i need her back....

[devast]

Can anyone help me sort things out what's in her mind and in her heart.. She have loved me so much for the past 2 years..She only hoped to give for my happiness..

 

I have hurt her so badly... we broke up three weeks ago.. I ignored her when she had waited for me to just come to her the first week and she said she should have hugged me, no questions asked, if I had come the day she called me she misses my voice...It was just about my stupid ego...I hurt her I know..

 

I tried to see her last week and just the other day to apologize and everything...and that I promised her I wont ask anything from her anymore... I cried so much infront of her... But she said... For the past two weeks she had cried so much and that she had realized everything and she now gained strength to let go of me...

 

She said we have to take a rest... and that we need some space... that maybe we are not really ment for each other...and that we can still be friends..And that her mind now is stronger than her heart...

 

I am devastated because I love her so much...And shes the one I want to marry.. I am willing to surrender my ego to give her everything she needs of me...

 

I am confused now.. Does she still love me? Does she only need some rest? Is there a chance we can still get back together?

 

Because..she is an intelligent woman.. her career status is even higher than mine... When she thinks shes right, she stand by it.. Shes mostly surrounded and befriended by people with higher status in life..

 

Don't you think she have realized I am not really what she wants and that she sees her future with a man of higher status than hers?

 

Should I quit from work as I don't have appetite for it anymore? If I quit would it make her think she really don't deserve someone like me...But I feel its unfair because she have contacts in my workplace...she'll know what I am doing every step even afterwork (well i am not sure if shed be asking them about me)...and I dont know anyone in her office and I dont know what is she doing every now and then...

 

What is she up to?do we still have a chance? how do I win her back? anyone please...

[Honey Pumpkin]

I'm sorry you're hurting so badly. But why did you treat her badly in the past? Were there things in your relationship that weren't going right for you? Maybe these are the areas that you need to think about, rather than just wanting to get back with her. Because it sounds like you've both been through a lot of pain.

[papalazarou]

Mate the only thing you can do is APOLOGISE one last time for what you did and then leave her alone.

 

Tell her she can contact you if you wish BUT you must try and move on with NC.

[andyg]

How was my comment disrespectful? I gave him advice that helped me in a very similar situation. When I used it, the girl thought I was a jerk for a little while but within a few days was begging me to come back regardless of her higher status and better job. I understand that you may not like my advice because you are a woman and I'm advising him to do something that women may not like... I'm not however advicing him to hurt her or do anything illegal, just to get the upperhand in the relationship with someone who is quite obviously playing games with him. Women in this situation love to see their ex suffer because it's let's them know that they are missed and makes them feel better about themselves than actually being in the relationship. My advice would have turned that around for him... It was in no way intended as an insult or as disrespect. It's just not advice that you would give belladonna so I guess that makes it wrong?

[devast]

guys, I didn't treated her bad the past 2 years.. Its just that I had brought to her attention (again just like last year) how she tries to think to be always right and that shes taking away my confidence to myself and to what I think, because in most cases I shut up myself to end up the argument anyway she have a point although my point isn't that bad...

 

I tried to apologize and cried out loud twice already... but she had gone strong on her mind now...is she just confused? or is it for real?

 

andyg, what did you say you did to make your ex want to come back..I just want to hear about it...Im new here and I dont know how belladonna moderates explicit words...thanks

[papalazarou]

Devast

 

You MUST treat this as for real and that its over mate.

 

Its hard to say whether she is confused or not, but what I would say is that whatever you do will be wrong. So do NOTHING. That is why its important to do NC. Heal yourself first buddy.

[isidore]

"...she had waited for me to just come to her the first week and she said she should have hugged me, no questions asked, if I had come the day she called me she misses my voice..."

 

If I understand what you wrote correctly, this seems like a purely torturous thing to inform you of after the fact. It's only been 3 weeks so of course you're in the "I can get her back stage." But the reality is probably far different. If she wants you back she can come to you. After all, she knows that you love her and want her back.

 

"...She said we have to take a rest... and that we need some space... that maybe we are not really ment for each other...and that we can still be friends..And that her mind now is stronger than her heart..."

 

Translation: "I don't want to be with you; please forgive my wishy-washy language. I just don't want to feel guilty, that's all."

 

Give yourself some time. As the emotions well up in the days and weeks to come (and man, it's going to be tough) just ride them out. This is your only option. You want her back so you don't want to hear this, but there's a very good chance that you won't be getting back together. Your job now is coming to terms with that and expecting nil.

[devast]

I am so badly lost and confused.. she had loved me so much for the past two years and in just two weeks she was able to tell herself no more?... that is just too fast... the first week she was still waiting... after the 2nd week all her feelings for me was gone?

[splashdown]

I am so badly lost and confused.. she had loved me so much for the past two years and in just two weeks she was able to tell herself no more?... that is just too fast... the first week she was still waiting... after the 2nd week all her feelings for me was gone?

 

I think that it's usually been going on for much longer than you think. You just didn't notice. Everytime I've broken up with someone it's been on my mind for weeks or months before. It's something I've wanted to do, just wanted to wait for the right time, or really wanted to think it out before I did it.

 

What I'm trying to say is that it's very unlikely that all her feelings left in 2 weeks.

[shadow34]

Hey Devast

 

Big hugs to you hun...

 

I dont think you should quit from work, or do anything at all for that matter with the thought that if you do that it will impress her or make her come back to you. My friend, IF you make ANY changes in your life, make sure that you make them for you and to benefit you..If this woman you love so much wants to be with a man purely for the "Status" then my dear Im afraid to say it, she would be doing you a huge favour by never come back...thats just self centred!!!

 

As for what she is thinking I cant honeslty answer that one, who knows what on earth any one is thinking, sometimes I think about stupid things but no one would guess. Saying that you didnt call her in the first week and she thought you would just shows you that she takes you for granted...so what!! she should be thankful you talked to her when you did, if ever after she broke your heart.

 

She wouldnt have just forgotten about you and stopped loving you after two years hun. And this could very well indeed be very difficult for her and she may be having doubts and want you back. But I cant lie and say thats whats happening because I honestly dont know. But if she does, then you need to do NC and let her come to you, let her feel it and know that your not just going to come running back when she says and stick to it!!!

 

As for promising not to do anything to upset her or giving her everything or whatever...I really have a problem with this. You shouldnt have to comform to someone elses expectations and especially someone your in love with and whomloves you. Just be yourself and be proud of who you are and as much as it hurts hun, if she doesnt come back, you will heal with time, this I CAN promise you.

 

So in a nut shell my advice is to apply NC. Dont be friends with her, why should you be tortured and wait around for her to say Oh yes I want you now or No I need more space and heck it could go on for years and years and then if she says NO omg you will be an awful emotional mess then.

 

We are here to help you and to support you to no end. Dont contact her, dont answer her calls, show her how much you love her by giving her the space she needs and my friend if she truly loves you , she will contact you.

 

***hugs***

[Wandering_Sword]

I concur with splashdown, the signs were there and what happened did take time. Time now to focus on yourself and be strong, you'll make all the same mistakes that we all made in the beginning (most likely) but you'll recover and from there it is entirely up to you how long the healing process takes. We may not understand the relationship you had with your ex but we all do understand the love.

[shadow34]

Hey wandering

 

Your so right, we do all understand about love...or should we say we dont understand...not sure which one fits me LOL....

 

I think after time has passed, we sit back and look at the situation and realise that there were signs there, we just choose to ignore them.Not because we didnt care for the others feelings, but because we are so blindsighted by love, that we cling on to that wonderful thing called " Hope "...

 

Love is so tragic isnt it .....

[devast]

silence is what exactly im doing.. and clinging on to the comfort that this website brings.... thanks already for the people who designed this thing whatever happens to me whether she comes back or not...

 

And as I have wrote shadow, my workplace is unfair for me (i think)... she have contacts here... just like a few minutes ago her brother visited me here cause he is working here as well... I knew she would ask her brother to come and see me once in a while to know how am i doing...unlike me I have no idea what is she doing everyday or...even night.....

 

Anyway, according to her bro she asked him to see me.. her bro even talked about us to her... according to him she did a long pause when he asked her if she still loves me.. however she said... "i don't know"...

 

I just told her bro i am just giving her the space and time she needs.. but in all honesty i told her bro... I am in deep S***t, lost and confused if she'd ever want us back..coz thats only what I want now...to bring us back together..

 

But I told him, however, if she still wants me back she will know it by herself... Coz i know this woman... shes the kind who will only listen to herself what she think is good unless one has a credible experience over any matter at hand..

 

And what I fear the most is her "mind".. If she said what she said.. she will stand by it no matter what.... I just hope that "love" is powerful in her that could still overpower her mind in the end...

[devast]

Thanks wandering sword, splashdown, papalazarou and isidore... I am getting better now... Reading posts after posts... and posting what I feel is really a huge help to me...

 

Yes... I am going to heal myself... its 2 full days silence to me now...

 

Ive come to think about how could she ever stood up to her mind rather than trying to change a bit of herself for the betterment of our relationship?

 

But anyway I gues that's who she likes to be forever... Just so sad for me to think that maybe she will realize later on that my points were right and she tries to change herself... But it will be for somebody else not me...

 

But you guys have been a lot of help to me.. to try and think things thru....

 

Im reading you posts back again and again shadow... its mostly sensible... and neutral (for me) like there is hope if there really is afterall...but one thing is sure... I will heal in time...

[shadow34]

Hey Hun

 

Im so proud of you, those first couple of days can be the hardest.

 

Try not to question her feelings or motives. You will only ending up driving yourself crazy with all the why's, what if's etc...

 

You will heal hun, time is the healer and you have plenty of that as we all do.

 

This is one journey we are all taking with you, so head up high, be strong and remember what a fantastic, wonderful person you really are.

 

You dont " need " anyone...you "choose" to have them in your life because you want them

 

Hugs

[devast]

Hello guys... Its my 3rd day doing NC today...

 

SHe called me earlier but furtunately for me I was busy that I wasn't able to answer my phone...She had sent me a message after... But it was nothing just about his bro's debts to her... That she asked me to get it if he does pay thru me and that she'll just get it when she happens to visit the city im working or that I just give it to one of her friends..And ended with a "take care"...

 

Its crazy...I didn't answered her text message anyway...

 

What do I do? Yeah its a good point not to think about what is she thinking or feeling coz it will just drive me crazy... But I can't help it...

 

What's not good about thinking thru about our break-up is that I am beginning to hate her. I am starting to think that she had been thinking of finding someone else even before our break-up... I am Starting to think about some instances which "maybe" were the signs that she was looking on someone else and maybe thinking of breaking-up when she gets the courage...especially if this someone gives her a hint or starts to make a move towards her...coz she had been going out with friends before our break-up...

 

I am going nuts thinking about this... I am beginning to hate her which is what I think is making me strong right now... "hate" is giving me the courage to stand up and move on... I am thinking if I am right with what I am thinking, then she doesn't deserve me...nor my love...nor my tears...

 

But that is unfair... What if I am wrong? what if I am just getting paranoid? what if she's not doing anything stupid? what if she's just actually trying to get a rest and still planning to come back?

 

I fear to grow hatred on her because if she is still planning to come back to me.. I may not want her back anymore... I may close my heart for her anymore, thinking about this things that I can't even prove...

[shadow34]

First of all, Im going to take those "what If's" and poke them up a hedge hogs backside...there you go they are gone...

 

Ahhh that feels better now, my head isnt exploding, but I bet YOURS WAS!!!!

 

Hunny bunny you cant think of the what ifs, I know it is so so so so hard but seriously it doesnt matter. What if I get hit by a bus and never answer you again...( of course you'd be devastated...right hehehe )..what if the sky really was falling on henny penny, then we wouldnt be laughing then...

 

Do you understand the gist hun, I swear you couldnt begin to count the what ifs you can come up with. Ive been through them all and now I can laugh at some of them, some of the what if's I thought of geesh hehe.

 

On a serious note, I certainly am in no way am intending to down play your pain. I know this is torture, but sometimes smiling can help ease it a little.

 

Id say screw the money deal and let her find her own way. You dont need to get caught in the middle, THAT my friend is not fair. How she handles it is not your problem. If she isnt mature enough to send him the money or give it to him regardless of the circumstances then it does NOT fall on your shoulders. Your not her saviour hun and you certainly arent her puppet.

All you have to do is send a polite, Im sorry but I dont wish to get involved, good luck. Short sharp and shiny...

 

I know your sitting there and *BONK* before you say what if and I can see it working its way out of that gob of yours, dont sit there thinking but what if it ruins things, what if she hates me for it. You know what I say to that?? Tuff Titties, too bad so sad, if she is going to turn it onto you and use it to manipulate you then my friend she has a lot to learn before you would even want her back.

 

Simple dont think about anything she is doing, the cold hard fact is its not your business anymore and I say that as kindly as possible. As for the hatred, its all part of the grieving process my friend and its perfectly healthy to go through that faze, just keep going and keep venting to us

 

I write in a journal every day about how I felt that day about everything that happens in my life. My ex my feelings my children whatever else happens, Oh and yummy cadbury easter egg chocolate thats already out over here

It really helps to release that on pen and paper, not just on here and its also very private, you dont have to share it with anyone.

I also have an I hate you journal I call it. Thats where I write in about all the people Im angry and upset with. Boy oh boy if I died tomorrow EEEKKKK my mother would get a shock with the language in that thing *grin*

 

Something else would be to write her a letter, pour your heart out and do not hold back but most importantly NEVER EVER SEND IT. When ur finished you will feel better, put it away for a few weeks then pull it out and youll be like OMG what was i thinking thank god I didnt send this.

 

Your doing fantastic hun, just keep being strong. Dont worry about the hatred it will pass with time. You have to focus on you now as much as you dont want too. You have to try and put her out of your mind.

 

If I am around and u have msn or anything Im happy to chat to you to keep you from thinking the what ifs. I have plenty of corny aussie jokes I can tell ya

 

We are all one big family here and we are all helping each other in this together, United we stand and United we will catch you if you fall...

 

 

Keep it up, so so proud, its fantastic ...hugs

 

Georgi

[devast]

she just had three missed calls a few minutes ago coz I didn't answer.... She's angry maybe because of yesterday that I didn't even replied to her text message...

 

She sent me a message after this recent missed calls... She seems upset coz she said she don't want this situation to happen between us... "No contact" so to speak... she wants to talk to me like friends just like the friendship that i have with my exes...

 

I haven't replied yet.. or do I have to reply at all? If I have to reply... What do I say? But I am afraid she would give me back the ball... I am confused I don't want to play with her... I want her back... But she is a proud woman... she doesn't want to be hurt by anyone... I am afraid this is her way to give me the pain that she is having now because I am not talking to her...

 

But maybe not... But she said she just want to maintain friendship... or just her way to avoid admitting that she misses me... Maybe if I open up... Maybe we will have the chance to make-up...

[shadow34]

Hi Hun

 

No, I wouldnt reply at all. She cant dump you, leave you hanging and then just expect you to have a friendship with her at her beck and call regardless of how the situation might affect you. Thats just plain selfish and disrespectful.

 

Dont allow her to manipulate you by saying you are friends with your ex's etc. I am friends with a couple of ex's, the other you couldnt pay me enough money to even look at them...it all depends. The fact that this is breaking your heart doesnt help to hear the person you long to be with tell you, Oh lets be friends.

 

Basically it comes down to this :

 

" Generally when you dont know what you want, you dont want what you've got"

 

If you really must, send a text message saying...

 

Im sorry, I am not able to maintain a friendship with you at the moment but I look forward to the possibility in the future. Please only contact me if you wish to work out our relationship.

 

I know your gonna say what if she never calls...Well If it were the other way round, loving her as much as you do, would you never call???? I dont think so, if someone wants to be with you its just plain and simple. Sure other factors may come into it, thats exactly where the NC comes into effect that it gives that person the time they need to realise either way.

 

No one wants to be hurt by anyone and shes doing a good job of hurting you without seeming to have any worries excepts for her needs.

 

Its tuff love I know, but its really the only way your going to find out if she is true to you. And you sound like my friend you give her all the love and support she could possibly need, would you want to settle for someone who cant give you what you need???...

 

I hope this helps, your doing really well, Im really proud of you not answering its so so hard I realise that.

 

Turn the phone off, check nothing, sit back watch a movie, go for a walk , eat some chocolate hehe or something, Just put it out of your mind, if only for an 1/2 hour at a time and build it up day by day

 

Hugs hun

 

Georgi

[devast]

Thanks shadow... I have actually wrote a very long email.. But i didn't send it... I keep reading it again and again and it seems to me that I wrote what I am feeling right now... her immaturity... and how she wouldn't want to work-out something on her as I do want to do everything I possibly could just to get us back together forever...Nevertheless I still haven't sent her any message..

 

I know she's immature when it comes to relationship..I am just her 2nd boyfriend...Her first was five years but I think it was boring coz her bf didn't gave her much attention nor did he argued with her...He just keeps accepting all her wishes..and that's where I came in...so she eventually forget everything about her feelings for him...So she doesn't know that you can only be friends with your ex when both of you are healed in time when there's nobody else involved... that you have already forgotten the feelings you used to have...

 

Don't you think I have to send her a message about this so she would understand that i am not capable of being her friend coz I still love her right now? Because...I just realized this is what she's always stressing out... During the time that I begged her to come back and now that she's upset I am not talking to her...

 

She's thinking I still had some special connection with my exes...Should i clear this out to her? saying I only made friends with them when they or me got over with our feelings for each other? That what we had now are just plain friendship? and that if she is interested only in making friends with me..now is not the right time coz I am still so much in love with her? and maybe ask her to give me a chance to get over her?

 

Should I tell her about her being immature? or this will just pour a fuel to the fire? I know maturity do not grow overnight...

[devast]

Hi anyone...Can I ask you? I had been doing NC and the 4th day was yesterday...But..

 

I sent her an email last night saying "me and my exes became friends only after they have healed themselves and forgotten the feelings that they used to have for me... Same way for me... I moved on first before I became their friends again"....

 

Because she kept stressing this out to me "this exes that I have in my email address list"... She stressed this out when I begged her back twice... And she stressed this out again yesterday in her text message since (I think) she had gone upset about me not talking to her (NC)..."she said she just want to be my friend just like all my exes are"..

 

You see I think she doesn't really understand this because I am just her 2nd bf.. For Her 1st bf..she became very close to me first as I was already courting her before she broke it up with him... Which means she didn't have to do the effort of getting on with herself alone first before she made friends with her ex...Because I was already inside her heart...

 

And so last night I felt that she needs some closure... I broke the NC if I must say...

 

I explained to her as brief as I could that I didn't became my exes friends right after the break-up...

 

I also told her that I hid this things because its in the way she react on this kind of matters and however I told her that so did she...She didn't tell me everything...

 

And then I ended it with...

 

"Now that you understand how I became friends with my exes...and if you don't want to work-out a bit of yourself as I do want to turn my world upside-down just to get us back together...I am not capable of becoming your bestfriend right now because unlike you...I am not happy without you and I am still deeply inlove with you...Thank you.."

 

Did I blew up my chances? (if there were afterall..sigh sigh sigh) Did I say the right words? Did I look needy and not confident?

[Wandering_Sword]

Since its already been done, and you said what you wanted to say, all the opinions in the world won't amount to what will transpire between you and the ex. I hope it goes the way you want. Good luck bro.

[shadow34]

Hey Dev

 

So your saying that your ex cheated on her ex boyfriend with you???? Thats the impression I get, correct me if I am wrong???

 

You did fine hun, I dont think you blew any chances at all.

 

The fact remains though, she is questioning you about your ex's and your email addresses etc. This seems a little ironic. She doesnt want to be with you but heck she is being overly obsessive in my eyes about this "friendship thing".

 

I cant speak for her, but Im glad you said what you felt you had to say. Now dont contact her and the rest is up to her. Take this time to work on yourself, to heal and become that whole person inside.

 

No one else is responsible for your happiness my friend, you must find this within yourself and I have no doubt you will.

 

If she cant respect your descision that you just cant be friends yet then thats not your problem. You dont need to explain anything more to her now. There are no what ifs here. You are simply making it known that your not going to be on the side line, with her picking you up whenever she needs you and dumping you off when shes done. Because thats what she is doing.

 

Keep strong, and now move on and find that happiness. You have to try and cultivate that strength and get active and put those emotions into other areas of your life.

 

Hun if she really does love you, she is going to be back....but the last thing you want to do is have her come back when she isnt ready...

 

Time...will tell and it will, it is the most accurate of information and the best healer.

 

Hugs

[devast]

Yeah wandering sword... Its been said and done... I will post here most of my time as pouring my heart out in here and all of you who had been responding had been helpful to me... Yeah I don't regret anything I said to her last night... What happens next... I'll be fine with it...

 

Shadow... I took your advice... I let her know I can't be her friend right now..I made it clear to her coz she may not understand it...

 

And yes...yes yes yes... I believed you Shadow...(you can be a therapist..or...are you?)... If she was I..And I am still inlove with her... Would I ignore her if she can't be a friend to me because she's still inlove with me and she's still hurting for loosing me? NO WAY... I still love her... I will go to her and work-out our relationship...

 

But if she was I... and I don't love her anymore... You are right Shadow... I will not go to her anymore...

[shadow34]

LOL...your funny hun

 

Glad to see your on a more positive note today, its nice to see.

 

I know how your feeling and I really do understand. This will give you time to heal hun, to re-evaluate your relationship and your feelings. It will also give her the time to do the same.

 

You didnt say anything out of place, good on you.

 

As for being a therapist , I am a psychologist but I dont advocate that on here at all. This is all based on my years of experience and the heart ache Ive endured.

 

Hugs hun, keep posting and we will keep supporting and listening to you .