We are back together but... I am messing it up! HELP!

[LostLoveinLosAngeles]

So me and my ex are back together yeah!!! Well we have been seening each other 3 times a week everything is good when we see each other. But when she leaves at night I just get this odd feeling in my heart like "WHEN AM I GOING TO SEE HER NEXT?" or I think "WHY HASNT SHE CALLED ME?". My biggest problem is that I end up conveying this to her and making her feel pressured. She said I should just go with the flow and not "TRY" to rush things as I am making her feel pressured by acting like this. I know when I do this I being insecure. I know things take time but I dont want to let her go away again, yet I seem to see that I might be pushing her away! What do I do? Seems like the answer is easy. But its hard not to want her around all the time.

[Zaphod]

Up to you - if you make her feel so pressured because of your lack of self control that you lose her then you have learnt something.

 

You need to learn how to play things - it's not a game but you need to learn to pull away a bit from her, give her something to push against, give her some space. You could be pleasantly surprised with the results.

 

Why not back off and give her the steering wheel for a while?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

operating from a position of insecurity and fear is never good in a relationship... makes you anxious all the time and has really given her the 'upper hand' in the relationship, or at least it feels that way in your mind, like you are totally dependent on her presense all the time to feel like the relationship is secure and you are happy.

 

you need to remind yourself that she can break up with you anytime, anyone can break up with anyone and you can't hold her to you every minute, but focusing on that possibility all the time is sure to wreck the relationship. that is more like a kid who panics whenever its mother leaves the room, and you need to be an equal in the relationship, not giving her all the power for your happiness and sense of survival.

 

so you need to consciously start developing your own life outside of her, and whenever she is away from you, specifically STOP yourself from thinking about her, and start thinking about other things you need to do, other friends, responsbilities, etc.

 

and if you are way more into her than she is into you, and she doesn't start to want to see you more, then it is better that you have a life outside of her and focusing on her anyway, in case it doesn't work out. you need to be a whole person outside of her, and the best way to do that is focus on you and your own needs (other than her) when she is not around.

[LostLoveinLosAngeles]

Thanks for the replies. I will definitely applie those words to my life. After work today I am going to go home and just relax and shed this skin. My problem is that I was always the initater before in the relationship and now its different. Your right I should back off and give her the keys to our new car. I have a life outside of the relationship. I am just not enjoying it lol. I will try to be more proactive in my life though. Thx guys.

[kevind345]

Hey lostlove;

 

I agree you need to give them space, let her be, my friend has the same problem and his gf broke up with him for a lil cause he was going crazy and calling her too much and not giving her space to sorta be on her own but also be with him if you know wut i mean? But i am just curious how you got your gf back? Mine just broke up with me 3 weeks ago, and I feel like things are getting worse, I'm just curious about ur situation, maybe it will give me some hope?

[LostLoveinLosAngeles]

Hey Kevin! Honestly I got her back by just hanging in there and always believing. We had been broken up for around 7-61/2 months. When we first broke up I was a wreck. Sick to my stomach, I had to beg her and nothing happened so I just backed off. I realized that nothing I could say or do would bring her back. I cant say I did complete NC because we would talk once in a while. 3 months into the break up I felt lonely and basically used some girl to make me stronger. It felt good to have someone care about you. Eventually I gave that up because I still loved my EX. So I started to pursue her again. It still wasnt working. Finally one night in which I was going to totally give up and go out with my friends but they were late for some odd reason... She calls crying and saying she wants to try to work things out so I we do. Thing are going pretty well right now. We are communicating better. I just get insecure when we are apart. I am definitely going to use the advice here and detach a little bit and give her the keys to the relationship. I forget that I wanted her back so badly so why should I push her away?

[kevind345]

Yea deff, as long as you wanted her back without a doubt, you HAVE to take is slow and let things roll or you may screw it up. But im happy for you, i have been like halfway with the NC thing also, cause i ran into my ex today by complete coincidence on campus, and I ended up skipping my class lol and talking to her and she was real flirty and touchy feely and like showing me her butt(clothed) and * * * *....i seriously dont know what to think of it, but what i do know is that we had an awesome time and were smiling the whole time and she was looking at me in this distinct way, and we had that excitement of when you like someone and they like you and your just always smiling at each other and everything is going great, like no pauses in the convo and all that....thats why i dno what to think of it, but anyways thats nice to hear you got what you wanted.....i honestly also believe that we will b together, but i dont know if thats just me convincing my self cause i want it so bad? Also i have been really thinking I need a girl, i need to find someone that i like even if its just friends, cause right now i dont even talk to any other girls, so i think that would make her a little jealous maybe and have her think like wow he might find someone else, and it would also give me some excitement or w/e but id feel bad for the girl i dont wanna use her. But thanks for replying so fast.

[LostLoveinLosAngeles]

Hey man I would suggest not to use jealousy as a game. Just be honest about what your goals are. Honestly dont make things shes does seem bigger than what they really are. When you are broken up every little thing the other person does in blown out of this planet. But yeah you are on the right track. I suggest being genuine with her. Let people know exactly what you want and what your goals are.

[kevind345]

hmm alright no jealousy? well im still going to try and meet new girls so idno, but when u were apart from your ex did you talk to each other see each other? and why did she break up with you in the first place??

[istillluvu06]

](*,) I definatley know about the insecurity you can feel after you get back together. Me and my boyfriend were broken up throughout the whole summer and fall. We got back together in nov. I still love him as much as I always did. But we are having problems again, he isn't like he used to be. He is very angry still about the pain I caused him. I had a serious jealousy problem, and a few other things too. I have been trying very hard to improve, but it feels like the past will never go away. He says I keep doing things like before and that I haven't changed at all. I've been insecure and I miss him terribly when were apart. He says I smother and control him to the point that he feels bad to go anywhere without me, I consciously do not try to make him feel that way, cause I really do trust him now more than ever. I guess it's the little comments I make if he does something without me. I feel very confused about alot of things. Getting back together was the happiest thing that has happened to me in a very long time. But since it was my fault we broke up I always feel under him and that I have to do everything his way. And I have tried. Unfortunatley the past keeps getting brought up. I worked really really hard to try to improve alot of bad hurtful habits I had. But there isn't anyway to know that you can always apply what I have learned. I still from time to time say stuff I shouldnt. I have so much stacked against me, I feel like it's an uphill battle everyday. I'm bi-polar, and it's very hard when you are fighting with your head and heart everyday. I love him so much, I never stopped loving him, even through the breakup which was the worst hell I've ever been in. I don't want to lose him again over the same crap. I have been insecure and it's making him feel controlled. And I don't want that. I want him to love me cause he wants to ,or be with me cause he wants to.And you have to be careful cause you can do alot of things without even recognizing them. ](*,) It's like hitting your head on a brick wall til you get it!!