and he pulled all the keys off of my laptop,( we have told him time and time again not to touch the computer).

 

Some battles you may have to choose your strategies a little differently. In this case, I'd just move the laptop out of his reach until he's old enough to really understand no/why he can't touch it, or at least to resist the temptation to touch it.

[texami]

Some battles you may have to choose your strategies a little differently. In this case, I'd just move the laptop out of his reach until he's old enough to really understand no/why he can't touch it, or at least to resist the tempation to touch it.

 

agreed, Scout. you pretty much have to remove things that he should never touch. He just can't exercise that level of control yet... he doesn't do things with malice or forethought, which is why the concept of "punishment" isn't really applicable. the repetition of teaching him what he can and can't do through this age and as he gets a bit older are the foundations for discipline.

 

just my two cents, but i think you are right about not wanting to spank. the anger issue regarding your husband is right... you should never spank to make YOUR anger lessen. at that age all you really say with spankings are "I'm bigger and I can hurt you". he doesn't have the knowledge to put it together that spanking is meant to be a punishment. again, just my two cents.

[Bethany]

When I felt like you and when I was at my wit's end I bought a book called "Toddler Taming" for the very same reasons, which I found became my BIBLE for both my children and definitely sorted out ALL the problems in a short time I'm so pleased to say and I highly recommend it. It's a very difficult, stressful time for you right now, so don't struggle on alone Read that book and others too. The more practical support you can get, the better.