I've never really felt this way

[isabellacantinos]

its getting worse. I have to start thinking about my future and I get SOO nervous about doing the dumbest things.

 

I'm really starting to hate myself, to hate everything I am. I can be so pathetic, I havent even tried to apply for some jobs, and only try when I'm really pushed.

 

the worst part of this is my boyfriend. hes an angel. hes perfect. he has a great job and gets paid well, he has ALOT of money. he took the SATs and applied for a college and its alot harder for him to do these things because his school doesnt initiate learning. he did it all on his own. he used to be terrified of stupid things like I am now. but he had a good enough family to help him overcome it.

 

everything about his life is wonderful. I feel so trashy next to him. his parents treat me like a daughter. I love them. theyve helped me through so much

 

and yet sometimes I just want to kill myself. I just want to die so I dont have to face the unbearable pain I deal with

and its getting worse. tonight I sobbed on the phone to my bf, and nothing he said soothed me.

 

and he had to get off the phone, he had to work the next day, I have to go to school

 

I was so so sad I did something I've never done before. I lit a candle and held my hand over the flame...I just wanted the pain to go away. and it did.

 

I know its so wrong, but why does it hurt so much, why am I so depressed? I mean I really really wanted to die. and I really HATE myself sometimes

 

I've lost control of myself. sometimes I feel so hopeless. I've never had a job and I've tried to get one only a few times. I cant seem to DO anything.

 

god I wish i was just BETTER. like him. but I'm not I'm weak and a failure

 

why am I like this? why cant I just get better? I cant do ANYTHING...and just thinking about it brings more tears

 

I need help, I need something to balance me, I'm so pathetic

[Newo Ikkin]

I hear what you're saying, isabella. I understand that sometimes, a lot of the time, NOTHING anybody says feels of any consolation whatsoever.

 

This sounds so typically routine, but have you seen somebody?

 

Sometimes these things are more chemical than psychological. It may be something you cannot control without help.

[Stu147]

Hi Isabella,

 

Really sorry to hear that you are not in a good place at the moment. Everything you say leads me to agree with Newo, that there might be a factor beyond your control that is causing you to feel the way you do. And while it is keeping you down you are punishing yourself for your inability to do things, which really isn't being fair on yourself. Perhaps if you stopped and considered for a minute that you have an illness, psychological or otherwise, then you might give yourself a break. If you had the flu would you punish yourself for feeling bad? Would you punish yourself for being too weak to get out of bed, or too hazy to think about the future? Of course you wouldn't, you would accept that you are ill, and you would defend that position to anyone who sought to doubt you.

 

Where you are blaming yourself for your inability to cope right now, it could be that this is way beyond your control. But either way don't punish yourself. Seek professional/medical help before things get any worse. And please, if I can ask you to do just one thing, when you're feeling really low and feel like you need to hurt yourself then drop me or someone else here a message and talk to us. Many of us have been where you are, you don't have to do this alone.

 

I really wish you all the best, take care...