I think he's having a mid-life crisis.

[BlueOcean]

I think my partner is having a mid-life crisis. We've been together for over eight years, and all of a sudden he decided that he wants to move on. He moved out last friday. I think what started all of this is that he went out with his friends a few weeks ago, and felt very attracted to someone who also appeared to be attracted to him. Of course he was drinking at the time, so I'm sure that didn't help. He told me it was the first time he had been attracted to anyone since he and I had been together.

Anyway, just a week before that he had told me that he wanted to spend his life with me. So, my head is reeling right now. I don't know what to think. I haven't spoken to him in 3 days, but I'm just stunned that he turned on the relationship so quickly. He refused to go for counseling, so I'm not sure what or if I should do anything. I think it's crazy to throw away such a long relationship without even trying. He said that he love's me but he's not in love with me.

The really crappy thing is that my mother passed away only 3 months ago, and I was just starting to get a grip on that. Now it looks like I'm going to start another greiving process on top of the one that I already started. I know he and I had our issue's, but nothing that couldn't be worked out.(IMO) I don't think he's started seeing anyone yet, so I'm hoping that he may come around, but I really don't know what to think or what the hell to do.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I am sorry to hear this, it must be a shock to be so sudden...

 

the sad thing is some people are thinking about leaving for a long time, and don't voice their feelings until they have emotionally separated a long time ago, then just do it... or maybe he did indeed develop a huge schoolboy crush on someone else and just is confusing a hormonal rush with something solid and is being foolish for rushing off before he realizes it is just an attraction but not something plausible or as good as what you two had together.

 

you can't make him try, but you might want to call him and try to get him into counseling with you. but if this other person he has a crush on is dating him, you might have to wait until that thrill wears off... it does happen sometimes, where he sits up and realizes, what was i thinking? but it also happens that he goes straight into a new relationship and doesn't look back.

 

so you don't want to stop your own healing waiting for something that might not come. try to communicate with him, and if he is having none of that, then you probably should go into no contact with him while you heal yourself. if he comes to his senses, and you are still interested, then you might consider it, but since he so quickly and rudely left you, i would take him back very cautiously, if at all.

[DN]

I'm sorry that you are going through this especially at such a bad time. But the problem with you identifying this as a mid-life crisis is the temptation to think that once his crisis is over he will come to his senses and come back to you. That sort of thinking is not going to serve you - your best plan is to assume the relationship is over and start the healing process - which is not easy but it is more difficult if you are harboring hope he may come back.

[Cyprian]

I am sorry you are going through this. I just recently went through a VERY similar situation.

 

Anyway, just a week before that he had told me that he wanted to spend his life with me.

 

I don't know how this is possible, but this type of thing happens all the time - it happened to me!

 

the sad thing is some people are thinking about leaving for a long time, and don't voice their feelings until they have emotionally separated a long time ago, then just do it... or maybe he did indeed develop a huge schoolboy crush on someone else and just is confusing a hormonal rush with something solid and is being foolish for rushing off before he realizes it is just an attraction but not something plausible or as good as what you two had together.

 

I think the truth is that "he did indeed develop a huge schoolboy crush on someone else and just is confusing a hormonal rush with something solid". Schoolboy might not be the correct word though. Maybe I am interpreting this from my own lens due to my own experience, but I believe that in long term relationships like this it is not simply a schoolboy crush, but it is the idea that the passion, the spark, the lust that was originally in your relationship has worn off and been replaced by what I would term as the real "love" (after the chemicals wore off) - your ex now has a new lust/sparkle/passion for someone else and is too immature or blind to realize it for what it is. He might never realize it, and most likely he will realize it only too late.

 

I am sorry that you are going through this and I do empathize with you 100%. I suggest you read the threads on (NC) No Contact and see if this is what you want to do.

[BlueOcean]

Thanks so much for your support. It's true that identifying it as a mid-life crisis is probably not a good idea. Since I've already suggested counseling and he's declined, NC is probably the best way. If he doesn't feel that our eight and a half year relationship is worth just one hour of counseling, that says a lot. I just don't understand how he can just turn his feelings on and off like that. What's up with that anyway? It makes me think that he's been acting for a long time. Wow. I just wish I hadn't invested so much time in this person. Damn, I'm really mad.