From lovers to friends: without NC

[anna_k]

I pose questions.

 

Is it possible to make that transition from dating/lovers in a romantic relationship to being friends without adherence to NC?

 

I don't mean "friends" in the wink wink, nudge nudge sense. I mean, strict friends with no romantic inclinations.

 

I'm sure this is a very subjective question.

 

Also, do you think finding someone new does more for healing than other methods? I'm sure reflection and concentrating on yourself to heal from the inside is more healthy (although, sitting at home alone may not really seem so) but typically, it's harder.

 

I've read many accounts of people who end up friends with their ex-partners. I've also read about those who don't understand why people must remain friends with their exes. Of-course, I don't mean saying hello to your ex when you see them in a shop or bar but exes who actually become a part of your social circle.

 

Which group are you in?

[melrich]

dating/lovers in a romantic relationship to being friends without adherence to NC

 

I'm sure it's possible but it would be rare. I don't know that NC is required but I think there should to be a period of low intensity between the end of the relationship and going to full on friendship. I am friends with each of my exes with whom I had long relationships but in each case there was alawys a period of time where we saw each other very little.

 

do you think finding someone new does more for healing than other methods?

 

I've seen it make things easier, I've seen it make things harder. Really depends on the circumstances and reasons behind the break up and the new relationship.

[Dako]

I did it, but it was based on a long history of friendship that so far has withstood some heavy blows. I understand some people's reluctance to keep ties with an ex, and it may be easier to simply move on if nothing is salvagable. A breather in between may help.

 

If ego and anger can be set aside, it can be worthwhile.

[finewhine]

I'm great friends with a guy I dated for two months. Although we slept together and junk, it was never quite that serious and we bounced back into friendship after about a month of avoiding each other. We had a little heart-to-heart and we've been great ever since.

 

There's no way I could be friends with two of four ex-serious boyfriends, and the other two I just don't keep in touch with but we're friendly.

[anna_k]

Do you reveal all then become friends? Or do you just play it cool and pretend you are actually "friends" until it happens?

 

Sometimes you can't avoid people. Especially when your lives are interconnected. You have to get over someone whilst still being surrounded by them.

[kate111]

Remove yoourself as much as you can Anna.

 

The ex dumped you. You need to establish a life on your own.

 

If you let the ex be your friend right away in my opinion you are letting them have their cake and eat it too.

 

If they don't miss you then unfortunately you should let them go I think. At least I have decided that if he doesn't call me and fight for a friendship in time, then he didn't care for me enough.

[pinkelephant]

my ex insisted that we'd be close friends after we broke up. he still does. we fight everytime we talk to each other. it's funny because it's a total turn around. i'm the one that does the walking when we fight and he's the one who has to give in to keep the peace.

 

we didn't have much NC. I tried. He tried. We've known each other since we were in elementary school. We never went a day without talking to each other for the past 5 years. I don't think NC will be happening at all, it will add more stress to a complicated enough situation.

 

I think although NC is really good, I had to go through days where I avoid him because talking to him sets me back or I just have no desire to talk to him and feel like it's a burden to be in contact with him. I also think that NC for a long time (weeks or more) is a bad idea for most situations. LC, I believe is the best until you both recover and can be friends.

[anna_k]

I'm not very sure of what I'm doing.

 

We do still talk because as pinkelephant also said, we both tried NC and it always ends swiftly. It's hard to go from talking everyday to not talking at all.

 

I've noticed a funny pattern. The way we talk now is much more blunt and curt. Playful to the point of being mean. I'm not sure where it has come from. Perhaps its our subconscious way of trying to keep distance.

 

What makes a person decide to become friends with an ex? And what to make of a new bf who is friends and hangs out with ALL of his exes?

[kate111]

To be honest I think that I am friends with exes whom I had things in common and that respected me or else I was capable of forgiving them.

 

I think being in contact with a recent ex is giving them the comfort of knowing you are still around. That they can go back at any time. Also I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't contact you after they found a new lover. Then the hurt will come again. Better to consider them a loser, even if temporarily, and move on. Easier said than done...

 

In terms of your new boyfriend. Could be a good or a bad sign. Depends if he is stringing them along or if things are over. I'd be a little suspicious if you don't know him well.

[anna_k]

He has well and truly moved on to someone else but the contact is still coming.

 

I just don't get why he's being angry when he doesn't even have to deal with me and I don't bother him anymore.

 

My friend's aunt is best friends with her ex-husband. It's actually so cute. They do everything together and have the best time.

 

I have to admit I find it a little weird when someone is friends with every single one of their exes. Either they are just really friendly people or there's something I'm missing. It's just a little off-putting to hang out with someone's ex I guess.

[pinkelephant]

I'm not very sure of what I'm doing.

 

We do still talk because as pinkelephant also said, we both tried NC and it always ends swiftly. It's hard to go from talking everyday to not talking at all.

 

I've noticed a funny pattern. The way we talk now is much more blunt and curt. Playful to the point of being mean. I'm not sure where it has come from. Perhaps its our subconscious way of trying to keep distance.

 

What makes a person decide to become friends with an ex? And what to make of a new bf who is friends and hangs out with ALL of his exes?

 

If he is friends with ALL of his exes, I would think he has an inability to let go. There are many reasons to become friends with an ex. Sometimes, it is because they're better off as friends.

 

 

 

"Also, do you think finding someone new does more for healing than other methods?"

 

No, I personally do not. I have two (decent, for once!!) guys who are pursuing me at the moment, but I'm put off by relationships in general. I feel rather drained from the break up and need time to bounce back, so to speak.

[bitbybit]

Is it possible to make that transition from dating/lovers in a romantic relationship to being friends without adherence to NC?

 

I don't mean "friends" in the wink wink, nudge nudge sense. I mean, strict friends with no romantic inclinations.

 

 

Hi Anna,

 

I tried a short NC with my ex back in November -- 2 weeks, I think, and then we got back together as a couple -- for a week. That breakup was not nice.

 

That was followed by another 2 week NC, followed by an attempt to be "friends" -- this was talked about, agreed upon etc etc. Over a 6-week period, the friendship was working - we got along way better than when we were lovers, we were still "there" for each other -- this all by phone. Then we actually met up for lunch, and the friendship seemed to change - it seemed like we were still involved with each other, even though we both knew we don't work as a couple . . . . so it felt like a breakup all over again.

 

I guess my answer to you is that, no, you cannot be friends with your ex-lover after no NC, or a short NC -- because something will get in the way, and you may experience heartbreak again. It's probably better to give yourself a good long NC -- 2 months? -- to cool your feelings for him (advice I am now trying hard to follow).