How good of friends can we be?

[extra_crunchy]

Hi Everyone,

 

I suppose I'm just looking for some fresh perspective on my recently ended relationship of about a year. In addition, I'm wondering what to do about the 'let's be friends' issue. But first I suppose you need to know where I'm coming from...

 

Background: We started dating his last semester in college, broke up briefly over the summer due to distance, but got back together after a month and were dating until recently. Since January, we had been fighting more (and more intensely) than usual. I attributed this to situational factors: me in my final semester of school looking for a job and him working an insane amount of hours at work. Oh, and did I mention the 6 or so states that have separated us since he graduated? So I'm sure pure sexual frustration (and just missing each other's company) was also a large part of it...we usually saw each other once every six weeks or so. Our fights tended to be intense but usually we reconciled soon after. And considering how often we talked, we really didn't fight a whole lot.

 

Overall, I think we were a pretty good match. I admit, I thought he might have been IT. We had tons of interests in common, had a great rapport, enjoyed activities but mostly just liked "wasting time" together...and the sex was great, too. Where we tended to run into conflict was issues of sensitivity and tact. He is a rather blunt individual, and can have a nasty sarcastic edge (as can I) but didn't always control it well. Things were usually fine when I was 100%, but if I was feeling a little down the comments didn't bounce off quite like normal... I would get upset, he would comfort me, but I know he does not enjoy it when I get "emotional." Which, I might add, is pretty rare...of girls I know I'm on the very low emotional/low maintenance side.

 

So, if you're still with me...

 

The break-up: Most of our day to day communication was done via IM, so keep that in mind (hellllo, misunderstandings!). Anyway, we were chatting as normal one day and he brings up, of all things, Valentine's day. *groan* I had already shipped a cute, sexy little gift and card to him, so I was hoping for some gesture from him, I admit. But he starts off by telling me he can't afford to send me flowers (fine) and I suggested a card or anything like that...fast forward to later in the argument and he starts talking about how his time is so precious. I said that 20 minutes was not too much to ask to make me happy...and he gets into the typical male argument about "why do I have to show you on this day." Fair enough, but he made it very clear in a rather nasty way that I was not his priority (work was). Something that I can handle if not spewed meanly at me...and no one doesn't have 20 minutes to send a card.

 

So I guess that was the final straw after all our two bigger fights the previous month. We had the actual break up talk about an hour later, which was actually quite civil...sweet even, he said a lot of nice things about us. We chalked it up to neither of us having the time / our careers needing our attention, and the possibility that we might just be fundamentally incompatible. We agreed that in some ways we are really perfect, but in a few very very different. So that was that. The next day he apologized for being a jack * * * during the argument. And on Vday he apologized for that again...the problem/puzzling part is that we're still pretty much talking like normal. He got the gift/card I sent him and was being all flirty like things had barely changed. And doing the "I miss you...this sucks" kind of thing. And on the one hand, I know I should tell him to knock it off / not talk to him for a while...but it's hard because, of course, I like to hear that he misses me...and I like to talk to him just like normal.

 

So this is my dilemma. I really really want to remain friends (we were/are best friends) But is it insane not to take a "break" from talking for a while? When will I know it's been long enough? And I don't want to lose our connection... It's only been a few days, but I've been doing mostly OK. During the day isn't too bad, nights are harder...and sometimes talking to him can be hard, but sometimes really good. Will I ever be able to move on if I keep talking to him? And we've already discussed the possibility of ex-sex when he takes a business trip to a nearby city...I'm very tempted even though I know it's probably a bad idea. [oh, and to complicate it a little more, he has a combination of work obligations/family issues that will keep him extremely busy for the next 2 years...so even if I get a job near him it probably wouldn't work out, but I confess I have silly thoughts of what ifs 3 years down the line - and I always thought he might need a few years to emotionally mature anyway, but depsite how it may sound I'm not going to pine away...] And when am I going to be okay with dating again...and if we're friends, do we talk about that stuff?

 

Okay, sorry for the insanely long post. Any thoughts/advice at all would be great.

[tylercdurden2004]

Here:

 

 

[friscodj]

Welcome to ENA extra_crunchy! Great to have you here...

 

The most telling part of your post is the fact you "really, really want to be friends" with this guy, your best friend...

 

Having said that, I don't think reading typed point-by-point answers from Internet strangers to your questions will help you much. You're going to get different perspectives on what other people think that might influence your thinking but at this point from the tone of your post and the explicit desires expressed, I think you are better off hearing this...

 

I read at least a dozen posts on this site a day that are exactly like this one. The same components are there, the friendship, "best friends", same questions, etc. It is shocking how similar your post is to many others I've come accross on here and in my real life, both lived myself or having heard stories of such from friends. The brutal bottom line here is you feel in your heart what you had with this guy was special and "unique" but really, a lot of these types of situations happen all the time...the same components with the same results...

 

So these posts get answered, the original poster is told to go "No Contact" (NC), take time away to grieve, heal, and regain a level head through the emotional storm. Let it all blow over until you simply don't care anymore as there is no sense wrapping yourself up and subsequently limiting yourself from freely pursuing other relationship opportunities and causing yourself undue pain and anguish.

 

Then some time later the poster comes back likely in tears and far more messed up having gone "against all odds" and pursued friendships, reconciliations, etc.

 

Sometimes they've already gone this route before coming here, other times it takes a few posts to reach this point.

 

Other times they listen, believe, and stay away. Invariably, these people feel better faster and look back and thank all of us for suggesting such a route.

 

So I'm just giving you historical facts here, that's all I'm doing. If you need to experience this on your own, don't believe that time and distance, true time and distance will answer all your questions and bring you to the promised land of peace and indifference with your troubled situation faster, we'll be here to console you.

[extra_crunchy]

Thanks for the advice. After a few days of being "friends" aka talking to each other EXACTLY like we had while still together I started NC. He doesn't seem to understand why...and didn't realize when I said I needed time it meant I woudn't be talking to him - so I had to briefly break NC to explain that after getting to many "i miss you, hey, are you ignoring me?" messages. He called it a "cop out." Whatever. He's obviously hurting that we aren't talking...not sure if he realizes it's never going to be the same. And after a few of the things he said, he'll be lucky if he gets me as a friend at all. Bah! It hasn't even been a week - I think I'm going to shoot for at least 2. Is there a general formula for about how long it should take? Of course it's a personal thing...but any general rules of thumb?

[Openheart1]

Extra,

 

Do you want to be friends with him or not? I'm sorry, but if he is not accomodating your needs, it sounds like the feeling is mutual on his end. That is mostly due to the fact that you both are still highly emotionally invested in one another, which naturally will cause tension and misunderstanding. Regardless of how you perceive him, the only option you have is to be TOTALLY HONEST AND OPEN with how you feel. Statements like, "he will be lucky if he gets me as a friend at all" wreaks of condescension and vindictiveness, which can in itself ruin any chances of a friendship. It basically puts the two of you not in any kind of loving, caring relationship but one built on competition and resentment. Is that the kind of friendship or relationship you want?

 

I had the same experience that your boyfriend is going through now. After 6-7 months of trying to be friends with my girlfriend, she suddenly stopped answering my calls and emails, basically breaking up with me again. So, I can imagine what your ex is going through.

 

Unfortunately, at this stage of the relationship, extra, both of you have a MAJOR responsibility towards one another, even though the both of you are not in a relationship. If the two of you still care for one another, you MUST be honest with your respective needs and ideals for what the friendship will entail. DO NOT HOLD BACK YOUR FEELINGS!! Do not restrict yourself and urge each other to be honest and straightforward. I cannot stress that enough. Right now, I can assure you that unless you talk to each other by AT LEAST the phone, your relationship will be plagued by misunderstanding and resentment. I have first hand experience how emails and texts, etc. can RUIN a relationship. You two must engage one another in a real conversation, where emotions play a role, but you MUST NOT let the other person feel attacked. Clear and caring conversation is what the two of you need, but unfortunately I do not get the impression that you two are capable of that yet.

 

I think that if you want to be friends, you must have one last conversation and tell him EXACTLY why you need time off, and not just state "I need time off to collect myself." That is vague and misleading, because chances are from his perspective is that you won't ever come back. I know, I know, why should you have any regard for his feelings. BECAUSE YOU STILL CARE FOR HIM! Both of you need to respect each other's feelings and needs. So, again, you must explain CLEARLY and DIRECTLY to HIM why you need what you need and to assure him that you still want him in your life, even if you have to say it a dozen times. If you get tired of reaffirming him, that is your choice and you can bail anytime. However, if you want to see this through, for the nth time, you both MUST be direct with one another because there cannot be ANY room for second guessing. That only builds resentment and suspicion.

 

Strangely, there are so many people on here who say that because you break up, you no longer have any reason to care about the other person's feelings. In effect, breaking up somehow justifies being cold and vague regarding your own life. Basically, it is difficult to not see how destructive a defense mechanism can actually be if you want to keep that person in your life. Once you put up a defense mechanism, the relationship becomes game playing and misunderstanding. Just talk to one another. It is really that simple.

 

If one of you wants more than the other person can give, maybe both of you can take a few months off from one another and come back to it. Rest assured, DO NOT just leave the other hanging wondering what happened. Decide on a time to come back into each other's lives. If you still aren't ready at that point, decide on another term. Selfishness is praised on here after a person breaks up. For me, that is a perfect storm because that means that all has been given up. If you want to work together at being friends, give each other the respect to work with one another and not just throw them aside because after a break up it is supposed to be "selfish" time. Good luck.

[friscodj]

Hey EC-

 

Let me start by saying his reaction is one of denial, immaturity, and selfishness. He doesn't understand why because he's never been in this situation before and is not trusting your judgment on this. He is upset that he is not getting what he wants and views what you are "doing to him" with your decision to make distance as "mean" or "cold". He is also denying the fact it is "really over this time."

 

Have you tried giving him a thorough explanation of what you're doing and why?

 

You could send him something stating what you are doing and why like this but I feel it will do no good. You guys have a history of disagreement/misunderstanding and this will likely serve as something else to fight about.

 

But you have to remember and focus on the bigger picture here. You are gone. Until you see and believe this, you are not making true distance here. Contact also goes one-way in reference to your reading and/or listening to his attempts to contact you. Contact is any knowledge or information about him or his situation. That is gone until you both are able to come together without the past history and/or feelings coming back. In this sense, you shouldn't know anything about him, his feelings, or actions. This knowledge is contact in my opinion and will only keep you unnecessarily wrapped up in this situation. Don't even read his messages, especially when he is trying to "ping" you and entice you back into the established pattern of arguing like he has been.

 

So, when is the right time to reconnect? This question has no answer right now. The time and distance will provide your answer. For you, in your mind right now, as terrible as it may seem to you right now, the best thing you can do to be able to let go of this is attach no time line to your separation here. When you attach a time line to situations like this, you are staying connected to this through your foresight and resulting anticipation of getting together again even as friends. To really get to better places here, you need to disa-freaking-pear and tell yourself it is permanent, even if sometime down the road you may reconnect on some level.

 

Then sometime down the road when you are reminded of him or you bump into him when all of this is water long gone under the bridge and at that time you desire to reconnect, then do so. If you sit around and watch the hands of the clock move on this looking forward to this time, it is too soon I think and you'd be inviting future weirdness, discomfort between you two, set back your healing process, and disallow yourself the emotional freedom to pursue other relationship opportunities.

 

You both have to face the reality of this separation and you do that by making firm and undeniable distance for an undetermined period of time. It is said that actions speak louder than words and this is also true in situations like this as well.