How long for NC??

[jordan1234]

So i was sort of asking this question on another post, but i think i mad eit a little too long, as it is just a basic question. My GF and i have been broken up for 4 weeks (her doing). We have broken up before and she has always come back. We have been together 2 years. Anyway, i finally did what everyone has said to do which is the day after we broke up i have stopped everything. And i have heard nothing for 4 weeks. These weeks have made me realize how much i still love her and want to reconcile. I have heard there is no one else in her life.

 

My question is can there be reconciliation after nothing for 4 weeks or 8 or even 3-4 months of NC? Is it possible. i am sort of used to not being with her now. My friend who is a pasyhcologist claims that it takes 6-8 weeks to truly feel the loss of someone. thats when all the shock/emotion/guilt etc... wears off and you just either mss the person for who they are or feel you made the right choice and move on. We were very close and i wonder if i shoudl contact her soon to test the water, thoughts??????

[Honey Pumpkin]

Hmmm. I suppose I wonder why you broke up, because this is your pattern, isn't it? Which makes it hard if she is doing it for real this time.

 

Personally, I would meet up with her and have an honest talk, does she want to reconcile like usual, or does this feel different. And THEN give NC a bash, to let yourself heal and to see how you both feel about each other.

 

Good luck.

[splashdown]

My question is can there be reconciliation after nothing for 4 weeks or 8 or even 3-4 months of NC? Is it possible. i am sort of used to not being with her now. My friend who is a pasyhcologist claims that it takes 6-8 weeks to truly feel the loss of someone. thats when all the shock/emotion/guilt etc... wears off and you just either mss the person for who they are or feel you made the right choice and move on. We were very close and i wonder if i shoudl contact her soon to test the water, thoughts??????

 

I think of NC as forever. That doesn't mean that you'll never reconcile. If it's right for you and her, you will. It's possible. But NC is for you to figure out what YOU want and get some distance and (hopefully) some objectivity on the relationship. It shouldn't just be a gambit to get her back, IMO.

 

If she knows how you feel about her, and she decides that she feels the same way, she'll come back. If not, she won't. There's nothing you can do about that. The point is to feel good about you and where you are in life.

[jordan1234]

Splash and honey thank you,

 

Splash i think what resonated most from what you said is gaining some objectivity by not being together. I think thats what we are trying to do right now. She is very unsure about things, but i think its more internal than how she feels about me. That being said she does know how i feel (that i love her and would like to be with her), so i guess theres not much i can do.....i guess i wonder if it can be worked out (if she does have feelings) if we haven't spoken or seen each other for months? i am new to this....does this happen? can this happen? or do feelings just always go away (although i know mine haven't so maybe i am answering my own question)

[splashdown]

Splash and honey thank you,

 

Splash i think what resonated most from what you said is gaining some objectivity by not being together. I think thats what we are trying to do right now. She is very unsure about things, but i think its more internal than how she feels about me. That being said she does know how i feel (that i love her and would like to be with her), so i guess theres not much i can do.....i guess i wonder if it can be worked out (if she does have feelings) if we haven't spoken or seen each other for months? i am new to this....does this happen? can this happen? or do feelings just always go away (although i know mine haven't so maybe i am answering my own question)

 

Well, you say you've been together for two years, so unless she's spectacularly shallow, she's thinking of you...and probably missing you. It's hard to say for sure not knowing the young lady in question, but most people don't just get over a two-year relationship in a weekend. Even the person who ended it has feelings of loss and heartbreak.

 

And believe me, it doesn't matter how long the period of NC is. My (currently ex-) GF and I were broken up for two years and got back together a year-and-a-half ago. It didn't work out this time, either (and I think it's probably the final final end, this time...at least from my perspective) but if there's love between you, that doesn't just go away. It's just a matter of timing and getting yourself happy for yourself. Don't make the break-up about her and getting her back. Try to see it as an opportunity to get yourself back.

 

If it's right in the future, it'll happen, brother!

[hockeyboy]

I typically do NC until I no longer want to contact them. Which basically means that NC goes forever in my case. However, I have found that is when the other person usually contacts me (but not always).

[jordan1234]

yeah i hear everything you are saying. I have tended (over my 29 years), to jump from relationshipo to relationship. this girl i felt differently about but i did do a lot of the common taking for granted type behavior. She knows i love her though and she knows i wanted to work on things. I am going to take this time to chill and be alone. I'm actually kind of enjoying it. I have beeen approached by a few women but i just think i need to be alone and see what thats like. Maybe i will still want my ex, maybe not.

 

So splash, with you did not speak to her for 2 years or were you guys in semi-regualr contact? I ask this because so far i have not heard anything for 4 weeks. I know at some poitn we wil see each other, and if its anything like our break up last year, when we do all of our feelings will rush out. thats how we got back last time. I think she is trying not to see or talk to me for this reason..... so did oyu guys talk?

[splashdown]

We have a son together, so there has to be some contact. But we really kept it just business over those two years. We both dated others, and even had semi-serious relationships in that time. And I found that with time, the feelings that I had thought were so earth-shatteringly important became less so as I became concerned with other things.

 

But, there was still love and caring between us. And that never faded. Maybe it was partly kept alive because we have to see each other from time to time. But I don't really think so. I think it was just there. We were very close for a long time, and that doesn't just end. At least it doesn't for me, and I don't think it did for her either.

 

It's encouraging to hear that you're enjoying this time alone though. Keep it up! You may find (as I am now) that what you thought you wanted wasn't really what you wanted.

[jordan1234]

so how did that feeling of closeness become you guys getting back together?

[splashdown]

so how did that feeling of closeness become you guys getting back together?

 

It was fairly simple really. We just found ourselves hanging out more before we got back together. Like I said, we had had other (short-term) relationships and had sort of gotten over the break-up heartbreak. It had been two years after all.

 

So, it was just a case of getting over it, and being able to still communicate and spend time together. And, as they say, one thing led to another. Of course, given what's happened since, it's a bit of a case of 'be careful what you wish for', I'm afraid.

[jordan1234]

yeah im sure....i am not going to wait around for her, but i do hope we get back. i ahve had enough relationships to know when one is special to me. If she doesnt come around then i will move on, but i thnk it just takes time. As you said i think that the heartbreak has to wear off for both of us and then we can see each other as we used to.....thats the key to all of these situations and why NC is so important...

[splashdown]

Exactly! I think you have to let go of the baggage from Relationship Phase One, to ever have a real go at Phase Two. Once you get over the sadness and loss and whatever else was wrong to begin with, if you still want to you can get on with rebuilding.

 

It's just a process I think. But I really think that couples that break up and get right back together a few months later are pretty much always doomed. There's bound to be resentments and whatnot that have to be worked through alone and the together before you can truly start again.

[jordan1234]

know i agree completely. i am very sad not to have my ex. very sad. I miss her everyday and think about her often. BUT, i am kind of happy to have this time to be single and do my own thing. Not to date neccessarily but jusat to be for awhile. I thinkt hats the best mindset going forard as well. I haven't seen her in a month or talekd or text'd. things seem very weird for sure. in amonth it would be akward i think. but in 4-6 months i dont think so. and if were both single and willing, whats the harm......we can learn from mistakes for sure....