luxe_13 Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 There's a guy I really like. We have quite a bit of history together (a summer fling which turned into a LDR which turned into "it's too hard, let's just be friends"). Anyhoo, we have stayed in contact for 2 years now. We live in different states, but the biggest problem is he is seeing someone else now. We chat on messenger all the time and lately he has become really flirty. He brings up our holiday fling and there is a lot of s*xual inuendo.Plus he is coming to visit me in 2 weeks (the girlfriend is coming) How can I tell if he is just flirting because he can get away with it online with out "cheating" or if he is still interested in me? Obviously I can't do anything about it especially when I see both of them when they get here. I am not a boyfriend stealer. But how can I tell if he is still interested? I know he cares about me as a friend but this flirting is really confusing me. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 you shouldn't push for anything when he visits. maybe he values your friendship now and not so much wanting to pursue anything further with you. perhaps he wants you to meet his gf because he wants your opinion. ....................................................................................................................................................................................... Link to comment
robowar Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 I would bet he's still into you, though it puzzles me why he'd come visit you with his girlfriend... maybe since he has a girlfriend, he's put his sexual feelings for you on the back burner, but they're still there. Link to comment
shikashika Posted February 17, 2007 Share Posted February 17, 2007 some people are just flirty... thats how they are.. And you have a history together.. no matter how' just friends' you are.. if you've slept with someone you are still going to think about them in that way a bit Link to comment
luxe_13 Posted February 19, 2007 Author Share Posted February 19, 2007 thanks for the feedback i don't understand why he is bringing his girlfriend to see me either.. he pretty much told me that since his friend can't come with him now that his girlfriend would now want to come. maybe he didn't want to cause a fight with her when he told he was visiting me and also didn't want to lie? we are not close enough friends (this is the first time i will see him in person as "a friend") for him to need my opinion of his gf... i am pretty confused.. i guess i will just try to read his body language etc when he is here...or just see what happens with our communication after the visit. she is from europe and is returning there in a few months (he isn't going), so i am not even sure how serious they are.. ANYWAY i guess i will just update you all after "the visit". I am going to play it cool and try to be as friendly as possible to his gf..it's going to be hard!! Link to comment
ghost69 Posted February 20, 2007 Share Posted February 20, 2007 i have no idea why you are having this guy visit if you aren't great friends in the first place. ......................................................................................................................................................................................... Link to comment
luxe_13 Posted February 22, 2007 Author Share Posted February 22, 2007 ^^ It's not so much we're not close, it's just until recently I have only known him a sa love interest not so much a friend... I have known the guy for 2 years now and we are trying to be friends I guess rather than just cut each other off completely. Hope that answers that question... I do really wish we could be just good friends, but my stupid good-for nothing feelings keep getting in the way! Link to comment
ghost69 Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 i think you should end this false hope. find somebody that is 'yours' and dedicated to 'you'. it's almost like he is using you to have a vacation. this is just so weird. i have no idea why people put themselves in this situation. what are you hoping will happen? he will leave his gf on the spot, send her back home and stay with you? ......................................................................................................................................................................................... Link to comment
luxe_13 Posted February 22, 2007 Author Share Posted February 22, 2007 no i am not hoping that at all. i just want to work out what is going on. i care about him alot and i am actually happy to be friends with him..if that's all it is. i resent you saying he is using me. we have known each other for 2 years and the only reason we are not still together is because we are very independent and have been on separate journeys which has kept us in different places. i can accept that he has met someone else along the way and i dated someone else awhile a go too. but we have always told each other and kept in touch. i guess what makes it weird is that we haven't actually been established as friends yet. sure we've said it but the way we talk to each other always has an air of flirtation and i just feel asthough it still is somehing else. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 having a fling and being friends for 2 years are completely different. i'd say that you have know of him for 2 years. you say you want to fix things, but you accept that he has another. this seems puzzling to me. please explain further. ......................................................................................................................................................................................... Link to comment
luxe_13 Posted February 23, 2007 Author Share Posted February 23, 2007 the first 18mths was s a straeam of daily emails, weekly phone calls and meeting up whenever we could - we were both travelling so in separate countries all the time. i wouldn't say things were serious but it was like we were constantly waiting to be in the same place for a decent amount of time so we could test a relationship out and see fi things would work out as a couple. so it's only been the last 6odd months that we have kept in touch purely as friends... i care about him alot and can accept that he has a girlfriend. i am accepting that he is oming to visit me as a friend. BUT the flirting is throwing me off and making me realise that i do still have feelings for him. i just want to work if there is anything still there.. i know i can't do much as he is seeing someone but i was wondering - from my original question - if there is a way i can pick up the "still interested" vibe from him. and as you said, it is odd that h e is coming to see me whenhe is seeing someone - is this a sign? i know an obvious answer would be - if he really liked me he would dump his girl and come running to me. but it's not as simple as that. 1. i am he one who suggeste dwe just be friends as it was too hard 2. we never established our relationship properly - it was fun, and we liked each other but we were never officially boyfriend and girlfriend. hope that explains things a bit further? am i a complete fool? Link to comment
ghost69 Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 i think you might think deep down or hope even that he IS in fact flirting. he might not actually be doing it, but your mind tells you he is. he is bringing a gf to a fire. that should be like a sign to say back off, i'm with someone. or he could just be some kind of player and wants everyone to himself. it is hard to tell. honestly, i think this situation would be good for you to back out of and not have this guy visit. not with a gf at least. he should come visit with no attachments. ......................................................................................................................................................................................... Link to comment
luxe_13 Posted February 27, 2007 Author Share Posted February 27, 2007 yeah, you are right . i do HOPE he is flirting.... if he is saying back-off, then i don't understand why he would bother coming at all. unless he really wants to be proper friends and wants to make it clear that's all it is. but i don't think he needs to get on a plane to tell me that. there is no stopping him from coming, his flights are booked and he arrives on sunday... a friend of mine reckons that he is just trying to keep his foot in the door with me...what do you think of this? Link to comment
Karhu Posted February 27, 2007 Share Posted February 27, 2007 i know i can't do much as he is seeing someone but i was wondering - from my original question - if there is a way i can pick up the "still interested" vibe from him. and as you said, it is odd that h e is coming to see me whenhe is seeing someone - is this a sign? The "still interested" vibe will be blatantly obvious in his body language. a friend of mine reckons that he is just trying to keep his foot in the door with me...what do you think of this? quite possibly, especially if you’re the one who broke up with him, he might be thinking that if he keeps a foot in the door then you might change your mind later. The only trouble is you lose your balance when you put your foot in too many doors at the same time. we are not close enough friends (this is the first time i will see him in person as "a friend") for him to need my opinion of his gf... You had something, when you go through a relationship you normally get to know each other on a deeper level than any of his friends would know him. So even if you haven’t seen him for a long time then he probably still appreciates your opinion. I know if I got serious with someone I would still appreciate the opinion of my ex fiancée that I haven’t seen for 2 years now, as she knows exactly what I’m like and would be a valuable opinion on my new partner. There is also the factor of how this changes your relationship with him, maybe he wants to show you that he’s moved on (maybe make you jealous if he wants you back). I also found that with one of my high school ex’s I tried to be friends with her after breaking up with her, but I couldn’t be around her as she refused to stop flirting, and refused to be just friends, so I had to cut contact. I said the only option was friends or nothing, and she wouldn’t accept friends. But now it’s changed as she is now married, and I had a girlfriend, so we could finally be just friends again without me having to worry about her inappropriately coming on to me. It takes quite a long time to be just friends, and a lot of people pretend to be “just” friends but there are still some emotions that complicate things. It sounds like you are not completely over him, and he doesn’t seem completely over you, and you probably still love each other but aren’t right for a life together because you broke up. so it sounds like it is possibly a bit too early to be truly “just friends” and getting involved now could emotionally complicate you and also him and his girlfriend. If I was you I wouldn’t do anything when he visits, it would be too fast, just feel out the situation, and see how to tackle things after the visit. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted February 27, 2007 Share Posted February 27, 2007 you never dated right? just hooked up and hung out right? i think this guy is over you as being a 'love/fling' and is proving it. i think you are reading into this too much. serious question, answer honestly: did you tell him to visit sometime or did he call you asking if he could come out there with his gf? ......................................................................................................................................................................................... Link to comment
luxe_13 Posted February 27, 2007 Author Share Posted February 27, 2007 you never dated right? just hooked up and hung out right? we never dated 'cause we were i different countries for most of the time (both independently travelling). but we did make an effort for a year and aa half to stay in touch, email daily, speak on the phone and meet up where we could. we always said we'd give it a proper go when we were both in one place for a decent amount of time... but it just didn't happen soon enough for me. so to answer your question - no it wasn't just hooking up and "hanging out" .. there was a lot more to it than that. i think this guy is over you as being a 'love/fling' and is proving it. i think you are reading into this too much. serious question, answer honestly: did you tell him to visit sometime or did he call you asking if he could come out there with his gf? he told me that he wanted to come see me in sydney (my home town) when he was back in australia. he was meant ot come with his friend (who i am also friends with), but at the last minute, the friend couldn't come so he said "i think now that x isn't coming, she will want to come now. will you still want to see me?" Link to comment
ghost69 Posted February 28, 2007 Share Posted February 28, 2007 then you said yes? you allowed this situation to happen and now you are like wth. Link to comment
luxe_13 Posted March 1, 2007 Author Share Posted March 1, 2007 yeah, of course i said yes. i do want to catch up with him. it's not like i don't want to have anything to do with him just 'cause he has a gf. i just want to know about the flirting - does this mean he see's us as possibly more than friends? Link to comment
ghost69 Posted March 1, 2007 Share Posted March 1, 2007 i doubt it. he might think your hookup was just a fling and only that. i think you may be leading him on to be friends and this is why he wants to visit....WITH HIS GF. i don't think he would bring a gf if he wanted to be more than friends with you. Link to comment
luxe_13 Posted March 6, 2007 Author Share Posted March 6, 2007 ok so he came and i caught up with him. she didn't handle it very well - was sooky and didn't want to talk to me much. glad i caught up with him, we had lots to talk about and just joked and mucked around the whole time. she kind of just sat there not smiling. i feel bad as i would hate to be in her situation. but i felt surprisingly fine and comfortable in his presense - even though she was there. i feel like i handled the situation really well. i felt confident, relaxed and happy - without being too flirty or jealous at all. it made me accept that i can handle being friends with him. i have fun with him and we "get" each other. i do think there may be something still there but i am happy to wait and see how things pan out. i am still clueless as to how to pick up the signals of "more than friends" but i guess only time will tell. but don't worry i am not putting all my eggs into one basket Link to comment
ghost69 Posted March 6, 2007 Share Posted March 6, 2007 sorry. i think you have false hope here though. find someone closer who is single. Link to comment
luxe_13 Posted March 7, 2007 Author Share Posted March 7, 2007 that's a bit of a bold statement, thanks for the advice though. he is my friend and will continue to be, it was nice spending time with him as just friends..i've realised i am fine with that! i am obviously not going to try to seduce him while he still has a girlfriend. if we are meant to be more than friends again, then we will. i still get the feeling there is something there, but i won't dwell on it. ..and this may sound evil, but if he continues to flirt with me then, yes, i will flirt back! Link to comment
ghost69 Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 next time he flirts, just say "what are you doing?" then jump his bones. lol Link to comment
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