Worthless (venting)

[thyroxine]

This first part might sound a bit confusing, but bear with me please! My boyfriend's friend is an amazing woman. Frankly, I'm jealous of her, but this isn't the issue I'm tackling. She had a job as an animation writer, she's confident, she's insanely intellegent, she's fluent in 6 (or more) languages...you get the picture. I know my boyfriend hates it, but I do tend to compare myself to her.

 

Today I was reflecting in my journal as to why I am such a jealous person. While doing this, I realized that I feel completely worthless. I'm not (what I would consider) good at anything. I'm a mediocre at everything I do. I have no talents whatsoever that I can offer the world. This is why I'm so jealous of people like my bf's friend. She has so much to offer. She's a useful human being. The only thing I can see myself being good at is complaining. I feel so worthless right now. At least I have a good work ethic, I guess. But that always leads to me being walked over.

 

I don't know if any of this makes sense and I don't even know if this is the right place for this. I keep going over suicide in my head. If I cut, my boyfriend will be upset....he doesn't know that I have the urge to all the time. I just want to cut up my face. I can't stand who grew up to be.

[afrodite79]

When i read your post it felt like i'd writen it myself. I feel exactly the way you do a lot. I had a friend at my old job who I was extremely jealous of. She was just such an amzing person in every way. I'd feel like crap being around her and i hated myself.

 

I'm still working on my feelings so i don't really have any advice. I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone with how you're feeling.

[insecure246]

I also feel this way alot. That I'll never be the best and that I'll always be last and that I'm sub-par at best in everything that I do. And that nothing will EVER change. ](*,)

[TheFoglifter]

Did it ever occur to any of you that the people who are "good" at stuff might have spent years upon years acquiring these skills? There are always going to be people who are born with gifts that make certain things easier, but you can always overcome that with hard work.

 

Some of you just sound discouraged because you think you aren't making progress fast enough. I know you don't want to hear that someone else has it worse than you, but until you see things from other viewpoints, you'll never be able to help yourself.

 

The OP, for example, HAS a boyfriend. That alone is something plenty of girls would envy her for. Obviously she has done something right.

 

The person with the animation job may have spent years upon years practicing. Perhaps if you had met her 10 years ago, you'd have seen a struggling frustrated girl trying to master the first chapter in "drawing for beginners". Perhaps she was trying to conjugate the verb "etre" in beginners french.

 

But no, you've only encountered her today, AFTER she has learned all that. I had an art teacher who told me that he had to work very hard to draw the way he did. Languages can be learned if you apply yourself.

 

What are you waiting for? The longer you wait, the longer it'll take.

[thyroxine]

Yes, I know there's some good that I have in me...but it doesn't help. To clarify: she's a writer, not an artist. She writes for certain animations on TV. Overall, I'm just comparing intellegence. She has a 180 IQ. Her parents are top animators in Hollywood (Finding Nemo, etc.) as well as top writers for animations. That's how she landed her job. In that regard, I'm not too jealous of her. My parents? ...well, even if they were rich it wouldn't matter. I don't get a dime.

 

I do work hard for what I do. I pay my own bills (rent, school, life, etc.), bought myself a very good car, I'm keep up with school even though I have multiple jobs...I'm just reaching a point where I'm seeing how I poured everything I had into school and, at most, I get nothing in return. If I don't understand something, I make sure I'll get the help I need....in some regards, I'm very independent. But I also see how I'm just crashing. Sometimes I think that maybe I'm spreading myself too thin. I had to take a break from one of my jobs (my full-time-but-the-boss-says-I-only-work-part-time job) because I was ended up with 3 hours at night to sleep. Sometimes I would have a Saturday off. Arg...sorry. I'm babbling again.

 

I know I'm not the worst off, but I am admitting that I am a pretty worthless individual with no true talents to offer no matter how hard I try. I speak and write (not as fluent as I would like...) French, Spanish, and German. I know I have a natural talent at art, but it's like I hit a wall where I can't go any further.....

 

Again, I'm babbling. Basically I feel like I hit a wall. I can't be better that what I am now. So I've spent years trying to be good...this is me just finally giving into the fact that maybe I'll never be as good as I want. I'll still try, but that's just me being stubborn. I've just lost my spark.

 

I guess what truly sparked this is years of seeing myself put my all into learning, practicing, etc....and poof. Nothing. Well, maybe not nothing. I finally got a boyfriend that doesn't abuse me. That's something nice.

 

[[For the record: I really don't know what I just said in the above post. I'm just letting all my feelings rush out into whatever form they want to come out in.]]